The Departure Lounge by Craig Cooper-Flintstone - Short, Drama - A chance meeting in the Departure Lounge gives two old-timers the opportunity to catch up on events of the past years. 6 pages - pdf, format

Craig,

I respect the effort, however I did see the ending coming.  I would have preferred a bit more meat in the dialogue between Keith and Barry, because without it all we have is the twist.

Also I would tighten up who says what to whom at the end because I'm not sure it's clear from the dialogue "who goes where"?

Pretty good idea - I think it could have been executed a little better?

AJR

Hi Craig

I didn't see the end coming because i was too bored with the conversation between the two geezers. You have an excellent twist though.

****SPOILERxxxx

I love the idea of some mysterious gateway to the afterlife. What i think this story lacks is some mystery woven in the middle. Two old timers, boring. mix it up a little with various characters from different stages of their lives with different perspectives of where they are going.

Great story but i think 6 pages isn't enough to tell it.

Hi AJR

I'm sorry you saw the end coming, I'd tried to put lots of hints, but not make it too obvious.

The dialogue was between 'Keith' and 'Barry' BTW

Thanks for your feedback,

Greatly appreciated.

Craig

You're Craig, aren't you?  

Sorry, typing quickly and late at night - not a good thing.  It's disrespectful of me to get that wrong...

AJR

Hi Hypernaut,



That's really not a good sign if you managed to be bored within 5 pages. Not good at all.

I'm glad you didn't see the end coming though , and that you thought it was an excellent twist.



Thanks for the read and the feedback.

Craig

AJR,

No worries, no need to apologise!

Look forward to seeing more of your stuff on here.

Craig

SPOILERS



Oh crap...the 7WC I'll be posting in about a week has EXACTLY the same idea as this - Limbo as a departure lounge. Granted, the tone is a little different, but the sense of it is exactly the same.

Not accusing you of plagiarism, you understand - just really, really gutted at the coincidence. The script itself was absolutely enjoyable. Maybe I'll be back to offer more constructive advice once I've cheered up!

JonnyBoy,

I can understand you feeling gutted- I would be too. What a bastard!

A complete coincidence I assure you, I promise to give yours a read when it's posted buddy.

Craig

Craig,

I think I know what hypernaut is getting at, and I felt it too - the dialogue wasn't "juiced up" enough.  It was the same dialogue that you hear in a Dr.'s waiting room.

What I think would be a nice touch is if you had them talk about anything but their ailments, and then SHOW us that there in the shape they're in by the description - i.e., he turns to reveal a huge dark spot, or a scar, etc.

I agree it's too short as well - do they have wives? Children?  Draw us in, this way we empathize with the loved ones who will miss them.

Also the title gave me a hint as to where the story was going, as did your description of a "windowless" lounge.  I would move the setting to an airport waiting area and I think you can get the same effect.

AJR

AJR,

That was the feel I was going for- awkward 'waiting room' forced dialogue.

Regarding the ailments, Keith removes his hat to show Barry the effects of his cancer treatment, and they speak about it growing back etc.

The reason I chose to describe it as a windowless lounge was because the one and only time I upgraded to use the 'premium' lounge at an airport, I was surprised that the room was indeed windowless. I just took it for granted that this was the norm.

Cheers again for the feedback, nice one.

Craig

Craig, this the short I read a few weeks ago right?

I thought this was excellent mate.  I never saw the ending coming actually.  I figured there was going to be a punchline but your ending was much stronger.  I also liked the characters sudden change in conversation, I think you did this deliberately?  Keith talks about having a hobby then suddenly how comfy the chair is lol, I love this, it's very natural.  To be honest I thought maybe you were introducing two new characters that perhaps had a few more outings but after your ending I gather not.  Anyway, this was a great super short.  Well done.

I'll admit I knew where this was going when I looked at the title. Not that it's a giveaway, it's just that I've read a short very, very similar before, and it might have been from this site. Right away, on the first page, with both characters being in their 70's, it confirmed my suspicions right there.  

If I hadn't read that script months ago, I would have enjoyed this a lot. I know I enjoyed the one with the similar idea. I can't really comment on anything else apart from your writing, which is looking great and dialogue realistic.

I wish I could be more helpful here.  Now I'm gonna bang my head against a wall until I remember the title of the similar script or it will bug me all weekend.

Brian

Hey Craig,

It's a real pleasure IMO to read your stories.  I don't think you missed a beat in your transition from comedy to something a little heavier.

I had no problem with the dialouge and thought it flowed very nicely. I would only suggest a little more BG about families and such this way the ending pops that much more.

Anyway, great job.

