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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Endless Story Moderators: bert
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  Author    Endless Story  (currently 3484 views)
Don
Posted: May 17th, 2009, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Endless Story by Michel J. Duthin - Short - A man. A woman. A hotel room. A bed. What else?… Uh, I forgot… 5 pages - pdf, format


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stevie
Posted: May 17th, 2009, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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hi michel. Hey, this was good! Very unexpected ending and quite funny too. Your writing was fluent with only a couple of basic grammatical errors.
This would be a great R-rated short!
Maybe though, you could change the logline to just: 'A man. A woman. A hotel bed. Complete strangers'. Something like that anyway, to make it more mysterious.
Good job!



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Trojan
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 8:01am Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel, I thought this was ok. Kinda funny but I was just wondering how two people could go so quickly from not knowing who they are or why a stranger is in their room, to having sex with each other.

SPOILER
And as for it being an amnesia convention, how would they remember to turn up to it or even get themselves there in the first place? I know what you are going for and like I said, it's kinda funny, but doesn't really make sense. It was pretty well written though so good job on that.

Cheers,
Tim.
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michel
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 8:13am Report to Moderator
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Stevie & Trojan

thank you for your reviews. I didn't expect much because this is the kind of cr@p I write to improve my style as my English. I kinda like it anyway. The next ones would be much (much) darker.


Quoted from Trojan
And as for it being an amnesia convention, how would they remember to turn up to it or even get themselves there in the first place?
Uh... Who are you? Why are you asking that?

No. Seriously, remember, they have tag names.

Michel



Revision History (1 edits)
michel  -  May 18th, 2009, 8:24am
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Helio
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hi partner! haha!

It was a very nice amnesia joke. I loved to see someone asking the doorman something like this:

- Hey, is here the american amnesia convention?

- I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not sure about that neither what the hell I'm doing in here!"

nice exercise, mon ami!
Helio
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grademan
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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This crap as you call it, was pretty good. It read fairly well. Some places where your wording was a little odd:

windowpane overlooks                  window
on the verge of the bed                edge
fully naked                                  naked
frontal nudity                               nudity
looking at her in her every move    at her every move
let's resume the situation              review (though resume is funnier)
you're a very seducing woman        seductive
i'm sure you're not insensible         insensitive

My favorite line was "very good friends, I must admit," my least favorite "he scratches his crotch."

I know you wrote this to get more comfortabe with writing in English so I hope this helps.

Gary
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michel
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 9:05am Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary

thank you for the tips. I keep noting them somewhere to not make them again.


Quoted from grademan
my least favorite "he scratches his crotch."


Well, it's a typical male habit when he gets up in the morning. Don't you?  

Michel


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Toby_E
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel,

Really enjoyed this short. I chuckled when I read the ending, seriously wasn't expecting that, so well done. Would be relativly easy to shoot (as long as you found some actors who don't mind getting butt-neked), and would translate pretty well to the screen.

Sure, there were a few typos and awkward sentences, but seeing as English isn't your first language, I think you did a very good job. Grademan pointed out everything I noticed as far as typos and awkward sentences, so edit them in the rewrite.

But yeah, congrats with this, I loved this short. Wouldn't be surprised if it gets picked up for production soon

Toby.


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Andrew
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Michel,

Nice little script to segue you into your Sins work.

I enjoyed this, and of your scripts, this is definitely my favourite. I was struggling at one point to see where you were going with it, and was very pleasantly surprised to see what you did with it  - nice touch.

The others have touched on what were my small complaints, and the only thing I can add to this is that it felt a little too similar to a script that was on here already - madhatter's 3 men wake in a room (can't recall the title), which is definitely a 'Groundhog Day' influenced premise.

Still, I liked this and agree with Toby that it's fertile ground for production.

Nice job.

Andrew


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Toby_E
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, Michel, one thing I would consider changing is the title of the script... I don't know, I just don't think it fits the feel of the script.


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jayrex
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Hi Michel,

Not bad.  The ending was funny and what made it.

All the best,


Javier


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michel
Posted: May 19th, 2009, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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Thank you. I really appreciate and never thought this could entertain you as much.

For those who haven't read it yet, I wrote a long time ago another 5-page script with the same mood:

"Happiness is as simple as a phone call"

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Happiness....pdf



Quoted from Andrew
definitely a 'Groundhog Day' influenced premise.

Funny thing you said. I just realized that the French title of "Groundhod Day" can be translated in English as... The Endless Day (Le Jour Sans Fin)


Michel


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Helio
Posted: May 19th, 2009, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Why not in french. I like it than in English:

LE JOUR SANS FIN

It seems a Godard's film tittle!

By the way Don put your name on The real Pig Flu's Story!

Revision History (1 edits)
Helio  -  May 20th, 2009, 6:05am
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tonkatough
Posted: May 20th, 2009, 3:09am Report to Moderator
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lets see now

2 actors

1 location

A banner painted on the side of a building with Aftereffects

A clever twist.

Yep this short is a filmmakers wet dream.

Good job Michel.  


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Colkurtz8
Posted: May 25th, 2009, 8:02am Report to Moderator
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Michel

Not a bad little skit in the vein of Memento...without the tragedy, killing, deceit and self tattoo-ing.


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