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hi michel. Hey, this was good! Very unexpected ending and quite funny too. Your writing was fluent with only a couple of basic grammatical errors. This would be a great R-rated short! Maybe though, you could change the logline to just: 'A man. A woman. A hotel bed. Complete strangers'. Something like that anyway, to make it more mysterious. Good job!
Hey Michel, I thought this was ok. Kinda funny but I was just wondering how two people could go so quickly from not knowing who they are or why a stranger is in their room, to having sex with each other.
SPOILER And as for it being an amnesia convention, how would they remember to turn up to it or even get themselves there in the first place? I know what you are going for and like I said, it's kinda funny, but doesn't really make sense. It was pretty well written though so good job on that.
thank you for your reviews. I didn't expect much because this is the kind of cr@p I write to improve my style as my English. I kinda like it anyway. The next ones would be much (much) darker.
This crap as you call it, was pretty good. It read fairly well. Some places where your wording was a little odd:
windowpane overlooks window on the verge of the bed edge fully naked naked frontal nudity nudity looking at her in her every move at her every move let's resume the situation review (though resume is funnier) you're a very seducing woman seductive i'm sure you're not insensible insensitive
My favorite line was "very good friends, I must admit," my least favorite "he scratches his crotch."
I know you wrote this to get more comfortabe with writing in English so I hope this helps.
Really enjoyed this short. I chuckled when I read the ending, seriously wasn't expecting that, so well done. Would be relativly easy to shoot (as long as you found some actors who don't mind getting butt-neked), and would translate pretty well to the screen.
Sure, there were a few typos and awkward sentences, but seeing as English isn't your first language, I think you did a very good job. Grademan pointed out everything I noticed as far as typos and awkward sentences, so edit them in the rewrite.
But yeah, congrats with this, I loved this short. Wouldn't be surprised if it gets picked up for production soon
Nice little script to segue you into your Sins work.
I enjoyed this, and of your scripts, this is definitely my favourite. I was struggling at one point to see where you were going with it, and was very pleasantly surprised to see what you did with it - nice touch.
The others have touched on what were my small complaints, and the only thing I can add to this is that it felt a little too similar to a script that was on here already - madhatter's 3 men wake in a room (can't recall the title), which is definitely a 'Groundhog Day' influenced premise.
Still, I liked this and agree with Toby that it's fertile ground for production.