The Forgotten Christmas Tape by Brian McCluskey - Short, Dark Thriller - An excited seven year old boy awakes on Christmas Day but soon finds out this is one Christmas he would rather forget. 9 pages - pdf, format

Morbid and nicely executed (a little pun there, ha ha). The punch line is buried in there, so I'll leave it at that. Clever, though.

Impressive and well written. Doesn't mess about and cuts straight to the chase.

Only real let down for me was the initial cops' dialogue which didn't sound real enough in my humble.

Could have made more of 'the sack line', there's a killer response to be had there. PM me as it's a bit rude for here.

Impressive though. Enjoyed it a lot.

RV

Thanks to Don for putting this up.

I wrote this in a day between polishing feature scripts for a change. It started off as a comedy idea about a lost Christmas sex tape then transformed into, well, this. All reads will be returned.  

clorox,

Morbid is good! Thanks for the read.

rendevous,

Glad you enjoyed it as I have a feeling this will not be for everyone. The cops dialogue is quite stiff, I always have a problem with that stuff to be honest. PM sent.

Whoa.  All I can think is how sorry I feel for that little boy.  Well written little tale, Brian.  Those 9 pages read like 4.  Very smooth.  Who knows how cops would talk in any given situation.  

A horrible little terrific story.  

Merry Christmas!  

I've always noticed you on the boards but I think this is the first one of your scripts I've come across.

I enjoyed this one quite alot. Good job on how scene by scene you add another piece to the puzzle until the last scene you have the complete picture.
I had no idea how anything had anything to do with the death of kids parents but you tied it up all neat in the end.

Hey Brian,

I'm really enjoying your work,

This was great- really easy to read, nice and grim with a 'killer' ending.

I agree with Rendevous about the sack line. 'Santa only empties his sack once a year' instantly sprang to mind (it is usually in the gutter though)!

Good work, highly recommended.

Craig

Brian

Great job here, very well crafted story, very assured how you revealed the events bit by bit through the flashbacks. Its greatest asset for me was that I didn't know how it was gonna end until you (I presume) wanted us to. When I saw the rat poison, all the dots joined together. I'm sure others will claim they saw it coming earlier but that’s how it unfolded for me, so it worked brilliantly.

One snag though in terms of plausibility, was believing that the parents would leave their kinky, role playing sex video lying around like that…and in the middle of the bloomin' dvd collection! I know Markus is only 7 but still, very absent minded of them.

Regardless of that, this was a great short, well done.

Col.

Brian,

I've got to say, I absolutely loved this. nice one. I for one didn't see the end coming and was delighted when it was revealed. Very hard to find fault with this.

I think what everyone's trying to say is that you're one sick eff, Brian...  

I saw all the good reviews so I took a look - I was not disappointed!

Of course there's always ways to tighten things in a re-write so I really didn't concentrate on why the DVD was out or the cop's banter, etc.

I loved the reverse story-telling and the comedy of errors plot - in the greatest Greek tragedian sense, of course...

Overall I thought it was brilliant that you could weave that story in just 10 pages.  As everyone said, very well done.

Hi Brian,

Not much to add, just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed this read.  As someone said, it read like 4 pages.  I thought your use of the flashbacks was great.  Hell, I even dug the adult movie portion!

Craig

I thought this one was great, really good story you got here. It all flowed nicely and I had no idea how it was going to end up until the second last page.

The only thought I had is that it could have ended with Markus sitting in the corner, clutching his action figure. I think at this point it is obvious what happened, and I don't know if the final scene is actually necessary. That's just my opinion though.

Otherwise I think everything you did here came off really well and it's one of the better scripts I've read on here in some time.

Cheers,
Tim.

Liked how you told this in reverse so to speak.

It was written well, but I think you can probably find better verbs to use rather than adding a "slowly". You did that quite a few times and became annoying.

I didn't believe Markus would be in the sitting room with the cops as his parents are wheeled out in body bags. He would more likely be somewhere else with an adult.

I agree with a previous reviewer that it seemed a little too sloppy of the parents to keep that dvd with all the rest of them. Would work better IMHO if Markus found it somewhere else in the house.

