The Return by James Redd - Short - TJ Haywood, a decorated US soldier, returns home and recounts the hardships and personal battles he endured to his best friend. 3 pages - pdf, format

Okay...

This genuinely got me.  You had me going until the very last lines and then whammo, curve ball.  I won't say anymore because I don't want to spoil it for anyone.   But this is definitely worth a read.

Great job.

I read this twice and I just don't get it.  Was this meant as a joke?  I expected some serious discussion between TJ and Brandon and was interested in how serious you could make this in three pages.

I'll have to read it again.


Phil

I don't wish to sound overly sensitive regarding our military and the route you took but I am from six years in and have had a few of these conversations with friends (and family) returning home and DEALING WITH THESE FEARS.

I felt is was a bit clever but at the expense of a beer commercial type ending.

I think you really had dialog working in your favor had you kept it on a serious level. Almost like you had been there.

Actually, when I was reading it, I also thought you were going to take an after life type approach. Like they were both dead and one was helping the other to cope.

Shawn.....><

Quoted from Ledbetter Actually, when I was reading it, I also thought you were going to take an after life type approach. Like they were both dead and one was helping the other to cope.

That, actually, would make a great story.


Phil

To me this comes across like a bad sketch from Mad TV. I think you would have been better off taking this story in a serious direction and playing it straight.

But if you go the comedy route you need to have an element of believability in there for it to be funny.

SPOILERS


So he is away on a two day retreat? Fine, but that completely undermines the conversation they have about still looking the same, and keeping his good looks etc.  You might think that is part of what makes it funny, but I would argue this is what ruins it. You overplay it to the point of absurdity and since there is no basis of truth here then the comedy feels forced. That is the problem with a lot of sketches on TV.

I think you could give this a rewrite and find a different way to tell this story (if there is one there) that doesn't just rely on a big build up with a cheap gag as a payoff.

Cheers,
Tim.

James,

It appears as if the gag might've gone over a few peoples heads.  Or maybe it went over mine.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I read it like TJ and Brandon were on a company retreat playing paintball.  True or false?  The paintball schtick is funny, if that's in fact what you were going for.  If not, then you might wanna rework the ending just to clarify.

P.S. - I can see where Ledbetter is coming from.  PTSD isn't too funny when it comes to our brave soldiers.

Quoted from screenrider It appears as if the gag might've gone over a few peoples heads.  Or maybe it went over mine.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I read it like TJ and Brandon were on a company retreat playing paintball.  True or false?

Clearly from the dialogue TJ and Brandon were not together. That's why Brandon is asking TJ all about it.

Quoted Text The paintball schtick is funny, if that's in fact what you were going for.  If not, then you might wanna rework the ending just to clarify.

Whether it is paintball or something else, that is the gag. But it has been done a zillion times before. Exaggerating a trivial event way out of proportion to lead us in one direction and then shock us with the gag at the end. But the problem is the characters' actions are completely outside of reality for the actual event that it cheapens the humor. If I can't buy the premise or believe the characters are behaving in a way that is real, then ultimately I fail to identify with it and laugh at it.

Cheers,
Tim.

i think the problem with this script is that is goes way too serious and way too deep for way too long. i think you should make the wartime dialogue a little bit lighter and definitely shorten its duration. when people start caring about the characters (as a few on this forum did) and start becoming intrigued in what they have to say - well it feels like a punch in the balls when the gag comes. they almost feel as though they were led on.

also, i think the ending could be a bit clearer considering a few people didnt get it. myself, i thought i knew what happened but i wasnt 100% sure until i read other people's comments.

oh and PTSD is a very touchy subject. i like to think that no subject is taboo...but thats one where i wont even go (just because it invokes an immediate negative response no matter how funny/clever the script is)

Quoted from Trojan Clearly from the dialogue TJ and Brandon were not together. That's why Brandon is asking TJ all about it.

You're absolutely right, Trojan.  I had to go back and read it again.   But I still think the paintball gag would be funny.  Different strokes for different folks I guess.

Quoted from albinopenguin it feels like a punch in the balls when the gag comes. they almost feel as though they were led on.

I'm not trying to be a smart-a**, Albino, but isn't this what you could consider a "big twist?"   For me that's what storytelling's all about.   I'll be curious to hear what the Author actually had in mind for this one.

I didn't see the ending coming and I admit, I was surprised.  Some may find the subject matter a little touchy, and I admit, I don't think I would write something like this, but to each his own.  I will defend our troops to my last breath, and their sacrifice should not be taken lightly, but then again, it's that very sacrifice that allows you, me, and all the rest of us to come on here and share our little stories.  

As far as the story itself, I def got a little chuckle out of the ending.  When I was about halfway through I was wondering how you were going to pull this off in only three pages.  

Couple of things:

Seem to be missing a (cont'd) for Brandon on page one.

I'd also think about breaking up some of TJ's dialouge with a little action sequences.

All in all, like I said, I had a chuckle at it.  Good luck.

