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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Soulshadows II: Riches Moderators: bert
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  Author    Soulshadows II: Riches  (currently 5357 views)
stebrown
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 5:39am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough


Nicely written and like a lot of your works Stebrown it was played out low key with out any real dramatic flare, thrills and spills or intensity.



That doesn't sound very good...

I know it's a bit more domestic based than other episodes but it is still a supernatural premise.

Thanks for the read though matey.


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Niles_Crane
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 7:04am Report to Moderator
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I am pretty sure that this sentence contradicts itself!

If your scripts lacks dramatic flare, thrills, spills or intensity, then it can't also be nicely written!

I would say that I do not see why a script has to have "thrills and spills" anyway - it would be different if this were meant to be an action film, but it is perfectly acceptable for this genre to be low key.

Although, as I said, I felt the script needed work, I would also add that it makes a refreshing change to have a supernatural story set amongst the pubs and football grounds of a real place rather than gothic old houses! I would even encourage you to make it more grounded in reality by naming your locals and presenting real places.

(In this respect, I'd point to Rendezvous's scripts with their Manchester settings).
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey guys, if the scene is "inside" a stadium, whether or not that stadium is "open" or "closed", it's an "INT shot (as far as I'm concerned.  The camera and the action is inside the stadium.

Sorry I didn't catch that, Ste.
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bert
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Niles_Crane
I know that the format demands an intro by Tanis, but it seems to take ages to get to the point! We have a page of her tossing a coin - so over a minute of screen time probably!


Hmm....I must disagree with you here, Niles.

The entire segment occurs over 1.5 pages, and I am very cognizant of screen time.

As for the coin flipping itself -- even with the most liberal of interpretations -- let's say 5 flips -- which is more than intended -- those actions would consume about 20 seconds of screen time, tops. (Try it.)

Not trying to be defensive, really -- and thank you for taking the time to comment on Tanis, Niles -- as she seldom receives comments -- but I do think it is important to correct (what I perceive as) misperceptions when they arise, lest others become confused.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Niles_Crane
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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Oh. hi Bert. No worries - as the writer, it is your God given right to defend and explain your work! And, indeed, to tell us to bugger off if you don't like what we say!

But...

I would still say that even 20 seconds watching someone flip a coin is likely to seem very long indeed! In any case, the dialogue would make the scene longer.

I much preferred the Tanis intro for Grave Messages - do you write them all?
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bert
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Niles_Crane
- do you write them all?


Yes -- and truth be told -- her character has already gone far beyond her originally-intended lifespan haha.

I would have never confined her to a cave had I known we would be approaching 20 episodes, all-told.

But specific to this episode -- as she flips her coin -- 2-3 times, probably -- the camera is entering the alcove, looking about, and approaching Tanis.

The image is not static -- but also not spelled out explicitly, as much as it is implied by the previous segments.

Thanks for giving me an opportunity to discuss -- which happens quite seldom for this character, who is much harder to compose than she looks.

I am getting very eager to post her own episode, the season finale, which improves (to me) each time I open the file and tweak it.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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tonkatough
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 2:00am Report to Moderator
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No, no,  no, no Niles. I'm not contradicting myself. Don't be silly.

This isn't just any short, this is Soulshadows. Expectations have to be met.

Soulshadows is all about  people globe trotting around the world to find the ulitmate ferris wheel ride, and psycho cats who will scratch up a man's penis when they are pissed and other such bump in the night thrills and spills.

But as a suburban yarn about a families plight caused by gambling I would say- yes, this is well written.  



      


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: October 20th, 2009, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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stebrown...

Like all the others, I thought you did a good job here.  Your action lines were crisp and to the point. You didn't have any of the as I call it, "flower scented stuff.".

I thought the pacing was okay.  It was a very quick read for 26 pages as well.

As usually Bert Tanis was good.

Almost makes me want to write one for the series later down the road if it goes to a third part.

Good Job

Ghostwriter 22


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mcornetto
Posted: October 26th, 2009, 12:57am Report to Moderator
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Ste,

I thought you did a wonderful job with this. It was very much written "your" style and that is entirely what Soulshadows is about. It isn't about cookie-cutter molds that template the way your script has to be.  It's an anthology of writings by authors and even the most bizzarre would be welcome.  So don't be taken aback by the people that said it didn't fit.  There is no fit.

Well done, another excellent addition to the Soulshadows series.