All in all, you did a good job and I enjoyed reading a story that at least I have never read before...and no need to return the read.  

Whoa! I've been away at work for the past nine hours and come back to all these replies.

I'm actually surprised so many people like this as I had second thoughts after I sent it in, I wished I could turn back time so I could go through it again because it's definitely not for everyone because of the turns it takes.

I'm aware the logline kinda sucks but I couldn't reveal anymore or risk giving the game away early.

A few points brought up. First, the ending. I was aware I could have ended it right after the reveal of the rat poison on the table but eventually added the scene with the parents because I really wanted to end with the words "Merry Christmas". Also, reading the final page first, it would look like a happy ending. A little bit twisted, I know.

Some killer suggestions for the sack line. Thanks to everyone. The current line will be gone in the next draft. Lazy writing there.

The parents leaving the tape lying around is a problem which needs some sort of explanation. I will work on that for sure.

Thanks to everyone for the read. I will return the favour for everyone, 100%.

Brian

Hey Brian

SPOILERS!!!

Well what an opeing page, the joy of christmas and the excitment of the present then...your parents are dead!  That was a shock opening.

One question, do they still draw around bodies?

Anyway, I loved this.  I wasn't sure how the bad Santa was involved until the dvd, it worked really well.  The innocent little boy mistakenly killing his parents, you've just tainted my christmas lol.  I loved how it came together, it wasn't obvious and you slowly lead us down the road to the conclusion.  Good work.

Pia,

I missed your post, we must have posted at the same time. Good spot about the "slowly". I should be able to do better than that.

The DVD being found in the DVD rack will be sorted in the next draft. I have a way of getting around that.

I will be reading your 7WC Christmas scripts when they are posted along with the rest anyway. Thanks for the read!

alffy,

Glad you like it. The first page is kind of depressing and hopefully hits hard.

Draw around bodies? I'm not sure myself. I saw it on an episode of NCIS recently so I just presumed they did. Maybe I'm wrong, I'll need to look into it.

Thanks again for the read.

Nice job with this.  
I think everyone else already noticed the problems I saw, IE the DVD case and dialogue.  It might be nice to push the rat poison revelation back a little, since as soon as you see that the surprise is over.  
That's about it though, couldnt find other fault with this.

Quoted from jackx Nice job with this.   I think everyone else already noticed the problems I saw, IE the DVD case and dialogue.  It might be nice to push the rat poison revelation back a little, since as soon as you see that the surprise is over.   That's about it though, couldnt find other fault with this.

not so sure, since it's all about cookies and milk.

Thanks for the read, jackx.

I'm not sure what you mean by pushing the revelation back a little. There's only a page left after we find this out. I know the last scene with the parents when Markus is asleep is not really needed as everyone is capable of figuring it out as soon as the poison is mentioned, but I like the final scene and think it brings the story full circle with the milk and cookies being in both parents hands. I also like the fact that, if someone accidently hits the "END" key on their keyboard while reading by mistake (like I do a lot), the last page looks like a happy ending, when we all know it's far from it.

I do want to keep the final scene but if more people think it's not needed, I may need to look at it again in the rewrite.

Again, thanks for reading. I will read and review Unpowered at the weekend.

Brian

Hi all,

I thought the statement "Is that a toy in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" would be mentioned.

Ok, maybe that was a bit lame...

From what I recall it was the father that drank the milk (rat poison) and the mother that eat the cookies. Did she drink the milk too? Or was there rat poison in the cookies also?

I like the idea of the parallels the boy experiences between Sharon screaming in the DVD and screaming in the present bacause of the mouse.

Oh, and one last thing. I know it's Christmas Eve but I don't think you mentioned that Edward was dressed as Santa when he kills the mouse...Or maybe I missed that.

Very funny script.

Hey, thanks for checking out Unpowered, much appreciated.  
What I was thinking with the rat poison was to have it revealed in the last scene, like the parents are sitting eating and joking, then the audience sees an empty bottle of poison on the mantle behind them or something.  However, I see what you mean about leaving the last scene entirely happy, so by itself it seems pretty innocuous and innocent.

