Quoted from Souter Fell The God angle feels really shoehorned in and on the nose. It's as if during "Amazing Stories" from the 80's the characters actually said "Wow, this would make an AMAZING STORY."

I can't get what you mean. God is only quote twice, and only by the manager.

Quoted from Souter Fell You use devices and actions a lot but it begins to feel repeatitive. It seems like he's always stuck in the rain or hitting the walls. Used spaingly it's symbolic, used a lot it's cliche.

There again. Johnny only punches a wall once. Of course, he's always stick in the rain. It's the same rainy night.

Quoted from Souter Fell Hell, you got me to review for the first time in months.

Thanks for that. Hope I have to take it in the good way.

Michel

Quoted from grademan I liked your previous Portrait script with some reservations. The same for thiis one.

To quote that dear Osgood: "Well, nobody's perfect."

Quoted from grademan Too much like Rocky in the opening scene. I could hear "Gonna fly now!" in the background.

I didn't do it on purpose. It was only to show his loneliness. But I guess you can't write a script on boxing without avoiding people to automatically think about "Rocky" or "Raging Bull" (I never saw BTW)

Quoted from grademan "As if God's finger had touched him" is a little over the top.

I know. I'm sometimes inclined to overwrite. Mea Culpa...  

Thanks for the review anyway.

Michel

Thanks for your long review.

Quoted from Dreamscale I know that English isn’t your first language, and I’d say you did an admirable job, considering that. You have a nice way of writing very visually.

Thanks, that's encouraging…

Quoted from Dreamscale Obviously, I have no idea if you’re a boxing fan or maybe even former or current boxer.  You did a pretty good job of describing a boxer’s life, as well as the actual fight itself.  I say pretty good, because there are issues still, in terms of a filmed version.

I know no sh*t about boxing. It's the first time I write about it.

Quoted from Dreamscale First of all, serious injury in boxing is very rare.  But more importantly, serious injury in a fight that lasts less then 2 rounds is unheard of (as far as I can recall).  Injuries of this sort are the result of long, drawn out wars, where massive amounts of punishment are taken.  I didn’t see that here at all…only a handful of punches even landed it seemed.  The actual fight starts on page 9 and ends on page 11, so we’ve got about 2 minutes of actual fighting, including the break after round 1.

I included a MONTAGE during the fight. It covers several rounds. About Marley's death, it could be anything. Brain injury. Hemorrhagic stroke. Remember Johnny hits his temple.

Quoted from Dreamscale I think it needed more brutality in terms of the fight.

I thought about kickboxing, but boxing was more noble IMO.

Quoted from Dreamscale We don’t know enough, or really anything, about Johnny and Lucia’s relationship.  We only see Friday through a flashback and his name is never mentioned, so in a filmed version, no one would even know his name, and we only see his face 1 time in a quick shot of some photos.

  I have to name Friday's character to ease the script read. Johnny/Lucia's relationship is mainly based on love/hate scheme. Johnny's last name is Tanas, an anagram of Satan (Satan being the symbol of anger).  Their relationship (I thoughth it was obvious) is mainly based on physical love.

Quoted from Dreamscale Why Lucia leaves in the end is also a mystery to me.

I defined Lucia's POV when she says:
                                   LUCIA
                                  (weary)
                          Look at you.
Then, he killed a man. I didn't do it on purpose, but she understands that he was meaning Friday. She can't stand anymore the pressure (I hope you felt it) she had till then. That's why she leaves him.

Her spite is contained in these three words.

Hope it answers your questions.

Michel

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. The reason it felt out of place is because John was not shown to be building in his anger.

Anger is already in Johnny.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. It seems strange that he wouldn't head straight to that shower, hall her ass out and demand an explanation.

Johnny is afraid to loose her. Demanding explanations would lead to a conflict he wants to avoid. Though he's a champ on the ring, Johnny's flattens in front of Lucia.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I did however like the wall getting that solid punch.

I thought about him punching Cassius Clay's picture but I was afraid it'd be over the top.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. What's coming to my mind is that maybe that's why Lucia is seeing other men. Maybe Lucia told him flat out: "That's all you care about Johnny! Your boxing!" Because maybe she's fought with him on that point for awhile already and he has a hard time with his emotions somehow. There has to be a reason why she's seeing other guys. Even if it's as simple as: She's just not sure that he's the one.