Michael
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grademan
Posted: October 26th, 2009, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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Ste, I liked this. Good job. Only, one question: Why is the coin shown on the title page a Nazi coin? It wasn't referenced in the story.

Gary
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stebrown
Posted: October 26th, 2009, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Michael and Gary for the reads. Pleased you enjoyed it.

Gary, the nazi coin had a bit of a back-story with who first had the coin. I decided to leave it out of the script because it didn't really do anything for this particular story and I was running out of room. For the purposes of this script, the image doesn't have a lot of relevance to be honest.


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jayrex
Posted: October 26th, 2009, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Ste,

I thought you wrote a good quick and easy script to read, and for what it was it was good.  But feel that the supernatural stuff was a little thin.  I have to side with Dreamscale with the timing of the odd stuff that came from having the coin in Charlie's possession.

I think if you shortened the beginning and added more odd stuff for every win something bad happens then it would add to the supernatural atmosphere.

Tanis was as good as ever, which makes me want to read her story ever more.

Overall, a fairly good edition to the Soulshadow series.


Javier


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stebrown
Posted: October 29th, 2009, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers Javier,

I think this script may need to be extended for it to work to full effect. Like I've said above, if more stuff was to happen to his loved ones then we would need more characters in the script. I couldn't really do that with the page length.

At the moment I'm working on extending an earlier short to send off to the BBC's writers room, but after that I may come back to this one.

Thanks for the read mate.

Ste


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Colkurtz8
Posted: November 4th, 2009, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Ste

Just listened to this in iscript format on the way home from work. I must say first and foremost, I really enjoyed the writing of this. I realise that a lot can get lost in the delivery via the iscript but the sharpness and clarity of your descriptive in particular transcended that potential problem. Plus I got a great kick out of the narrator pronouncing such british (or at least non-American) terms like "pint", "Mam", "bovril" and best off all "arse!" had me laughing in traffic to the queer look of other drivers

But as I said the writing was extremely crisp, concise "a cute, young
woman but good-looks hidden under years of hard graft" with the occasional dark witticism in places like comparing Charlie's average looks to the rhythm of his finger tapping. I dug the Shearer reference too, perhaps a bit obvious but what can I say, a true legend of the game.

For me, the story is what stops this from being great. The set up and idea was decent, even if it had a little I've-seen-it-all-before feel to it. I like how the story developed, the torn marriage, Charlie's gambling problem and the grizzly encounter with the drunk in the bar triggering the whole chain of events but in my opinion it never fully realised itself. In that, it all became formulaic once we were made aware of he powers possesed by the coin. With the risk of sounding like a know it all I could see the ending coming two thirds through and unfortunately things unfolded pretty much how I had forecasted. Nice twist ending all the same though with the son finding the coin in a cool closing shot.

What happened to Sam? The last we heard he was in a "not looking good" coma but we never got any closure. Is it because Charlie was so consumed with his habit that he merely forgot? Funny cos I just watched Rosemary's Baby last night and there is a similar sub-plot where Rosemary's former landlord falls ill and she never goes to see him until she is told he has passed away, presumably because she is embroiled in rather "distracting" troubles of her own by this time of the story. In fact this had some similar themes to that film in regards an unseen malevolent forces inflicting hardships in trade for glory and riches for those who want it bad enough.

Overall, as superbly written piece with a story I though felt flat and failed to really grab, engage or catch me by surprise. I dunno, maybe if you had stretched it out longer in order to accomodate for a greater arc, really delving into Charlie's growing dependancy on the coin till it completly takes over his life. I don't know if there is a page limit to the series, is there?

Col.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: November 6th, 2009, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Stephen,

I read this one loooong time ago. I can tell you this version was much improved. You did a great job on it. Nice writing style, nice story, characters that I cared for. Very good.

I'm not a grammar expert so I'm only asking out of curiosity, "as if the table were infinite", shouldn't that be was? If I'm wrong, please tell me the rule here so I might learn something.

Great description of Charlie. His rhythm is just like his appearance, below average. I felt sorry for him immediately!

On page 20 you have a montage. I could be wrong, but I think that's  a SERIES OF SHOTS:      A montage is more like a series of scenes. Longer and usually with some dialogue and stuff.

Great choice making the "evil" continue with Daniel having the coin.

Not much of a review perhaps, but I thought you did really well and I don't really have much to complain about.

Pia


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