Craig

Quoted from alffy Craig, this the short I read a few weeks ago right?

Evenin' Alffy. Yes it is- with a few changes to the one you read, I think

Quoted from alffy I thought this was excellent mate.  I never saw the ending coming actually.  I figured there was going to be a punchline but your ending was much stronger.

Glad you thought that, buddy. Good on ya. It's a bonus you didn't twig the ending.

Quoted from alffy I also liked the characters sudden change in conversation, I think you did this deliberately?  Keith talks about having a hobby then suddenly how comfy the chair is lol, I love this, it's very natural.

Yeah, I tried to make the dialogue feel a little strained and awkward.


Cheers for the comments, your opinion is always appreciated.

Craig

Hi Brian,

Damn! Another one that got the ending.

Any sort of feedback is helpful, so don't worry about it.

Let me know if you remember the script that you read which was similar to this- I'd be interested to check it out.

Craiger6-

Quoted from Craiger6 It's a real pleasure IMO to read your stories.  I don't think you missed a beat in your transition from comedy to something a little heavier. I had no problem with the dialouge and thought it flowed very nicely. I would only suggest a little more BG about families and such this way the ending pops that much more.

That is indeed a compliment. I've really enjoyed the scripts you have on here too.
I see what you mean about having a little more background. It does make sense.

Thanks again to you both for the read,


Craig

Hi CMH!

Quoted from C_M_Hall I like The Departure Lounge very much, I wish it had been a little longer.  The dialogue works very well, the characters become real very quickly by their interaction.

Glad you liked it CMH. I've had a few comments about adding to it a little, so I'll have a think about it in the future. I'm happy that you thought the characters seemed real, thank you.

Quoted from C_M_Hall The plot twist also works well, I think, there's enough torque built up by the bits of worry in the men's conversation, the "looking back, looking forward" energy builds up.

Good to see that you think this. Good news.

SPOILERS!

Quoted from C_M_Hall I don't even think Barry's "well, it (life) was" is needed, he seems to be happy where he is and the sort of instant translation that might go on in his head with the word "life" might be shrugged off, he might say "no complaints", or something.

Great idea, I might use that if permission is granted...

Quoted from C_M_Hall I wonder if Keith ought to make some brief, even casual mention of having a loving family, or something to suggest he's aware that someone will miss him -- or perhaps be surprised, himself, to come to that realization, as he talks to Barry.

I've had a few comments about this now, and I agree that this would add to the story.

Quoted from C_M_Hall Like I said, I wished this had been longer, but that's exactly the conclusion the audience should and will come to.

Yes, that is a good sign!

Quoted from C_M_Hall Anyway, you've done a lot with just a few pages!

Thank you, muchly appreciated.

Thanks for the read and the feedback- it always helps.

I look forward to seeing some more of your things on here in the not-too-distant future.

All the best

Craig

You're getting nearly as prolific as me Craig,

Behave! Next you'll be swearing like a docker and start flirting with anyone who'll put up with it.

I did like this script. I see many think you phoned the end in too early. When I first read it I didn't see it coming. I do think the first draft had more promise though, if I were you I'd look at it again.

Some great pacing here, fast slow, past future present.

Good work. And very good to see you stretching into new territory style and subject wise.

Keep it up fella.

Renders

Hey, I don't have any feedback to give, but I just want to say that I enjoyed it.

Wait...I take that back. One little thing I would do is change Barry's name. It just didn't sound like an old person, and I doubt very many men were named Barry 70 years ago.

I like the title. It's clever.

Morning Re,

Cheers for the comments. I'll have a look at the first version again.

It's good you didn't see the end coming though!

Glad you liked it, it was a bit different from that 'Mary' thing that's been occupying all my free time of late.


Craig

Wrote a short script years ago with this idea to a T... It was called "Wait With Me" And it was about a waiting room, very sterile... One door on the left and one on the right, an an entrance in the front.

A man and a woman were sitting/chatting and kinda flirting with eachother... At the end both doors open and the two are called into them, parting ways.  One was to hell, the other to heaven.  The whole time we eluded to the fact they could never be together and la and bla and la de da.  

So, yeah... Your idea isn't very original as I've seen 3 other stories now very similar to mine even.  Effort, hey... You wrote a five page script. Want a hand shake or a lottery ticket that's already been scratched?

Hi Bangston_15,


No worries about no leaving any feedback, glad you enjoyed it though.

Barry has been a popular name in the UK since the early 1900's, so I think the name is quite adequate! Thanks for the read.


Hey Baltis,


Thanks for the read. Much appreciated.


