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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Psychic Meltdown Moderators: bert
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AnthonyCawood, colkurtz8 and 3 Guests

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SimplyScripts
Posted: August 23rd, 2009, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Psychic Meltdown by Will Ball (albinopenguin) - Short - A short tempered psychic deals with three dim witted callers. 3 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
SimplyScripts  -  October 9th, 2009, 12:58pm
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albinopenguin
Posted: August 23rd, 2009, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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Thanks for putting this up! This was originally an assignment for a comedy class of mine and it was received quite well. So naturally, i wanted to see what everyone on SS thought


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James Carlette
Posted: August 24th, 2009, 6:24am Report to Moderator
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I liked it. It's a nice idea and well executed.  

I realise that comedy is subjective, but the gunshot at the end didn't work for me. It felt a little clichéd. The tone of it was also slightly out of place (too heavy for such a light piece). Maybe have the absurdity of the experience make him reconsider? Or just leave it open?




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rendevous
Posted: August 24th, 2009, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Will,

Really enjoyed that. It worked well for me. Very dark...

Write some more.

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Latest scripts...

The Sandwich

Take Care

Blood Group


My other scripts are here.

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albinopenguin
Posted: August 24th, 2009, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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thanks guys, i really appreciate it.

the ending is actually new. i wasnt sure if it was appropriate, but I kind of liked it. so naturally, i wanted to see what everyone else thought.

i plan on writing much more. im in the midst of writing a feature and since its my first, its taking me longer than expected. so these shorts are a nice way to escape and write something fresh. plus my good friend and former roommate James M, told me that theres a growing market for these two/three minute shorts.

at any rate, i love the community here and i plan on reading as many other pieces of work as possible.


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jayrex
Posted: August 24th, 2009, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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I can't see the positives through the negativity

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Not bad Will,

I enjoyed this piece and feel it would be more suitable for a radio environment.  It's funny and works and was worth the read.

All the best,


Javier


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colkurtz8
Posted: August 24th, 2009, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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You check out mine, I'll check out yours.

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Will

First off, what a great name, Will Ball, I love it.

I also enjoyed your script, a real dark humour to it which I loved.

Obviously this isn't to be taken seriously but one line rom the script

"I have time for one last call and it looks like we have one on the line right now."

-- She only takes three calls per show? Must only be a five minutes slot between programs or something. As I said I realise this is obviously not be taken seriously its just that stuck out for me when reading it.

I like the dialogue well scripted and witty the "Trust me sir, pull the trigger." putdown was a knockout. A strange way to promote your business calling the listeners "dumb asses" but hey, this never pretended to be within the realms of reality in the first place.

A cool idea for a short short and a welcome slice of ebony black comedy too. Nice work.

Col.



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tonkatough
Posted: August 26th, 2009, 5:19am Report to Moderator
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very simple. A little bit silly. Felt more like a sketch.

Good idea. a harrassed Psychic. That's comedy gold right there and you milked it for every drop of gold.

The best thing is I could imagine this sketch being acted out by a muppet.  


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stevie
Posted: August 27th, 2009, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, hi Will.  This was very well done until the ending. Didn't fit in at all with the fun spirit of the script.
Maybe you could have her say....'you don't need to do this cos you're going to win the lottery in ten minutes'..Something like that but obviously funnier.

You should expand this into a longer skit, maybe 5 or 6 pages. There is heaps of potential for all sorts of weirdos ringing her.


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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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'Ey up.

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Hi Will,

Enjoyed this loads, very funny, loved the bleak ending too. This deserves to be extended a little maybe, but as it stands, it is still hugely enjoyable.


Craig


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James McClung
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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You dude. Sorry it's taken so long to get to this. A couple of small things. This isn't an issue with this script in particular but for future reference, you need to write numbers out as words. In this case, nobody's gonna read your dialogue as "One-eight-oh-oh" or "Nine-nine cents." This stuff is a given but about half the time, there's a couple different ways to say a set of numbers. Like I said, future reference. Also, you might have Miss Theo doing something on set to break up the dialogue and make the script more visually appealing. I don't know. Rubbing a crystal ball or something? Not saying use that. Just something to consider in general. Not sure how you expand this into something better. It's pretty straightforward sketch comedy. You could have some behind the scenes stuff with Miss Theo if you wanted but I don't think it's necessary. Anyway, good stuff! The ending's just fine. The dark stuff, when it works, is usually the best.


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jackx
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Not sure if it was just the format that i opened it up in, but the action was starting on the title page.
Isnt miss theo a real psychic?  I would probably use a fake one since its your personal script.
I thought the title was a little weak.  Could think of something a tad more clever or less descriptive.  Like if she had her phsycic slogan or something to that effect.
Also for the last caller personally I think it would be funnier if she was more exasperated than angry, if that makes sense.  Like just upset about people calling the wrong number, but not particularly interested in the suicide.  I thought the "trust me just kill yourself" line a little out of character and harsh.  Maybe something more on the lines of her just being sarcastic 'well, it looks like its just gonna get worse for you' or whatever.
But I did notice someone else pointed that out as a favorite line, so its just a matter of taste.

Overall funny little skit, could see a crappier version of this on MadTV or something.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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harrietb
Posted: September 7th, 2009, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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Enjoyable read until the end but thought it might work better visually if there was an assistant putting through these calls, like Ros does in Frasier, that the psychic could gesture to.
I also wasn't clear about her final piece of dialogue, where she mentions the ambulance team not wanting to clean her blood of the walls twice. It made me think that she had already had a vision of this, and her killing, so that, when the shot fires when she's off the set,I expected someone to have killed her - maybe caller number 3. I know I'm wriitng too much in here, but wondered whether he might have been husband, she the one who had left him, taken the kids, house etc, and when she advises him to pull the trigger, it's her fatal mistake.

Just toughts,

Best,

H


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Trojan
Posted: October 8th, 2009, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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This is one of those shorts that is really more like a skit than a story. Is that what you were going for here? If so then it works ok I guess but I didn't find it that funny personally.

If it's meant more as a short film I don't think there is enough in the way of story to carry this along. It's just a scene and needs more depth to be effective. In the beginning I think you could have described the psychic better. Just saying she looks like a psychic is too vague, how does she look like a psychic? What is she wearing and what is she doing? How old is she? You've only got one character so give us a sense of who she is. I would also reference her as Miss Theo as well in the action passage and not just in the dialogue. Also remember to make sure to use CAPS for the name, or for woman, if you don't call her by her name.

Your script also ends abruptly. So we know it is the end you should include FADE OUT or at least something to signal it is the end of the script.

Cheers,
Tim.


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jackx
Posted: October 21st, 2009, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Hey just reread this after it was reposted?  Did anything get changed?  Not sure if you cleaned up anything little but I didnt notice any significant changes.  


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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