SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 7:41am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Emergency Service Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 17 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Emergency Service  (currently 6024 views)
Don
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 9:08am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Emergency Service by Craig Cooper - Short, Comedy - Martina's reaction to news of her husband's death is very surprising. 12 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 8th, 2010, 8:24pm
revised script
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Ledbetter
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 10:28am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey Craig,
Neat script. Quick read. A few basic formatting issues. These are the very ones that have been told to me because I am a new writer here as well.

First, you don't need (CONTINUED) continued: on a spec script.

Make sure you describe you charectors as well. We don't know anything about Martina.

Less use of parantheticals as well. Maby one or two per script.

We see, or We hear as though we are following the scene should not be used either.
example- We follow as she gets up from the chair.

Instaed- Try Martina gets up from the chair. We still see it.

Basic stuff like that. If this is your first try, GOOD JOB. And keep writing. You seem to have a flair for it.

Shawn.....><
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 57
cloroxmartini
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 11:09am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
803
Posts Per Day
0.14
Seems like you could expand the "love" scene and have yourself a full fledged porno, actors and all.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 57
Muse32
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
New


Aspiring Screen Writer

Location
England, UK
Posts
96
Posts Per Day
0.02

Quoted from cloroxmartini
Seems like you could expand the "love" scene and have yourself a full fledged porno, actors and all.


LMAO!


Thought I'd give this a read, just taking notes as I go along.

We don't need to read 'We See' due it being a normal script unless its a shooting script and you're the director, usually it's a big NO - NO due to it looking amateurish and maybe pissing the potential Director off who may want a different shot.

Instead of CONTINUED, Try FRONT DOOR maybe? since we know we're inside.

Put the Continued next to MARTINA's name like this (CONT'D) instead of underneath, thats the way I think it's usually formatted (I use Final Draft which does it automatically).

I dont think the parenthetical is needed with 'sounding worried' since I get the impression straight away off the dialogue.

When they enter the living room, you could have a slug LIVING ROOM, Just to make it flow nice, and show us where we are now.

The Policeman asking 'have you been drinking' I'm sure he would notice after she downed a big glass of wine.

Again, BEDROOM in the slugline would fit nicely when they go upstairs.

Haha, the twist at the end was good, I almost was expecting her to have killed the Policeman and be a murderer. I guess that's my brain for ya LOL good short, definitly could of been a Porno IF it was more graphic! haha

Easy and very fast read. Good Job!


-- CLICK ON ME TO READ MY SCRIPTS --

Sent to Hell (Short, Horror) FURY (120+ page Feature, Horror) Dead End Street (29 page Short, Horror) March of the Martyr (6 page Short, Drama)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 57
Colkurtz8
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Spoilers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!












Craig

I really enjoyed this, man. Totally had me going, fantastic twist. Obviously Maria's immediate reaction to the news of her husband's death was a little suspect to say the least as was her subsequent designs on making with the cop, but even so I never saw the end coming, brilliant.

I see its based on "Brass Eye" which I've heard a lot of positve things about but haven't actually seen any of it yet. I'm curious to know how much of this is from the show and how much is from your own mind? Either way, this was an excellent little short, I must say.

Some of your formatting mistakes are pointed out above and you'd do well to take heed of them. Thankfully they're all easily fixed and will become second nature over time. Other than those small technical issues, I thought this was well written, if you are a first time writer, you can take a lot from this. It was paced, structured and unveiled perfectly for the reader.

Top job.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 57
Andrew
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1791
Posts Per Day
0.32
Craig,

Interesting little story here.

It made me smile, and was a tale for 'Jeremy Kyle' watchers the United Kingdom over!

Personally, I saw the 'twist' coming a mile off. The reason being that you made it fairly obvious with this:


Quoted Text
To be perfectly frank,
Marie, our sex life has gone off
the scale since OLLIE started that
new job,


The operative word being 'job'. However, that did not dilute the enjoyment of the piece (bad choice of word, eh) for me. If you are looking to pull a sleight of hand over the reader, then I think you need to veer off the frustrated housewife path 'cos with her discussions, there is only one natural ending. Doing that isn't necessary, IMO.

