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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Friend For George Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 13th, 2009, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Friend For George by Harriet Barbir - Short, Drama - A young boy saves his bully (7 pages ) - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 13th, 2009, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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***AS ALWAYS, I TELL WHAT'S GOING ON***


First action could be crisper. perfect set up for dialogue between the bullies and Amir, but Amir just forks out money.

I'm going to guess English is not your first language.

Eight years old, yes, I can see George being his best friend.

You could tell me what worry beads are.

In the car, Amir sets a towel on the seat. I didn't know he held one. I thought he held an "evil eye."

During the pool scene, there is some real frantic stuff going on. So your action text should convey that. You need to use verbs than convey that urgency of the situation. It's boring the way you write this and what is happening is not boring.

You say Joseph is too heavy for Amir, but Joseph is underwater and Amir has flippers. That doesn't add up. Amir could easily move Joseph.

The part where everyone claps for Amir...not working. For one, Amir did not pull Joseph out of the water, the Pool Attendant did, so Amir performed no heroics. From what you wrote, nobody could see under water, so they could not even see that Amir even tried.

The pool spectators probably have no idea that Amir was bullied by Joseph, however it would have more impact if the spectators at the pool knew that Joseph had Amir in his crosshairs.

The whole thing is about Amir saving a kid who bullied to him; Amir turns the other cheek. For this to have more impact, the begining needs to be set up better. Joseph needs to be more of a bad guy. Joseph needs to taunt Amir and Amir must have more at stake. Amir he has to lose, not the image of losing, but really losing and we need to see it. You could ditch the parent thing, because it's not important. What is important is Amir being a kid of intergrity at age 8. Amir suffers at the hand of Joseph and then saves Joseph. That's the moral of the story.

The George thread works.
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harrietb
Posted: August 13th, 2009, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 13th, 2009, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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those are heavy looking sonzabitches
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: August 13th, 2009, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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Harrietb...

Read your short.

When you first introduced Amir you mentioned his age already.  Why mention it again in page #3?  Is it just a typo?

Page#5, some of your formatting seem to be alittle off.  What type of screenwriting software do you use?

You also need to be more consistant.  Some headings you have underlined and others you don't.  Unless you want to emphasize something, I wouldn't underline anything.  

Some of your writing needs to be tighten up a bit.  Take this...

"Jack nudges her as sees Amir climb out of the pool."  

How about... Jack nudges Rana as Amir climbs out of the pool.

I was so busy looking at your action lines, I had to go back and read your script a second time to catch what little dialogue you had.  I'd probably add a little more dialogue, but that's just me.

Not bad but needs a little work.

Good Luck,

Ghostwriter 22


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harrietb
Posted: August 14th, 2009, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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>>>You say Joseph is too heavy for Amir, but Joseph is underwater and Amir has flippers. That doesn't add up. Amir could easily move Joseph.

The part where everyone claps for Amir...not working. For one, Amir did not pull Joseph out of the water, the Pool Attendant did, so Amir performed no heroics. From what you wrote, nobody could see under water, so they could not even see that Amir even tried. <<<


Funny, this is what happened in an earlier draft - Amir drags Joseph out of the water = hero. but based on other feedback (that istated there was no way he could do that) I changed it. Guess I should change it back

Regarding the other kids knowing that Amir is being bullied by Joseph, Jack certainly knows, but there might need to be a little added to show that others do too, I've found that kids generally tend to know which kid is being picked on and by whom.

Thanks for the read and your comments. I'll bear them in mind.


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harrietb
Posted: August 14th, 2009, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Harrietb...


Some of your writing needs to be tighten up a bit.  Take this...

"Jack nudges her as sees Amir climb out of the pool."  

How about... Jack nudges Rana as Amir climbs out of the pool.

Ghostwriter 22


Thanks. That certainly works better than my line. Will read through it again, hopefully, with fresh eyes.


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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 14th, 2009, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from harrietb


>>>You say Joseph is too heavy for Amir, but Joseph is underwater and Amir has flippers. That doesn't add up. Amir could easily move Joseph.

The part where everyone claps for Amir...not working. For one, Amir did not pull Joseph out of the water, the Pool Attendant did, so Amir performed no heroics. From what you wrote, nobody could see under water, so they could not even see that Amir even tried. <<<


Funny, this is what happened in an earlier draft - Amir drags Joseph out of the water = hero. but based on other feedback (that istated there was no way he could do that) I changed it. Guess I should change it back

Regarding the other kids knowing that Amir is being bullied by Joseph, Jack certainly knows, but there might need to be a little added to show that others do too, I've found that kids generally tend to know which kid is being picked on and by whom.

