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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Extreme Lengths Moderators: bert
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 12th, 2010, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I'm amazed with all the "believability" remarks on this script.  It's a frickin' little goofy, zany comedy for Christ's sake!  Just about every comedy isn't believable, nor do they try to be.

Unbelievable!!!!!!


If the characters in any script don't have a core of believability, then you can't get interested in them. If you are not interested in them, you're not interested in what happens to them (ie the story).

It's hardly unbelievable to point that out, is it?

And to be honest, I'm struggling to think of any successful comedy that doesn't have an element of believability to it. There has to be something that the audience can relate to so they have someone to rout for, otherwise there is no emotional attachment to the film.

Each to their own though...
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 12th, 2010, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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I was messing around with the whole "unbelievable" thing in the script.

It's a throwaway 15 page comedy.  IMO, there doesn't have to be any believability to anything.  If it's funny, than it works on some level.  If it's not, it doesn't.

The "funny" thing is that I am not a comedy person at all.  I find very few comedies even remotely funny.  Based on my review, I seem to have thought this was at least mildly entertaining, and that's alot for me.

Comedy works for some and not for others.  That's the way it is.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 12th, 2010, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I was messing around with the whole "unbelievable" thing in the script.

It's a throwaway 15 page comedy.  IMO, there doesn't have to be any believability to anything.  If it's funny, than it works on some level.  If it's not, it doesn't.

The "funny" thing is that I am not a comedy person at all.  I find very few comedies even remotely funny.  Based on my review, I seem to have thought this was at least mildly entertaining, and that's alot for me.

Comedy works for some and not for others.  That's the way it is.


That's fine and I agree to some extent. If it's funny it definitely works on some level and it is definitely funny.

However 13-15 pages is a long time for a short. No-one watches anything over ten online, it's hard to get them to watch over two. To get into a festival at that lenght isn't that easy eithe (means it has to be better than 3, 5 min shorts put together).

Trojan has some interesting things going on under the hood that could be brought out a bit stronger. So you keep all the comedy, but tighten the drama and the meaning and then you get a film that works on three levels: comedy, emotional and intellectual, rather than just one.
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 12th, 2010, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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Dec, I hear ya...I really do.  BUT, I will say (and I say it all the time) that far too often, people try and make too much of things. Thye try and make it more than it is, or want more than what it was intended to be.

I won't go further into detail about this, but hopefully you understand what I'm saying and where I'm coming from.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 12th, 2010, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Dec, I hear ya...I really do.  BUT, I will say (and I say it all the time) that far too often, people try and make too much of things. Thye try and make it more than it is, or want more than what it was intended to be.

I won't go further into detail about this, but hopefully you understand what I'm saying and where I'm coming from.


I do. I understand totally.

All we can do is offer opinions at the end of the day. The writer gets to choose what he wants to do with it. I noticed from Trojan's thoughts that he'd put a bit of thought into the story, and I saw the potential for a script with a little more depth to it, to add to the comedy.

I treat every script I read seriously, whether it's a throwaway comedy, a slasher script or a drama about the Holocaust. It's probably a result of having studied English Lit at University. I look for ways to bring out deeper meanings in things.

I just try to offer ways of adding layers to things, without changing their core elements.

Even "gross out comedies" as they call them, like American Pie and such tend to deal with very real and serious issues (teenage sex, love, relationships, trust, friendship, peer pressure etc).

Ultimately, from where I stand, it's tough to stand out from the crowd and you sometimes have to go that little extra mile to do so.

If you can make something very funny AND meaningful, seems to me that you've given yourself a bit more chance than just if it is funny.

Anyway, like I say, that's just my view on it. I'm a tough crowd, basically.  
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 12th, 2010, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Here here...I'm a tough crowd as well...most of the time.

I'm also an English major, but I don't usually look for more, as long as it works for what it is.  I find that very often simple things get ruined by adding in conflicts or the like that take away from what could have worked quite well on its own.

I haven't read this script in a long time and probably won't again, so I can't really say I know what I'm talking about pertaining to this exact script.

I hear where you're coming from though for sure!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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James McClung
Posted: January 12th, 2010, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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This was okay. The action, dialogue... just about everything was well-written. The story was interesting enough and it had a strong flow to it. None of the jokes were bad. I guess I found them sorta by the numbers. Mike Small, Dr. Johnson... I suppose these gags haven't been done to death but they do seem like the first place one's mind would go when conceiving a story like this. A little too obvious, I suppose. I did like the relationship between the couple though. Chantelle's frankness about her infidelity and Mike's completely understated reactions made for a clever and interesting chemistry. I haven't read all of the previous comments but if this is what people are referring to as unrealistic... fuck 'em! This is a farce, not intellectual satire.

Anyway, not bad for a first effort, I suppose.


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Trojan
Posted: January 13th, 2010, 9:20am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read and comments everyone. This was something I wrote nearly a year ago and my first attempt at anything resembling a screenplay, so I'll be the first to admit it is far from perfect.

It was meant to be a little light-hearted comedy and not taken too seriously. Given the subject matter I think it's pretty clear this is an exaggerated tale so I'm not too sure why people are focusing on the believability of it. I think a lot of comedies are based in unrealistic situations. Groundhog Day, Liar Liar and Mrs Doubtfire come to mind off the top of my head. None of them are what I would consider believable but that doesn't stop people finding them funny.

