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Don
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Delayed by Tim Ratcliffe (trojan) - Short - A young woman gets more than she bargained for after her flight is delayed. 5 pages - pdf, format


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rjbelair
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Hi Tim,

Cute story, but lacking in drama and conflict.  Andy had the goal of picking up Kate, but Kate didn't have any particular need, problem, or goal (aside from a delayed flight - a problem that solved itself within a few minutes).  Andy isn't facing any particular obstacle, Kate seems quite interested in being picked up.  So, yeah, it ends up being a nice little meet-up, but there's no real juice.  With the Little Red Riding Hood allusions I was expecting a twist where Andy ended up being a big bad wolf (especially with the all the sinister coin flipping - a classic bad guy affectation), but it was all fluffy and innocent.

I did like that the coin came up tails and she went anyway, good visual character moment there.  Also, when she gave him 5 minutes to wow her, it ended up being more like 30 seconds.  Might want to tweak that bit.

It was well written, and the dialogue flowed nicely.  I did notice a few typos (hands for heads at the bottom of 2, and face for fate on page 3), but otherwise format and style were great.

Good luck!



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Trojan
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Thanks Don for getting this up. This short is the result of a writing exercise I was given to show a flirtatious first meeting between two characters. Genre was supposed to be like a romance so it's a little on the cheesy side. Any and all comments are appreciated.

Cheers,
Tim.
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Silva Sly
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Tim

Very nice piece of romance you have written...Andy's character is very engaging, and I was very drawn to each piece of dialogue he delivered...had me very curious as to whether his method of picking up a girl could work on Kate. He has nice witty humor that pours out without even trying...it seems to be part of his character.

The story itself is effective...at least in the exercise assignment that you had to do...I like it alot, because not only does it play out as romance, but if you wanted to, you could play it out as a thriller...coz as I was drawn into his analogy of the "Red Riding Hood" story, I too had almost though that HE was the wolf in question.

It seems to me that Kate's character needs more work...maybe I was a tad disappointed that she seemed really easy...in terms of being picked up by a total stranger. Maybe a couple more run-ins between the both of them in the airport, where the conversation about odds of meeting up again and fate could've given this piece a more cat-and-mouse feel to it.

But regardless, I enjoyed it thoroughly. You have great taste in dialogue that I could ever hope for...keep up the good work.

-Silva-
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jayrex
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Tim,

Cute story.  I wasn't sure where we were going with this and I liked how it ended.  I liked the fairytale idea and the coin idea.  It was a pleasant read.  No complaints.

All the best,


Javier


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Tommyp
Posted: June 21st, 2009, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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Right Tim, another piece of shit script from you that my mum has forced me to read. It's worse than torture I tell ya - Okay, a bit far there. You know I like your shorts ... your jeans are good too. Boom!

Okay, my review as I read:

- First paragraph, "people" should be in capitals. I would be more specific though, instead of just saying what they are doing. Maybe something like:

"A FAMILY rush to catch a flight, a COUPLE greet eachother, another FAMILY drag their luggage as they scuttle towards a terminal."

That kind of thing.

- "Amidst this manic chaos, a single girl is noticeable for her stillness. This is KATE, 18, attractive, wearing a red-hooded jumper."

Interesting. I would have written, "KATE, 18, attractive, wearing a red-hooded jumper, stands as people frantically rush around her."

It's down to style though, to a point. Simple is better. I'm not gonna comment on how I would write certain lines for the rest of this script, but if you want me to after you have read this review, just say and I will go through it again.

- Why is it amatuer to be waiting for an hour instead of all day? Doesn't make sense.

- "Oh really, so you still believe in ‘happily ever after’ do you?"

I think it's too early in the interaction for her to start asking questions. He can ask as many as he wants, because he's the cool, confident guy who started the conversation, and I really don't think she would ask something like that after a small amount of them talking.

- 'It’s clear he is performing a quick set of calculations." cut it out I say.

- Nice touch with the hair touching.

- "Your five minutes is up." But that was about 30 seconds...