I could definately see this being filmed in a home video style, very cheap and all, with the kid running around with the camera, and it being left on and forgotten for some parts.  Would work with the title nicely, imo.  
Good luck with the revisions.

24 Grams,

Thanks for checking this out. There's a lot of potential for some funny lines in that sex tape that I seem to have missed. I've had some brilliant suggestions through private messages and such and I will be sure to add in a few more lines and change a few already there.

Markus would have covered the cookies also, just to make sure...

I think the screaming on the dvd followed by Sharon's actual screaming in the next room would be brilliant on film, especially Markus' reaction to it. Boy, he'll need therapy.

The only time Edward is dressed as Santa is in the tape. That's why Markus doesn't recognise him. The rest of the scenes, he would be dressed normal. I hope that clears that up.

Do you have any short scripts up you'd like me to take a look at? I'd be happy to return the read.

jackx,

Thanks for adding more thoughts. I see what you mean with the last scene but I think that may be a little difficult and some might miss it. Having Markus take the poison from the table after his dad tells him to prepare the milk and cookies, well, everyone will work it out there and then.

Good point about the home video angle. A lot would need to be rewritten with that in mind but I do think it could work that way. You've got me thinking now... ha ha.

Thanks for the read everyone.

Brian

Hi Brian,

3rd Christmas script of the day.

Great script, well told and kept my interest throughout.  A quick & easy read.  I have no complaints.  Well, I wouldn't underline words as there's no need.

I tell you a story, once when I was a child I wanted to see a cartoon.  I saw a video labelled Porkies.  Knowing my dad can't speak or write English very well I thought it was porky pig.  I was so wrong.  Your spongebob dvd scene brought that back to me.

Best Xmas script I've read so far.

All the best,


Javier

Hi Brian,

SPOILERS

Poor old Santa, getting blamed again for the misbehaviour of a Santa imposter. It kinda reminded me of Silent Night Deadly Night AKA Black Christmas. But in saying that I’m not saying it’s a rip off or anything. It just reminded me of it.

My favourite scene was when Markus was sitting on Santa's lap and right out of the blue he says "you hurt my mum". That was a creepy scene. I also liked your ending. It seemed very plausible under the circumstances and I also thought you did a good job with the flashbacks and jumping backwards and forwards. It kept the story interesting.
I have no real complaints other than what other people have already said about the DVD being out in the open for him to pick up. Perhaps Markus could catch his parents hiding some of the Xmas presents and then later he stumbles on to the hidden sex DVD while he's snooping around looking for them. However if you did that you’d have to play around a bit with working the poison into the story too.

I look forward to reading the next draft.

Hi Javier,

Good to hear you enjoyed it. Spot on about underlining words, I'll fix that.

Porkies is a good movie. I could imagine being more than a bit confused watching it as a kid.

Thanks for reading. Do you have anything up that you'd like me to return the favour with?

Hi Chris,

Thanks for the read. I've got a good idea of how to work the dvd scene into the redraft to make it more plausible.

Thanks again. Do you have any scripts up? I'd like to return the read.

Brian

I've got a few scripts up, Brian. But they're a bit dated now. I'm overdue to put up something new, so I'll let you know when I do.

Hey, Brian.

Very nicely done. I thought this was a good story and a pretty realistic, scenario. Okay, like others have mention (and you're probably sick of hearing this), the homevideo would most likely not be lying there in the open like that, and I also didn't like the fact that the kid was still in the room when the detectives were talking, but other than that, I thought this was really well done.

I especially liked the Memento-style technique you used here with regards to the storytelling, very skillfully done - it can easily go wrong - here, it didn't.

Keep it up.

Cheers
Rob

Hi Chris,

No problem, give me a PM when you've got something ready.

Hi Rob,

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm pretty sure I know where I'm going when I rewrite this, it's just finding the time to do it. Pleased the reverse storytelling worked for you.

Do you have anything up you'd like me to take a look at?

Brian

Hmm.  Not sure what to say about this one.  It kind of left a bad taste in my mouth.  But that's not necessarily your fault.  The writing was solid, the characters were as developed as they can be for such a short film...I don't know...maybe it was just all the death, santa sex, and poison.     I guess I just wasn't really in the mood for that right now.

