This was interesting. i wasn't sure if Geoff would cheat. I guessed he wouldn't. Still I had a reason to keep reading. The action lines were very well written, drew me in right away. The dialogue, as someone else said, could have maybe been shortened.

Like...

"Yeah since you guys booked us for the
whole night the agency arranged for us to
have our own room here so we can crash
afterwards".

A lot of the dialogue seemed off. Awkward in that they're at a party, drunk, and speaking in complete sentences, and really long ones! That's my only complaint. Otherwise it is very well written.  

As for the ending, this isn't good or bad it's just what I was thinking...Geoff is faithful to his fiance and his reward is her bringing a third person into their relationship?! I kno it's every man's fantasy, but nuuuuuuuu! I do like that the ending is left open and I hope he doesn't join 'em. GRRRRRRRRRR

Good story!

Tim, second scripts of yours i've read. Very good, quick read again. Enjoyed the story. A couple people mentioned the dialogue and I agree. I.e....


GEOFF
You? You must be joking. You seem like
the kind of girl who would’ve had every
guy in your year in love with you. And
probably half the teachers.

Little long winded. Seems like every guy in high school/college would be better. I mean hell, If the teachers would want to bang her why would he just say the people in her year.

problem with story: If Carly really wanted to test her man's fidelity I just can't buy that she would wait until two days before the wedding. They wouldn't be getting any money back and have to sen all their guests home if he cheated. plus, I don't know if this is a yank thing, but every bachelor party I was ever at was weeks before the wedding. Rehearsal two days prior.

Anyways, I do agree with Alffy about this guy being pissed. I wouldn't appreciate my fiancee pulling that crap at my bachelor party. Probably be returning alot of gifts.

Would have rather seen it end where her stripper/girlfriend came to the wedding making Geoff nervous and the stripper embarrassed. Obviously never met her right? On the way to their hotel lodgings to comsumate the marriage Carly confesses to him that she was her girlfriend from college. That she told her she tried to seduce him and that he was an honest man. And she loves him even more for that. Than they open the door to the hotel room to find her standing there in her police unifrom. "You've both been very bad". They look at each other, smile, walk in and shut the door. Lol. I need to get laid.   Nice work.... James

Quoted from jwent6688 Tim, second scripts of yours i've read. Very good, quick read again. Enjoyed the story. A couple people mentioned the dialogue and I agree. I.e.... GEOFF You? You must be joking. You seem like the kind of girl who would’ve had every guy in your year in love with you. And probably half the teachers. Little long winded. Seems like every guy in high school/college would be better. I mean hell, If the teachers would want to bang her why would he just say the people in her year.

Yeah that's a fair point, I will probably have to go back and change some of the dialogue I think.

Quoted Text problem with story: If Carly really wanted to test her man's fidelity I just can't buy that she would wait until two days before the wedding. They wouldn't be getting any money back and have to sen all their guests home if he cheated. plus, I don't know if this is a yank thing, but every bachelor party I was ever at was weeks before the wedding. Rehearsal two days prior.

Ok it wasn't that Carly was wanting to test his fidelity, it was that Ruby was trying to prove her point that men can't be trusted and he would cheat. It was Ruby's idea and Carly always had faith in Geoff, as indicated in the story. And being a stripper that was the obvious place to do it, at the bachelor party. I know here in Oz a lot of bachelor parties are a couple of days before the wedding, some the night before. I didn't know it was different in America. Someone earlier in the thread made a reference to the Hangover, and I think in that movie the bachelor party weekend is right before the wedding. So I think it just comes down to individual preference, I don't think there is any protocol that dictates when it should be.

Quoted Text Would have rather seen it end where her stripper/girlfriend came to the wedding making Geoff nervous and the stripper embarrassed. Obviously never met her right? On the way to their hotel lodgings to comsumate the marriage Carly confesses to him that she was her girlfriend from college. That she told her she tried to seduce him and that he was an honest man. And she loves him even more for that. Than they open the door to the hotel room to find her standing there in her police unifrom. "You've both been very bad". They look at each other, smile, walk in and shut the door.

I think that kinda draws the story out, and it means new scene locations and having a wedding and time lapses and everything. I think it would be better suited to a feature and not a short. I prefer to keep it in the here and now if you know what I mean, just having the story take place where it is and not stretching it out. Also if you have Carly telling Geoff about everything that happened then you get into the grey area of telling and not showing. I think it has more of an impact to actually see Carly come out and show that the girls know each other. If she just says so it is not as dramatic. But everyone is going to have a different take on a story and find their own way to tell it so that's cool too.

Quoted Text Lol. I need to get laid.   Nice work.... James

Haha good luck with that one mate, can't help you there I'm afraid.  