Okay finished it. Great dialogue, the best you have done I would say. Flowed well, and the ending was good. Could have been better though, the ending, with a bit of tweaking. I like what happens, just the wording and timing isn't 100%. I don't know what to suggest, sorry, but it just doesn't feel right.

Don't really know what else to say man. Fun, quick read with good writing, like the rest of your shorts.

Another success. Well done.


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michel
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Tim,

I haven’t read the other reviews, so forgive me if I seem redundant.

Nice story, well tell, good dialogues, but too short. I was expecting more on the end.
One thing bothered me too : you describe Andrews as a geek and kate attractive. There should more suspicion in Kate before she could accept Andrew’s theory about fate.

Come on Tim, I’me sure you could do better. You have a good matter, but it seems uncomplete to me.

Michel


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colkurtz8
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Tim

I thought you done a good job with this. Superb opening page, really fluent and readable. Some stylish camera work could be played around with in the opening sequence, the image of statuesque girl in red staring at flights board is an attention grabbing shot.

I like your writing style, very slick. You have a reassured command of dialogue, it flowed easily and was above all believable. You got some cool chararcters in Kate and Andrew.

I wouldn't normally go for these fluffy stories but I took to this. I was kinda hoping she would catch her flight the first time around when the coin showed up tails as its not what the audience would expect. However I must admit it went from strength to strength when they were in the cafe.

This is primarily down to the sharp exchanges between the two, kept me interested how you carefully paced the conversation with Kate slowly but surely getting won over. You avoided the cheese factor too which I must applaud as its something which these type of stories descend into all too often...not the case here.

One thing I would change is the linking of arms at the end, too cuddly. They are still strangers after all and on the basis of the previous four pages is not something I don't think either would do, certainly not Kate a.k.a Cynical princess. It betrays her strong character up to that point.

Fine job, Tim, wonderful repetoire between the two leads. I'd love to see this on screen.

Cheers

Col.


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Andrew
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Tim,

I see that you've tightened up your writing, and this is to great effect.

I like it even more when I see my name in it!

The characters are great, and the dialogue between them flowed nicely. The only real complaint I have is that it maybe ends too soon. That is owing to the way you've written something that demands further attention. However, while there is self-contained story evident here, it lacks - as Ray alludes to - the important conflict or glue that will leave us caring deeply. The good news is that this is easily fixable by writing something longer.

There were some nice visual moments, and the coin was a nice tactic in developing the clear curiousity that Kate feels in this charming guy. It also reminds me of when I can't make a decision, and I flip a coin, when it comes down on one side, I can usually tell what I truly wanted by the relief or disappointment felt. That's probably why I can relate to this element of the story.

Ultimately this script requires an explanation as to why Kate can just ditch her flight - for example - for a later one to shift the story from cute 5-pager to something more substantial. Developing the characters, and creating an engaging plot would allow you to capitalise on a great opening.

Do you plan to lengthen it?

Andrew


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Trojan
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Thanks for all the replies and feedback everyone, I appreciate it.

It seems most of the comments are of a similar nature so I won't reply individually to everyone. The main issues are that there is not enough story, it ends too quickly and the ending is a bit too convenient and rushed. I'd agree with all of you on those points and I think it comes as a result of what I was trying to achieve with this piece.

As I mentioned above it was an exercise I was given to show a flirtatious first meeting between two people, and to mainly focus on the dialogue. It was only supposed to be a page or two with a few lines of conversation, and I just sort of added the story to give some context to the dialogue. But then I kind of got carried away with it and ended up with a few extra pages and wanting to give it a sense of completion with a happy ending. So I think the problem is that it's more of a scene than a complete story, so the ending probably feels a bit forced because it is missing a whole heap of things that would normally occur before the characters end up as they do.

I didn't really know how to end it in a realistic way that at the same time gave a sense that the story was finished and ended on a happy note. In real life it's unlikely that two people would end up like this after such a short amount of time so I think that is one of the main problems with it.