I will say this: it did take me by surprise.  I was expecting this really saccharine kind of tale where the kid finds some meaningful tape his dead parents left him or something like that...but what I got was something completely different.

It seems, from reading other comments, you've accomplished your goal and a lot of people dug it, but it just wasn't for me.  Definitely clever though, I'll give you that.

Thanks for posting your thoughts. You're right, it's definitely not for everyone. I think I said in one of my previous posts that I people's opinions would be split as it's not exactly a feel-good Christmas story that people expect to read.

Thanks again for the read. It's very much appreciated.

Brian

As I go:

Hmm!  I didn't write anything.  This was a very quick read with absolutely no glaring problems to distract the reader.

People have already made the points about some logic errors -- the location of the DVD, the kid staying at the crime scene.

I think this is a very solid entertaining, plot-driven short.  I also think you can push it further...

Obviously this is a very dark and very extreme story.  What are you trying to say?

I want to know a bit more about the parents.  Not spend more time with them, just have a couple moments that are a little more revealing as to their family life overall.  Not that you did a bad job with this at all -- I just want to know more, to see you delve deeper into what this family is like.

Again -- what are you trying to say?  The detectives' dialogue falls a little bit flat for me.  They are a wasted opportunity, I think, to explore you story a little bit more thematically.  Let their dialogue carry us through the deeper meanings in the story through subtext.

If there are, to you, deeper meanings.  I hope there are!  I think that if you find and polish what it is you really want to say with this script, you've got something fully deserving of being produced.  I really enjoyed this, and it's the kind of story that does well in festivals.

Thanks for the fun read!

Hi again,

Thanks for reading and posting your thoughts on a Christmas script in June! It's been a while since I've looked at this script, but I will be giving it a polish and fixing the errors mentioned very soon.

What am I trying to say? Sorry to disappoint you, I don't really know what I was trying to say. The story came out of nowhere... I can't remember if I mentioned that I originally planned on writing this as a comedy based on a sex tape because I saw a huge Sexy Santa costume poster on a shop window. I don't know where the dead bodies and poison came from... maybe it was my mood at that time, I honestly can't remember why I changed my plans. I'm delighted with the way it turned out though.

Hopefully the dialogue will improve with more time to work on it. I look back at it now and cringe at the detectives' dialogue.  

I'm happy that you think it's the kind of story that does well in festivals and that you enjoyed it overall. Hopefully with a good rewrite, someone will be interested in making that happen! Send me a PM whenever you post something you'd like me to look at, I'd be happy to. Thanks again for reading!

Brian

Hey Brian,

I think this is pretty well-conceived. The opening scene immediately caught our attention. The alternating scenes between the detectives and Markus were handled well. They are like puzzle pieces and we anticipate for them to come into place.

One thing I don't understand is why Edward told Markus to go to his room when there's mouse? I think using a mouse as a plot device to get Markus seeing the DVD wasn't that clever. You might want to change it to something else.

Who cut out the heads in the picture? I assume it's Markus, but why do it when he only hates Santa. And if Markus's head is also cut out, how do we know it's Markus?

I don't understand the ending. So Markus used the rat poison to poison his parents. His motive wasn't so clear though. I only understand that Markus thinks the Santa hurted his mom, so why will Edward as well?

It's written pretty well, it's a breeze to read, but some character's motivations need to be more fleshed out.

Overall, it's enjoyable and I think with a few re-writes this could be very good.

Herman

Hi Herman,

I'll try my best to answer all your questions. The main reason for using a mouse in the house was to explain the need for a bottle of rodent poison in the house. Being a young boy, Markus doesn't know what it does until he finds out it killed the mouse, thus giving him the idea to use it on "Santa" for 'hurting' his mother. I think if I didn't have the mouse running around the house, the story wouldn't work and the bottle of rodent poison would appear random to the readers who will have no idea why something like that is in the reach of a child in the first place. I could have used a load of other alternatives to get Markus out of the room to watch the DVD but that wasn't the reason at all for using the mouse.

