Hey Matias,

I don’t have much to add here, as I thought this was very good.  Very imaginative, and it read really quick.   I did have one question below regarding the numbers.

P. 1

“Numbers reflect off Stan’s glasses as he strolls along.”

Just curious here, cause I think this is a really cool visual that you’ve set up, but if they can be seen reflecting off of Stan’s glasses, wouldn’t others be able to see them?

As some others have said, I think this concept has legs and you should consider expanding it.  As Phil mentioned, maybe he falls for Mila and tries to cheat destiny.  I dunno, sure you can come up with something more creative, but this was a really cool idea.  Best of luck.

CR

Quoted from Craiger6 Just curious here, cause I think this is a really cool visual that you’ve set up, but if they can be seen reflecting off of Stan’s glasses, wouldn’t others be able to see them?

Only Stan and Mila can see the numbers, but you're correct, this visual kind of "violates" one of the rules of this world. I was hoping nobody would notice, but you did, didn't you?  

Thanks for the read and comments, Craiger. Much appreciated.

Why don't you turn it into a feature?

Not sure if the concept has enough legs for a feature but, since many posters are suggesting that, I'm not discarding this possibility.

(I'm already working on features based on other ideas, though)

Sure it does, because it's not about the numbers, it's about young Stan Skywalker and his soon to be short lived mentor Obiwan Mila.

And their quest to stop the do-gooder Darth Reaper running around carelessly telling everyone their number.
But we eventually find out he's a tortured soul. A product of horrible circumstances.
Of course, he's Stan's father.

Quoted from Mr.Z Only Stan and Mila can see the numbers, but you're correct, this visual kind of "violates" one of the rules of this world. I was hoping nobody would notice, but you did, didn't you?   Thanks for the read and comments, Craiger. Much appreciated.

Well, I'd keep it in either way, cause' like I said, it's def. a cool visual.

As far as expanding this puppy.  The people demand it!

Intriguing, concise, intelligent and elegant. Inspirational. I wanna write like that!

I smiled at James McClung's sense of frustration. To leave your audience wanting more?
What an accolade!

Thanks for the read and the kind words, cartertaylor. They mean a lot.

Hey Matias.

Enough said I think. Nothing more to add apart from my own thanks for allowing me to read it and congrats on your MP win.

Great story, great work...just great!

Best.

Martin.

I've read it again. You changed it a little and I wonder why. I'd probably like (mildly said) this version just the same but I compared the two (held them both on screen and literary went by page) and think the original one is better. Punchier. Love both, it's just that one is even better
To compare was a good learning by the way!

Glad you enjoyed it, Martin. Thanks for checking this out.

And yeah, I did a quick pass khamanna, touched a few things. Nothing essential. Yet I somehow managed to screw it up a little bit. That takes talent.  

Ive been on this site reading many scripts. This is certainly among the best I have read!

I don't have much to say.

I do wish Stan was a slightly stronger character. I feel you could develop him a little more. Even Mila could be slightly stronger.I really enjoyed this script. It most certainly caught my intention, and warranted several reads. Thanks for providing us with a great story!

You know what would have been cool, to see the conversation with the reaper and Mila. But Mila doesn't know what pattern he sees until he reveals the numbers of days left in her life at the end of their conversation. To go from a conversation with such a high (the meeting of two people who see numbers) to finding out when you are going to die. That'd be very interesting to watch.

But back to my original statement, I love this story! Clearly it has me thinking.