With that said I'm sure there are many things that could be improved here, but I haven't even thought about this for months and have no intention to rework it. I do appreciate the feedback though and take all of it onboard, with the exception that there is anything racist or offensive in this which is ridiculous IMO.

Cheers,
Tim.
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emcee
Posted: April 21st, 2010, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Trojan.

Only gonna comment on d story. Everybody'd dun d wrest to death. (Sometimes I tink many forget d humor and get lost in their own analysis. IMHO).

Anyhoo. V funny. I thought it flowed well. nice clean crisp rightin'.

Liked it. liked it poss too much.

By the way, do you have the number of that doctor?

Em
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CthulhuRises
Posted: June 3rd, 2010, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Tim,

"This is obviously the kind of place to set you back some serious cash."  How does the audience know.

"She appears a little out of her element."

Again, superfluous.  The audience can ascertain this by seeing her outfit and the restaurant scenery.  You don't write things like this or internal thoughts.

"Chantelle gives a slight frown, unaccustomed to not getting her own way."

STOP at slight frown.  Again, the latter half is gratuitous.

"Thankyou."

Needs to be separated.

"Thankyou Mike."

Where did you learn that "thank you" was one word?

"Mike sits in a surgeons waiting room"

Surgeon's, not surgeons.

--------------------------------

Okay, I'm sorry, this one just didn't work for me.  It wasn't funny.  The characters just weren't believable at all.  C'mon, a Doctor is supposed to be playing around with dildos in front of his patients and make offensive, inappropriate comments about his current girlfriend, and show him his penis?  Not going to happen.

Maybe Mike should get a sex change, because based on this script he must be the biggest pu**y ever.  Are we to believe that after his girlfriend cheats on him, he's not only not very mad, but he's going to get ANOTHER operation for her?  That's just ridiculous.

Aside from character issues, you have a problem of telling rather than showing.  The characters and scene should speak for themselves and allow for interference.  You can't state what characters are thinking or side notes that the audience has no way of knowing without reading your script.  

Work more on creating a story and create some distinct, compelling characters and let the comedy come out of the situation that arises. You have tried to force jokes into your story at the expense of believability of the characters and this never works. These comments are meant to be constructive as I believe with a rewrite you could turn the basic premise into something better than what you currently have. Best of luck with it.
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Trojan
Posted: June 3rd, 2010, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Why are you posting under this username instead of the other one? For what it's worth, this was my first ever attempt at a screenplay and was written some time ago. I agree it has problems, and have no intention of doing anything with it.

What I don't do however is try to mock people who have taken the time to post constructive review on my work. So you Andrew, have just proven yourself to be a douchebag of the highest order. Instead of trashing people, try to take on board what they are saying and learn from it. The same way I listened to people who posted feedback on this script which helped to make me a better writer.

Tim.
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CthulhuRises
Posted: June 3rd, 2010, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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Tim,

I am not posing under a different username, I simply changed my username.  Never claimed otherwise.  I was giving you constructive criticism as you gave me.  I clearly took the time to read your work and provide sincere feedback.  Now if you so choose, you can go back and re-work some things (especially simple grammatical/formatting things like 'thankyou' and showing instead of telling).

I'm not trying to mock you in the least.  It is a solid effort for a first screenplay.  I did enjoy the "Mike Small" thing, that got a guffaw out of me.  I think if you re-wrote it you could do something with it.  I'm not sure where this hostility is coming from.  Sorry you feel that way.
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Trojan
Posted: June 3rd, 2010, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CthulhuRises
I'm not trying to mock you in the least.  It is a solid effort for a first screenplay.  I did enjoy the "Mike Small" thing, that got a guffaw out of me.  I think if you re-wrote it you could do something with it.  I'm not sure where this hostility is coming from.  Sorry you feel that way.


How about because you posted the exact same paragraph at the end as what I wrote on your script? Trying to point out that I had problems in my script that I suggested you need to work on. Obviously it was not written with the best of intentions. If you want to play that game, fine. I'm not interested. Good luck with your short.

Tim.
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Coding Herman
Posted: June 3rd, 2010, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hahaha.....although this one stretches beyond believability, the events fit the tone of the script.

Basically this one feels like something between a skit and a story. You got some talking heads (albeit very interesting topics) with some occasional action for each scene. There should be some more visual ways to describe what you wanna tell us.

This one feels a lot like Terms of Endowment from the last few OWCs.

Liked the title, spotted a few typos. Good job.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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rc1107
Posted: April 29th, 2011, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tim.

Lol.  "You are...  for your height."  -  Classic.  My favorite line.

Yeah, the first half of the script is hilarious.  The second half is funny, but a little more slapstick and may have gotten just a little too zany.  It was okay, but not as entertaining as the first half.

On page 7, I think the Doctor's line would have read a little more funny if he said "Hey, does she still do that golf club trick without any lube?"  Just a little visual that popped into my head while I was reading.

I read that this was the first script you posted.  Pretty good.  I would've never known that it was anybody's first script if I hadn't read it in a post.


Oh, and by the way, that was pretty funny what you said on the other thread, "Me, My Milf, and I" and "There's Something About Mommy".  That was hilarious.  I'm trying to think of "The Vegetarian", though.  I can't think of what play on words that movie's from.  (I'm not familiar with all of the Farrely Bros. movies, though.)

But good job on this, especially for your first work.  It was funny.

- Mark


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