This is a great and enjoyable little short as it stands.

Nice one.

Andrew


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 57
tonkatough
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Australia
Posts
581
Posts Per Day
0.09
Hey I thought the tradesmen rolls up at the house and gets molestered by the horny housewife. Wow porn has gotten very sophisticated in this day and age.

This was well written and a fun read


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 57
Lightfoot
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
London, Ontario
Posts
379
Posts Per Day
0.07

There's an error on the first page "Martina is sat in the armchair."

Also there needs to be some descriptions of Martina in here,

Someone has stated not to use (Cont'd) od CONTINUED in a spec script, you shouldn't unless the program you are using automatically does this for you and you have no way of disbeling it. Same for the "beats" They are too passive and colourless. Spice up the drama by replacing "BEAT" with a wryly. For example

POLICEMAN
Can I come inside for a moment Mrs. Turner
(softly)
It's your husband.

I like how this story turned out in the end. Even though I had an idea it will end the way it did when Martina started warming up to the officer, I enjoyed it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 57
harrietb
Posted: July 13th, 2009, 2:43am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
77
Posts Per Day
0.01
"Martha is sat in the armchair" is not a phrase I use myself but have read several scripts from people based in the north of England and so it didn't seem odd. However,  I would write Martha is sitting in the armchair.

I liked the script but also guessed the twist because of the conversation the wife had with Martina. It was still very good though.
My only suggestion is that the police officer be more aloof and stern. For example, I don;t think that a policeman would immediately sit down beside her, and some of the dialogue could be tweaked, Good job on the script and nice read, Craig.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 57
Kaycee
Posted: July 13th, 2009, 9:40am Report to Moderator
New



Location
London
Posts
32
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi Craig,

I liked this one, a simple plot with a nice twist at the end. While I saw the twist coming I wasn't predicting the police officer to be her husband.

However I think you need to tell us more about Martina. All you've told us is that she's married, that wasn't enough description even for a short.

Besides that nce work.

Kaycee.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 57
Majorgeneral316
Posted: July 13th, 2009, 10:18am Report to Moderator
New



Location
London
Posts
79
Posts Per Day
0.01
Cool,

I haven't read the other threads, so I'll keep it short and I'm sorry if I repeat.

I liked the story and I really liked the reveal at the end.  The dialogue was smooth and the descriptions were fine for me.

Though it would have been better if you actually  described how Martina looked like. And the policeman, as I had make up really how Martina looked like.

Other than good job, it was well worth the read.

Good Job.

MG



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 57
jayrex
Posted: July 13th, 2009, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1420
Posts Per Day
0.22
Where is the elusive Craig?

Anyway, nice idea which was enjoyable throughout.  

Everyone above has given you some good pointers.  I would add for the last scene, Marie should have an (O.S.) each time she speaks next to her name, and not simply 'on telephone' for the first line of dialogue.

I liked that feeling where the husband has just died and the wife started to get it on with the policeman.  That's just wrong.  I wouldn't have the policeman take her hand either as the policeman shouldn't get so close.

Overall, an enjoyable read.

All the best,


Javier


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 57
Muse32
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 5:54am Report to Moderator
New


Aspiring Screen Writer

Location
England, UK
Posts
96
Posts Per Day
0.02

Quoted from Andrew
Craig,

Interesting little story here.

It made me smile, and was a tale for 'Jeremy Kyle' watchers the United Kingdom over!


Good old, Jeremy lol


-- CLICK ON ME TO READ MY SCRIPTS --

Sent to Hell (Short, Horror) FURY (120+ page Feature, Horror) Dead End Street (29 page Short, Horror) March of the Martyr (6 page Short, Drama)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 57
dogglebe
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Pia, you should read this.  It's right up your alley.

This was a cute read.  It's not a profound script, but it was good.  The ending was a pleasant surprise; I was thinking something else entirely.

The amount of woo-woo-wah-wah was fine for the peace,

Enjoyable.



Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 13 - 57
JamminGirl
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto Ont.
Posts
335
Posts Per Day
0.06
Craig, this was nicely written. I like how the police kept things ambiguous. I have a question though; why do you use the word "beats" in parentheticals?


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 57
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006