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pg 29 LUCAS I’m sorry... I didn’t want to... I had no choice... I know that doesn’t make it right... I know deserve this...
The only typo that stood out. Good work writing clean...
I liked the obstacle that Lucas faced. Out of work, Needing money. Though it was tough for me to believe his wife would be concert to this. Maybe if they had hungry children as well??? Really pin him against a wall to do this.
His inner struggle with whether or not he was a good person was nice to watch.
The teeming maggots... Nice touch. Loved the earthy grave atmosphere she created wherever she went.
The ending threw me a bit... Living eyes, Smithy spearing him with his hand eventhough you wrote lucas is a ghost?
And where the money came from... They collected jewels, not cash from what I read. Did Lucas run to the bank before he died??
regardless, good work here. Good tension, some unique, creepy scenes. and again, a very clean write.
pg 29 LUCAS I’m sorry... I didn’t want to... I had no choice... I know that doesn’t make it right... I know deserve this...
Goddamn it! Someone else had mentioned this before. I assumed they meant the "I" before know so when I went to check it, I thought I'd already corrected it and forgotten. So thanks! I was pretty certain that I'd corrected every typo there was.
Though it was tough for me to believe his wife would be concert to this. Maybe if they had hungry children as well??? Really pin him against a wall to do this.
Keep in mind, Mel is under the impression that Lucas is robbing an antique store, not a graveyard. Still a problem? Eh... I figured they were at their wits' end at this point. I'll give it some thought.
The teeming maggots... Nice touch. Loved the earthy grave atmosphere she created wherever she went.
The ending threw me a bit... Living eyes, Smithy spearing him with his hand eventhough you wrote lucas is a ghost?
And where the money came from... They collected jewels, not cash from what I read. Did Lucas run to the bank before he died??
I wanted the ghosts in the script to be more corporeal than most. Obviously, it's apparent in the maggot motif. That said, I figured Lucas and Smithy both being ghosts at the end, they could affect each other physically. I didn't think it was too much of a stretch given that Phyllis killed both of them is what could be construed as grisly fashion.
As for the money, I figured it was from the client's apartment. There was a safe around, obviously. I didn't give much thought as to the logic of this but considered the possibility that Phyllis's ghost let him do one last thing before dragging him back to the graveyard. That's not what you should believe happened. I figured I'd leave it open. That's just the answer I'll provide for the time being.
I wanted the ghosts in the script to be more corporeal than most. Obviously, it's apparent in the maggot motif. That said, I figured Lucas and Smithy both being ghosts at the end, they could affect each other physically. I didn't think it was too much of a stretch given that Phyllis killed both of them is what could be construed as grisly fashion.
Little disagreement... You showed us ghosts affecting the living with Phyllis, not ghosts affecting ghosts. Entirely different sphere IMO.
And this is how beer affects me... losing my marbles a bit i think...
Good work, i'll drop the argument. It is after all, fiction.
Good work, i'll drop the argument. It is after all, fiction.
Haha! No need to do that. The "it's just a movie" card is designated for writers who don't want to (can't) explain the oddities of their scripts to the people who sniff them out. There's always some leeway though, I suppose.
Anyway, I figured ghosts affecting ghosts would be less of a stretch than ghosts affecting the living but that's just me. And Peter Jackson, I guess. The Frighteners' ghosts were a little... meatier than most. Mine are even meatier!
Just read this. I gotta say I found myself enthralled with Lucas' plight enough to keep me reading. I was actually enjoying it until the ghost story came into play. The ending, for me , was far-fetched and a major let down. Personally I think this could've been a great little short without the supernatural aspects. But of course then you'd have to write a whole nother story.
Found a couple typos. Page 4, LUCA, Page 7, minute headphones, I think you mean miniature headphones. Another thing, I didn't like the way Mel talked to Lucas on telephone when he called her. Seems she could've been more compassionate. Also, the use of maggots and earthworms got old real quick. On a positive note, you have a knack for writing realistic dialogue.
Page 4, LUCA, Page 7, minute headphones, I think you mean miniature headphones.
mi·nute 2 (m-nt, -nyt, m-) adj. 1. Exceptionally small; tiny. See Synonyms at small. 2. Beneath notice; insignificant. 3. Characterized by careful scrutiny and close examination: held a minute inspection of the grounds.
mi·nute 2 (m-nt, -nyt, m-) adj. 1. Exceptionally small; tiny. See Synonyms at small. 2. Beneath notice; insignificant. 3. Characterized by careful scrutiny and close examination: held a minute inspection of the grounds.
I liked Red Storm and Complete a lot, so I read this title.
Things I liked:
Dialog Writing style Premise
Things I have questions on:
Robbing antigue stores to robbing graves because Lucas meets Smithy. You do a good job on selling us on Lucas' fall from being a teacher, but I was not feeling much emotion Mel's "Yes, you're a good man" phone conversation. Maybe one more scene with Mel would have sold me. (edit: Maybe Mel could have been a young daughter w/o mom?)
The major amount of screen dialog goes to Smithy (as I remember). Was he the intended lead? I thought Lucas was the protag but he was definitely the second fiddle in this story, esp. when he was "stabbed" in the back at the end.
Not sure why the end played out in an apartment with a secret room. A secret room is usually the stuff you find in a house. Probaby to limit space to run around in. Cost containment?