Besides the ending and lack of conflict, the overall reactions were pretty positive so I'll take something from that. And thanks to everyone who commented that they enjoyed the dialogue, as that was my main focal point when given the exercise.

Cheers,
Tim.
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alffy
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Hey Tim

This was a nice little read but I have a few questions;

Kate doesn't work well for me, she accepts Andrews advances too quickly for me.  A complete stranger starts a conversation about fate, wouldn't you be a bit more wary of them?  Perhaps if they knew each other, maybe from way back, this would be a little more believable.

I did like Andrew's character though.  His dialogue was first rate and he was pretty well developed for a small piece.

Your writing was strong and I have no complaints about that either.  I enjoyed it but Kate's character just niggled me.  Overall, a nice read.


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Trojan
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Alffy, thanks for the comments mate.

With Kate accepting his advances too quickly, I tried to cover the issues with this in my post above. Ultimately I was trying to write a story that has two people getting together in as few pages as possible. Without making the story more in-depth and adding many more pages I think it's tough to make it seem realistic while also having a beginning, middle and a happy ending.

I tried to give the impression of Kate not being won over so easily, for example in how she comes across to Andrew as cynical. When he talks about fate I have her reacting sceptically, but it makes some sort of an impact on her as she decides to go back over and give him a chance. Your point is definitely valid, and I think that perhaps what I was trying to achieve is too ambitious for a story this short.

Cheers,
Tim.
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harrietb
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I really liked the dialogue and the characters and found this very well written and a great read. Just one niggle though - It was Kate's decison to wait for the next flight so one might say she flew in the face of fate (no pun intended) leaving poor Grandma alone, waiting for her to visit. You raised expectations of something s little more sinister with the Red Riding Hood story so just thought something darker was needed at the end, perhaps something like Andrew texting "Wolf" now that he managed to sidetrack Kate.


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alffy
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Quoted from Trojan
With Kate accepting his advances too quickly, I tried to cover the issues with this in my post above.


Sorry mate, sometimes I don't read the other comments so I can give an unbiased opinion.  Now that I've read over your comments, it's become a bit clearer as to what you were trying to achieve and for that you did a good job.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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grademan
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This is my first read of one of your scripts. I am impressed. I am trying to get my dialogue up to snap and I appreciate short pieces like this for inspiration.

Gary  
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Trojan
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Quoted from grademan
This is my first read of one of your scripts. I am impressed. I am trying to get my dialogue up to snap and I appreciate short pieces like this for inspiration.


Thanks Gary, glad you were able to get something useful out of it. Let me know if you have any work posted on here, I'd be happy to give it a read.

Cheers,
Tim.

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JamminGirl
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Hi Tim,
For some reason I thought I responded to this script days ago. Obviously I had responded in thought only.
So I reread for a fresher perspective.
First question: why do you use "a beat" in parenthetical? It doesn't mean anything. Why didn't you describe his pause in an action line instead?

About the character Andrew, I'm not very keen on him. He is so indirect, hoping to impress a girl by being all nerdy. Why didn't he simply let her know he found her attractive and would like her to join him for a bite.
Atleast then she might put up a "fight"(well... I might miss my flight...) and he could charm her.
Instead, he's kind of a coward, leaving the ball completely in her court. Why does she go there?( because up until the cafe scene, he didn't flirt with her in a way that said he was interested)  Maybe all the guys she may have met are equally afraid to approach women so she decides to be the "man"...? He's playing coy and she makes the decision. I mean she's 18 and he's 25 for crying out loud.

Also, I thought the fairytale reference was a setup for something more ominous.

Nicely written, btw.


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jwent6688
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Hey Tim, Thought this was a good read. Very witty dialogue. Almost too witty. I felt like he was more of antag. felt like he was luring her into something, not just hitting on her. Good work though, James


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Trojan
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Quoted from JamminGirl
Hi Tim,
For some reason I thought I responded to this script days ago. Obviously I had responded in thought only. So I reread for a fresher perspective.