Cheers for the read and feedback,
Tim.

Ha, that's why I put that at the end. i think i was going off on a tangent of my own personal fantasy. btw, forgot to compliment you on Randy's character. He really did crack me up. Kept picturing Jeremy Piven playing that roll for some reason...    James

hi tim!  

i read through your short story and thought it was very good!  yeah, you could break up some of the long dialogue, but you've captured the atmosphere of the bach. party through your descriptions.  

unlike the other readers, i didn't see the ending coming at all.  i thought it was a cool twist (and this coming from a girl!).

i can tell that you're a very strong writer and your work comes off professionally, for me.  

Hey lala, thanks for your comments. Glad you enjoyed it.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hey Tim,

I saw you've been reading some scripts around here and I don't think I've ever taken a look at any of your stuff before, so I thought I'd give this a read.

Overall, I think it was funny and I'm pretty sure that's what you had set out to do with this script, and yet, you still had something good to say about the condition of mankind... that we're not all pigs.  (Myself, I wouldn't have slept with Ruby, but when Carly gave me the go ahead to join them, I would've been in that room in a heartbeat.  :-))

I have to say that I did see the end coming, that I knew it was a setup and that Ruby was going to know Carly somehow.  However, I didn't anticipate that Carly was going to be the 'experimenting roommate from college', so I was very surprised at the fact and kind of spanked myself for not figuring that one out.  Great twist.

I've just read through some of the other comments and noticed that a couple of people have mentioned that there's too much dialogue.  Yes, the story is dialogue-heavy... but I don't think it's a bad thing in this case.  In my eyes, I think this kind of script needs the dialogue to push the story along.  I don't think you wrote this as an artsy-fartsy film, so I don't think you need fancy, beautiful, eerie descriptions to give us a feel of the film's atmosphere.  You tell us it's a bachelor party and how everybody's partying.  That's really all you needed to say to describe it, so good job on not taking us out of the story's purpose.

The ending, I think, was great.  I found myself chuckling even after I had already read it, and I still have a smile on my face now just thinking about it.  So, all in all, I think you did a good job of entertaining the reader, and probably did a good job of turning a couple people on in the process.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Thanks for the read mate. I'd forgotten all about this one to be honest, I probably should update the scripts in my sig!

Yeah you pretty much nailed it with what I was going for, was just a bit of fun to write and not trying to be anything too deep or heavy. If people find it mildly amusing or interesting to read, great, I'm happy.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hey Tim,

I just gave this one a read, and I thought it was a decent effort.  The writing and the dialouge were good IMO and I was able to breeze right through it.

I thought the Randy character was going to be a little too cliched for me in the beginning, but I thought the whole proposing to the other stripper's breasts was pretty funny, and gave him a little personality.

By the time the reveal came around, I was kind of like, WTF?  I mean I don't frequent strippers all that often, but I'd be lying if I said I've never had the pleasure.  The thing that I started thinking was, why is Ruby so hell-bent on getting this guy in the sack.  I mean she's getting paid one way or the other, wouldn't she be happy about not having to pimp herself out?

I guess you brought that around with the whole setup by Carly, but perhaps it might add another layer of intrigue to the story if you made Ruby out to be more "damaged goods".  You tell us that she went to college, she is a singer/song writer, etc.  Even if it turns out she is lying in the end, I think it might add a whole "what is this crazy chicks problem" aspect to the story if she is kind of screwed up, and still wants to get in Geoff's pants.  I know, the whole damaged stirpper thing might be cliched, but like I said, I think it would add another layer to the story.  At the very least, I think it would be more believable that she is basically insisting on seducing this guy.

Unfotunately, I don't have much more to add in the way of suggestions because, as I said, I thought the writing was fine, and I was able to breeze through it.  Anyway, best of luck.

Craig

P.S. I see that some of the other commenters indicated that they saw the ending coming.  I did not connect the dots.  But, as I said, I did start to puzzle about why Ruby was so adament about trying to seduce Geoff.  I'm a little slow today, but I may have gotten there eventually.  Anyway, good job, overall.

Hi Tim, I really enjoyed this short. It's funny at times and made me want to know what Geoff would do in that situation.

The characters are distinct from each other. The dialogue flows really well as well.

I particularly liked the scene where Geoff and Ruby were discussing Astroboy and other stuffs not relating to sex. That was a surprise revelation in the setting and situation they were in.

Now the ending. It made sense but I'm not crazy about it. It's simply Carly doing all the exposition to explain everything. And now it made me have reservation about Carly. I think Carly will cheat on Geoff first rather than the other way around.

The writing is crisp and easily understandable.

Good job.