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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Delayed Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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Delayed by Tim Ratcliffe (trojan) - Short - A young woman gets more than she bargained for after her flight is delayed. 5 pages - pdf, format


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rjbelair
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Tim,

Cute story, but lacking in drama and conflict.  Andy had the goal of picking up Kate, but Kate didn't have any particular need, problem, or goal (aside from a delayed flight - a problem that solved itself within a few minutes).  Andy isn't facing any particular obstacle, Kate seems quite interested in being picked up.  So, yeah, it ends up being a nice little meet-up, but there's no real juice.  With the Little Red Riding Hood allusions I was expecting a twist where Andy ended up being a big bad wolf (especially with the all the sinister coin flipping - a classic bad guy affectation), but it was all fluffy and innocent.

I did like that the coin came up tails and she went anyway, good visual character moment there.  Also, when she gave him 5 minutes to wow her, it ended up being more like 30 seconds.  Might want to tweak that bit.

It was well written, and the dialogue flowed nicely.  I did notice a few typos (hands for heads at the bottom of 2, and face for fate on page 3), but otherwise format and style were great.

Good luck!



Why do things that only happen to stupid people keep happening to me?

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Trojan
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for getting this up. This short is the result of a writing exercise I was given to show a flirtatious first meeting between two characters. Genre was supposed to be like a romance so it's a little on the cheesy side. Any and all comments are appreciated.

Cheers,
Tim.


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Silva Sly
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Tim

Very nice piece of romance you have written...Andy's character is very engaging, and I was very drawn to each piece of dialogue he delivered...had me very curious as to whether his method of picking up a girl could work on Kate. He has nice witty humor that pours out without even trying...it seems to be part of his character.

The story itself is effective...at least in the exercise assignment that you had to do...I like it alot, because not only does it play out as romance, but if you wanted to, you could play it out as a thriller...coz as I was drawn into his analogy of the "Red Riding Hood" story, I too had almost though that HE was the wolf in question.

It seems to me that Kate's character needs more work...maybe I was a tad disappointed that she seemed really easy...in terms of being picked up by a total stranger. Maybe a couple more run-ins between the both of them in the airport, where the conversation about odds of meeting up again and fate could've given this piece a more cat-and-mouse feel to it.

But regardless, I enjoyed it thoroughly. You have great taste in dialogue that I could ever hope for...keep up the good work.

-Silva-
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jayrex
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Tim,

Cute story.  I wasn't sure where we were going with this and I liked how it ended.  I liked the fairytale idea and the coin idea.  It was a pleasant read.  No complaints.

All the best,


Javier


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Tommyp
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 1:08am Report to Moderator
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Right Tim, another piece of s*** script from you that my mum has forced me to read. It's worse than torture I tell ya - Okay, a bit far there. You know I like your shorts ... your jeans are good too. Boom!

Okay, my review as I read:

- First paragraph, "people" should be in capitals. I would be more specific though, instead of just saying what they are doing. Maybe something like:

"A FAMILY rush to catch a flight, a COUPLE greet eachother, another FAMILY drag their luggage as they scuttle towards a terminal."

That kind of thing.

- "Amidst this manic chaos, a single girl is noticeable for her stillness. This is KATE, 18, attractive, wearing a red-hooded jumper."

Interesting. I would have written, "KATE, 18, attractive, wearing a red-hooded jumper, stands as people frantically rush around her."

It's down to style though, to a point. Simple is better. I'm not gonna comment on how I would write certain lines for the rest of this script, but if you want me to after you have read this review, just say and I will go through it again.

- Why is it amatuer to be waiting for an hour instead of all day? Doesn't make sense.

- "Oh really, so you still believe in ‘happily ever after’ do you?"

I think it's too early in the interaction for her to start asking questions. He can ask as many as he wants, because he's the cool, confident guy who started the conversation, and I really don't think she would ask something like that after a small amount of them talking.

- 'It’s clear he is performing a quick set of calculations." cut it out I say.

- Nice touch with the hair touching.

- "Your five minutes is up." But that was about 30 seconds...

Okay finished it. Great dialogue, the best you have done I would say. Flowed well, and the ending was good. Could have been better though, the ending, with a bit of tweaking. I like what happens, just the wording and timing isn't 100%. I don't know what to suggest, sorry, but it just doesn't feel right.

Don't really know what else to say man. Fun, quick read with good writing, like the rest of your shorts.

Another success. Well done.


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michel
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Tim,

I haven’t read the other reviews, so forgive me if I seem redundant.

Nice story, well tell, good dialogues, but too short. I was expecting more on the end.
One thing bothered me too : you describe Andrews as a geek and kate attractive. There should more suspicion in Kate before she could accept Andrew’s theory about fate.

Come on Tim, I’me sure you could do better. You have a good matter, but it seems uncomplete to me.

Michel


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colkurtz8
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Tim

I thought you done a good job with this. Superb opening page, really fluent and readable. Some stylish camera work could be played around with in the opening sequence, the image of statuesque girl in red staring at flights board is an attention grabbing shot.

I like your writing style, very slick. You have a reassured command of dialogue, it flowed easily and was above all believable. You got some cool chararcters in Kate and Andrew.