Thanks for the read, I'll try my best to address your points.


Quoted Text
First question: why do you use "a beat" in parenthetical? It doesn't mean anything. Why didn't you describe his pause in an action line instead?


It's perfectly acceptable to indicate a beat in parenthicals, and I'm not a fan of breaking up the dialogue too much to write unnecessary action lines. It takes up more space to write it as action and ultimately it would be seen on the screen the same way, so what is the point? The way I have written it is simply to indicate to the actor to pause for effect.


Quoted Text
About the character Andrew, I'm not very keen on him. He is so indirect, hoping to impress a girl by being all nerdy. Why didn't he simply let her know he found her attractive and would like her to join him for a bite.


I'm not sure what you mean about him being all nerdy, I don't think that's how he came across to most people. As for him being indirect, well it might be a bit full-on to approach a stranger so directly in an airport. He is simply starting a conversation with her and giving her a chance to respond, it puts less pressure on her that way. Sure he could have gone direct and said he found her attractive. Why didn't he? Well that's his character, you could ask why does anyone do anything. Not everyone is going to approach the same situation in the same way.


Quoted Text
Atleast then she might put up a "fight"(well... I might miss my flight...) and he could charm her.


If he does that she has the option to say yes or no. He has laid all his cards on the table and there is less tension in the scene as it doesn't have the opportunity to build to a peak as much. If he begins by asking her to join him for a bite to eat and she says no, the rest of the scene is simply him trying to change her mind or begging her, and I don't believe would work as well.


Quoted Text
Instead, he's kind of a coward, leaving the ball completely in her court.


How is he a coward? A coward wouldn't approach her in the first place. And no matter what he does, the ball is always in her court. If he approaches and states his intent from the beginning the ball is still in her court. She has the power to say yes or no, no matter what. The ball is always in the woman's court.

Also from a character perspective, she is the protagonist in the story so I wanted her to have to make a decision to join him or not. If he dictates everything that happens, she becomes a passive character that everything happens to. Instead I wanted to have her driving the story forward by being put into a situation where she had to make a decision, and thus, reveal character.


Quoted Text
Why does she go there?( because up until the cafe scene, he didn't flirt with her in a way that said he was interested)
  

I'm not sure how you could read it and not tell that he was flirting with her in a way that says he was interested. Just becaue he didn't say the words 'I like you' doesn't mean he didn't tell her he liked her. Sometimes things are better said with subtext, innuendo and subtlety. Why does she go there? Because she was intrigued by him and wanted to give him a chance.


Quoted Text
Maybe all the guys she may have met are equally afraid to approach women so she decides to be the "man"...? He's playing coy and she makes the decision. I mean she's 18 and he's 25 for crying out loud.


Do you get the impression he is afraid to approach her? I think most people would not approach a stranger in an airport like that, so IMO it shows that he at least has guts to approach her and flirt with her like that.

Also for what it's worth, I received a couple of e-mails from women saying they wish a guy like that would approach them in the airport and another that loved his confidence and cheekiness. So it comes down to personal taste. While maybe you didn't like the way he did things, other women wished they could meet a guy just like him. I think it's a case perhaps of you not seeing the subtlety or reading between the lines. Sometimes on screen it is boring if characters say exactly what they mean and instead it is preferable to find other ways to imply what is happening.


Quoted Text
Also, I thought the fairytale reference was a setup for something more ominous.


I did consider that, but it would take more pages for all that to play out and I wanted to keep it as short as possible.


Quoted Text
Nicely written, btw.


Thanks, and I appreciate the read and the comments.

Cheers,
Tim.

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JamminGirl
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A beat in parenthetical is acceptable to whom? If it's unneccesary as you say, why write it? The word, 'a beat' is not something the actor can act.
Recently at a writer's meetup, an amateur writer was having his script read be actors(what do they call that, 'cold reading'?) and the moderator, a producer/director, commented at the end how 'lazy' it was to write the word 'beat' in the script. I tend to agree. To me, beats mean emotive actions, that changes the tone or direction of the scene/story. If a character hesitates, I'd put that in the action line or parenthetical.

