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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Soulshadows II: Key To My Heart Moderators: bert
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  Author    Soulshadows II: Key To My Heart  (currently 15207 views)
Dreamscale
Posted: December 10th, 2013, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve, thanks for reading and feedback.  Sorry this wasn't for you.  No problem, bro.

As for the tailgate partying, you really have to see it to beleive it and understand it, as it's everywhere.  JUst do a Gogle search if you're interested, and you'll see the K-Mart and Kroll's are 2 of the bigger places to tailgate.

As I've mentioned before, again, if you're not familiar with a Packer's game, you can't understand, but it's a literal sea of green and yellow jerseys, jeans, and cheeseheads.  Everyone's schlammered, everyone looks the same, and everyone is very trusting in WI.

I don't think I made the change on this version (as I couldn't make changes on the PDF itself with the title page), but when Maia shows up a couple weeks later, Logan is driving a different SUV, and I think he's even parked at a different spot.

This is from an anthology much like Creepshow or Tales from the Crypt, so complete beleivability should be tossed out the window.

Again, I appreciate your time and feedback and if I can help with anything on your side, let me know, bro.

Take care.
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DanC
Posted: May 16th, 2015, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Here is the next one.

1.  page 2  You say Tanis is there.  Shouldn't it be TANIS is there (first intro)

2.  Nice tales from the crypt type intro with Tanis.

3.  Page 2, you have the 3 women hopping out of their SUV.  Wouldn't it belong to just one of them?  That reads clunky to me.

4.  You don't describe the girls at all, was that on purpose?

5.  I was told to keep it simple ( you know the KISS thing, keep it simple stupid) and you use Tyler and at other times, you use logan.  I can keep up, but, I've been told some reviewers find that annoying.  Use one or the other.

6.  So far, this reads like a typical horror story.  Missing girls. pretty girl meets writer who is a psychopath (I don't know that yet, but, I'm on page 11).  If I had to guess (and I was wrong before), Tyler is involved in some way, and so are his parents.  

7.  Why would a girl go off anywhere with a strange guy?  I mean, really?  

8.  I was right, he's the bad guy.  But, her 2 friends will know she's missing.

9.  Umm, she'd be dead.  If he glued her hair and cut her neck and the scalping worked on the other 2, she'd be dead.  Here's why.  She was unconscious.  So, her head would move like we all do when we sleep or are knocked out.  Her head would naturally dip and she'd die.  Now, if you had her lying on the ground, her head tilted back so that that section of her head was glued, then I'd buy it much easier.

10.  Page 16, she keeps calling him Tyler.  I think she'd switch and call him Logan by now.  

11.  LOVE the twist with Maia.  Really cool.  

12.  You use the word cunt 3 times.  Not sure you want to use it that many times in such a short story.  It's like the worst thing u can call a woman and some get really offensive when they hear it in movies.  Not talking about feminists either.

13.  I love the torn out face, but, keep in mind that once you do that and the artery is severed that a person will bleed out in under 2 min and I think be unconscious within 60 seconds.  So, you have a limited amount of time.

I'd rather see her torture him in spots that won't lead to death too quickly.  Like freeze his hands with liquid nitro and then break them off.  Or cut them off slowly then freeze em.  Stuff like that.  She's a god right?  Perhaps she can do that naturally.  

14.  You know, this might be morbid, but, what if she kills him with her nipples?  That'd be a first.

15.  I enjoyed it.  Now, you know what's funny, I have a story that is similar in nature.  Biggest difference is, mine is about old people.  So, I hope if (when?) you read it you don't think that I stole this from you.  I have it tentatively titled "Old Man Killer" but, that might change.  He's a person who goes around killing all the people who abuse seniors.  

Can't believe 2 kooky guys came up with similar ideas.  I think we would have been fast friends if we lived close to each other.  hey, wanna take a ride on my boat??  KIdding.

I aint going nowhere near your skiing resort either

Take care bud
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 17th, 2015, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Dan. You're an avid reader, that's for sure.

As always, I'll respond to your feedback.


Quoted from DanC
page 2  You say Tanis is there.  Shouldn't it be TANIS is there (first intro)


As I mentioned when I sent ths to you, Bert was responsible for all the Tanis parts.  In Bert's defense, I'd say that Tanis has already been intro'd in all the other SoulShadow pieces, so he probably just thought it wasn't necessary.


Quoted from DanC
Nice tales from the crypt type intro with Tanis.


Yes, Bert did a great job on writing Tanis and all these intro's.


Quoted from DanC
Page 2, you have the 3 women hopping out of their SUV.  Wouldn't it belong to just one of them?  That reads clunky to me.


I'm sure it does belong to 1 of them, but it's completely unimportant to the script who owns the SUV.


Quoted from DanC
You don't describe the girls at all, was that on purpose?


