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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Delayed Moderators: bert
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dogglebe
Posted: July 15th, 2009, 4:52am Report to Moderator
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This was an enjoyable read, Tim, something that I could see picked up by a filmmaker, if not for the problems that may be faced in filming in an airport.

When I first started reading, I picked up on the Red Riding Hood simularities.  I'm glad you didn't go over the top with it.  It made for a better and more believeable story.


Phil
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Trojan
Posted: July 16th, 2009, 8:12am Report to Moderator
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Bryan, thanks for the read mate.


Quoted from bryan00009
The dialogue is at times forced or on-the-nose: "Do you always hit on girls like this at the airport?"


Not sure what you mean exactly about that line. To me on-the-nose dialogue means something that the characters wouldn't say in that situation, and is included for the benefit of the reader or to convey information. I don't see how that applies to the line above, as it is her asking him a question that realistically a girl might ask in real life.

Cheers,
Tim.
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Trojan
Posted: July 16th, 2009, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Astrid
I thought this was well written, but I do think the dialogue lacked those little awkward moments, cute ones, when two ppl, especially if they are attracted to each other, sometimes have. It all just flows so easily. Maybe too easily?

I did enjoyed reading it. It wasn't work... so points for that!


Thanks for your comments Astrid. Yeah I know what you are saying about the awkward pauses etc. That's one of the issues I sometimes have with dialogue. On one hand I see a lot of advice to screenwriters indicating they should make dialogue flow smoothly and not have all the pauses and 'fluff' so to speak, that you get in everyday conversation. Then others will say that good dialogue involves making it realistic and including all the umms and uhhs and whatnot.

But I think it's a good point you make, I would be interested to see what other people think about this issue.

Cheers,
Tim.
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Trojan
Posted: July 16th, 2009, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe
This was an enjoyable read, Tim, something that I could see picked up by a filmmaker, if not for the problems that may be faced in filming in an airport.

When I first started reading, I picked up on the Red Riding Hood simularities.  I'm glad you didn't go over the top with it.  It made for a better and more believeable story.


Thanks Phil, appreciate your comments. I had some interest from a production company but due to a few logistical issues it didn't pan out.

Cheers,
Tim.

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Grandma Bear
Posted: July 16th, 2009, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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Tim,

this was an easy read. Very well written. Was this by any chance an entry at MP's Grimm month?  If so, it didn't work that well for that assignment. If not then it was pretty good.

If this was for MP I think it would have worked better if Andrew would not have mentioned Little Red Riding Hood as it was pretty obvious by itself.

If it was not for MP then it was kind of cute of Andrew. Am I confusing you yet?  

Anyway, I think you did well with this. It was cute. Kind of low key. Would work well as a beginning of a longer script.

Pia


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Trojan
Posted: July 16th, 2009, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia, thanks for the read.

No it was nothing to do with MP but I can see how you might think that. I signed up at MP just recently and noticed the Grimm competition. I'm working on an entry for this month's comp though.

Anyway thanks for your comments, appreciate it.

Cheers,
Tim.
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lalaindahouse
Posted: July 24th, 2009, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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I thought it was a very pleasant read!
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Ophelia
Posted: August 9th, 2009, 3:10am Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with most of the others, very easy to read, enjoyable and a bit empty.  About the best result possible from a forced writing exercise I guess.  The dialogue was pretty fun and witty, (possibly too witty to be very realistic).  The girl definately gave in a little gave in a bit easy for these modern ages, (when was the last time we believed someone who says they've never hit on anyone like that?)  but hey, it was a fairy tail.  would be interested in reading any of your longer pieces to see how your writing works with a real story.


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montypython
Posted: July 8th, 2011, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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I love short pieces like this.  Charming and digestible.  But I don't feel like Kate comes across as skeptical.

If her flight was going to be delayed, how come it was ready to go 10 minutes later?  There are some definite time contiuum issues to be resolved.

Having spent a lot of time in airports, I have found that the best scenarios for making friends is when two people have something in common and then have a mutual obstacle thrown at them.  Two different flights being delayed would create a different set-up than their same flight being delayed.

And a geek-chic guy picking up a girl in an airport out of the blue seems a bit creepy.  if he had some role with a "wolf" character, then it would justify his forwardness.  And Kate isn't suspicious of him?  I find it hard that an attractive girl would be oblivious to the constant threat of creepers stalking her.  Why doesn't she question his motives?

I still love this piece.  It has the classic tone of a rom-com, which, in my opinion, is not a bad thing.  You didn't intend to write much for it, but it could be expanded to an excellent short film, especially given your grasp of natural dialogue.  It flows, but there are a few psychological stumpers that, if addressed, would streamline your story even better.

Great work!
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: July 8th, 2011, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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Clever but not self indulgent, breezy and a fairly easy shoot.
No complaints, easy read.
May want to add some "LATERs" in there to space out flight stuff.
It felt a bit jarring at times, perhaps this was a five page contest entry?
Have you shot this yet? I'd be surprised if you haven't.

Regards,
E.D.


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TheSecond
Posted: July 8th, 2011, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Tim, this was a nice read, and for a quick writing exercise, shows a high level of aptitude.  The one thing I almost never see on SS is comments pertaining to structure.  (even shorts need structure)

Your structure in this piece is near flawless, and that in my opinion is why it works, and why so many enjoyed reading it.  Romance requires a few standard building blocks, all of which you have hit on.

1. Pursuit - Red riding hood.
2. Additional goal or pursuit outside of love - catch a flight.
3. Characters don't like their current dilemma - delayed flights.
4. Sexiness - flipping the coin, catching the coin.
5. Happy Ending!

About the only standard item missing is 'deception' of some sorts, ala, the protag was lying, he actually is the pilot of her flight, or works as a shoeshine guy or something to that effect.

Well done sir.  
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