Markus' motive is to kill Santa because he believes he hurt his mother. As he's a young boy, he still believes in Santa Claus. He still leaves out milk and cookies for him when he delivers his presents at Christmas. He doesn't know Santa doesn't exist and certainly doesn't know that his mother and father will drink/eat them as they are the last people he would want to kill. That's why it hits him so hard when he sees the dead bodies at the start.

Markus cut out Santa's head in the picture. I can probably write this part better to avoid confusion. Thanks for pointing that out.

Thanks for reading and I hope I have explained everything. Do you have any scripts posted you would like me to take a look at? I'd like to return the read. Thanks again!

Brian

Ahhh......I wasn't aware of Markus using the poison on the cookie and milk. Now it becomes much clearer.

In my opinion, it was really nice; however, there were some problems from a director's point of view in the sex scene. Who is recording the whole thing? Did they place the camera on a tripod or was it hand held? You wrote V.O. for both Edward and Sharon, which is kind of confusing. If they put a camera on a tripod. both of them should be in the screen. But if it was handheld, one of them should be in the screen. Edward holding the camera sounds kind of difficult for him as he was doing a lot of stuff, but Sharon can't hold the camera because of her position. Therefore, you should decide coz it'll affect the actions of the characters.

Also, the behavior of Sharon and Markus was weird when it came to mouse. I've seen many kids who scream like anything when they see a mouse, but Markus didn't react at all; on the other hand, Sharon's reaction was over-exaggerated. You should change "fuck" to something else when she sees the mouse for the first time. No one says fuck like that. I think "scream" would be perfect, for girls do this most of the time.

I liked the way you put it all together. Both opening and ending were powerful! Good stuff

naviobb,

Big thanks for reading and posting your thoughts. I will try to answer your questions the best I can. The camera is definitely on a tripod, that's the only way it would work. I've always been under the impression that using V.O. with characters on a TV is the right thing to do, as the sound is coming from the television and not the actual character in the room. If I took the V.O. out, it might get confusing. Also, I don't want to 'show' everything Markus sees on the tape. For the explicit parts, his facial reaction would do, while the V.O. will still give the reader a good idea of what's going on. Thanks for pointing this out, I will look into the V.O. part to make sure.

I see where you are coming from about the mouse. I'm not sure. My sister jumps around everywhere when she sees a spider and won't sleep in that room until someone removes it. She's 17. My little cousin is 5, she picks up spiders by the legs. It's hard to tell how anyone would react to any situation, I guess that's what makes us all different in the end. Maybe the F bomb is a bit much, it's something I'll have to think over.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and post. I'm glad you enjoyed it. If you have anything posted you would like me to take a look at, just send me a PM and I'll get right on it.

Brian

Oh, so you used V.O. in that context, now it makes sense, but still, I would recommend you to use O.S. if you are not planning to show their faces during some parts; moreover, add something which points that it's showing on t.v. and not as a main scene in the movie. I hope it makes sense.

Well, I guess every kid is different, but drop the f bomb for sure. I was sitting in my class, and thinking about your script (yeah it's that good!) and one thing came to my mind. Don't you think Markus is too young to think to kill Santa with rat poison? I mean, he's too young to think something like this, or as a matter of fact, even know the consequences of eating poison. That's why they write "keep away from children" on such things, right?

And yeah, I'll tell you when I'll upload my script

Hi again,

I did try to make it as clear as possible when I wanted to show something on the TV. I think I started my action lines like "ON THE TV, Santa does...blah blah blah" but I'll look to see if I can improve on these parts. There's always room for plenty for improvement.

Markus would have no idea what the poison was capable of at a young age. I think I had an action line in there somewhere when Markus walks into the room when Edward is holding the dead mouse about him "looking up at it in wonder and amazement" or something similar. He sees the effect the poison had on the mouse and he works it out himself that the posion is capable of killing. In the new draft, that scene is extended slightly. Markus picks up the small piece of poisoned cheese used to kill the mouse. Edward warns him "Don't touch, you don't want to end up like the mouse, do you?". So yeah, he works it out himself because of the effect the poison had on the mouse but before, he would have had no idea what the bottle of poison was.

