Quoted from grademan This is my first read of one of your scripts. I am impressed. I am trying to get my dialogue up to snap and I appreciate short pieces like this for inspiration.

Thanks Gary, glad you were able to get something useful out of it. Let me know if you have any work posted on here, I'd be happy to give it a read.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hi Tim,
For some reason I thought I responded to this script days ago. Obviously I had responded in thought only.
So I reread for a fresher perspective.
First question: why do you use "a beat" in parenthetical? It doesn't mean anything. Why didn't you describe his pause in an action line instead?

About the character Andrew, I'm not very keen on him. He is so indirect, hoping to impress a girl by being all nerdy. Why didn't he simply let her know he found her attractive and would like her to join him for a bite.
Atleast then she might put up a "fight"(well... I might miss my flight...) and he could charm her.
Instead, he's kind of a coward, leaving the ball completely in her court. Why does she go there?( because up until the cafe scene, he didn't flirt with her in a way that said he was interested)  Maybe all the guys she may have met are equally afraid to approach women so she decides to be the "man"...? He's playing coy and she makes the decision. I mean she's 18 and he's 25 for crying out loud.

Also, I thought the fairytale reference was a setup for something more ominous.

Nicely written, btw.

Hey Tim, Thought this was a good read. Very witty dialogue. Almost too witty. I felt like he was more of antag. felt like he was luring her into something, not just hitting on her. Good work though, James

Quoted from JamminGirl Hi Tim, For some reason I thought I responded to this script days ago. Obviously I had responded in thought only. So I reread for a fresher perspective.

Thanks for the read, I'll try my best to address your points.

Quoted Text First question: why do you use "a beat" in parenthetical? It doesn't mean anything. Why didn't you describe his pause in an action line instead?

It's perfectly acceptable to indicate a beat in parenthicals, and I'm not a fan of breaking up the dialogue too much to write unnecessary action lines. It takes up more space to write it as action and ultimately it would be seen on the screen the same way, so what is the point? The way I have written it is simply to indicate to the actor to pause for effect.

Quoted Text About the character Andrew, I'm not very keen on him. He is so indirect, hoping to impress a girl by being all nerdy. Why didn't he simply let her know he found her attractive and would like her to join him for a bite.

I'm not sure what you mean about him being all nerdy, I don't think that's how he came across to most people. As for him being indirect, well it might be a bit full-on to approach a stranger so directly in an airport. He is simply starting a conversation with her and giving her a chance to respond, it puts less pressure on her that way. Sure he could have gone direct and said he found her attractive. Why didn't he? Well that's his character, you could ask why does anyone do anything. Not everyone is going to approach the same situation in the same way.

Quoted Text Atleast then she might put up a "fight"(well... I might miss my flight...) and he could charm her.

If he does that she has the option to say yes or no. He has laid all his cards on the table and there is less tension in the scene as it doesn't have the opportunity to build to a peak as much. If he begins by asking her to join him for a bite to eat and she says no, the rest of the scene is simply him trying to change her mind or begging her, and I don't believe would work as well.

Quoted Text Instead, he's kind of a coward, leaving the ball completely in her court.

How is he a coward? A coward wouldn't approach her in the first place. And no matter what he does, the ball is always in her court. If he approaches and states his intent from the beginning the ball is still in her court. She has the power to say yes or no, no matter what. The ball is always in the woman's court.

Also from a character perspective, she is the protagonist in the story so I wanted her to have to make a decision to join him or not. If he dictates everything that happens, she becomes a passive character that everything happens to. Instead I wanted to have her driving the story forward by being put into a situation where she had to make a decision, and thus, reveal character.

Quoted Text Why does she go there?( because up until the cafe scene, he didn't flirt with her in a way that said he was interested)

  

I'm not sure how you could read it and not tell that he was flirting with her in a way that says he was interested. Just becaue he didn't say the words 'I like you' doesn't mean he didn't tell her he liked her. Sometimes things are better said with subtext, innuendo and subtlety. Why does she go there? Because she was intrigued by him and wanted to give him a chance.

Quoted Text Maybe all the guys she may have met are equally afraid to approach women so she decides to be the "man"...? He's playing coy and she makes the decision. I mean she's 18 and he's 25 for crying out loud.

Do you get the impression he is afraid to approach her? I think most people would not approach a stranger in an airport like that, so IMO it shows that he at least has guts to approach her and flirt with her like that.

Also for what it's worth, I received a couple of e-mails from women saying they wish a guy like that would approach them in the airport and another that loved his confidence and cheekiness. So it comes down to personal taste. While maybe you didn't like the way he did things, other women wished they could meet a guy just like him. I think it's a case perhaps of you not seeing the subtlety or reading between the lines. Sometimes on screen it is boring if characters say exactly what they mean and instead it is preferable to find other ways to imply what is happening.

Quoted Text Also, I thought the fairytale reference was a setup for something more ominous.

I did consider that, but it would take more pages for all that to play out and I wanted to keep it as short as possible.

Quoted Text Nicely written, btw.