Craig

Nah, I didn't get into this one. Two old men sitting in an airport having a chit-chat did not get me involved in your script at all. very mundane and ordinary.

However the writing of action and the dialouge was excellent.  

Hi Tonkatough,


Thanks for the read, and your great comments about the writing of action and dialogue. Just one thing though- they weren't in an airport...


Cheers buddy


Craig

Depature lounge? isn't that where people sit and wait to board their plane?

Oh man, I just made a goose of myself again didn't I.

Mr. Flinstone

I think you done a fairly decent job with this. Although the penny dropped for me by page four I can appreciate that given the setup and twist you were aiming at within the 6 pages, it was always going to be difficult to catch the reader completely by surprise.

Of course, you could've given us no hints but that wouldn't go down too well either, its all about getting that happy medium of exposition whereby when people go back for the second read after been taken by surprise they'll experience the "oh yeah" reaction. Fine tuning that subtley is the key, personally I think you gave a worthy crack at it. Naturally there is always the option of rewriting now that you know, from the comments you've recieved, that you've told us too much too soon.

Other then that, the descriptive was fine, maybe the dialogue could do with a bit of a rethink, came off a small bit banal as a whole, but passable nonethless, the closing line a nice melancholy sweetness too it, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, not a bad job with this.

Col

Hi Col,

I think you might be right there- perhaps one hint too many in here.

I'll definitely have a think about re-jigging it slightly if I get chance to.

Thanks for the feedback, it always comes in handy!


Craig

I saw the ending coming right around the middle.  But, I liked the set up of the lounge as purgatory.  I think it would have been a good idea to just include a couple other characters who maybe aren't going to as nice a place as the old men.  Good dialogue and formatting.

Hi Cam,


There was another character in the first draft- a young child. I thought it came across a bit awkward though as it left a loose end once it had cut to the hospital scene.

Good idea about having a few people going the other way. They'd have their own waiting room though I think, more like the easyjet lounge than 1st class!

Thanks for the read and your suggestions. I'll check out one of yours over the festive period.

Craig

Checked this out after reading Ren's Next Step and learning that he was "probably" inspired by your script. That said, I'm going to review this straight and make no comparison...

I enjoyed this a lot. I imagine I only expected the ending having read Ren's script first but you did drop some clues. They were subtle but in a good way and extremely well-placed. I thought the chairs were a particularly nice touch. Overall, the transition into the ending was pretty graceful and elegant. A very solid and carefully crafted piece overall.

I like how everyone starts off their review noting if they got the ending or not. Balt gets kudos for his imaginative reviewing, as ever.

I liked this, and yes, I got the ending, but that doesn't really matter. To be fair, you are fine tuning your writing, changing styles, trying new things, and as this story is rather slight, it's more about if you successfully achieved your aims, which I assume you did; you also provided a nice read doing so.

The most enjoyable part was the golf swing - very amusing.

Nice job.

Andrew

Morning Andrew,

Quoted from Andrew I liked this, and yes, I got the ending, but that doesn't really matter.

Glad you liked it, Andrew. It doesn't really matter if you got the ending or not, but it certainly helps!

Quoted from AA To be fair, you are fine tuning your writing, changing styles, trying new things, and as this story is rather slight, it's more about if you successfully achieved your aims, which I assume you did; you also provided a nice read doing so.

Thanks, yes you're right there - I decided to try something a little different from the comedy series (Spiritual Connections) that had been taking up all my time recently. The fact that people enjoyed reading it is a bonus.

Quoted from AA The most enjoyable part was the golf swing - very amusing.

There's a group of people at the factory where I work, and whenever they get on to the topic of golf, they can't help but stand up and take an imaginary swing. It used to really irritate me, but I find it quite funny now. These psuedo-golfers were the inspiration for that little touch in the script.

Anyway, thanks for the read and the comments- all greatly appreciated.

Craig

Hi James, sorry- I almost missed your post there.

Quoted from James McClung I enjoyed this a lot.

That's great news James - thanks.

Quoted from James McClung I imagine I only expected the ending having read Ren's script first but you did drop some clues. They were subtle but in a good way and extremely well-placed. I thought the chairs were a particularly nice touch.

I tried to make the hints apparent without being too 'in your face'. Again, I'm glad you thought this way.

Quoted from James McClung Overall, the transition into the ending was pretty graceful and elegant. A very solid and carefully crafted piece overall.

Thank you, James. Really chuffed about those comments. I did have a few more characters in the original draft, but I felt it made it a little cluttered and left too many loose ends. I decided to focus on just one characters transition. Glad you thought it worked.


All the best,

Craig