You were going for subtext with Andrew, I get that, but I don't think being direct means being 'on the nose'. He played with a coin showing how well he knows mathematical probability, spoke about delays and fairytales then expects her to join him after.
Yes it's her choice, but it would've been stronger IMO if he flirted with her directly. Then she might have played coy or resist due to her flight, and we get a bit of conflict.

I gotto say Tim, it's funny how women wished that men would approach them, even as badly as I thought this character did. It says alot about how timid men in some countries/cultures are...
anyways, do your thing!


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Trojan
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Quoted from JamminGirl
A beat in parenthetical is acceptable to whom?


I mean it is accepted as industry standard, there is nothing wrong with it format-wise.


Quoted Text
If it's unneccesary as you say, why write it? The word, 'a beat' is not something the actor can act.


I didn't say it was unneccesary, I said it isn't needed in an action line. It is an indcation to the actor as to how the line should be said. It means to pause for a second before replying, so I think it is something they can act.


Quoted Text
Recently at a writer's meetup, an amateur writer was having his script read be actors(what do they call that, 'cold reading'?) and the moderator, a producer/director, commented at the end how 'lazy' it was to write the word 'beat' in the script. I tend to agree. To me, beats mean emotive actions, that changes the tone or direction of the scene/story. If a character hesitates, I'd put that in the action line or parenthetical.


Ok you are talking about story beats, which is something entirely different. A BEAT, simply means a pause, and is what is used as industry standard. You say if a character hesistates to write it in parenthicals, well this is what I did. Only instead of the word hesitate or pause, I used beat, which is standard. Also hesitate has connotations relating to being unsure or lacking confidence so I didn't use that word.


Quoted Text
You were going for subtext with Andrew, I get that, but I don't think being direct means being 'on the nose'.


Yeah I agree. The reasons I gave are that it doesn't give the scene the chance to build momentum the same way. If he is indirect the audience can anticipate the point where he makes a move, or if he makes a move, or a number of different scenarios. If he is direct then you already know where he stands and what he wants and instead of the scene having the chance to build up to a peak, it would be more level all the way through.


Quoted Text
He played with a coin showing how well he knows mathematical probability, spoke about delays and fairytales then expects her to join him after.


He spoke about delays because they were both delayed for their flights, so that seems fairly normal to do. It's talking about something that is happening in the environment, what's wrong with that? The fairytale came up because he was teasing/joking/flirting with her and she mentioned fairytales. The coin he was playing with already, as someone might do if they were bored and had nothing to do.


Quoted Text
Yes it's her choice, but it would've been stronger IMO if he flirted with her directly. Then she might have played coy or resist due to her flight, and we get a bit of conflict.


Yeah I already talked about this. He goes direct, she can say yes or no. If she says yes, there is no story. If she says no, he has to try to change her mind. Then she is back in the position of being able to say yes or no. It is a continual loop. So the audience already knows where he stands and a lot of the tension woul be drained from the scene. As it is she is already being a bit coy, and the conflict already exists in her having a flight to catch and whether she will choose the flight or him. So him going direct doesn't change that fact. She still has the same choice to make and the conflict is the same.

I think also there is a difference between flirting with someone and hitting on them. If he goes in directly like you say, it's more a case of hitting on her straight up. Not all women like that. Flirting is more subtle and generally shows someone you are interested without having to come out and say it in so many words. I know a lot of women who wish guys would stop hitting on them and start flirting with them.


Quoted Text
I gotto say Tim, it's funny how women wished that men would approach them, even as badly as I thought this character did. It says alot about how timid men in some countries/cultures are...


Actually it could be the opposite, as a lot of attractive women get approached by guys who are too agressive and blunt and women get tired of it. Plenty of women get approached directly by plenty of guys, so they are not going to go out on a date or give their number to all of them. Sometimes women want a guy to approach them in a low-key way that takes the pressure off and gives them the opportunity to get to know the guy before he starts hitting on her. Perhaps they also want a guy who will take the time to talk to her as a person as well so she feels like he wants to get to know her and not just wants her for her looks.