I wouldn't normally go for these fluffy stories but I took to this. I was kinda hoping she would catch her flight the first time around when the coin showed up tails as its not what the audience would expect. However I must admit it went from strength to strength when they were in the cafe.

This is primarily down to the sharp exchanges between the two, kept me interested how you carefully paced the conversation with Kate slowly but surely getting won over. You avoided the cheese factor too which I must applaud as its something which these type of stories descend into all too often...not the case here.

One thing I would change is the linking of arms at the end, too cuddly. They are still strangers after all and on the basis of the previous four pages is not something I don't think either would do, certainly not Kate a.k.a Cynical princess. It betrays her strong character up to that point.

Fine job, Tim, wonderful repetoire between the two leads. I'd love to see this on screen.

Cheers

Col.


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Andrew
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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Tim,

I see that you've tightened up your writing, and this is to great effect.

I like it even more when I see my name in it!

The characters are great, and the dialogue between them flowed nicely. The only real complaint I have is that it maybe ends too soon. That is owing to the way you've written something that demands further attention. However, while there is self-contained story evident here, it lacks - as Ray alludes to - the important conflict or glue that will leave us caring deeply. The good news is that this is easily fixable by writing something longer.

There were some nice visual moments, and the coin was a nice tactic in developing the clear curiousity that Kate feels in this charming guy. It also reminds me of when I can't make a decision, and I flip a coin, when it comes down on one side, I can usually tell what I truly wanted by the relief or disappointment felt. That's probably why I can relate to this element of the story.

Ultimately this script requires an explanation as to why Kate can just ditch her flight - for example - for a later one to shift the story from cute 5-pager to something more substantial. Developing the characters, and creating an engaging plot would allow you to capitalise on a great opening.

Do you plan to lengthen it?

Andrew


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Trojan
Posted: June 23rd, 2009, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for all the replies and feedback everyone, I appreciate it.

It seems most of the comments are of a similar nature so I won't reply individually to everyone. The main issues are that there is not enough story, it ends too quickly and the ending is a bit too convenient and rushed. I'd agree with all of you on those points and I think it comes as a result of what I was trying to achieve with this piece.

As I mentioned above it was an exercise I was given to show a flirtatious first meeting between two people, and to mainly focus on the dialogue. It was only supposed to be a page or two with a few lines of conversation, and I just sort of added the story to give some context to the dialogue. But then I kind of got carried away with it and ended up with a few extra pages and wanting to give it a sense of completion with a happy ending. So I think the problem is that it's more of a scene than a complete story, so the ending probably feels a bit forced because it is missing a whole heap of things that would normally occur before the characters end up as they do.

I didn't really know how to end it in a realistic way that at the same time gave a sense that the story was finished and ended on a happy note. In real life it's unlikely that two people would end up like this after such a short amount of time so I think that is one of the main problems with it.

Besides the ending and lack of conflict, the overall reactions were pretty positive so I'll take something from that. And thanks to everyone who commented that they enjoyed the dialogue, as that was my main focal point when given the exercise.

Cheers,
Tim.


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alffy
Posted: June 23rd, 2009, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tim

This was a nice little read but I have a few questions;

Kate doesn't work well for me, she accepts Andrews advances too quickly for me.  A complete stranger starts a conversation about fate, wouldn't you be a bit more wary of them?  Perhaps if they knew each other, maybe from way back, this would be a little more believable.

I did like Andrew's character though.  His dialogue was first rate and he was pretty well developed for a small piece.

Your writing was strong and I have no complaints about that either.  I enjoyed it but Kate's character just niggled me.  Overall, a nice read.


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Trojan
Posted: June 23rd, 2009, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Alffy, thanks for the comments mate.

With Kate accepting his advances too quickly, I tried to cover the issues with this in my post above. Ultimately I was trying to write a story that has two people getting together in as few pages as possible. Without making the story more in-depth and adding many more pages I think it's tough to make it seem realistic while also having a beginning, middle and a happy ending.

I tried to give the impression of Kate not being won over so easily, for example in how she comes across to Andrew as cynical. When he talks about fate I have her reacting sceptically, but it makes some sort of an impact on her as she decides to go back over and give him a chance. Your point is definitely valid, and I think that perhaps what I was trying to achieve is too ambitious for a story this short.

Cheers,
Tim.


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harrietb
Posted: June 23rd, 2009, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked the dialogue and the characters and found this very well written and a great read. Just one niggle though - It was Kate's decison to wait for the next flight so one might say she flew in the face of fate (no pun intended) leaving poor Grandma alone, waiting for her to visit. You raised expectations of something s little more sinister with the Red Riding Hood story so just thought something darker was needed at the end, perhaps something like Andrew texting "Wolf" now that he managed to sidetrack Kate.


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alffy
Posted: June 23rd, 2009, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Trojan
With Kate accepting his advances too quickly, I tried to cover the issues with this in my post above.


Sorry mate, sometimes I don't read the other comments so I can give an unbiased opinion.  Now that I've read over your comments, it's become a bit clearer as to what you were trying to achieve and for that you did a good job.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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grademan
Posted: June 23rd, 2009, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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This is my first read of one of your scripts. I am impressed. I am trying to get my dialogue up to snap and I appreciate short pieces like this for inspiration.

Gary  


Major lead characters must show GRIT. No wimps! He must do something. He must have forward motion.

JAMES SCOTT BELL
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