Thanks, and I appreciate the read and the comments.

Cheers,
Tim.

A beat in parenthetical is acceptable to whom? If it's unneccesary as you say, why write it? The word, 'a beat' is not something the actor can act.
Recently at a writer's meetup, an amateur writer was having his script read be actors(what do they call that, 'cold reading'?) and the moderator, a producer/director, commented at the end how 'lazy' it was to write the word 'beat' in the script. I tend to agree. To me, beats mean emotive actions, that changes the tone or direction of the scene/story. If a character hesitates, I'd put that in the action line or parenthetical.

You were going for subtext with Andrew, I get that, but I don't think being direct means being 'on the nose'. He played with a coin showing how well he knows mathematical probability, spoke about delays and fairytales then expects her to join him after.
Yes it's her choice, but it would've been stronger IMO if he flirted with her directly. Then she might have played coy or resist due to her flight, and we get a bit of conflict.

I gotto say Tim, it's funny how women wished that men would approach them, even as badly as I thought this character did. It says alot about how timid men in some countries/cultures are...
anyways, do your thing!

Quoted from JamminGirl A beat in parenthetical is acceptable to whom?

I mean it is accepted as industry standard, there is nothing wrong with it format-wise.

Quoted Text If it's unneccesary as you say, why write it? The word, 'a beat' is not something the actor can act.

I didn't say it was unneccesary, I said it isn't needed in an action line. It is an indcation to the actor as to how the line should be said. It means to pause for a second before replying, so I think it is something they can act.

Quoted Text Recently at a writer's meetup, an amateur writer was having his script read be actors(what do they call that, 'cold reading'?) and the moderator, a producer/director, commented at the end how 'lazy' it was to write the word 'beat' in the script. I tend to agree. To me, beats mean emotive actions, that changes the tone or direction of the scene/story. If a character hesitates, I'd put that in the action line or parenthetical.

Ok you are talking about story beats, which is something entirely different. A BEAT, simply means a pause, and is what is used as industry standard. You say if a character hesistates to write it in parenthicals, well this is what I did. Only instead of the word hesitate or pause, I used beat, which is standard. Also hesitate has connotations relating to being unsure or lacking confidence so I didn't use that word.

Quoted Text You were going for subtext with Andrew, I get that, but I don't think being direct means being 'on the nose'.

Yeah I agree. The reasons I gave are that it doesn't give the scene the chance to build momentum the same way. If he is indirect the audience can anticipate the point where he makes a move, or if he makes a move, or a number of different scenarios. If he is direct then you already know where he stands and what he wants and instead of the scene having the chance to build up to a peak, it would be more level all the way through.

Quoted Text He played with a coin showing how well he knows mathematical probability, spoke about delays and fairytales then expects her to join him after.

He spoke about delays because they were both delayed for their flights, so that seems fairly normal to do. It's talking about something that is happening in the environment, what's wrong with that? The fairytale came up because he was teasing/joking/flirting with her and she mentioned fairytales. The coin he was playing with already, as someone might do if they were bored and had nothing to do.

Quoted Text Yes it's her choice, but it would've been stronger IMO if he flirted with her directly. Then she might have played coy or resist due to her flight, and we get a bit of conflict.

Yeah I already talked about this. He goes direct, she can say yes or no. If she says yes, there is no story. If she says no, he has to try to change her mind. Then she is back in the position of being able to say yes or no. It is a continual loop. So the audience already knows where he stands and a lot of the tension woul be drained from the scene. As it is she is already being a bit coy, and the conflict already exists in her having a flight to catch and whether she will choose the flight or him. So him going direct doesn't change that fact. She still has the same choice to make and the conflict is the same.

I think also there is a difference between flirting with someone and hitting on them. If he goes in directly like you say, it's more a case of hitting on her straight up. Not all women like that. Flirting is more subtle and generally shows someone you are interested without having to come out and say it in so many words. I know a lot of women who wish guys would stop hitting on them and start flirting with them.

Quoted Text I gotto say Tim, it's funny how women wished that men would approach them, even as badly as I thought this character did. It says alot about how timid men in some countries/cultures are...

Actually it could be the opposite, as a lot of attractive women get approached by guys who are too agressive and blunt and women get tired of it. Plenty of women get approached directly by plenty of guys, so they are not going to go out on a date or give their number to all of them. Sometimes women want a guy to approach them in a low-key way that takes the pressure off and gives them the opportunity to get to know the guy before he starts hitting on her. Perhaps they also want a guy who will take the time to talk to her as a person as well so she feels like he wants to get to know her and not just wants her for her looks.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hey just read your script, thought is was pretty cute.  Seems like other comments pretty much covered any criticisms I would have had.  As far as the math thing, I'm not sure if he's implying that the coin was likely to land on heads since it had a buncha times in a row.  even if a coin lands on heads 50 times, the next flip is still 50/50 between the two.  but if he was just referencing coincidence/fate, then it makes sense.  
also in terms of hitting on/flirting with I dont think the difference is how direct you are, I think its the amount of respect.  you can directly ask a girl out in a flirtacious way.  to me hitting on is when youre clear you want sex.  i think your character is firmly in the flirting realm just because of his adherence to romanticism, plus he puts the ball in her court.  of course thats coming from a guys perspective so who knows.
anyways thats about all I have, nice dialogue, fun read.

