Hey Janet, thanks for jumping back in.

The scenario you just described here is classic deux es machina...and as I said, I totally understand what it is and why (like in this example) it doesn't work and also why it pisses people off.

BUT...

I don't see it being anything remotely like this though...not even close, actually.  Check this out and tell me what I'm missing or where I'm going wrong.

The entire script is roughly 25 1/2 pages.  Bert's intro and outro are roughly 3 1/2 pages.  So, I've got roughly a 22 page script.

The first portion with Emma runs roughly 14 1/2 pages, or 65%.  Maia's portion runs roughly 7 1/2 pages, or 35%.  Maia's powers are revealed completely about 3 pages later, but there are several little hints once she's intro'd.

For me, what takes place on Page 21 shows that this isn't a deux es machina introduction or ending.  It's when Logan walks into the torture room, and sees Maia wide awake, smiling at him...then, she's the one who says exactly what Logan usually says to his victims, "Mornin' Sunshine."  Then, her powers are slowly revealed, but it's obvious right there that not only is she not in any fear or trouble, she has the upper hand and things are about to go very badly for Logan.

Do you really think this is deux es machina?  Would you really prefer knowing earlier what Maia was?  If so, the entire 2nd setup would be a waste.  And, there'd be no surprise/shock factor when things go down on the next page.

Let me know what you think.  Thanks for playing along.

EDIT - Kevin (thought it was Janet who posted this...OOOPS!!!), I didn't see your post while I was writing mine.  I hear what you're saying and am not opposed to a few lines like that, actually.  It's a good idea.

Hi Jeff -

I agree, Maia's supernatural origin isn't *pure* deux es machina - in that it doesn't happen at the very end, and there's a little bit of foreshadowing.  

But you mention yourself that she comes in only seven-eight pages from the end.  That gives you basically 2/3rds of the script, during which there's no reason to believe that there are supernatural critters in your imagined world.  Just sociopaths.

So it still feels like a "cheat" to me when the gears switch, and Maia's vengeful purpose takes centerstage.

Honestly, I'm not sure how best to incorporate these elements earlier, without giving away too much.  I'm sure it's possible - just nothing's popping up in my brain right now as a suggestion.  But to do so would IMHO make the story more cohesive and the ending more satisfying.

That said, still an easy to read script - as far as scalping, breast mutilating psychopaths go.  

BTW  - for Kevin: you can get vortex killers at Lowes.  They're half off on Wednesday.

I'm not going anywhere near a Lowes; tornado magnet!

Janet, what about my idea of having Maia say something like above. That lets us know in just a few words that she's been around ages(demonic hint) and what she does. She turns the tables on the killer.

I'm sure Jeff has no big plans for this script, so this more just an exercise for us so that gives us ideas for situations like this in the future.

Hey Kev -

I'd still feel that the explanation comes in too late in the game.

But I agree.  This is a fun little script - no need to pick at it overly much.  

Better to sit back and, um, enjoy the scalping...?

The explanation has to come late, doesn't it? I mean, unless we have Maia at the original Packers game, and she does something demonic, like throw a football a couple hundred yards. In other words, he shows her on the hunt, and having some special power.

Hi Kev -

The full explanation definitely has to come late.  Otherwise, whole twist ending gets ruined.

But I just can't get over (for me) the fact that the script seems to happen in two separate worlds.  The first 2/3rds are "real world" - the last 1/3 suddenly jumps into a supernatural dimension that didn't exist before.

But I'd better stop with the critique at this stage.  Or Maia's coming after me.

Cheers to Jeff for putting up with us dissecting the script...

Thanks you two.  I love and good back and forth, especially when it's all constructive!  

Kevin, as I said, I really like your idea of a few lines from Maia, telling of past deeds.

IMO, it, or anything like this, has to come late, since Maia's not intro'd until late, and she's not going to be coming in earlier, either.

As fro Maia...she is what she is, and none of her supernatural powers are hand picked to overcome Logan.  What I mean by this is in response to Janet's comments about deux es machina, and the vortex killer.  It's why I don't see this as that type of scenario at all.  To me, an item, like the vortex killer, or even something so simple as any old regular item a character carries with them always, and may be intro'd early on, is deux es machina.  People think if they set it up early, it's all cool, but IMO, it's far from it, as it's so obvious that it's going to come into play later, and so foolish that it even exists in the first place.

Janet, you just said that you're confused a little over how the first 2/3 seem real and serious, yet the last 1/3 jumps into a different world.  I see what you're saying here for sure, but I don't see how that's a bad thing or an issue.  The tone is the same throughout, which is dark, violent, and unrelenting.  Yes, we are introduced to a supernatural creature in Maia, but again, the entire Soul Shadows series deals with the supernatural, so I don't think it should really come as a surprise.

Here's one of my many crazy little comparisons, and it deals with the remake of The Wolfman.  The movie was supposed to be a horror movie...a violent, bloody, R rated horror movie.  It delivered on the bloody violence, but it killed any possibility of being true horror because of the tonal change in the movie.  IMO, things really fell apart in 2 major scenes...the one where our lovely Wolfman is running all over the building tops, and in the mercifully deleted ballroom scene.  Finally, falling completely on its face when our two lovely Wolfmen go at it in a rock 'em sock 'em fight.  Both scenes came off as downright silly, funny, and goofy to me.  It was a completely different feel and the horror was lost and the movie turned into a bad joke.

