Quoted from jayrex Hello Steven, I finished your script yesterday and thought it was good but could have been better.  I thought the ending was good but the beginning to middle could have been stronger.  I personally think that if you skipped the funeral scenes and maybe put more time into the remote and the Scott & Sarah scenes, then this would have paid off more. I also like the beginning with Tanis starting at the wrong point, but felt the choice of scene was a little too late into the script.  Maybe start with a scene from the middle as the current scene choice kinda gave away what we were going to encounter. Compared to the others in the series, I thought this was a good addition. Jeff wrote some very good points that I thought best not to repeat. All the best, Javier

Thanks for the read, Javier.  We seem to have consensus that the beginning needs shortened and the remote focused on more.  You are the first person who mentioned that the false start was too far into the story.  Hmmm.

I'm new to the Soulshadows series, but I've read every one so far.  This one is by far the best of SS II.  I loved it in that it wasn't as predictable as the other ones.  Even though we had a flash forward to the ending, I was still surprised as to how Scott and Sarah wound up killing each other.

Now for the constructive criticism.  Unlike the other posters, I liked the funeral and flashback scenes.  However, you may want to do one flashblack in which Uncle Harry may have ignored his birthday party in order to watch TV.  That could explain why he ticked off so many people, but they still made it for his funeral (both for greed and to be sure the old coot was gone).

The only thing missing from your story was an explanation as to why everybody had the remote aimed at them.  I think maybe Uncle Harry could have gone senile in the end, and he was trying to change the TV characters aka the relatives and friends via remote control.  He did this so often that they hated him, and he hated the fact that the remote "didn't work."

One more rewrite addressing the way that Uncle Harry had alientated himself through TV from all of his associates is the only thing needed.  Otherwise it stands out pretty well on its own.  Just a wee bit more characterization is needed.  Thanks for the great read.