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Thank you for the read. Probably the most concise ,lucid and intelligent critique I've ever received.
This story emanated from a smell germ of an idea and I had to consciously hold it back from diving into a full length feature. I agree there are areas that need to be "anchored" or explored better and that's my next project. Take this to the next level develop the whole Pammy/Dan/internet connection and then see where I am.
Thanks for your help.
My Scripts:
Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.
Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!
The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.
Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.
The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.
Right Dan is a carbuncle on the a**hole of humanity but finds himself in a situation with a woman who genuinely loves her son and husband. He just loves himself.
Yes his capitulation is rushed as I was trying to capture too much in fifteen pages.
With God's will and a following wind i"ll get that right in the feature.
BTW the production meeting was on a Sunday, Dan's off day in which he felt he was going to be canned....hence his childish reaction.
Very best regards and thanks for your most welcome comments.
Martin.
Thank for the read and your most valid comments.
My Scripts:
Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.
Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!
The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.
Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.
The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.
I enjoyed the meaning behind the script but execution wise, it's not quite there. I don't believe in Dan's transformation. He should settle his affair with his wife before he does this. Also, introduce the televison boss and workers early on before the television idea comes into play. Having them appear at the end without establishing is not effective, IMO.
Hope this helps.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Good concept, but it needs to be explored more. Maybe Dan finds out that he has a terminal disease makes him become Pammy's advocate, but he can't save himself for some reason. Thus, he takes the poison. Also, this could explain why he couldn't pay his child support. His health insurance ran out.
Many thanks for the read. Your comment on exploring the concept more is an extremely valid one. The more I read it the more I see the gaping holes that have led me to the conclusion that this might, just might be best served as a feature.
Again thanks for the suggestions and I like them, but Dan is a much more self-serving prig than that and his gambling debts were the cause of his inability to support his kids.
Maybe I skipped over that important point too glibly....which once more brings me back to your initial comment.
Thanks man. I really appreciate it.
Best.
Martin.
My Scripts:
Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.
Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!
The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.
Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.
The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.
Great script. I was immediately hooked within the first couple pages, mostly because of the Dan character. Even though he's kind of a pr*ck in the beginning, I liked him and could empathize with him. I'm not sure what that says about me.
Anyway, I felt that the dialogue was very realistic and funny. The whole story flowed very well. Your choice of words for the action scenes were very good. Very easy to visualize.
If I had to give suggestions, I would say that the story moved along too quickly, but then again, it was only 15 pages. I think this could definitely turn into a richer script if it was expanded and Dan's transformation was more gradual.
Thanks for the read and your positive comments. You really don't know how motivational they are to me.
I totally agree that the story unfolded too rapidly and at some stage I'll explore the possibility of fleshing it out.
Strange you related to Dan....so did I, so God help us both!
I'm not sure if this is the right forum but I've noticed some negative attitudes towards constructive criticism from certain individuals lately.
Now, no one likes to be criticized and I must admit that sometimes after a review I'll sit in the corner sulking.
When I re-visit the comments they are unerringly accurate.
I owe a lot to the guys on this site for helping me to become a better writer (nowhere near the finished product yet but on the way)....so my advice to all and sundry is, don't pass up this great opportunity to improve.
Your fellow writers do not only give technical tips, they get emotionally involved.
Sorry if I'm boring y'all, I'll get off my soap box now.
Best.
Martin.
My Scripts:
Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.
Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!
The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.
Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.
The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.