Cheers,
Tim.


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jackx
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Hey just read your script, thought is was pretty cute.  Seems like other comments pretty much covered any criticisms I would have had.  As far as the math thing, I'm not sure if he's implying that the coin was likely to land on heads since it had a buncha times in a row.  even if a coin lands on heads 50 times, the next flip is still 50/50 between the two.  but if he was just referencing coincidence/fate, then it makes sense.  
also in terms of hitting on/flirting with I dont think the difference is how direct you are, I think its the amount of respect.  you can directly ask a girl out in a flirtacious way.  to me hitting on is when youre clear you want sex.  i think your character is firmly in the flirting realm just because of his adherence to romanticism, plus he puts the ball in her court.  of course thats coming from a guys perspective so who knows.
anyways thats about all I have, nice dialogue, fun read.


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            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 25th, 2009, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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Plain and simple and I feel like I've seen this before. It lacks a solid hook. Could be an intro to something more, but this intro doesn't foretell what that could be.
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LC
Posted: June 25th, 2009, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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Tim, I liked this. The dialogue reads smoothly - the images are evoked well and I think you succeeded in fulfilling the "exercise". The only thing I query is Andrew's description "geek chic" - maybe just describe him as being a good looking guy - cause at the moment the "geek" part sticks out and might be at odds with Kate being so quick to be "smitten" with Andrew and delay her plans to visit Granny.

As for the (beat) or (pause) I agree it is legit. I used to use it a lot until I realised it's become a bit passe. Seems fashions come and go in script formatting too.


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stevie
Posted: June 25th, 2009, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Tim. Read this and the comments. The writing was crisp and fluent, the characters easily identifiable. I didn't have a prob with any resolution or climax - you left it open for any interpretaion or further length.
It was good too, how this could've taken place in any English speaking airport in the world.  good job.


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Trojan
Posted: June 26th, 2009, 1:41am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jackx
Hey just read your script, thought is was pretty cute.  Seems like other comments pretty much covered any criticisms I would have had.  As far as the math thing, I'm not sure if he's implying that the coin was likely to land on heads since it had a buncha times in a row.  even if a coin lands on heads 50 times, the next flip is still 50/50 between the two.  but if he was just referencing coincidence/fate, then it makes sense.


Yeah you are right, and the latter is what was meant.


Quoted Text
also in terms of hitting on/flirting with I dont think the difference is how direct you are, I think its the amount of respect.  you can directly ask a girl out in a flirtacious way.  to me hitting on is when youre clear you want sex.  i think your character is firmly in the flirting realm just because of his adherence to romanticism, plus he puts the ball in her court.  of course thats coming from a guys perspective so who knows.


I think we're more or less on the same page with this. What I was getting at is that you can flirt with someone and not necessarily have any intentions of taking it anywhere. Like when you are out shopping you might flirt with the cashier but that doesn't mean you are going to ask them out. But if you go straight up and tell them you like them and ask them out, you are basically hitting on them. That's where I make the distinction. The point I was trying to make with JamminGirl is that by flirting innocently it provides more room to move and has the opportunity to escalate in tension. By hitting on her straight up, it already starts with him asking her out and misses the opportunity to work up to that point.


Quoted Text
anyways thats about all I have, nice dialogue, fun read.


Thanks for the read Jack, I appreciate your comments.

Cheers,
Tim.

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Trojan
Posted: June 26th, 2009, 1:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Tim, I liked this. The dialogue reads smoothly - the images are evoked well and I think you succeeded in fulfilling the "exercise". The only thing I query is Andrew's description "geek chic" - maybe just describe him as being a good looking guy - cause at the moment the "geek" part sticks out and might be at odds with Kate being so quick to be "smitten" with Andrew and delay her plans to visit Granny.


