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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  35 - Filmed! Moderators: bert
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  Author    35 - Filmed!  (currently 16454 views)
Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 8th, 2009, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Hey Sean,

I had a couple of minutes left over today and thought I might give a short a read.

I've read over the other comments and I have this strange feeling I read something completely different. There is one version listed at 3 pages and one at 35. The one I read was 12...

On to the story.

I felt the writing was fine and well broken up. However, I would have preferred present tense (I know. I know...) and I think you can also skip the word "and" to get a tighter crisper script.

The story, I did find sort of intriguing. I had no problem following it due to lack of interest. I only had a few very small gripes. Things like, it didn't feel right to have him yawn and stuff then punch the mirror and then yawn some more. Usually when you punch something you end up quite awake even if you just punched a mirror.

I also thought Heather must have heard the shots when he shot Vincent and Michelle and wouldn't just sitting there on the couch waiting to see what happens next.

So good job. Can use a bit of tweaking, but nothing much. Btw, the logline is what made me chose yours.

Pia  


Me, Pia, you read something different. As long as it's been up, I haven't figured out why, but on this page is "35", which is supposed to be on here and "12 Seconds" (which you read), which is not supposed to be on here.

However, in response to your thoughts on 12 Seconds (which I'm guessing as the one listed at 35 pages):

Really? There was past tense in places? I'll have to give it another re-read, because I don't remember any.

Depending on your perspective of the story (there's 2 ways it could go), in one of them, punching the mirror wouldn't wake him up. As for Heather hearing them, it's true, but she was all coked up and whored out. She wanted to care, but really didn't.

Thanks for choosing, especially because of the logline. Here's the thing which is making me laugh right now. You read the wrong story, but it still makes sense because I re-use the same characters over and over again. So, in both that I listed before, the main character is David Carlisle and he's done something really bad in both.

So, it's funny that my logline sold you on the incorrect story. To prove this, when you see this, if you'd like, open up the 3-page one. You'll see what I'm talking about.

I think you'll find something familair about the link below. Lol.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1253471967/

Once again, thanks for reading and reviewing. =)


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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 8th, 2009, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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I got your script from the "unproduced scripts" page. I clicked directly on the script link. May want to alert Don to the mix-up...


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 8th, 2009, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Nowhere special.
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3064
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I got your script from the "unproduced scripts" page. I clicked directly on the script link. May want to alert Don to the mix-up...


I don't need to alert him. No one who's actually read 35 on here liked it as a stand-alone, and it'll be a long time before it's a full thing. Sorry for the mix-up. =)


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DV44
Posted: December 5th, 2012, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean,

I got to read the 4 page version but the longer one. What's up with that? And what's up with David and Vincent in your scripts. Haha.

Sad to say it makes you think of the columbine shooting since it takes place at a school.

Anyways, it's nicely written. Good job on the visuals. I just wish we had more to the story. Why did David do what he did? - Dirk
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