SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 21st, 2018, 9:26pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration

The Night Gallery 7 Week Challenge
has begun!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  After the Trade Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    After the Trade  (currently 3840 views)
Don
Posted: May 5th, 2009, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12631
Posts Per Day
1.96
After the Trade by Trelan Hylton (JamminGirl) - short - A different take on the popular fable 'Jack and the beanstalk'. 3 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 5th, 2009, 9:25pm
Logged
Site Private Message
cloroxmartini
Posted: May 5th, 2009, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
883
Posts Per Day
0.25
now the rest of the story...

like you think you have a really cool idea and don't know what comes next, so spit this out. this is not a short. it's an intro. interesting, yes. want to know more? yes. but there ain't no more.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 41
dogglebe
Posted: May 5th, 2009, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



This does seem like an interesting opening scene.  The modern day/futuristic elements works with the story but, by itself, it's just an incomplete piece.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 41
LC
Posted: May 5th, 2009, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
2809
Posts Per Day
0.77
Hey Trelan, sorry but I’ve got to agree with what’s been said above. I felt that this was more a “scene-select” - a teaser for a feature. What’s with the proliferation of shorter than short “shorts”?

Also, bit of advice -  your title page font is too large – sorry but it screams “needy” and unprofessional.

And, your main character: “JACK (late teens, gangly) bounds around the table and hugs Pamela from behind” reads as a much younger kid – made me think of the kids in “Big” – that age.

If this was a set-up for a feature then you at least hooked me but, I want more!   Libby.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 41
Baltis.
Posted: May 6th, 2009, 12:25am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I read it... It's 3 pages long. This could've been put in the "work in progress" section. It doesn't even end. Am I missing some of the script? It's going along, she slaps the thing out of ol'buddies hand, and then it ends... FADE OUT:

Anyways, a few things I noticed were things like

"His eyes searches" -- I'm not sure that makes a lot of sense.

Some of the dialogue was a bit hit and miss.  For instance when his mother says --

"Trust, Jack"

That seems kind of informal for a mother/son conversation. Unless Jack likes to be reffered to in the 3rd person. I dunno... people like that sort of thing.

All in all, I read this because I had done a "Jack and The Beanstalk" script a few years back and was seeing how this take went down.   It was called "JACK'S TRIP" and dealt with a teenage dope fiend "Jack" who gave his girlfriend to a druggy in an alley in exchange for some pills.  "magic beans" and thus he went on a trip up a beanstalk... It then, of course, took a turn into a horror script.

Maybe a re-write is in order???
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 41
JamminGirl
Posted: May 6th, 2009, 1:34am Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Toronto Ont.
Posts
347
Posts Per Day
0.10
Wow! I was about to send Don an email asking if this would be posted!

Ok, this was my very first script written a few years ago. I found it in an email to myself and decided to post it.
My instructor had asked me to marry a fable with a sci-fi twist.

LC, yeah, I reviewed it and thought I should've said 'early teens' or change his dialogue to match his age. Also, I didn't format the title page, Final Draft did.

I'm thinking of finishing it but I like the feedback. I thought you guys would've complained about the dialogue.

Baltis, his eyes searches(probable should have been 'search') suggests the camera panning the fridge.


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton

Revision History (1 edits)
JamminGirl  -  May 6th, 2009, 1:51am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 41
Don
Posted: May 6th, 2009, 5:22am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12631
Posts Per Day
1.96

Quoted from Don
After the Trade by Trelan Hylton (JamminGirl) - short - A different take on the popular fable 'Jack and the beanstalk'. 3 pages - pdf, format


The link is fixed.

Don




Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 41
Dreamscale
Posted: May 6th, 2009, 11:46am Report to Moderator
Blue


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10237
Posts Per Day
2.59
Yeah, as everyone else has said, this isn't a short...it's a 3 page beginning to a much longer script.  And because of that, it doesn't belong here.

IMO, way too many wrylies used in 3 pages.  Also thought most of the dialogue didn't really sound too good.  And finally, as LC said, the kid sounds much younger than late teens, based on his actions and dialogue.

It does have the makings to be very interesting though...maybe that's why I'm irritated that it just ends.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 41
JamminGirl
Posted: May 6th, 2009, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Toronto Ont.
Posts
347
Posts Per Day
0.10

Quoted from Dreamscale
Yeah, as everyone else has said, this isn't a short...it's a 3 page beginning to a much longer script.  And because of that, it doesn't belong here.

IMO, way too many wrylies used in 3 pages.  Also thought most of the dialogue didn't really sound too good.  And finally, as LC said, the kid sounds much younger than late teens, based on his actions and dialogue.

It does have the makings to be very interesting though...maybe that's why I'm irritated that it just ends.


Honestly Dreamscale, this sounds like you're just repeating what's been said without your own take. Well except the wrylies, which I'll say is just a matter of taste and not a hard and fast rule.

As for it not being a short, it's a short until I develope it further. I'm sketching out ideas now...



Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 41
michel
Posted: May 6th, 2009, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
France
Posts
1242
Posts Per Day
0.28
"Sorry, but this makes no sense to me. Every character, written well, ought to be unique, or at any rate, identifiable. The dialogue was trite. People in real life don't speak this way: It felt... unnatural. I think the twist was quite nice but the setup wasn't good enough."

According to IMDB Jack and the Beanstalk
http://www.imdb.com/find?s=all&q=jack+beanstalk&x=0&y=0
has been done 33 times. "Can I ask though; why does everyone borrow from already existing films? Can we see some originality? Plagiarism and regurgitation bug me. They really do"


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 41
JamminGirl
Posted: May 6th, 2009, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Toronto Ont.
Posts
347
Posts Per Day
0.10
LOL! Michel, don't you get tired of feeling this bitterness? Are you going to carry that around for all my scripts?

Yeah, you're right, Jack & the beanstalk's been done before, popular fable that it is. Please remember that I mentioned my instructor asking me to do this. he wanted to see if We had grasp the concept of hitting different beats in a scene.

Still, I'll twist things up further, using this premise...


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton

Revision History (1 edits)
JamminGirl  -  May 6th, 2009, 4:14pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 41
michel
Posted: May 6th, 2009, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
France
Posts
1242
Posts Per Day
0.28
"I hope the irony is not lost..."


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 41
Dreamscale
Posted: May 6th, 2009, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10237
Posts Per Day
2.59
Let's be honest here...plagiarism is one thing and a rethinking of a widely used idea is another.  Nothing wrong with new takes on old subjects..

As I said, I kinda like the premise, but that's all there is...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 41
michel
Posted: May 6th, 2009, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
France
Posts
1242
Posts Per Day
0.28

Quoted from michel
Plagiarism and regurgitation bug me. They really do"


That was just a private Joke


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 41
Dreamscale
Posted: May 6th, 2009, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10237
Posts Per Day
2.59
I understand and know what you're referring to.  Not much gets by me...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 41
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006