Ok that might be something I need to change if that's how it comes across. By geek chic I meant that he was well dressed in that artsy/indie sort of way that is trendy these days, not that he was actually a real geek. I might need to make that clearer. I didn't just write good looking because it is used a lot and doesn't really convey the character since good looking can mean so many different things. But I will look at making it clearer if I do a rewrite.


Quoted Text
As for the (beat) or (pause) I agree it is legit. I used to use it a lot until I realised it's become a bit passe. Seems fashions come and go in script formatting too.


Yeah I think it's like everything, if you overuse it then it might be a problem. Some people might debate it's place nowadays but it is still used in current scripts and by top writers so I don't see a problem with it. If it conveys as simply as possible what I'm intending to say then I'm all for it.

Anyway thanks for the read and taking the time to comment. Appreciate it.

Cheers,
Tim.
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Trojan
Posted: June 26th, 2009, 2:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Hi Tim. Read this and the comments. The writing was crisp and fluent, the characters easily identifiable. I didn't have a prob with any resolution or climax - you left it open for any interpretaion or further length.
It was good too, how this could've taken place in any English speaking airport in the world.  good job.


Stevie, thanks for the read mate. Glad you liked it.

Yeah I know a lot of people from all over the world who have met their partners at an airport or on the actual plane...why is it I always seem to get stuck next to the fat guy and the crying baby?  

Cheers,
Tim.
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bryan00009
Posted: July 15th, 2009, 12:36am Report to Moderator
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Well written, but the best adjective I can think of is -- trivial.  A five page writing exercise about a corny meet-cute at the airport?  As others have noted, it doesn't go anywhere.
  The dialogue is at times forced or on-the-nose: "Do you always hit on girls like this at the airport?"  Still, with a little philosophy or back-story or reasons that these two might actually be together, this could have been an interesting diversion.


"It's just a rehash of something that wasn't very good to begin with.  I found it flat and trite..."  Sunset Boulevard (1950).
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Astrid
Posted: July 15th, 2009, 2:32am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was well written, but I do think the dialogue lacked those little awkward moments, cute ones, when two ppl, especially if they are attracted to each other, sometimes have. It all just flows so easily. Maybe too easily?

I did enjoyed reading it. It wasn't work... so points for that!
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dogglebe
Posted: July 15th, 2009, 4:52am Report to Moderator
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This was an enjoyable read, Tim, something that I could see picked up by a filmmaker, if not for the problems that may be faced in filming in an airport.

When I first started reading, I picked up on the Red Riding Hood simularities.  I'm glad you didn't go over the top with it.  It made for a better and more believeable story.


Phil
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Trojan
Posted: July 16th, 2009, 8:12am Report to Moderator
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Bryan, thanks for the read mate.


Quoted from bryan00009
The dialogue is at times forced or on-the-nose: "Do you always hit on girls like this at the airport?"


Not sure what you mean exactly about that line. To me on-the-nose dialogue means something that the characters wouldn't say in that situation, and is included for the benefit of the reader or to convey information. I don't see how that applies to the line above, as it is her asking him a question that realistically a girl might ask in real life.

Cheers,
Tim.
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Trojan
Posted: July 16th, 2009, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Astrid
I thought this was well written, but I do think the dialogue lacked those little awkward moments, cute ones, when two ppl, especially if they are attracted to each other, sometimes have. It all just flows so easily. Maybe too easily?

I did enjoyed reading it. It wasn't work... so points for that!


Thanks for your comments Astrid. Yeah I know what you are saying about the awkward pauses etc. That's one of the issues I sometimes have with dialogue. On one hand I see a lot of advice to screenwriters indicating they should make dialogue flow smoothly and not have all the pauses and 'fluff' so to speak, that you get in everyday conversation. Then others will say that good dialogue involves making it realistic and including all the umms and uhhs and whatnot.

But I think it's a good point you make, I would be interested to see what other people think about this issue.

Cheers,
Tim.
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Trojan
Posted: July 16th, 2009, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe
This was an enjoyable read, Tim, something that I could see picked up by a filmmaker, if not for the problems that may be faced in filming in an airport.

