The Show To Die For by Martin Cox - Short, Drama - A talk show host's guest dies on set and sparks an internet frenzy. 15 pages - pdf, format

I like how by the first page we already know what kind of man Dan is. Good looking on the outside, but a bastard on the in.

"yeah your probably right" Should be you're.

On page 14, when did Dan become a cowboy? He was talking in so much slang. That was strange...

Oh my Gosh!! That completely took me for surprise! Nice... I liked this. It doubt this could really be a show and aired even on the net, but this is a world where it can be, and you did a great job with that.

I can see this being filmed.

Hey JeanPierre.

Thanks for the read and the comments. Your views are revered on these boards so I'm pumped!

I'll look at Dan's dialog and see what I can do with it and if I ever write something without a typo I'll eat my own ass! (Godsakes, I check, re-check...shoot!)

While writing this I thought it could well be developed into a feature with Pammy and Dan's back stories being developed, and running them in parallel. I'd like your comments on that, if you'd be so kind.

Once again, thanks man and have a great Christmas and New Year!.

Best.

Martin.

Martin,

I liked this.

Here are my comments.

You were into the story quickly and cleanly. Over all, it flowed well.

Dan was a stereotype character – deadbeat dad who’s a dick at work until he started acting noble.  I also liked how you made him a ram charging man in dialogue. Very good. The change felt a little forced esp. when he stated to the audience to always take care of the children and he was gambling his kid’s support money.

It was hard for me to reconcile Dan being a dick at work to doing something noble. Or was it a ratings ploy?

The final scene confused me a bit. Dan purposely drank the poisoned cup?  Cool, Lots of overtones there.

I favor giving each main character attributes. Dan’s boss should have something besides his age,

I think this is my fav of your work.

Gary

Hi Gary.

It's Christmas Day morning here. Just got up and saw your review. Thank you so much. One of the best presents ever!

Back to the script.

Yes I agree the change in Dan is a little forced. I was trying to portray Dan as a self-serving egoist, a ratings prostitute, who gradually realizes what an A..hole he really is. But doing that within the confines of a short...well I found it difficult.

The comment about taking care of the kids was to illuminate just how hypocritical Dan is and yes, he did drink the cup on purpose, trying to achieve some kind of soul salvation, redemption.

As I said to Jean-Pierre, I thought this might make a reasonable feature. I guess I'm looking for confirmation from someone a deal better than me. I'd love to hear your comments on that.

Thanks again and have a fantastic Christmas and New Year.

Best.

Martin

Martin,

Good job on this one. Still not my fave of yours. Sorry, Hail The Cabby is still a better gem IMO. I had a problem with Dan's motives to off himself. I always look at news anchor men as smug, self indulgent bastards. He didn't seem to care that he was under the gun with his job or debts.

I like what you're going for here, I just think you need to really pin him down to do what he does in the end.

I like the use of (Cont'd) in someone's dialogue when an action sentence breaks up what they're saying. It's a bit of an eye sore, but a good deal of people skim scripts on dialogue alone. I don't, but this helps keep those readers from having to go back and realize the same character said both blocks. A minute turn off for some that I'd try to avoid.

Karen's opening dialogue? I'm still of the belief the other person on the line should be (V.O.). We've had many arguments. (V.O.) on the telephone seems to be the majority belief.

DAN
Good job my ass! That was so
fucking boring I was sending my own
feet to sleep.

or something like...

DAN
Good job? Exciting as
A fucking insurance seminar!

Just sounded funny to me when i read it out loud. Didn't feel like realistic dialogue.

Anywho, Always read your shorts cause I think you got the talent sire. This one didn't disappoint. Good work.

James

Hey James.

Firstly, a very merry Christmas to you and yours. Have a few on me.

Secondly, thanks for the read (again). I always look forward to your comments.

Anticipation and sometimes trepidation, 'cos you tell it like it is....honest.

I was roundly criticized recently for using (cont'd) in my stuff. I like like using that as a link in the dialogue, but I was told it was "old fashioned, outdated". I'm so happy you think not.

Gonna resume service as normal!

Dan's 'sending his own feet to sleep' is a common phrase in the area of London I'm from.

Gotta get outta this colloquialistic shite!

Thirdly, no one has called me "sire" for.....well never actually.

Seriously though, thank you for your continued support and comments.

Best.

Martin.

Sorry James.

Forgot to say, many congrats on "SO PRETTY". Brilliant!!!!!