Craig

Quoted Text I'm not trying to be a smart-a**, Albino, but isn't this what you could consider a "big twist?"

not when the twist isnt all that clever. if there's a big payoff at the end, then we feel like it was worth reading. when there isnt, we just feel suckered.

for example

the sixth sense- awesome twist ending that made us all go "holy shit i cant believe i didnt see that coming"

the village- awful twist ending that made us walk out of the theatre grumbling and complaining (because we knew M Night was laughing all the way to the bank)

Quoted from albinopenguin not when the twist isnt all that clever. if there's a big payoff at the end, then we feel like it was worth reading. when there isnt, we just feel suckered.

Aw c'mon, Albino...why so serious?   I guess we'll just have to agree that we disagree on this one.  Won't be the last time.  

It'd be nice if the Author of this script chimed in.  Hey, dude!...are you out here?  What was TJ doing that traumatized him so much?  

haha i really wasnt being all that serious. forum replies, just like text messaging, do not convey intentions or tone of voice unfortunately. and yes, it wont be the last time haha i like you screenrider, you keep me in check

and ill second the notion that i want the author to stop on by and say a few words

Quoted from albinopenguin haha, i like you screenrider, you keep me in check

I like you too.


Awwwww.

haha now we're getting really off topic, but i couldnt not respond to this. that pic made me laugh pretty hard. ive never seen one but i always thought it was a funny idea

The twist was pretty good.  I didn't see it coming, mainly because your logline was deliberately deceptive.

TJ Haywood, a decorated US soldier, returns home and recounts the hardships and personal battles he endured to his best friend.

I don't think the decorated US soldier part is necessary.  And, you never actually mention in the script if TJ was a soldier or not.  This might be what rubs some people the wrong way about the subject matter.  

But again, the twist was kind of amusing.

I read the comments before the script, and I have to say, people took this way too seriously. This doesn't seem like a story that needs to be picked apart at all, it's a little story that makes you snicker.

I thought it was humorous, I could certainly see it as a commercial for taking a "REAL vacation" to Carnival cruise or Vegas or something, and it'd be a good commercial. Hell, I could see it as a Super Bowl commercial.

I don't see any inherent issues with it at all, I liked it. Good stuff, James.

Holy crap! To all who have been looking for my thoughts on this short (OK, very short) script I apologize! I just got the email saying the script was up, I haven't been on much recently because of life so I haven't been checking.

That said, thank you all for the reads and the discussion. I had no idea this would prompt such a discussion. I have a few good friends serving in the military and some have shared humorous stories with me about their experiences. I have never taken the armed forces lightly and I support our troops as much as the next American.

To any who may have been offended at my script--I apologize if I used the military as the setup for my joke, but it was only a joke. No offense was meant. It was just part of my setup.

Yes, my logline was intentionally misleading. TJ was a decorated soldier, but to what degree I didn't include because it didn't really matter for the story. It was only a ruse to mislead the reader.

I will try to go through and give responses soon. Again, thanks for the reads and the discussion.

James

James

Mmm, not so hot on this one. I pretty much agree with everything Tim (Trojan) said. Sure, I never saw the twist coming so you got me there but that's because you purposely mislead us with the logline, the photos at the beginning and Brandon mentioning that TJ hasn't changed much in the looks department as if he had been away for a extended period of time…which we find is not true, it was a mere weekend. To me this was cheating.

If you have given us some subtle clue or indication as to where TJ had really gone near the beginning of the piece, something which the reader may only cop on a second read it would work far better.

As it is, you intentionally lead us down a false path before pulling the rug from underneath us. I'm sorry but that doesn't work for me.

It’s a good idea, a funny concept don’t get me wrong. I just feel it could be something better with a more thought out execution.

Best of luck.

Col.

I have to admit your screenplay puzzled me.

Hey, Col. Good to hear from you.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Sure, I never saw the twist coming so you got me there but that's because you purposely mislead us with the logline, the photos at the beginning and Brandon mentioning that TJ hasn't changed much in the looks department as if he had been away for a extended period of time…which we find is not true, it was a mere weekend. To me this was cheating.

Yes, it was all intentional. I hoped it would add to the end gag, for some it did, for some it didn't.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 If you have given us some subtle clue or indication as to where TJ had really gone near the beginning of the piece, something which the reader may only cop on a second read it would work far better. As it is, you intentionally lead us down a false path before pulling the rug from underneath us. I'm sorry but that doesn't work for me. It’s a good idea, a funny concept don’t get me wrong. I just feel it could be something better with a more thought out execution.

Fair enough. The subtle clue at the beginning is a good idea, maybe I'll try to throw that in sometime, though I have to admit I probably won't unless someone wants to film it. Thanks for the read and the comments.

Quoted from Syagrius I have to admit your screenplay puzzled me.

Um, I'm sorry? Or thank you?

James

Hmm.....the twist doesn't match with the stuff on page 1.

In the beginning, everything is fine, you made it look like two guys haven't seen each other for a long time, with TJ just got back from the service. TJ talked about his awful experience and that was okay too.

But then why all the exaggerated dialogue and emotion from TJ if he just got back from a weekend retreat? Sounded like he got raped by his co-workers during that weekend. And then TJ is actually gay? Moreover, his wife, Beth, saw it as very normal.

I'm sorry, but the twist doesn't really work here. And it's not that funny. Maybe it's better to keep the story going about TJ getting back from military service.

Just my $.02.

Herman

Uh, what? The reel break?