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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  To Molest A Molestor Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: November 15th, 2009, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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To Molest A Molestor by Will Ball (albinopenguin) - Short - In this dark comedic sketch, Joe walks into the house of a 15 year old girl who is stirring punch on the kitchen counter. Is she alone or will Joe be busted by predator hunter Charles Henson? 9 pages - pdf, format


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Baltis.
Posted: November 15th, 2009, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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You know what, I laughed... I did.  The script could be tightened up here and there.  Some of the actions are a bit sloppy, but the story and the hook, which you kind of see coming, was all laid out very well.  The dialogue was pretty spot on and for once, pretty damn funny.  

Why is something about Molestation funny?  Well, the writer captured, not the molestation parts, what he done here is exploit the absurd nature of the cops who catch these s*** Spoons, and the s*** Spoons themselves.  What they say... How they go about doing it.  Very entertaining read.  A fast one, but a good one.  

Not epic... Not Industry shaking, but solid as hell.
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albinopenguin
Posted: November 15th, 2009, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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hey baltis, thanks so much. when i saw you commented on the script i was a little weary because i know youre pretty hard on people- which is why i like reading your comments (you tell the truth and you know what youre talking about). so reading your post definitely encouraged me - especially since i was on the fence with this one. at any rate, thanks for the read


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_ghostwriter
Posted: November 15th, 2009, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Baltis.
You know what, I laughed... I did.  The script could be tightened up here and there.  Some of the actions are a bit sloppy, but the story and the hook, which you kind of see coming, was all laid out very well.  The dialogue was pretty spot on and for once, pretty damn funny.  

Why is something about Molestation funny?  Well, the writer captured, not the molestation parts, what he done here is exploit the absurd nature of the cops who catch these s*** Spoons, and the s*** Spoons themselves.  What they say... How they go about doing it.  Very entertaining read.  A fast one, but a good one.  

Not epic... Not Industry shaking, but solid as hell.


Albinopenguin...

Dateline NBC, I always loved them predator shows.  They were all funny and so was this.  Hilarious.  

Everything Baltis said, I agree with here.  Your writing could be more tighter but all of ours can.  If your going to keep your characters names CAP throughout, then make sure you stick with that.

You forgot to CAP Charles on one of the pages.  Consistant.

Overall, couldn't stop laughing, nice job.

Good Luck,

Ghostwriter22


BODY HEAT: SUMMER OF SIN
REAP and SOW
BATTLE OF THE AMAZONS
THE TIME GUARDIAN - WHEN A SECRET GOVERNMENT PROGRAM GOES HORRIBLY WRONG, A GUARDIAN FROM THE FUTURE MUST RESTORE THE TIMELINE AND AVERT APOCALYPSE. "PRAY SHE'S NOT TOO LATE."
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Ophelia
Posted: November 15th, 2009, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty funny stuff, kinda dragged in the middle for a bit.  I like, "before I pull your jumpsuit down and rape you myself", but there wasnt anything funny for a bit before that.  might want to tighten it a bit.  Nice ending though.


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James McClung
Posted: November 15th, 2009, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Yo dude. I liked this one. The twists had a pretty punchy nature to them. That said, I'll agree with everyone that you could tighten up the dialogue a little bit. It doesn't drag (to me, at least) and there's a couple zingers (e.g. the username bit) that you might want to keep but I think chopping down some of the unnecessaries would benefit the script in regards to delivery. I have to say I'm surprised by where this ended up going. Pretty sure the molester was actually gonna get molested. That would've been a different kind of dark though and arguably, he did (psychologically anyway). The ending is much better this way. If anything, there's something darker in the guy getting off the hook for a laugh after the announcer goes out of his way to call him sick. I think his reaction and his family's reaction could be a little different though. I mean, one or the other has to be shocked by the circumstances.

Other than that, very fun.


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stevie
Posted: November 15th, 2009, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Will. Mate, this was very well done! I thought it was fine as is. Great set up, nice satire. The writing was crips and it read very quick. Good job.

PS Your name is classic!  Have you any good nicknames you can tell us? what about Bag? anyone call u that? Cheers buddy


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malcolm3
Posted: November 15th, 2009, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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First time I've read one of yours... Nice and easy read. There is a little tightening up required, but all in all - nice job. I have to agree with James in that I'm sure the family would have reacted differently. Being a father, I wanted you to hang, draw and quarter the S.O.B, but you can't have it all.

Nice one!
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Coding Herman
Posted: November 15th, 2009, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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I agreed with the reviews above as well. It's definitely an easy and fast read for me.

I think there are things that you can keep and things that you can tighten up. Although I liked the username, it's not going to go well on screen. I mean, how can you pronounce that username? The picture of Joe's man meat is a good setup that Joe is actually a molester. The condom in the bag is good as well.

You got the wrong character on the last two dialogue. You swap Joe's with Charles's.

Other than that, good job!


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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jwent6688
Posted: November 16th, 2009, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
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DOUBLE SPACE YOUR FRIGGIN' SLUGS!!!

