Trelen

To quote cloroxmartini "now the rest of the story..." Good idea but ultimately pointless if not taken further than what you have done here.

How does one respond? I'm fleshing out an idea...

Great to hear, go for it. I'll look forward to reading it

Jammin,

Well, I don't want to be a parrot, but, this is an incomplete piece, a bit like my own 'Cruiseaholics'. Obviously you know that, but what you have given is a nice opening sequence.

One thing I really liked was the description of the sparse fridge - that really was a great example of showing and not telling.

Would be keen to read something longer of yours.

Andrew

Thanks, I'm working on something right now...

Hey Jammingirl. Pretty damn good for just a few pages. I'd really like to see how you'd complete this idea. It's a teaser of a good start,

Gary

Hi Gary, Thanks for the review.

This is now up on the website, how awesome is that?

http://www.simplyscripts.com/unpro.html

JamminGirl,
I like the concept you have going here. A story behind the story. I also like you're style of writing as well. Very well thought out. So, do you see this being expanded to full length? On it's own, It stands well but I think you can take it to the next level (if you want to) and pull a full length out of it if you are wanting to. Anyway, great job and I look forward to seeing what you have in store with you're future ventures.

Shawn.....><

Appreciate the read Ledbetter. I wonder if people can submit stageplays for reviews as well. I'm working on one.

Are you? That sounds interesting. Whats the differience?

Shawn....><

I think the format for stage play is less restrictive. But it's more talky and dialogue is action(well it should still move the story forward). and 'theatrics'(or wow factor) needs to be included to keep the audience leaning forward.  

This is the first time I've tried to write a stageplay but I have a couple scenes already so I'm excited.

I'll paste up parts one day for feedback

I think Mike has his JA script in stageplay format here someplace. Both the script and the vid of the performance.

I'm kinda unsure who Mike is... and do you have the link?

Hey Jammin,
Think I'm going to have to join the consensus about this being a good opening scene, but want more from it. Would suggest cutting back on the parentheticals...if they were spread out over the length of a feature I never would have noticed, but since it was only three pages they stood out like a sore thumb.
This caught my interest from the start with some solid writing and pacing, but it's just too short to really fill out a full fleshed out story....that said I really liked what you did in such a short piece. Would love to see what you do with an expanded version of this.
Nate

No, but pm him about it and I'm sure he'll give it to you.