All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Seems like you could expand the "love" scene and have yourself a full fledged porno, actors and all.
Thought I'd give this a read, just taking notes as I go along.
We don't need to read 'We See' due it being a normal script unless its a shooting script and you're the director, usually it's a big NO - NO due to it looking amateurish and maybe pissing the potential Director off who may want a different shot.
Instead of CONTINUED, Try FRONT DOOR maybe? since we know we're inside.
Put the Continued next to MARTINA's name like this (CONT'D) instead of underneath, thats the way I think it's usually formatted (I use Final Draft which does it automatically).
I dont think the parenthetical is needed with 'sounding worried' since I get the impression straight away off the dialogue.
When they enter the living room, you could have a slug LIVING ROOM, Just to make it flow nice, and show us where we are now.
The Policeman asking 'have you been drinking' I'm sure he would notice after she downed a big glass of wine.
Again, BEDROOM in the slugline would fit nicely when they go upstairs.
Haha, the twist at the end was good, I almost was expecting her to have killed the Policeman and be a murderer. I guess that's my brain for ya LOL good short, definitly could of been a Porno IF it was more graphic! haha
I really enjoyed this, man. Totally had me going, fantastic twist. Obviously Maria's immediate reaction to the news of her husband's death was a little suspect to say the least as was her subsequent designs on making with the cop, but even so I never saw the end coming, brilliant.
I see its based on "Brass Eye" which I've heard a lot of positve things about but haven't actually seen any of it yet. I'm curious to know how much of this is from the show and how much is from your own mind? Either way, this was an excellent little short, I must say.
Some of your formatting mistakes are pointed out above and you'd do well to take heed of them. Thankfully they're all easily fixed and will become second nature over time. Other than those small technical issues, I thought this was well written, if you are a first time writer, you can take a lot from this. It was paced, structured and unveiled perfectly for the reader.
It made me smile, and was a tale for 'Jeremy Kyle' watchers the United Kingdom over!
Personally, I saw the 'twist' coming a mile off. The reason being that you made it fairly obvious with this:
To be perfectly frank, Marie, our sex life has gone off the scale since OLLIE started that new job,
The operative word being 'job'. However, that did not dilute the enjoyment of the piece (bad choice of word, eh) for me. If you are looking to pull a sleight of hand over the reader, then I think you need to veer off the frustrated housewife path 'cos with her discussions, there is only one natural ending. Doing that isn't necessary, IMO.
This is a great and enjoyable little short as it stands.
There's an error on the first page "Martina is sat in the armchair."
Also there needs to be some descriptions of Martina in here,
Someone has stated not to use (Cont'd) od CONTINUED in a spec script, you shouldn't unless the program you are using automatically does this for you and you have no way of disbeling it. Same for the "beats" They are too passive and colourless. Spice up the drama by replacing "BEAT" with a wryly. For example
POLICEMAN Can I come inside for a moment Mrs. Turner (softly) It's your husband.
I like how this story turned out in the end. Even though I had an idea it will end the way it did when Martina started warming up to the officer, I enjoyed it.
"Martha is sat in the armchair" is not a phrase I use myself but have read several scripts from people based in the north of England and so it didn't seem odd. However, I would write Martha is sitting in the armchair.
I liked the script but also guessed the twist because of the conversation the wife had with Martina. It was still very good though. My only suggestion is that the police officer be more aloof and stern. For example, I don;t think that a policeman would immediately sit down beside her, and some of the dialogue could be tweaked, Good job on the script and nice read, Craig.
Everyone above has given you some good pointers. I would add for the last scene, Marie should have an (O.S.) each time she speaks next to her name, and not simply 'on telephone' for the first line of dialogue.
I liked that feeling where the husband has just died and the wife started to get it on with the policeman. That's just wrong. I wouldn't have the policeman take her hand either as the policeman shouldn't get so close.