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Very enjoyable read. I liked the dialogue for the most. My only complaint is its believability. What family would set up there father/husband in that type of situation. He's a douche bag... Which I get was your point by the ending. Nice work though. Quite enjoyed it. I just needed someone to cheer for here. I'd like to see one of those shows go amiss. Like if the perp blazed away and mowed down the host. That's just my sick thinking though... Good work.


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Baltis.
Posted: November 16th, 2009, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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If I could interject one last time... I did like this script.  I loved the set ups and it flowed well.  You got some hang ups on some of your action slugs... but they are easy to discern and fix.

I think, as Jwent has said, it is a tad unbelievable that it's his family that does this... How about a group of friends?  Might make it more believable, but it damn sure wouldn't make it more funny.  I think it's hysterical to think his family, all of them, did this... As if they know he's a Dick Drip and just put up with him.

& this next bit has nothing to do with any of you all at all... It's just in general.

I think if everyone would take out their tampons when dealing with humor things would be much funnier.  Humor and comedy should have no boundaries and we should cross the ones we feel are there.  That's why this script works.  It takes a situation, a harsh one and twist it around... almost breaking down the molester and taking the power back.  That's king.

If more people wrote with balls and did stand up without the gloves on... The world would be much more adept to handle the things that came at them.
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colkurtz8
Posted: November 19th, 2009, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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Will

Possibly the most attention grabbing title you're gonna find on these boards, so I had to take a look.

I hate to start on a nit pick but you shouldn't number your title page. Page 1 should be the first page of the actual script, i.e. the opening scene

"BRITTANY, 15, sits on a counter in a one-piece bathing suit
and stirs a bowl of punch."

-- Just out of curiosity (and I have name dropped this book before so apologies) but have you read Nabokov's "Lolita"? I realise the set up is based on that dateline show but a seemingly innocent, almost angelic image like this containing that seedy, voyeuristic undertone are seared into my sub-conscience after reading that masterwork. Were you at all influenced by it, possibly one of the film adaptations maybe? I know it’s an obvious reference but any content of this nature automatically spring the said text to my mind.

JOE
You know on second thought, maybe I
should go.

-- Yeah, don't they always say that. They're are about to bail out, get off the hook before their twisted urges eventually win them over and they breach that threshold. I remember one guy was practically back in his car, paranoid as fu?k, before the girl gradually persuaded him to come back. Man, was he stung when that presenter appeared.

I love the username and the beep monologue (for want of a better description) rehearsing that would take up half the production schedule alone.

"Joe stops crying and pays attention to CHARLES" -- No need to capitalise Charles's name here, only on first introduction.

A good little sketch here, well written, the dialogue read and flowed well which was essential as the majority of it is really just a back and forth conversation between two people. Some great lines in here worked around a daring, clever and contradictory (the smart intentional type of contradiction of course) concept which kept the whole thing going. Classic closing line too.

Good job

Col.


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tonkatough
Posted: November 20th, 2009, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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Oh jesus, the punch line to this made me laugh hard. As soon as it was revealed it was all a prank and everyone is all smiles and having a chuckle I was like: "what the f***? This guy just responded to an under age girl invite for sex. Do they not realise this?" But then BOOM! punchline and you got me. Good stuff.

What I didn't like was the dialouge for Joe. For someone who was caught with his hand in the kiddie's jar, he was kind of calm and relaxed like it was no big deal. The guy should be in hysterics and that is how his dialouge should have been written.

Plus I thought considering the subject, your approached to this was soft. Your script should have pulled me into a head lock and punched me in the face with dark cyncial aggressive ideas.

A good example of this would be Steve's love letter to swine flu and Sniper's (Rob?) IN YOUR FACE script about "cars that F**king rock."    


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KJLateran
Posted: November 22nd, 2009, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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An interesting idea, Will, and you executed it very well. The comedy is harsh and darkly-tinged, and the perfectly toned punchline saves it from ending as a milksop.

I'd encourage you to try to write more action into your movies. There are pages that have only dialogue on them. I was imagining watching this, and, unless the actors are highly-skilled at subtle facial emotion, it might be a rather boring eight minutes. In fact, I was envisioning this as a radio play. Add some intrigue, add some suspense through the use of revealing things we see along the way, that's my advice. Overall, good work!
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BD
Posted: July 11th, 2011, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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The last line reads:

“everybody in the room suddenly stops laughing”

I didn’t, that’s because I was never laughing in the first place. The attemps at humor (ie, the long username) are too obvious and clichéd. The moment I was finally amused to any degree (by then it was too late anyway) was when the Oops, I crapped my pants, Candid Camera moment happened, and even that’s kind of weak, not only because it's a very familiar gag, but also for its reliance on an overdone, junvenile, South Park mentality of, literally, potty humour. In addition, it’s not even followed up on whether or not he did cr** his pants or not.  Another instance of this type of “humour” is the tasteless male rape joke which probably wouldn’t have been used if we were dealing with female characters. Sorry but this was for the most part not remotely funny to me.   The final "twist" I'm afraid was not enough to redeem it; you could see it coming a mile away anyway.

There are a few mistakes having to do with formatting, such as all capping characters names when there’s no call for it and adding unnecessary rileys indicating a character is interrupted even though we know this already by the use of the dash previously.

Beyond that, all I have to say is this is the first script I read by you. But I certainly hope it’s not your best.
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