SimplyScripts
Discussion Board
Home - Movie Scripts - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 23rd, 2014, 4:48pm
Please login or register.
Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the rules that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone.

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month

Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. The screenplays may not be used without the expressed written permission of the author.

The 2014 1+6 Week Challenge scripts are due Friday, August 15th at 11:59 pm e.d.t.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Elenore Jaspers' Rose Garden Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
HenryChristner and 5 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Elenore Jaspers' Rose Garden  (currently 380 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: April 10th, 2010, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
9516
Posts Per Day
1.93
Elenore Jaspers' Rose Garden by Jason Earle Helgerson (TattooGigolo) - Short, Thriller - A small town college reporter searches for the secret to Elenore Jaspers' Rose Garden. 7 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.



No matter where you go, there you are.
--Buckaroo Bonzai
Logged Online
Site Private Message AIM YIM
dogglebe
Posted: April 10th, 2010, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
Blue


I'm seeing red right now!

Location
on the couch
Posts
8324
Posts Per Day
2.89
I thought this was a well-written piece.  It was quickly read and digested, the right length.  Characterization was good for a short.  My only problem with was the story, itself.  The secret was painfully obvious; I guessed it before I opened the file.

I'll look for more of your work.


Phil


The Devil's Jokebook  
An ancient relic disappears.  And Heaven and Hell will fight to get it back.


Finalist, Shriekfest Horror Film Festival screenplay competition.
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 8
jwent6688
Posted: April 10th, 2010, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


DOUBLE SPACE YOUR FRIGGIN' SLUGS!!!

Posts
1775
Posts Per Day
0.84
pg. 4 you capped Organic?

Seemed like Jarrod wanted to talk to Denny. Then it all changed and he asked him to leave. Didn't see why. I know he's got a dirty secret so I'm surprised he let him in period. You should change it to seem like he's already hip to the ashes. He corners him and Jarrod makes him leave. IMO.

The confrontation was a bit long. I think the audience got what was going on. No need to explain it all. I would trim it some.
Also, find it hard to believe this reporter would sneak into his yard at night just to find the reasons he wins the the rose competition each year. Lest he was already onto him per me suggestion.

I didn't get it as fast as Phil did, but bye page 2 I was keen.

All in all, This read very well. Good visuals and dialogue. I liked it.

above averag IMO.


James


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 8
TattooGigolo
Posted: April 11th, 2010, 1:26am Report to Moderator
Red



Location
Minneapolis, MN
Posts
17
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thanks guys.

@dogglebe  It wasn't my intention for the story to hinge on the secret. It was more about the lengths Jarrod was willing to go to both keep it a secret and to keep up the garden as his only remembrance of his wife.

@jwent6688  As someone who takes pride in his wife's (now his) garden Jarrod likes the attention - as long as it's on his terms. Things go south when Denny takes interest in his workshop and brings up his wife's passing.

I agree it seems a bit abrupt. Perhaps I can have Denny make a joke about using ashes without realizing that really is the case thus cutting the conversation short.

As for the reporter coming back at night... the way I see it is that it's a small town college paper. He was on assignment and needs to get his story one way or another. I doubt he'd think he'd run into too much trouble from the old man. Maybe it seems clearer in my head since I am familiar with the characters and their motivations etc.

Thanks for the advice, I'll keep it in mind for future writings.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 8
harrietb
Posted: April 11th, 2010, 1:57am Report to Moderator
Red



Posts
89
Posts Per Day
0.05
I thought this was a terrific piece of writing. Okay, I could see where this was gong but, the thing is, I really enjoyed the journey. Nice style, and clearly written, with good description.

Best,

H


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 8
TheRichcraft
Posted: April 11th, 2010, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Posts
250
Posts Per Day
0.16
I'm assuming Mrs. Jaspers was cremated, which allowed her heart to be thrown into her garden's work.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 8
jwent6688
Posted: April 11th, 2010, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


DOUBLE SPACE YOUR FRIGGIN' SLUGS!!!

Posts
1775
Posts Per Day
0.84

Quoted from TheRichcraft
I'm assuming Mrs. Jaspers was cremated, which allowed her heart to be thrown into her garden's work.



That'll do pig. That'll do.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 8
TattooGigolo
Posted: April 12th, 2010, 4:55am Report to Moderator
Red



Location
Minneapolis, MN
Posts
17
Posts Per Day
0.01

Quoted from TheRichcraft
I'm assuming Mrs. Jaspers was cremated, which allowed her heart to be thrown into her garden's work.


Hence the urn/obituary in the opening shot.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 8
Forgive
Posted: April 13th, 2010, 7:58am Report to Moderator
Yellow


I am James Bond.

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1436
Posts Per Day
0.91
I agree that the clarity of the writing style was very good, but maybe the ideas, and how they became manifest needed a little more.

Maybe the point at which the reporter notices the workshop needs a little emphasis - at present when Denny points out the workshop, they are interupted by Sarah, which takes attention away from that moment and removes any dramatic impact it must have.

Maybe it's possible that when the reporter sneaks into the workshop that he is on his way home - I thought it was a little odd that he came back - but if your motivation is (perceived as being) weak, but the opportunity is available, then your justification is better.

Hope this helps.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 8
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short  [ previous | next ] Switch to:

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006