Plain and simple and I feel like I've seen this before. It lacks a solid hook. Could be an intro to something more, but this intro doesn't foretell what that could be.

Tim, I liked this. The dialogue reads smoothly - the images are evoked well and I think you succeeded in fulfilling the "exercise". The only thing I query is Andrew's description "geek chic" - maybe just describe him as being a good looking guy - cause at the moment the "geek" part sticks out and might be at odds with Kate being so quick to be "smitten" with Andrew and delay her plans to visit Granny.

As for the (beat) or (pause) I agree it is legit. I used to use it a lot until I realised it's become a bit passe. Seems fashions come and go in script formatting too.

Hi Tim. Read this and the comments. The writing was crisp and fluent, the characters easily identifiable. I didn't have a prob with any resolution or climax - you left it open for any interpretaion or further length.
It was good too, how this could've taken place in any English speaking airport in the world.  good job.

Quoted from jackx Hey just read your script, thought is was pretty cute.  Seems like other comments pretty much covered any criticisms I would have had.  As far as the math thing, I'm not sure if he's implying that the coin was likely to land on heads since it had a buncha times in a row.  even if a coin lands on heads 50 times, the next flip is still 50/50 between the two.  but if he was just referencing coincidence/fate, then it makes sense.

Yeah you are right, and the latter is what was meant.

Quoted Text also in terms of hitting on/flirting with I dont think the difference is how direct you are, I think its the amount of respect.  you can directly ask a girl out in a flirtacious way.  to me hitting on is when youre clear you want sex.  i think your character is firmly in the flirting realm just because of his adherence to romanticism, plus he puts the ball in her court.  of course thats coming from a guys perspective so who knows.

I think we're more or less on the same page with this. What I was getting at is that you can flirt with someone and not necessarily have any intentions of taking it anywhere. Like when you are out shopping you might flirt with the cashier but that doesn't mean you are going to ask them out. But if you go straight up and tell them you like them and ask them out, you are basically hitting on them. That's where I make the distinction. The point I was trying to make with JamminGirl is that by flirting innocently it provides more room to move and has the opportunity to escalate in tension. By hitting on her straight up, it already starts with him asking her out and misses the opportunity to work up to that point.

Quoted Text anyways thats about all I have, nice dialogue, fun read.

Thanks for the read Jack, I appreciate your comments.

Cheers,
Tim.

Quoted from LC Tim, I liked this. The dialogue reads smoothly - the images are evoked well and I think you succeeded in fulfilling the "exercise". The only thing I query is Andrew's description "geek chic" - maybe just describe him as being a good looking guy - cause at the moment the "geek" part sticks out and might be at odds with Kate being so quick to be "smitten" with Andrew and delay her plans to visit Granny.

Ok that might be something I need to change if that's how it comes across. By geek chic I meant that he was well dressed in that artsy/indie sort of way that is trendy these days, not that he was actually a real geek. I might need to make that clearer. I didn't just write good looking because it is used a lot and doesn't really convey the character since good looking can mean so many different things. But I will look at making it clearer if I do a rewrite.

Quoted Text As for the (beat) or (pause) I agree it is legit. I used to use it a lot until I realised it's become a bit passe. Seems fashions come and go in script formatting too.

Yeah I think it's like everything, if you overuse it then it might be a problem. Some people might debate it's place nowadays but it is still used in current scripts and by top writers so I don't see a problem with it. If it conveys as simply as possible what I'm intending to say then I'm all for it.

Anyway thanks for the read and taking the time to comment. Appreciate it.

Cheers,
Tim.

Quoted from stevie Hi Tim. Read this and the comments. The writing was crisp and fluent, the characters easily identifiable. I didn't have a prob with any resolution or climax - you left it open for any interpretaion or further length. It was good too, how this could've taken place in any English speaking airport in the world.  good job.

Stevie, thanks for the read mate. Glad you liked it.

Yeah I know a lot of people from all over the world who have met their partners at an airport or on the actual plane...why is it I always seem to get stuck next to the fat guy and the crying baby?  

Cheers,
Tim.

Well written, but the best adjective I can think of is -- trivial.  A five page writing exercise about a corny meet-cute at the airport?  As others have noted, it doesn't go anywhere.
  The dialogue is at times forced or on-the-nose: "Do you always hit on girls like this at the airport?"  Still, with a little philosophy or back-story or reasons that these two might actually be together, this could have been an interesting diversion.

I thought this was well written, but I do think the dialogue lacked those little awkward moments, cute ones, when two ppl, especially if they are attracted to each other, sometimes have. It all just flows so easily. Maybe too easily?

I did enjoyed reading it. It wasn't work... so points for that!