Morning Brian,

Quoted from CrazyArtist POLICEMAN Whether I find you attractive is unimportant as this point... I think you meant to say �at this point�.

Your right there, I missed that one- cheers for pointing it out.

Quoted from CrazyArtist �He retaliates at first, then relaxes...� This is just me but... retaliate sounds -- violent, or like a reaction to violence.  I would use resists, unless the afore mentioned is what you�re going for...then keep it.

No, that wasn't what I was going for. I see what you mean though. I'll have a rethink about that line.

Quoted from CrazyArtist I think you meant to say �...rips off his clothes...� not �...rips of his clothes...�

Again, thanks for pointing this out!

Quoted from CrazyArtist So...pretty minor stuff.  Overall.  You�re writing is solid.  Very clean, very concise... nicely done.  The story wasn�t ground-breaking, but it was fun.  I enjoyed it.  Smiled at the end and thought to myself �Ollie, you are one lucky son-of-a-bitch�.

Cheers Brian, that's good to know. I like to try and have a bit of a twist at the end if I can. Glad you thought it worked... I've actually had a little tinker with this one, and have a version which is now 13 pages. I'll probably submit it soon.

Thanks for the read, I'll make a start on 'Justus' later today.

All the best

Craig

Craig,

I for one did not see the twist, though I knew there had to be one - good job from that standpoint!

I see where you say you have a version that's a bit longer - I wonder if it would work if Martina is having tea with Marie when Ollie comes to the door?  Then her reaction to Martina's reaction could be comedy fodder. Otherwise you have two characters who are in on the joke when the audience is not, so their dialogue, which would otherwise be natural, has to couch the mystery.

Just a thought - I enjoyed it nonetheless!

AJR

Hi AJR,

That's an interesting thought, I'd not considered that.

The longer version came about after I was contacted by a film student who needed a short, easy to film script which lasted around fifteen minutes. I added a bit more dialogue between Martina and the Policeman before she swooped for the kill.

I don't think the project is going ahead, though. It happens quite a few times. It's exciting when someone first shows interest in your work, but let-downs are extremely common!

I might post the longer version up here in the not too distant future.

Thanks for the read and your thoughts,

Craig

Hi all,


The revised draft is now up. It's a couple of pages longer, and with some of the previous comments taken into account.

Cheers,


Craig

Hey Craig

You have a typo on page 4, the policeman says 'I'm hate to have to tell you this'.  Should be 'I hate to have to tell you this'.

Obviously I knew what happen in the end, having read the first draft but I still like this story of misdirection.  The conversations between Martina and Marie, and Martina and the Policeman are all believable throughout.

Not much else to say other than I still really like the simple idea and it worked well.

Nice work Craig

Morning Alffy,

Cheers for the typo, they're easily missed! It was changed from I'm sorry to have to tell you this.


Good that you found the dialogue believable, nice one.

All the best,

Craig

I didn't have any idea what was going to happen at the end...

I guess my main feeling about this is that it's an extended joke.  While the joke itself is enjoyable, the execution of the story as a whole didn't really work for me.  I felt like things floundered a bit structurally because we're constantly off-balance and not really sure what either of these characters want.  We get the feeling that one or both of them know more about the situation than they're letting us in on, but it's too difficult to try to puzzle it out from their odd behaviour.  

Personally I would have liked to see stronger conflict in here.  The conflict is nice and apparent...she wants him to stay and his character wants to leave.  I just thought this needed to be pushed more...that he would try harder (and more physically) to leave, and force her to try harder (and more physically) to get him to stay.  For this to work I think we need to be duped a little more, to really buy into the idea that this situation is exactly what it appears to be.  That way, her behaviour will come off as more shocking, and, I think, funnier.  The sort of strange, slightly 'off' seduction scene that we have now is not entirely un-enjoyable but is in my opinion much less than this story could be.

I'm not going to complain about a lack of thematic content but I will say that the premise has room for stronger thematic subtext than I see, currently.

Um I didn't mind the dialogue between Martina and Ollie but I found Martina and Marie's conversation really annoying and unnatural and frustrating.    

I didn't think this was very good in its current form but I did enjoy myself and I think it has the potential to be a very slick, neat story with a good "gotcha".  

I liked this script. It was cute, and I was expecting another twist. I was expecting the twist to be a porno director yelling "Cut!" and everyone bouncing off the stage, showing that the whole thing was a porno set.

But I liked it. I do think that the comments on this thread are worth taking a look at. The conflict in your script is minimal as of now and the stakes are minimal as well. I have to think about it more to give you any more suggestions, but I know if you upped the ante on both of those, this would be an even stronger read.

Great job!

Hi Heretic + Konishdutta,


Thank you both for the read!

All feedback is greatly appreciated and duly noted. Thanks for the suggestions and ideas.


Cheers again,

Craig

I enjoyed the read.
Maybe she should seat on the armchair.
You should not give away the ending so soon.  May be a good idea for her and Martina to be talking about something else, not their sex life.
I would also expand the love scene, not into a porno, as some suggested but, maybe keep it at R.
Loved the ending.

Rico

Hi Rico

Quoted from rico I enjoyed the read.

That's nice to hear, thanks.

Quoted from rico Maybe she should seat on the armchair.

I don't understand what you mean here...

Quoted from rico You should not give away the ending so soon.

I didn't think I had given the ending away. The majority of readers said that the ending took them by surprise.

Quoted from rico I would also expand the love scene, not into a porno, as some suggested but, maybe keep it at R.

Maybe add a scene involving handcuffs and a truncheon, eh? .

Quoted from rico Loved the ending.

Really happy you loved then ending. I thought you said I'd given the ending away. I'm all confused now!

Cheers for the read Rico, glad you liked it.

Craig

Good story.  I liked the twist at the end.  Your style is very lean and I really like that.  Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Craig,

I began reading this and was interested in Martina's character.  She sounded rather playful, but alluring, sultry, and horny.  When the "Policeman" came to the door, I had a feeling as to whom it may be.  I let the scenario play out for a while, and realized what I was reading.  I won't ruin it for anyone else, but this is an interesting read.  I agree with one of the other comments posted, this could have really gotten spicy with more in depth details of their actions in the bedroom.  This could have been a very intense porn script.  But, you elected to keep it clean, and let the imagination of the reader see the pictures in their own mind as they read your script.  Trust me, this one could have gone in so many directions.  

I enjoyed the script.  Interesting that I had a feeling the entire time reading this that I knew who the "policeman" was.