Thanks for the read and your comments. I'll bear them in mind.


Don't know about your prior feedback, but NASA trains under water to simulate less gravity, it's just physics. Getting him OUT of the pool would be tough, but getting him to the edge would be easy. Then he'd be a hero.

You need to make everyting over the top so the story has impact.
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LC
Posted: August 15th, 2009, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Bravo Harriet,

You’ve actually written a real fully fleshed out story in eight pages – unlike a lot of the empty ‘one idea’ epic ‘shorts’ (as Balt is so fond of commenting on, and I agree) that are a dime a dozen.

This is different – in a good way. You’ve spent time developing characters (specifically the main character of Amir) and depicted his world beautifully. The imagery from the first scene where he holds is breath before being ‘dunked’ into the toilet and then the transition to the next scene with him in the bath – loved it. “Amir’s hair sways like seaweed” – evoked a great image. And, then the theme (of water) is repeated throughout. Great depiction of the flickering ‘book of George’ – great ‘best friend’.

As for the earlier comment about his handing his lunch-money over too readily – I don’t agree. I thought this was perfectly set up as a bullying ‘routine’ without the need for exposition.

Yes, there are some format issues, some lines need refining, and the ‘action’ lines could be tightened (I might think of calling it a ‘pool party’ btw, rather than a ‘swimming party’ but I don’t care to mention any other ‘wording’ problems or format issues ‘cause there’s a ‘story’ wrapped up in these eight pages and it has at its core real ‘heart.’

Well done Harriet. Imo, this deserves more ‘reads’.

Libby


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Cam17
Posted: August 16th, 2009, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was a pretty well told feel-good story.  Everyone likes it when the little guy wins at the end.  There were some formatting issues, as have already been discussed.  Some missing punctuation here and there.

During that part where you switch from the school bathroom to his bathroom at home:

JOSEPH
You want it? Go get it.
Joseph throws the pages into the toilet, holds Amir by
the neck, about to plunge his head under the water.
Amir inhales deeply, and holds his breath.

INT. BATHROOM - EVENING
Amir’s hair sways like seaweed as it float under water -
his face, still, beneath it, holding his breath.

This confused me the first time I read it.  You might want to clarify in your slugline that the scene takes place in Amir's home and then mention in the action that he's sitting in a bathtub.  I hope I read that part correctly.

At the end, I suppose I was hoping for more of a humbling for Joseph.  Like maybe he acknowledges that Amir saved his life and that he will view him differently from now on.  It's great that Amir gets the ribbon from the pool attendant and all, but I'd like to see more resolution with Joseph.

All in all, though, your characters, especially Amir, were well drawn.


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harrietb
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 2:16am Report to Moderator
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Thanks everyone for the reads. I appreciate all the comments made so far, and will address some of these flaws in the next rewrite.

best,
H


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harrietb
Posted: August 22nd, 2009, 2:49am Report to Moderator
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P.S. Libby,
If you could direct me to one of your scripts I'll return the read.

Best,

H


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LC
Posted: August 22nd, 2009, 4:04am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the offer H. I don't regard 'shorts' as my forte' to be honest. I'm envious of those who seem to so effortlessly keep 'em coming. Have to date, only submitted one poem and a couple of scenes 'in jest'. Nice to know I'm guaranteed a 'read' once I bite the bullet, by you, and that other guy (who shall remain nameless) who keeps giving me a shove.


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rendevous
Posted: August 27th, 2009, 6:25am Report to Moderator
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Some guy giving L C shoves? The man should ashamed of himself. Just let me know where he lives and I'll send round 'the boys'.

Lots of good imagery here Harriet. The seaweed has ben mentioned before. I'll mention it again. It's very very good. As are the mistaken gestures and the boys' activities.

Don't get a big head but it felt like one of Truffaut's films. Those weird sentences and these uneasy feelings. Maybe a bit of Amelie too. Came to mind when he looked at the fishbowl. Particularly later at the pool.

The flippers reminded me of all the stupid things kids do. Something thats not seen enough.

Script is typo free, pretty much. Always admirable.

Good title and script. It's very good and deftly done. Strange too, which was nice. You've a writing style that's all your own. I'm trying to think of something negative to say for balance. I can't so I'll leave it there. Well done.


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harrietb
Posted: August 28th, 2009, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read and your kind words. There's no danger of me getting a big head as this script still needs some work. Nice to hear some praise, neveretheless. Much obliged.

Best,

H


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