Smithy knew quite a bit about the client than just a paid grave robber would know. Was Smithy a confidante or just quick to pick up on these things?
Why did the client wait until he was almost in the grave himself to hire Smithy to rob a grave that was within driving distance? It seemed to know it was there?
Also, maggots are okay as evidence that something is coming but really can't do much damage. It's like "Ooh, here come the slugs." I thought the word maggots bordered on overuse. I was glad to see the centipede. I was half way through this and said "Damn, what's with all the maggots?!"
I wasn't clear on what happened in the grave while Lucas was in the truck. Was Smithy enjoying a little necrophilia? How did that play into the death of Smithy? Or was that something we were to read into it ourself?
Why would the ghost of Phyllis show the least bit of leniency towards Lucas? Because he was a good man? Mmm.
The living eyes and ghost-on-ghost violence were abrupt at the end. I am not sure they needed to be there.
The money had to be money. If it was jewels, then Mel would have been cursed. Robbing the Grave II, anyone?
I liked it James, esp. the interplay between Smithy and Lucas in the truck ride to the grave. Just a few questions and comments to help me understand the story.
Just read this. I gotta say I found myself enthralled with Lucas' plight enough to keep me reading. I was actually enjoying it until the ghost story came into play. The ending, for me , was far-fetched and a major let down. Personally I think this could've been a great little short without the supernatural aspects. But of course then you'd have to write a whole nother story.
Found a couple typos. Page 4, LUCA, Page 7, minute headphones, I think you mean miniature headphones. Another thing, I didn't like the way Mel talked to Lucas on telephone when he called her. Seems she could've been more compassionate. Also, the use of maggots and earthworms got old real quick. On a positive note, you have a knack for writing realistic dialogue.
Nice effort. Happy Halloween.
Sorry Michael. Didn't give you an "official" response. Sorry you didn't like the end. It seems some people are having a hard time with it.
I thought about writing this without the supernatural aspects but figured whatever happens after the actual grave robbing wouldn't be nearly as interesting.
The major amount of screen dialog goes to Smithy (as I remember). Was he the intended lead? I thought Lucas was the protag but he was definitely the second fiddle in this story, esp. when he was "stabbed" in the back at the end.
Lucas is the protag. But Smithy's a talker. Maybe I got a little carried away but I quite like some of his rants. The Autopsy monologue, I planned to include from the very beginning. The script was partly inspired by listening to too much Autopsy.
Not sure why the end played out in an apartment with a secret room. A secret room is usually the stuff you find in a house. Probaby to limit space to run around in. Cost containment?
A good point, I suppose. I always wanted the finally to take place in a small area. Maybe a big house would be scarier but I didn't want these guys to have too many places to run to. The hidden chamber's supposed to be small anyway. But yeah. A good point.
Why did the client wait until he was almost in the grave himself to hire Smithy to rob a grave that was within driving distance? It seemed to know it was there?
What else does he have to live for? Besides, we never see the state of him when he's alive. You never know. My own grandparents are reaching their 90s and are still quite lively.
Also, maggots are okay as evidence that something is coming but really can't do much damage. It's like "Ooh, here come the slugs." I thought the word maggots bordered on overuse. I was glad to see the centipede. I was half way through this and said "Damn, what's with all the maggots?!"
I suppose it was a little overdone. But maggots are absolutely vile so I wanted a lot of them around. Also, Phyllis's maggots are of a nasty sort. The kind that can burrow into walls and kill old farts. Originally, it was all maggots so I threw in some worms and centipedes for good measure.
I wasn't clear on what happened in the grave while Lucas was in the truck. Was Smithy enjoying a little necrophilia? How did that play into the death of Smithy? Or was that something we were to read into it ourself?
Something to read into yourself. I'll never say what Smithy does in the grave. In regards to how it plays into Smithy's death, well... Obviously, Smithy has some "affinity" to Phyllis or at least her corpse even though we (and by we, I mean all of you, not me) don't know exactly what. I figured he'd maintain it even in the face of death... He's a really sick guy.
The living eyes and ghost-on-ghost violence were abrupt at the end. I am not sure they needed to be there.
I guess people are having a hard time with the ghosts. I don't know. The original ending was even more so abrupt and the way I've revised it wouldn't be suitable for an ending. Maybe I need to mess around with it a little more.
This was focused more on character than horror. However, people are afraid of many things. It was a very slow build up of the Lucas character.
The ending is debateable. I say keep it. People love a happy ending. I found it funny that Smithy still hangs out with Lucas. These are two very different characters to be still hanging out. lol.
Hope this helps, Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
The ending is debateable. I say keep it. People love a happy ending. I found it funny that Smithy still hangs out with Lucas. These are two very different characters to be still hanging out. lol.
The idea was Lucas is trapped in the graveyard, presumably for eternity... or at least a very, very long time. And what could be worse than being stuck with Smithy? At least as far as Lucas is concerned.
Definitely getting mixed reactions to this one. I might have to rethink the ending. I never intended this to be anything for people to overanalyze. Just a fun, gross, scary, what have you, horror story. Haven't really written one in a while.
well i already gave you my feedback on this one via email (and prior to posting). but i just want to recommend that everyone give this one a read. incredibly well written, great story, and very suspensful....so check it out