Who is Mike? Shelton or Cornetto or someone else..?

btw, thanks Nate. I'll slip stuff into the action lines.

Shelton's Jack Amsterdam!  

for real? I thought his name was Mike Shelton. Duh... ok by the process of elimination, Cornetto it is!
Thanks!

Ah Jeez! I read wrong! Double Duh! I thought you said Shelton's name is Jack Amsterdam!

I'll go ahead and jump on the bandwagon that this needs to be something longer.  I would definately see this as an animated/pixar kids movie, mixing in different bits of fairy tales into a sci fi adventure.  
im not really qualified to comment on format issues, but I definately enjoyed it.  I'd read any expansion that you put out.

I, too, was just getting in to the story when it ended and as I was enjoying what you've written that was disappointing.
This is really an introduction to a longer piece, and I like the idea of the beampod. It would have been good to learn a bit more about the trader, how Jack knew he must have been from the future, and what the guy from the future could possibly want with a 12 year old car. I liked it but wanted it to be longer.

I clicked on a link in your sig and it took me here.

This was a bit on the short side and I don't mean that as in page count. I've written some 1 pagers myself. It is the story that's too short here. This one would be simple and easy for someone to produce as a short film. I think for it to work though you need more drama. Show us Pamela really being desperate not knowing how to handle all the bills. Show her struggling more.

Then when Jack enters, maybe kick up the drama between them as well. There has to be a little more here for this to work. I do like the idea a lot though. Loved the pod thing cracking open with the light inside, leaving us wondering.

Writing style was fine, but IMHO could be just a tad tighter.

Pia  

Heh jammin girl. Just returning the favor. Gave it a read. Read the posts so i won't be redundant. I think some were a little harsh seeing as though it's one of your first. See how you can bark back though. "A little fight in ya. I like that"-joker.

well, it is only a beginning and middle. There's no end. So here's my suggestion. You can smack it back in my face.

When Jack's mom smacks the marble out of his hand and it begins to break open... They both watch. It blinds with light becomming very unstable. Shaking the house. They both run outside into the street. Light beams from all the windows. BOOM! The whole fucking house blows to smithereens.

A week later they sit in front of an insurance adjuster who tells them their property was worth a great deal more than they thought  and hands them a huge check. fixing their financial diffuculties.

Just an idea. Take care. James

I love this! These last posts are awesome! HarietB, the questions you posed are definately on par with what would lead to a longer more in depth piece. Asking the who, why, what, how of given situations. Nice.

Pia, I like your suggestions because as I was thinking of my response to your post, I figured out what the current script I'm working on lacks. Reaction to action. I gotta rework my current script!

This scene was a reaction to earlier events(Jack trading the car --where stakes are high) and Pamela's reaction, slamming the beampod against the wall, will ultimately create another action(and questions). For her to be shown struggling, I would have had to include other scenes. The questions that pop up should give more drama.

James, lol, your post made me laugh out loud. It's amazing how two people can look at one thing and see something completely different. Unfortunately, your fix-it solution would mean no story. Their house blows up, they get money, the end. Very pleasant but aahh

thanks Jackx!

It's an ending, for a short at least. I didn't know you were turning this into a feature. My wheeels are turnin'. Oh well, new here trying to help. You did do a double "laugh out loud" in the first sentence of your response to me though. So let me smack that back at ya. Lol. Lol.

I made a short video for your script, check it out.

After the trade

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4VtE_-R00M&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Quoted from Jamesfilms I made a short video for your script, check it out. After the trade http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4VtE_-R00M&feature=youtube_gdata_player

An authorized short video?

I actually checked the film out.  I read this awhile ago but I wanted to read the whole thing so I was waiting for the rest of the story to be posted.

The filmed version of this actually turned out very well.  Very good job on this, James, I think in every aspect.  The acting I thought was really good, and a lot of the over the top things in the script were dealt with soundly in the performance and you made the story come off natural.  Even made it seem complete somehow.

Excellent work all around on it.  Seems like a pretty talented family.

I'd be proud of it if I were the writer.

- Mark

This was too short for my taste.  There’s zero philosophical conflict and nothing to drive the story.