Thanks again for commenting. I'll be sure to check out your script when it's posted!

Brian

Yeah, I like the new addition. Now it makes everything clear. Best of luck for the future

Hi Brian.

This was a very good read. Nice visuals and it kept my attention all the way through. I like your style of writing. Nice.

I don't know whether you've considered it but I think this could well be developed into a feature.

Whatever and however, the very best of luck.

Martin.

Hi Martin,

I'm happy you thought it was a very good read.

A feature... I'm not so sure. I think it could work as one story in a series of horrible Christmas stories, but as a standalone feature, I don't think there's enough here to go 90+ pages. I have thought about the series of horrible Christmas stories connected together for one feature, it's something I may do later in the year.

Thanks for reading. Which script of yours would you like me to read? Or should I wait for Pillow Talk?

Brian

Yeah, that'd work. I just think there's a lot more here than a 9 page short. (IMHO)

By the way, "Pillow Talk" is up if you'd care to take a look.

Keep up the great work.

Martin.

I've left some feedback on Pillow talk.

Thanks again for taking the time to read!

Brian

I clicked on your short (a thriller too) to see what kind of mess you might be talking about - very nice story. I mean dark and mind-wrenching story... but so well written and extremely engaging. I read it all in two minutes - couldn't get to the end of it to see what happens next. Not a bit predictable too!

Hey khamanna,

Very pleased that you liked it. Yeah, it's pretty dark and twisted, I love like that. I've done a rewrite but I'm waiting a few weeks then I'll go over it again and see if I've missed anything. That should take care of all the issues mentioned in this thread.

Unfortunately, my 7WC is in a real state but I still think it's salvageable. Thanks a lot for reading, I will give your script "11" a read later on and post my thoughts.

Brian

Hey Brian.

Thought I would dust this one off since the holiday season is upon us.
This is a fun read, lots and lots of nifty imagery here.
It reads like demented sugar plums dancing through my head.

I did have a few sticking points, obviously, the kid would not be at the crime scene.
The mouse idea I don't think was fully realized, I think it could use some touch up.
Like...Mommy's scared, its actually a rat. Better motivation to send kid to his room.
Daddy explains corpse to kid, "It was a bad rat, so I sent it to Heaven."
I think I'd prefer something like that to explain the whole incidental murder thing.
Does that make any sense?
The Santa recognition bothered me, why only get upset in his lap?
The kid knows what Santa looks like, wouldn't he be upset and cause a scene in line?

I thought there was a couple points you could have capitalized on better with the porn.

SHARON (V.O.)
Oh, good! Is it in your sack,
Santa?
SANTA CLAUS (V.O.)
No...it’s in my pants.


I thought for sure you were gonna say, "No...but its right above my sack." LOL


WRIGHT
My kid loves this show.
Detective Nolan looks at him like he’s from another planet.
Detective Wright hits ‘PLAY’ on the DVD player.
6.
A SCREAM from the TV! Detective Wright drops the DVD case,
stares on in shock.


I kinda expected Nolan to say..."Well then your kids need f*ucking therapy, Al."
I know, I'm awful, but its what popped in my head. *hides*

Anyway, this is a real fun read, look forward to more of your stuff!

Cheers!
E.D.

Hi,

Thanks a bunch for reading and posting. Some great suggestions, too.

I actually did a rewrite on this a while back but haven't uploaded the new version yet. It fixes the issues mentioned, but I think I'll go back and make some more changes based on your feedback.

The porn line, ha ha! You have no idea how many suggestions I've had for that one line, on this thread and through PMs. I was so lazy when I wrote that line!

Thanks again for reading. I'll be reading your short and watching/commenting again on Red Sun very soon, the weekend at the latest.

Brian

Brian,

I really enjoyed this script.  The story pulled me in from the beginning, and the more I read, the more I didn't want it to end.  What an interesting ending.  I had a feeling it was who I suspected, but I didn't know how the parents would meet their demise.  Very dark, and horrific tale.  The script read very easy, and was satisfying with each page turn.  Again, I wish it didn't end.  But, like they say, all good things come to an end.  This was truly a dark horror tale.