Should've won!.

M.

Quoted from chelsea Dan's 'sending his own feet to sleep' is a common phrase in the area of London I'm from.

Was guessing that. But, if you wanna write the stateside, it didn't fit.

Thanks for the congrats. and merry Christmas you daft prick.

James

I think 'daft prick' is much better than 'sire'. More my style.

Gotta go 'cos now you're now sending my feet to sleep.

Get shitfaced!!!

Martin.

Martin,

This is a very interesting concept but I do feel it needs a reworking to get filmed (which I agree with Pierre would be a distinct possibility).

Firstly, I think this script needs some anchoring in the world these characters inhabit. The dialogue and early scenes felt a bit wacky and this jarred with the more traditional sentimentality you delivered as Dan delivers himself redemption at the close. The major sticking point for me was with the internet aspect - the old chap dying being uploaded to the internet was portrayed as a unique opportunity to gain traction for the show, and yet, it's something that content providers are incapable of currently stopping. That jarred with the omnipotence of the internet in its current form and also tapped into my own feeling that you missed an opportunity of interweaving the internet craze we were promised in the tagline.

To me, those are fundamentally important areas that would dramatically improve the script and ultimately allow you to capatalise on a very promising concept.  

Hi Martin,

I read your script and I've got to say I really like the plot. It's very fitting for today's generation where the weirdest things go viral. I just can't help but remember this show I watched on TV or the movies before where there was this guy posting killings on the web and the police had to try to stop the killer. Maybe it was CSI or some random B suspense movie.

Anyway, I digress. I liked the plot. It was original and imaginative, and somehow I felt it could really happen. The only thing I didn't like is that Dan's transformation sort of happened too fast. Clues weren't dropped that he was changing as the story progressed. The end came as a shocker to me. Maybe I didn't read close enough. I'll reread the piece soon enough. But as for the ending, it's a definite winner.

Overall, I enjoyed your piece very well. Hope to read more from you.

*P.S.: Found a tiny error:

PAMMY
Pammy darlin’. Can you be talked
out of this decision?

Isn't that supposed to be DAN?

Just read this. Thought it was okay. I don't think I was quite as impressed as some of the other readers, but don't take me wrong, I didn't think it was bad, just not great.

Dan comes across as a real shallow jerk in the beginning. He gambles and don't pay his child support. He throws a tantrum at work and demands better guests with better questions for the show, but he complains when his boss wants a production meeting and he can't play golf. That doesn't seem to fit at all with the character Dan is at the end when he interviews Pammy and ultimately takes his own life. What was the point with that btw? Why does he want to die all of a sudden? He's an asshole and a jerk, but nowhere did I see any signs of him being suicidal. Did the old man's death have that strong of an effect on him or was it Pammy's situation? Regardless of which one, I think you need to fix Dan's motives here and make them more clear for this to make sense.

I liked the ending. There's just need to be a better reason for it so it doesn't feel like it's coming out of left field.

Hope any of this helps.  

Hi chelsea,

You're a prolific writer here and I didn't even know.

Read your short. Overall I liked it. The idea is really original. And the possibility of it happening is quite believable too I think.

The set up took a really long time - you got to the meat only on page 7 - he was cornered to take the job, right? 7 pages, that's long for me, I almost started loosing interest.

Dan's transformation is a bit magical too, a bit sudden. I think you could foreshadow it somehow, maybe he's sick himself... Also at the beginning of the interview he's a bit rude with his "bad timing, heh?" and a little pretencious. --that made him unsympathetic.

But these are the only things, the story itself - Dan made a big bad man pay the lady and the idea of it is very interesting and fun. I breezed through it in fact, was a fun read overall.

Greetings Martin,

I liked the destination, just not how we got there.
Dan's journey doesn't click for me.
I think if you plug a consistent character into this scenario, it will work great.
Your scene transitions in the middle were very jarring for me.
It prevented a good flow to your pages.
Overall, it's a good read, no technical standout issues for me.
Perhaps Dan did it to get back at his boss or was he genuinely moved.
What did Dan's family get out of it or did he not care?
I should not have these question about you main character.
I like your plot and execution, but Dan doesn't work for me at all.

Thanks for posting. I look forward to seeing where you take this one.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Andrew.

Thank you for the read. Probably the most concise ,lucid and intelligent critique I've ever received.

