I actually think the V.O. works well here.  I don't think the story does, however, as I wouldn't have a clue this is a drive by shooting.  Biggest problem is the amount of passive verbiage on display.  It's everywhere, and in something so short, it just sticks out like a sore thumb.

So that's that.

Quoted from jayrex Wasn't too taxing to read and difficult to understand.  I liked the message you've conveyed and see nothing wrong with it.

I'm glad it wasn't too taxing. So you read the entire two pages? Thanks for the comments and compliments.

Quoted from Dreamscale Biggest problem is the amount of passive verbiage on display.  It's everywhere, and in something so short, it just sticks out like a sore thumb.

Huh, nobody has pointed that out yet, you've given me something to look at. Thanks for the comments, fellow Arizonan.

James

I'm in Chandler...soon to be North Scottsdale. Where are you?

Yeah, the passive verbiage thing is something that just jumps out at me.  As I say so often, IMO, it's not that you can't ever use it, but two things are big no nos for me...when it's used early on, and when it comes in multiple examples before the story has a grip.  At only 2 pages, I don't think you should have any passive verbiage in here.

Quoted from James R I guess I wanted the VO to be sort of a subtext for what was really happening.

The elusive subtext. Like I said, I think you tried too hard with it instead of being Nike about it (the subtext there is JUST DO IT).

Quoted from James R In her VO Kate doesn't really talk about what's happening, otherwise there would be no point in it and real dialogue should replace it.

Having voice over is still talking. You're explaining the very subtext you're looking for by talking and I'm not sure that would be subtext anyway, that would be tragedy because how does she know what's about to happen? Subtext would be something like he's talking about changing the oil in his car because it's been such a long time and she, being fresh out of prison, says something like..."well, I then I think I need my oil changed, too."

Quoted from James R The action you mentioned were all good suggestions but at that point the sadness is taken out of it and it becomes anger, but almost comical. Maybe what I wrote is too subtle (it wouldn't be the first time) for some, maybe most. I don't want to take the focus off Kate and Brian, which is why you only see the couple walking on the sidewalk and the car full of gun-wielding maniacs through the fence (Kate's POV).

Of course you realize my action was a joke. And yours was too subtle, no maybe about it. Like I said, you're not writing prose here, your writing a script. You could write it MOS, but someone still has to be hanging out the window of the car shooting, even if it's puffs of smoke and ripping fence set to Phil Collins' In the Air Tonight.

Quoted from James R This was originally intended to be a longer piece that I cut down to a single scene when I wrote it because I felt sadness when the situation took place. It was going to be a tale of revenge where Kate finds the gun-wielders and takes them out but I liked this better.

Then I wasn't too far off with Kate's RPG. Hehe. You get 'em Kate!

Quoted from James R We're about to have a baby!

Uh, correction, she is...you're just along for the ride and hair pulling, and have fun with that. I hope he/she has all their fingers and toes.

Quoted from Dreamscale At only 2 pages, I don't think you should have any passive verbiage in here.

Thanks, I'll have to go over it again. I should have known better, given I just read the part in Stephen King's "On Writing" where he talks about it too.
I'm in Casa Grande, just moved down from Mesa. I think we've talked about this before?

To cloroxmartini: thank you for the lesson, really. I'm learning as I go and people like you make it much easier. You think I should throw out the VO entirely and have real dialogue then? I can do that.

Quoted from cloroxmartini You could write it MOS, but someone still has to be hanging out the window of the car shooting, even if it's puffs of smoke and ripping fence set to Phil Collins' In the Air Tonight.

That was good. I had never heard the term MOS.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Uh, correction, she is...you're just along for the ride and hair pulling, and have fun with that. I hope he/she has all their fingers and toes.

Correction of your correction: I feel everything she feels, only magnified. Since I cannot actually feel it I imagine feeling it and imagine that it's 10x worse than it probably actually is. And yes, she was born happy and healthy.
Thanks again.

Quoted from James R Correction of your correction: I feel everything she feels, only magnified. Since I cannot actually feel it I imagine feeling it and imagine that it's 10x worse than it probably actually is. And yes, she was born happy and healthy. Thanks again.

congratulations. now spend your money wisely.

James

You always give mine a go so its only right to return the favour. I'm generally not keen or just indifferent to short shorts like this, 1 and 2 pagers. I enjoy the quick read but ultimately they don't do much for me and I'm left unsatified.

I'm afraid this was no different, an admirable attempt I will say, the voiceover and message you were trying to convey is a poignant one but 2 pages simply don't cover it. It's clear you have something to say with this, why not give yourself more leeway to exploit it? The shooting of the couple was too random, too out of the blue to make any impact, I was just left wondering why.

As I said, a good subject to explore and its obvious from other works I've read of yours that you're a talented writer, my wish is fo you to express yourself more or at least give yourself a chance. Maybe take a little time to flesh out a plot and formulate a more complete script using what you've got here.

Best of luck

Col.

Hello James, talking to myself again. I liked it for a 2 pager. i got that it was a drive bye right off, think someone else posted they were confused. It was sad and moving so I think you hit the mark. Bye the way I love revenge stories, when they're good. Been alo of crappy films about them lately. Anyways, nice work...  James <- that's me.

Hey, Col. Thanks for reading again.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 The shooting of the couple was too random, too out of the blue to make any impact, I was just left wondering why.

Aren't accidental deaths always like that? I get what you mean, though.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Maybe take a little time to flesh out a plot and formulate a more complete script using what you've got here.

I may, I may not. This was intended to be a longer script originally but it changed on me once I started writing. This was a fairly quick one and I have since moved on.

Good to hear from you again.

Hey, James. Thanks for reading, James, and for the compliments. James