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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Emergency Service Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 9:08am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Emergency Service by Craig Cooper - Short, Comedy - Martina's reaction to news of her husband's death is very surprising. 12 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 8th, 2010, 8:24pm
revised script
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Ledbetter
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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Hey Craig,
Neat script. Quick read. A few basic formatting issues. These are the very ones that have been told to me because I am a new writer here as well.

First, you don't need (CONTINUED) continued: on a spec script.

Make sure you describe you charectors as well. We don't know anything about Martina.

Less use of parantheticals as well. Maby one or two per script.

We see, or We hear as though we are following the scene should not be used either.
example- We follow as she gets up from the chair.

Instaed- Try Martina gets up from the chair. We still see it.

Basic stuff like that. If this is your first try, GOOD JOB. And keep writing. You seem to have a flair for it.

Shawn.....><
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cloroxmartini
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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Seems like you could expand the "love" scene and have yourself a full fledged porno, actors and all.
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Muse32
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from cloroxmartini
Seems like you could expand the "love" scene and have yourself a full fledged porno, actors and all.


LMAO!


Thought I'd give this a read, just taking notes as I go along.

We don't need to read 'We See' due it being a normal script unless its a shooting script and you're the director, usually it's a big NO - NO due to it looking amateurish and maybe pissing the potential Director off who may want a different shot.

Instead of CONTINUED, Try FRONT DOOR maybe? since we know we're inside.

Put the Continued next to MARTINA's name like this (CONT'D) instead of underneath, thats the way I think it's usually formatted (I use Final Draft which does it automatically).

I dont think the parenthetical is needed with 'sounding worried' since I get the impression straight away off the dialogue.

When they enter the living room, you could have a slug LIVING ROOM, Just to make it flow nice, and show us where we are now.

The Policeman asking 'have you been drinking' I'm sure he would notice after she downed a big glass of wine.

Again, BEDROOM in the slugline would fit nicely when they go upstairs.

Haha, the twist at the end was good, I almost was expecting her to have killed the Policeman and be a murderer. I guess that's my brain for ya LOL good short, definitly could of been a Porno IF it was more graphic! haha

Easy and very fast read. Good Job!


-- CLICK ON ME TO READ MY SCRIPTS --

Sent to Hell (Short, Horror) FURY (120+ page Feature, Horror) Dead End Street (29 page Short, Horror) March of the Martyr (6 page Short, Drama)
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colkurtz8
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Spoilers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!












Craig

I really enjoyed this, man. Totally had me going, fantastic twist. Obviously Maria's immediate reaction to the news of her husband's death was a little suspect to say the least as was her subsequent designs on making with the cop, but even so I never saw the end coming, brilliant.

I see its based on "Brass Eye" which I've heard a lot of positve things about but haven't actually seen any of it yet. I'm curious to know how much of this is from the show and how much is from your own mind? Either way, this was an excellent little short, I must say.

Some of your formatting mistakes are pointed out above and you'd do well to take heed of them. Thankfully they're all easily fixed and will become second nature over time. Other than those small technical issues, I thought this was well written, if you are a first time writer, you can take a lot from this. It was paced, structured and unveiled perfectly for the reader.

Top job.

Col.


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Andrew
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Craig,

Interesting little story here.

It made me smile, and was a tale for 'Jeremy Kyle' watchers the United Kingdom over!

Personally, I saw the 'twist' coming a mile off. The reason being that you made it fairly obvious with this:


Quoted Text
To be perfectly frank,
Marie, our sex life has gone off
the scale since OLLIE started that
new job,


The operative word being 'job'. However, that did not dilute the enjoyment of the piece (bad choice of word, eh) for me. If you are looking to pull a sleight of hand over the reader, then I think you need to veer off the frustrated housewife path 'cos with her discussions, there is only one natural ending. Doing that isn't necessary, IMO.

This is a great and enjoyable little short as it stands.

Nice one.

Andrew


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tonkatough
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey I thought the tradesmen rolls up at the house and gets molestered by the horny housewife. Wow porn has gotten very sophisticated in this day and age.

This was well written and a fun read


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Lightfoot
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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There's an error on the first page "Martina is sat in the armchair."

Also there needs to be some descriptions of Martina in here,

Someone has stated not to use (Cont'd) od CONTINUED in a spec script, you shouldn't unless the program you are using automatically does this for you and you have no way of disbeling it. Same for the "beats" They are too passive and colourless. Spice up the drama by replacing "BEAT" with a wryly. For example

POLICEMAN
Can I come inside for a moment Mrs. Turner
(softly)
It's your husband.

I like how this story turned out in the end. Even though I had an idea it will end the way it did when Martina started warming up to the officer, I enjoyed it.
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harrietb
Posted: July 13th, 2009, 2:43am Report to Moderator
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"Martha is sat in the armchair" is not a phrase I use myself but have read several scripts from people based in the north of England and so it didn't seem odd. However,  I would write Martha is sitting in the armchair.

I liked the script but also guessed the twist because of the conversation the wife had with Martina. It was still very good though.
My only suggestion is that the police officer be more aloof and stern. For example, I don;t think that a policeman would immediately sit down beside her, and some of the dialogue could be tweaked, Good job on the script and nice read, Craig.


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Kaycee
Posted: July 13th, 2009, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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Hi Craig,

I liked this one, a simple plot with a nice twist at the end. While I saw the twist coming I wasn't predicting the police officer to be her husband.

However I think you need to tell us more about Martina. All you've told us is that she's married, that wasn't enough description even for a short.

Besides that nce work.

Kaycee.
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Majorgeneral316
Posted: July 13th, 2009, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Cool,

I haven't read the other threads, so I'll keep it short and I'm sorry if I repeat.

I liked the story and I really liked the reveal at the end.  The dialogue was smooth and the descriptions were fine for me.

Though it would have been better if you actually  described how Martina looked like. And the policeman, as I had make up really how Martina looked like.

Other than good job, it was well worth the read.

Good Job.

MG



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jayrex
Posted: July 13th, 2009, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Where is the elusive Craig?

Anyway, nice idea which was enjoyable throughout.  

Everyone above has given you some good pointers.  I would add for the last scene, Marie should have an (O.S.) each time she speaks next to her name, and not simply 'on telephone' for the first line of dialogue.

I liked that feeling where the husband has just died and the wife started to get it on with the policeman.  That's just wrong.  I wouldn't have the policeman take her hand either as the policeman shouldn't get so close.

Overall, an enjoyable read.

All the best,


Javier


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Muse32
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 5:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Andrew
Craig,

Interesting little story here.

It made me smile, and was a tale for 'Jeremy Kyle' watchers the United Kingdom over!


Good old, Jeremy lol


-- CLICK ON ME TO READ MY SCRIPTS --

Sent to Hell (Short, Horror) FURY (120+ page Feature, Horror) Dead End Street (29 page Short, Horror) March of the Martyr (6 page Short, Drama)
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dogglebe
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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Pia, you should read this.  It's right up your alley.

This was a cute read.  It's not a profound script, but it was good.  The ending was a pleasant surprise; I was thinking something else entirely.

The amount of woo-woo-wah-wah was fine for the peace,

Enjoyable.



Phil
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JamminGirl
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Craig, this was nicely written. I like how the police kept things ambiguous. I have a question though; why do you use the word "beats" in parentheticals?


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
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