This story emanated from a smell germ of an idea and I had to consciously hold it back from diving into a full length feature. I agree there are areas that need to be "anchored" or explored better and that's my next project. Take this to the next level  
develop the whole Pammy/Dan/internet connection and then see where I am.

Thanks for your help.

Hey Robb.

Glad you liked the piece and yup! your on the ball with Dan's character turning just a bit too quickly. But I'll fix that, no worries.

Thanks for the spot with Dan and Pammy, I think my eyes were welling up at the time!.

Thanks for your support and motivation.

Very best

Martin.

Hey Me ( or is it Pia)?

Love a lot of your stuff....top drawer!

Back to mine.

Right Dan is a carbuncle on the a**hole of humanity but finds himself in  a situation with a woman who genuinely loves her son and husband. He just loves himself.

Yes his capitulation is rushed as I was trying to capture too much in fifteen pages.

With God's will and a following wind i"ll get that right in the feature.

BTW the production meeting was on a Sunday, Dan's off day in which he felt he was going to be canned....hence his childish reaction.


Very best regards and thanks for your most welcome comments.

Martin.

Thank for the read and your most valid comments.

Hey E.D.

Many thanks for the read.

Your comments about Dan are right on the money. Yessiree Dan ;s goin' in for for some major work in the re-write.

But thanks for your time and support. really appreciate it man.

Very best.

Martin.

Dear Khamanna.

Thank you for your valuable time and supportive comments.

Glad you didn't lose interest. Sometimes a slow hand is better ( so I've been told).

I think we all agree that Dan's epiphany could've/should/ve be handled better but now I know exactly where to take it, thanks to all you guys.

I haven't forgotten about your feature. I'll be kickin' into that one soon.

Very Best.

Martin.

Hi,

I enjoyed the meaning behind the script but execution wise, it's not quite there. I don't believe in Dan's transformation. He should settle his affair with his wife before he does this. Also, introduce the televison boss and workers early on before the television idea comes into play. Having them appear at the end without establishing is not effective, IMO.

Hope this helps.

Gabe  

Hi Mr. Ripley.

I have to be frank here. All the comments lead to the same thing. Lack of characterization build.

Now, I'm certain I've got to develop this.

Thanks for the read, your time  and valued comments.

Best.

Martin.

Good concept, but it needs to be explored more.  Maybe Dan finds out that he has a terminal disease makes him become Pammy's advocate, but he can't save himself for some reason.  Thus, he takes the poison.  Also, this could explain why he couldn't pay his child support.  His health insurance ran out.

Just a suggestion.

Hi Richcraft.

Many thanks for the read. Your comment on exploring the concept more is an extremely valid one. The more I read it the more I see the gaping holes that have led me to the conclusion that this might, just might be best served as a feature.

Again thanks for the suggestions and I like them, but Dan is a much more self-serving prig than that and his gambling debts were the cause of his inability to support his kids.

Maybe I skipped over that important point too glibly....which once more brings me back to your initial comment.

Thanks man. I really appreciate it.

Best.

Martin.

Hi Martin,

Great script.  I was immediately hooked within the first couple pages, mostly because of the Dan character. Even though he's kind of a pr*ck in the beginning, I liked him and could empathize with him. I'm not sure what that says about me.

Anyway, I felt that the dialogue was very realistic and funny. The whole story flowed very well. Your choice of words for the action scenes were very good. Very easy to visualize.

If I had to give suggestions, I would say that the story moved along too quickly, but then again, it was only 15 pages. I think this could definitely turn into a richer script if it was expanded and Dan's transformation was more gradual.

Also, just a couple grammar errors. No big deal.

Hi Gavin.

Thanks for the read and your positive comments. You really don't know how motivational they are to me.

I totally agree that the story unfolded too rapidly and at some stage I'll explore the possibility of fleshing it out.

Strange you related to Dan....so did I, so God help us both!

I'm not sure if this is the right forum but I've noticed some negative attitudes towards constructive criticism from certain individuals lately.

Now, no one likes to be criticized and I must admit that sometimes after a review I'll sit in the corner sulking.

When I re-visit the comments they are unerringly accurate.

I owe a lot to the guys on this site for helping me to become a better writer (nowhere near the finished product yet but on the way)....so my advice to all and sundry is, don't pass up this great opportunity to improve.

Your fellow writers do not only give technical tips, they get emotionally involved.

Sorry if I'm boring y'all, I'll get off my soap box now.

Best.

Martin.