haha now we're getting really off topic, but i couldnt not respond to this. that pic made me laugh pretty hard. ive never seen one but i always thought it was a funny idea

The twist was pretty good.  I didn't see it coming, mainly because your logline was deliberately deceptive.

TJ Haywood, a decorated US soldier, returns home and recounts the hardships and personal battles he endured to his best friend.

I don't think the decorated US soldier part is necessary.  And, you never actually mention in the script if TJ was a soldier or not.  This might be what rubs some people the wrong way about the subject matter.  

But again, the twist was kind of amusing.

I read the comments before the script, and I have to say, people took this way too seriously. This doesn't seem like a story that needs to be picked apart at all, it's a little story that makes you snicker.

I thought it was humorous, I could certainly see it as a commercial for taking a "REAL vacation" to Carnival cruise or Vegas or something, and it'd be a good commercial. Hell, I could see it as a Super Bowl commercial.

I don't see any inherent issues with it at all, I liked it. Good stuff, James.

Holy crap! To all who have been looking for my thoughts on this short (OK, very short) script I apologize! I just got the email saying the script was up, I haven't been on much recently because of life so I haven't been checking.

That said, thank you all for the reads and the discussion. I had no idea this would prompt such a discussion. I have a few good friends serving in the military and some have shared humorous stories with me about their experiences. I have never taken the armed forces lightly and I support our troops as much as the next American.

To any who may have been offended at my script--I apologize if I used the military as the setup for my joke, but it was only a joke. No offense was meant. It was just part of my setup.

Yes, my logline was intentionally misleading. TJ was a decorated soldier, but to what degree I didn't include because it didn't really matter for the story. It was only a ruse to mislead the reader.

I will try to go through and give responses soon. Again, thanks for the reads and the discussion.

James

James

Mmm, not so hot on this one. I pretty much agree with everything Tim (Trojan) said. Sure, I never saw the twist coming so you got me there but that's because you purposely mislead us with the logline, the photos at the beginning and Brandon mentioning that TJ hasn't changed much in the looks department as if he had been away for a extended period of time…which we find is not true, it was a mere weekend. To me this was cheating.

If you have given us some subtle clue or indication as to where TJ had really gone near the beginning of the piece, something which the reader may only cop on a second read it would work far better.

As it is, you intentionally lead us down a false path before pulling the rug from underneath us. I'm sorry but that doesn't work for me.

It’s a good idea, a funny concept don’t get me wrong. I just feel it could be something better with a more thought out execution.

Best of luck.

Col.

I have to admit your screenplay puzzled me.

Hey, Col. Good to hear from you.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Sure, I never saw the twist coming so you got me there but that's because you purposely mislead us with the logline, the photos at the beginning and Brandon mentioning that TJ hasn't changed much in the looks department as if he had been away for a extended period of time…which we find is not true, it was a mere weekend. To me this was cheating.

Yes, it was all intentional. I hoped it would add to the end gag, for some it did, for some it didn't.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 If you have given us some subtle clue or indication as to where TJ had really gone near the beginning of the piece, something which the reader may only cop on a second read it would work far better. As it is, you intentionally lead us down a false path before pulling the rug from underneath us. I'm sorry but that doesn't work for me. It’s a good idea, a funny concept don’t get me wrong. I just feel it could be something better with a more thought out execution.

Fair enough. The subtle clue at the beginning is a good idea, maybe I'll try to throw that in sometime, though I have to admit I probably won't unless someone wants to film it. Thanks for the read and the comments.

Quoted from Syagrius I have to admit your screenplay puzzled me.

Um, I'm sorry? Or thank you?

James

Hmm.....the twist doesn't match with the stuff on page 1.

In the beginning, everything is fine, you made it look like two guys haven't seen each other for a long time, with TJ just got back from the service. TJ talked about his awful experience and that was okay too.

But then why all the exaggerated dialogue and emotion from TJ if he just got back from a weekend retreat? Sounded like he got raped by his co-workers during that weekend. And then TJ is actually gay? Moreover, his wife, Beth, saw it as very normal.

I'm sorry, but the twist doesn't really work here. And it's not that funny. Maybe it's better to keep the story going about TJ getting back from military service.

Just my $.02.

Herman

Uh, what? The reel break?