To me, Maia's introduction and subsequent dealings play right along with the earlier scene of Logan being the antag, now turned victim.  There's no change in tone or theme, even though Maia is what Maia is.  She teases and taunts Logan, just like he did to his earlier victims.

Anyways, as I said, I really appreciate when people offer their ideas, and I especially appreciate it when those ideas are good ones.

Kevin, I think I will use your ideas and add a few lines from Maia to Logan when she's fucking around with him, so he and everyone else know a little more about what and who she is.

Thanks you guys!

Hey Jeff,

Just read the script, nicely done. Well written. You did a great job with the pace of the story, never felt rushed. The issue with Emma leaving with Logan so quick after they had met didn't bother me. A couple of things- Maybe Emma was a bit intoxicated from drinking throughout the day at the ballgame or maybe she was a lonely girl who finally had a guy who took interest in her and she didn't want the night to end. Reasons I felt could have made her leave with him and possibly she wasn't thinking in the right frame of mind. Loved that you choose Tyler as the alternate name for Logan (Fight Club rules!).

One issue I have is after Logan kills Emma he returns to the same place and meets Maia. I would think that Emma's friends would have notified the police as to what Logan looks like and because Emma's disappearance was now the third kidnapping there would be police patrolling looking for a guy that fits Logan's discription.

All in all fantastic job Jeff. Sick story (but in a good way)

- Dirk

P.S. Thanks again for your help!

Hey Dirk, thanks for reading.  I always liked this one.

Others also questioned the return to the same place, but I'll tell you this - unless you've been to a Packers game, it's hard to imagine.  It's very spread out, starts early, and there's 1,000's of peeps who all look and act the same.  There is always police presence, but it would be impossible to lock such an area down.

Thanks again and best of luck with your new feature!!

Jeff,

I grew up in Ozaukee County, so I felt right at home here.  I superimposed my own sense of the dialect in the dialogue, but I thought it would be humorous if Logan would've overtly displayed a Wisconsin tone in his.  Speaking of which, I thought his dialogue was very twisted and fun along with his actions.

Although cheesy, the story unraveled quickly from point A to B and once inside the house of horrors, it was just flat out demented.  Good job.

The ending works pretty good with the snappy Tales from the Crypt vibe here.  You've executed a fantastic symmetry to this story, but a symmetry that Maia was not fully invested in.  She turned the tables in gruesome fashion, but the matter over mind approach felt out of place.

Shout out to Bert for a great opening and closing with Tanis too, it was a delicious dish.

Great work, I thought this was a fun journey into an original method of boob-worshiping torture.

Johnny

Thanks for digging this one up, John.  As always I appreciate your insight.

This was a fun script to write and I remember very vividly as I worked out the various tortures and Maia's "revenge".

I understand your comments about Maia's actions and dialogue.  I have often considered adding some backstory to her character, but every time I think I should make some additions, I end up deciding to leave it the way it is.

I'm going to start your Loose Screws script shortly and will have feedback up before the end of the day.

Thanks again, bro!

Hey Jeff,
Cracked this one open cause I saw it on the list and I don't think I've read anything of yours other than OWC entries.

Have to say that I didn't quite know what to expect when I did open it, but was pleasantly suprised. I used to love watching 'Tales of the crypt' and things like that, which is exactley how this comes across.

Loved Tanis - excellent opening and closing.

Loved how Logan got his 'just desserts' and how Maia dished it.

After reading this I wanted the next one........when are we going to be seeing this on TV??? (please...I need it....can be my next little TV addiction, lol)

Renee  

Hey Renee, thanks for reading.  Glad you liked it.  This is pretty brutal and I always worry what peeps will say...or think about me.

There was talk of a Soul Shadows 3, or even a new series, but it never got off the ground.  I would love to start a new one up and maybe it's what SS needs to get going again.

Thanks again!

Hey Jeff,

A bit late to the party on this one, but I 'll leave my thoughts.

First off, good job on Tanis by Bert.  I really dig the way that guy writes.

I guess I'll start with my issues first.  There weren't many.  Ok.  Shouldn't the tailgate party be taking place in the Lambeau (sic) Field parking lot and not a K-Mart?  I found that a bit odd, unless you have some insider information that I'm not privy to.

Does Logan realize that his career as a serial killer is probably over after Emma?  I mean, Emma's friends were there too.  I'm sure they could easily ID him if and when they spoke to the cops.  But I guess that's the way it goes in order for the story to work.  Sorry if it seems like I'm nitpicking.  Horror is very subjective!

Now what about Maia?  Where exactly did she come from again?  Okay, she's some sort of protector.  It doesn't work for me really.  Her character and her reason for being just seems like a means to an end.  A device just to give the story its necessary twist, and to make sure Logan gets his just reward.

Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't hate this.  I'll put it to you this way.  The kind of horror I really get off on is the kind that just seems a bit more plausible, if that makes any sense.  It seems you were going for a more Creepshow type of thing here, and if that's the case then I think you've def succeeded.

Your set up was pitch perfect.  You baited the hook very well.

I like your writing style as well.  The visual of Logan trying to catch an errant football is still with me for some reason!  Like I've said in other posts, if I can visualize it while I'm reading then it works for me.  This one had the look and feel of a skilled writer just having a bit of fun.

The gore and violence didn't bother me in the least.  The self scalping thing was very creative, and Logan waving the corpses' arm is great.  

Overall, I did kinda like it really.  It was a fun little tale, just not something that I'd necessarily seek out if I knew it wasn't you who wrote it.

Steve