See above my reply regarding Johnny/Lucia 's relationship.

Anyway, thanks to every one for taking your time reading my script and reviewing. I do appreciate.

Michel

Michel

You’re easily the most productive writer on the boards these times, I liked "The Portrait" so I said I'd take a look at this.

Pg 1 - "Grins with anguish" - Bit of a contradiction here "frown", "contort" or "grimace" might be more suitable.

"Discombobulated" -- Bravo, I've always loved that word, great to see it get a mention.

Pg 1 - "He runs faster and faster as if he would leave that fear far behind him." -- What fear?? If this is all inner turmoil it needs to be shown before you allude to it in the prose.

Good scene with the mirrors before the fight, if handled right it would look slick on screen. You have some interesting ideas throughout the script, like the passionate scene "fragmented" in the broken mirror and the superimposition of Friday's face on Marley's. I think they add to the effectiveness of the piece and would work well.

The fight scenes very, very well written as was the prose for the most part, i think you really got inside the mindset of the crazed boxer.

You have a good, solid piece overall, I liked how you went into great detail in describing emotions, expression, reactions and body language as opposed to a overly complicated story. Not much happens in terms of plot in the 17 pages but that’s not what the exercise is about. It’s more to do with the personal conflicts one experiences, nailing that encompassing feeling of anger and its effects on the individual, culminating in the eventual repercussions on friends, foes and above all loved ones.

In that respect I think you achieved it quite admirably. Although some might argue its more envy than anger conveyed here, they can go hand in hand a lot of the time. One criticism I will say is that the infidelity of Lucia isn't developed enough, it is the driving force behind after all behind Johnny insatiable anger, thus the piece. We only see this Friday’s character on a passport size photo, in a flashback scene, he needs to feature more.

I wouldn't have Johnny drop to his knees either in the courtyard it’s a bit melodramatic, having it rain and that, a tad cheesy even. I like the closing shot, nice touch.

Good job.

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 "Discombobulated" -- Bravo, I've always loved that word, great to see it get a mention.

I like it too. In fact il love words when they mean exactly what I have in mind. One thing you don't, you bunches of English people, is that English is a very precise language. I mean in French we might have several words for one thing. In English, most of the time, there's one. You can't miss it 

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Good scene with the mirrors before the fight, if handled right it would look slick on screen. You have some interesting ideas throughout the script, like the passionate scene "fragmented" in the broken mirror and the superimposition of Friday's face on Marley's. I think they add to the effectiveness of the piece and would work well.

For the first time, I wrote a script like a director would do it.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 The fight scenes very, very well written as was the prose for the most part, i think you really got inside the mindset of the crazed boxer.

Like I said before, thank you Wikipedia…

Quoted from Colkurtz8 You have a good, solid piece overall, I liked how you went into great detail in describing emotions, expression, reactions and body language as opposed to a overly complicated story. Not much happens in terms of plot in the 17 pages but that’s not what the exercise is about. It’s more to do with the personal conflicts one experiences, nailing that encompassing feeling of anger and its effects on the individual, culminating in the eventual repercussions on friends, foes and above all loved ones.

You touched it. I know in 17 pages nothing much happens, but my goal was to be inside Johnny.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Although some might argue its more envy than anger conveyed here, they can go hand in hand a lot of the time.

Anger is the more complicated of the sins in fact. It can't be alone. It has to be caused by something. You can't just be angry. You're angruy because of… something.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 One criticism I will say is that the infidelity of Lucia isn't developed enough, it is the driving force behind after all behind Johnny insatiable anger, thus the piece. We only see this Friday’s character on a passport size photo, in a flashback scene, he needs to feature more.

For me, on a very short time, I had to focus on Johnny and Lucia on a precise moment of time. I hesitated to include a Flashback. It could have worked as well, if we didn't know Friday at all. My first idea was to let say Marley "I f*cked your wife" and all this would have been in Johnny's mind only. On screen it could be easily done. On paper, I was afraid that people think Lucia had an affair with Marley.

Anyway, thank you for your (at last positive) review. I'm very attached to this short, and was a bit upset to not have reached my goal to 100%.

Michel