When I first started reading, I picked up on the Red Riding Hood simularities.  I'm glad you didn't go over the top with it.  It made for a better and more believeable story.


Thanks Phil, appreciate your comments. I had some interest from a production company but due to a few logistical issues it didn't pan out.

Cheers,
Tim.

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Angry Bear
Posted: July 16th, 2009, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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Tim,

this was an easy read. Very well written. Was this by any chance an entry at MP's Grimm month?  If so, it didn't work that well for that assignment. If not then it was pretty good.

If this was for MP I think it would have worked better if Andrew would not have mentioned Little Red Riding Hood as it was pretty obvious by itself.

If it was not for MP then it was kind of cute of Andrew. Am I confusing you yet?  

Anyway, I think you did well with this. It was cute. Kind of low key. Would work well as a beginning of a longer script.

Pia


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Trojan
Posted: July 16th, 2009, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia, thanks for the read.

No it was nothing to do with MP but I can see how you might think that. I signed up at MP just recently and noticed the Grimm competition. I'm working on an entry for this month's comp though.

Anyway thanks for your comments, appreciate it.

Cheers,
Tim.
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lalaindahouse
Posted: July 24th, 2009, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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I thought it was a very pleasant read!
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Ophelia
Posted: August 9th, 2009, 3:10am Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with most of the others, very easy to read, enjoyable and a bit empty.  About the best result possible from a forced writing exercise I guess.  The dialogue was pretty fun and witty, (possibly too witty to be very realistic).  The girl definately gave in a little gave in a bit easy for these modern ages, (when was the last time we believed someone who says they've never hit on anyone like that?)  but hey, it was a fairy tail.  would be interested in reading any of your longer pieces to see how your writing works with a real story.


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montypython
Posted: July 8th, 2011, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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I love short pieces like this.  Charming and digestible.  But I don't feel like Kate comes across as skeptical.

If her flight was going to be delayed, how come it was ready to go 10 minutes later?  There are some definite time contiuum issues to be resolved.

Having spent a lot of time in airports, I have found that the best scenarios for making friends is when two people have something in common and then have a mutual obstacle thrown at them.  Two different flights being delayed would create a different set-up than their same flight being delayed.

And a geek-chic guy picking up a girl in an airport out of the blue seems a bit creepy.  if he had some role with a "wolf" character, then it would justify his forwardness.  And Kate isn't suspicious of him?  I find it hard that an attractive girl would be oblivious to the constant threat of creepers stalking her.  Why doesn't she question his motives?

I still love this piece.  It has the classic tone of a rom-com, which, in my opinion, is not a bad thing.  You didn't intend to write much for it, but it could be expanded to an excellent short film, especially given your grasp of natural dialogue.  It flows, but there are a few psychological stumpers that, if addressed, would streamline your story even better.

Great work!
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: July 8th, 2011, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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Clever but not self indulgent, breezy and a fairly easy shoot.
No complaints, easy read.
May want to add some "LATERs" in there to space out flight stuff.
It felt a bit jarring at times, perhaps this was a five page contest entry?
Have you shot this yet? I'd be surprised if you haven't.

Regards,
E.D.


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TheSecond
Posted: July 8th, 2011, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Tim, this was a nice read, and for a quick writing exercise, shows a high level of aptitude.  The one thing I almost never see on SS is comments pertaining to structure.  (even shorts need structure)

Your structure in this piece is near flawless, and that in my opinion is why it works, and why so many enjoyed reading it.  Romance requires a few standard building blocks, all of which you have hit on.

1. Pursuit - Red riding hood.
2. Additional goal or pursuit outside of love - catch a flight.
3. Characters don't like their current dilemma - delayed flights.
4. Sexiness - flipping the coin, catching the coin.
5. Happy Ending!

About the only standard item missing is 'deception' of some sorts, ala, the protag was lying, he actually is the pilot of her flight, or works as a shoeshine guy or something to that effect.

Well done sir.  
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