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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Departure Lounge Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Departure Lounge  (currently 3230 views)
craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Brian,

Damn! Another one that got the ending.

Any sort of feedback is helpful, so don't worry about it.

Let me know if you remember the script that you read which was similar to this- I'd be interested to check it out.

Craiger6-


Quoted from Craiger6
It's a real pleasure IMO to read your stories.  I don't think you missed a beat in your transition from comedy to something a little heavier.

I had no problem with the dialouge and thought it flowed very nicely. I would only suggest a little more BG about families and such this way the ending pops that much more.


That is indeed a compliment. I've really enjoyed the scripts you have on here too.
I see what you mean about having a little more background. It does make sense.

Thanks again to you both for the read,


Craig




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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 12th, 2009, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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Hi CMH!


Quoted from C_M_Hall
I like The Departure Lounge very much, I wish it had been a little longer.  The dialogue works very well, the characters become real very quickly by their interaction.


Glad you liked it CMH. I've had a few comments about adding to it a little, so I'll have a think about it in the future. I'm happy that you thought the characters seemed real, thank you.



Quoted from C_M_Hall
The plot twist also works well, I think, there's enough torque built up by the bits of worry in the men's conversation, the "looking back, looking forward" energy builds up.


Good to see that you think this. Good news.

SPOILERS!


Quoted from C_M_Hall
I don't even think Barry's "well, it (life) was" is needed, he seems to be happy where he is and the sort of instant translation that might go on in his head with the word "life" might be shrugged off, he might say "no complaints", or something.


Great idea, I might use that if permission is granted...


Quoted from C_M_Hall
I wonder if Keith ought to make some brief, even casual mention of having a loving family, or something to suggest he's aware that someone will miss him -- or perhaps be surprised, himself, to come to that realization, as he talks to Barry.


I've had a few comments about this now, and I agree that this would add to the story.


Quoted from C_M_Hall
Like I said, I wished this had been longer, but that's exactly the conclusion the audience should and will come to.


Yes, that is a good sign!


Quoted from C_M_Hall
Anyway, you've done a lot with just a few pages!


Thank you, muchly appreciated.

Thanks for the read and the feedback- it always helps.

I look forward to seeing some more of your things on here in the not-too-distant future.

All the best

Craig


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rendevous
Posted: December 13th, 2009, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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You're getting nearly as prolific as me Craig,

Behave! Next you'll be swearing like a docker and start flirting with anyone who'll put up with it.

I did like this script. I see many think you phoned the end in too early. When I first read it I didn't see it coming. I do think the first draft had more promise though, if I were you I'd look at it again.

Some great pacing here, fast slow, past future present.

Good work. And very good to see you stretching into new territory style and subject wise.

Keep it up fella.

Renders


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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bangston_15
Posted: December 13th, 2009, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, I don't have any feedback to give, but I just want to say that I enjoyed it.

Wait...I take that back. One little thing I would do is change Barry's name. It just didn't sound like an old person, and I doubt very many men were named Barry 70 years ago.

I like the title. It's clever.


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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 1:21am Report to Moderator
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Morning Re,

Cheers for the comments. I'll have a look at the first version again.

It's good you didn't see the end coming though!

Glad you liked it, it was a bit different from that 'Mary' thing that's been occupying all my free time of late.


Craig


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Baltis.
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 1:41am Report to Moderator
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Wrote a short script years ago with this idea to a T... It was called "Wait With Me" And it was about a waiting room, very sterile... One door on the left and one on the right, an an entrance in the front.

A man and a woman were sitting/chatting and kinda flirting with eachother... At the end both doors open and the two are called into them, parting ways.  One was to hell, the other to heaven.  The whole time we eluded to the fact they could never be together and la and bla and la de da.  

So, yeah... Your idea isn't very original as I've seen 3 other stories now very similar to mine even.  Effort, hey... You wrote a five page script. Want a hand shake or a lottery ticket that's already been scratched?
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi Bangston_15,


No worries about no leaving any feedback, glad you enjoyed it though.

Barry has been a popular name in the UK since the early 1900's, so I think the name is quite adequate! Thanks for the read.


Hey Baltis,


Thanks for the read. Much appreciated.


Craig


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tonkatough
Posted: December 17th, 2009, 2:00am Report to Moderator
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Nah, I didn't get into this one. Two old men sitting in an airport having a chit-chat did not get me involved in your script at all. very mundane and ordinary.

However the writing of action and the dialouge was excellent.  


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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 17th, 2009, 6:30am Report to Moderator
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Hi Tonkatough,


Thanks for the read, and your great comments about the writing of action and dialogue. Just one thing though- they weren't in an airport...


Cheers buddy


Craig


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tonkatough
Posted: December 17th, 2009, 11:10pm Report to Moderator
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Depature lounge? isn't that where people sit and wait to board their plane?

Oh man, I just made a goose of myself again didn't I.


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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 19th, 2009, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Mr. Flinstone

I think you done a fairly decent job with this. Although the penny dropped for me by page four I can appreciate that given the setup and twist you were aiming at within the 6 pages, it was always going to be difficult to catch the reader completely by surprise.

Of course, you could've given us no hints but that wouldn't go down too well either, its all about getting that happy medium of exposition whereby when people go back for the second read after been taken by surprise they'll experience the "oh yeah" reaction. Fine tuning that subtley is the key, personally I think you gave a worthy crack at it. Naturally there is always the option of rewriting now that you know, from the comments you've recieved, that you've told us too much too soon.

Other then that, the descriptive was fine, maybe the dialogue could do with a bit of a rethink, came off a small bit banal as a whole, but passable nonethless, the closing line a nice melancholy sweetness too it, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, not a bad job with this.

Col


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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 20th, 2009, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Col,

I think you might be right there- perhaps one hint too many in here.

I'll definitely have a think about re-jigging it slightly if I get chance to.

Thanks for the feedback, it always comes in handy!


Craig


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Cam17
Posted: December 20th, 2009, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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I saw the ending coming right around the middle.  But, I liked the set up of the lounge as purgatory.  I think it would have been a good idea to just include a couple other characters who maybe aren't going to as nice a place as the old men.  Good dialogue and formatting.


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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 21st, 2009, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Cam,


There was another character in the first draft- a young child. I thought it came across a bit awkward though as it left a loose end once it had cut to the hospital scene.

Good idea about having a few people going the other way. They'd have their own waiting room though I think, more like the easyjet lounge than 1st class!

Thanks for the read and your suggestions. I'll check out one of yours over the festive period.

Craig


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James McClung
Posted: January 5th, 2010, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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Checked this out after reading Ren's Next Step and learning that he was "probably" inspired by your script. That said, I'm going to review this straight and make no comparison...

I enjoyed this a lot. I imagine I only expected the ending having read Ren's script first but you did drop some clues. They were subtle but in a good way and extremely well-placed. I thought the chairs were a particularly nice touch. Overall, the transition into the ending was pretty graceful and elegant. A very solid and carefully crafted piece overall.


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