Well, they're described as all being 25 and wearing Green Bay Packers jerseys, hats, mittens, and jeans.  Since they're all wearing the same items, including hats, their actual physical looks would be hard to differentiate.  But maybe a bigger key here is that basically everyone at these talgate parties are wearing the same things, which makes differentiating anyone very difficult, thus, a serial killer would be hard to describe and/or recognize.


Quoted from DanC
I was told to keep it simple ( you know the KISS thing, keep it simple stupid) and you use Tyler and at other times, you use logan.  I can keep up, but, I've been told some reviewers find that annoying.  Use one or the other.


Well, Logan is intro'd as Logan, because that's his name.  He intro's himself as Tyler, which is his other personality.  It also protects him when the girls say the guy's name was Tyler.

Once he gets the girls back to the killing floor, he intro's himself as Logan, because Logan is the killer, while Tyler is the means to lure his victims in.


Quoted from DanC
So far, this reads like a typical horror story.  Missing girls. pretty girl meets writer who is a psychopath (I don't know that yet, but, I'm on page 11).  If I had to guess (and I was wrong before), Tyler is involved in some way, and so are his parents.  


Yep, that's the setup and it's intended to be obvious, which, IMO, makes the twist all the more effective.  But, as you learned, his parents were not involved, and were actually killed by him years ago.


Quoted from DanC
Why would a girl go off anywhere with a strange guy?  I mean, really?


Happens all the time, bro.  I can't tell you how many "strange" girls have gotten in my car and went wherever I decided to take them.  Luckily, I never killed any of them, though.  


Quoted from DanC
I was right, he's the bad guy.  But, her 2 friends will know she's missing.


Yep, but again, can they describe him?  Do they know his name?  Know his phone number?  Nope...


Quoted from DanC
Umm, she'd be dead.  If he glued her hair and cut her neck and the scalping worked on the other 2, she'd be dead.  Here's why.  She was unconscious.  So, her head would move like we all do when we sleep or are knocked out.  Her head would naturally dip and she'd die.  Now, if you had her lying on the ground, her head tilted back so that that section of her head was glued, then I'd buy it much easier.


LOL...not really.  The "cut" is a tiny incision that will not do anything until major force is applied by her twisting head.  The other girls died for sure, but do you really think it was because they scalped themelves?  All the girls had their breasts completely cut off, and who knows what other cruel tortures he did to them.


Quoted from DanC
Page 16, she keeps calling him Tyler.  I think she'd switch and call him Logan by now.


SHe thinks his name is Tyler.  Tyler was the nice guy, so she's trying to bring him back.  Logan is the killer.  She doesn't want to aknowledge Logan and bring on his cruel ways.


Quoted from DanC
LOVE the twist with Maia.  Really cool.  


Cool.  Glad you did.  I like her too.  She was inspired by a super hot babe at my gym, when I was writing this.


Quoted from DanC
You use the word cunt 3 times.  Not sure you want to use it that many times in such a short story.  It's like the worst thing u can call a woman and some get really offensive when they hear it in movies.  Not talking about feminists either.


Yep, chicks don't dig the C word, but I don't foresee this as being a chick movie, even though the chick, Maia, take out revenge on Logan for all the shit he's pulled on innocent chicks.


Quoted from DanC
I love the torn out face, but, keep in mind that once you do that and the artery is severed that a person will bleed out in under 2 min and I think be unconscious within 60 seconds.  So, you have a limited amount of time.


THis happens on page 23 and the script ends on the top of page 25, so time-wise, we're fine.  But also, understand this is a horror movie and complete reality does not need to be respected.  There are lots of gangster movies in which someone receives what is known as a "Glasgow smile", and lives.  


Quoted from DanC
I'd rather see her torture him in spots that won't lead to death too quickly.  Like freeze his hands with liquid nitro and then break them off.  Or cut them off slowly then freeze em.  Stuff like that.  She's a god right?  Perhaps she can do that naturally.


Well, I don't see what she does to him as torture, really.  Nor was it intnded to be.


Quoted from DanC
You know, this might be morbid, but, what if she kills him with her nipples?  That'd be a first.


Ummm...no.  That would be pretty goofy!  LOL...


Quoted from DanC
I enjoyed it.  Now, you know what's funny, I have a story that is similar in nature.  Biggest difference is, mine is about old people.  So, I hope if (when?) you read it you don't think that I stole this from you.  I have it tentatively titled "Old Man Killer" but, that might change.  He's a person who goes around killing all the people who abuse seniors.  

Can't believe 2 kooky guys came up with similar ideas.  I think we would have been fast friends if we lived close to each other.  hey, wanna take a ride on my boat??  KIdding.


Interesting.  Look forward to reading it.

Thanks again, bro.

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