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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  West Side Markets Moderators: bert
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  Author    West Side Markets  (currently 7489 views)
James McClung
Posted: May 9th, 2011, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett,

Checked this out as promised. I must say, having now read everything you've posted here (I think), your writing does have that distinct voice that all committed writers seek within themselves. I've yet to feel, with your work, like I'm reading something I've read 100+ times before. Not to give you a big head, there's many writers here I enjoy for a certain something only they seem to offer, but I do think you deserve a kudos in that regard.

Naturally, this lies in the details. Emily and Matt meeting for the first time. The way they "shake hands..." Very particular. Odd but sweet. It set the tone for the rest of the script. Then, of course, there's the lot battle. The character that kneels down to check the bread. "Sourdough." Again, it speaks of very particular sensibilities. I enjoyed these little details.

Speaking of the lot battle, I find your comments on Robbing the Grave stranger now as this script is much more of a tonal romp than mine is. That said, I didn't take issue with it. I thought the gearing up for battle was strange at first but I made a conscious decision to see it out and I feel it worked.

The only jump that didn't sit well with me was Emily killing her brother. First off, I'm not sure how only one person thought to introduce actual violence into the fight. Second, I have to say the ending, as sweet as it could've been, left a bitter taste in my mouth as the couple's union was essentially legitimized by the fact that Ray is killed. Of course, the fact that he was going to kill Matt justifies Emily's actions but her reaction is so nonchalant. I would've liked more resolution between them at this very moment.

Either that or not kill Ray. It seems like others have suggested this, although I've only skimmed the other comments.

In any case, I liked the update of Romeo & Juliet. I find it strange that you used this particular setting and iconography though. Not that it didn't work but my mind would've never gone to dueling food markets. How'd you come up with this? Seriously?

Anyway, I quite enjoyed this one and I'll be keeping an eye out for your future work.


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 9th, 2011, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Brett, you wanted some feedback from some of SS female members on this one. I guess you don't know me very well, lol! I'm probably the least romantic person on these boards and I hate rom-coms. Having said that, I'd like to think of myself as someone who can read a script regardless of genre and author and be completely unbiased in my comments. So, here goes…

First off, in regards to the single space action lines. They are correctly written, but incorrectly labeled and they are definitely not a montage. A montage is a series of short scenes. What you have here is a SERIES OF SHOTS and in regards to the 1 minute/page thing that is also how those shots will play out. That is why they are spaced like that. If they were lumped together in chunkier action paragraphs you would get a longer film than the page suggests.  At least IMHO!!

Hey Pia,

Thanks so much for taking time out of your schedule to read this.
I appreciate you reading this despite the genre not being of interest.
I've run into that problem in the past, so I doubly thank you for the effort!
I think you're spot on about the montage vs. series of shots thing.
You are the second or third person to point that out to me.
In my most recent work, I made the change, thanks.

Quoted from Grandma Bear

The story itself was okay. I hate to say this, but it's old. I did like the two grocery store idea, but since the story is a classic I knew exactly how it would end which brought it down some as far as interest goes. At least to me. I'm not sure because it's so not me, but I loved Titanic. I think it was because of the rich characters in it. I didn't feel much depth of characterization here though. Maybe that can be worked up some.

I can see how that might detract for you. It's a polarizing point.
For others, the classic trope replayed in a new setting can be fun.
It's true, the battle does ride shotgun over the characters in the second half.
Perhaps I obsess a bit much over my action description.
It's hard for me to restrain that, my mind pictures too many things.

Quoted from Grandma Bear

About the fight. I thought you handled the fight well and it had some interesting and creative props, but I think I would have preferred to see something a little more real. A real fight. Wether it would be a fist fight, arm wrestling or whatever. I know it said rom-com/fantasy, but it felt a little silly to me. Probably most other women would find it cute though.  Didn't quite get what the cooking oil was supposed to do. It seemed they dumped it out on the ground, but it had no effect on anything.

I also hate when women are told to go home and let the guys handle this or that!!! So I hated that Emily was locked up before the fight and also that Ray referred to her as his baby sister. If I was Emily I would knocked him out for that.  

The ending was sweet. No bun intended.

In short, a well told familiar story that you can be proud of and I'm sure most women would like.

Pia  

The battle stems from a childhood fantasy about rival markets.
I thought it would be fun to transform that into a self imposed Valentine OWC.
The cooking oil was to make the Almacs boys slip, causing them to regroup.
I should bring that across better in the action, thanks.

I'm glad you hated that Emily got locked up, mission accomplished.
I thought it would make her escape more effective.
She takes care of her own problems and can't be contained for long.
I wanted Emily to be strong willed and never yield to manly conceits.

Thanks again, if there's something you want eyes on, just ask.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 9th, 2011, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung
Hey Brett,

Checked this out as promised. I must say, having now read everything you've posted here (I think), your writing does have that distinct voice that all committed writers seek within themselves. I've yet to feel, with your work, like I'm reading something I've read 100+ times before. Not to give you a big head, there's many writers here I enjoy for a certain something only they seem to offer, but I do think you deserve a kudos in that regard.

Hey James,

Thanks for the read and the nice words. The ego cookie is might tasty.
And well timed, a little encouragement goes especially a long way today.
I'm glad others enjoy the story, I sure had fun putting it together for folks.

Quoted from James McClung

Naturally, this lies in the details. Emily and Matt meeting for the first time. The way they "shake hands..." Very particular. Odd but sweet. It set the tone for the rest of the script. Then, of course, there's the lot battle. The character that kneels down to check the bread. "Sourdough." Again, it speaks of very particular sensibilities. I enjoyed these little details.

I tried to set the stage for the absurd battle to follow with a breadcrumb trail.
I do believe the devil is in the details with this craft.
Of course, it's only one component, but I find often it's one people latch onto.
A line, an image, a gesture, something that pops in your mind.
It's like a gateway drug and the script is the only "cure", if you will.

Quoted from James McClung

Speaking of the lot battle, I find your comments on Robbing the Grave stranger now as this script is much more of a tonal romp than mine is. That said, I didn't take issue with it. I thought the gearing up for battle was strange at first but I made a conscious decision to see it out and I feel it worked.

It did cross my mind you might say something like this, it's cool, I deserve it.
Perhaps it's that odd aforementioned breadcrumb trail that made this easier to digest.
That off kilter sensibility that helps one suspend disbelief.
I'm looking for it in your story, it's an elusive bugger, a clever detail, etc.
It could be just as simple as a glowing gem and a few words from the client.
It's bizarre how the thinnest thread can sometimes do the heavy lifting for you.

Quoted from James McClung

The only jump that didn't sit well with me was Emily killing her brother. First off, I'm not sure how only one person thought to introduce actual violence into the fight. Second, I have to say the ending, as sweet as it could've been, left a bitter taste in my mouth as the couple's union was essentially legitimized by the fact that Ray is killed. Of course, the fact that he was going to kill Matt justifies Emily's actions but her reaction is so nonchalant. I would've liked more resolution between them at this very moment.

Either that or not kill Ray. It seems like others have suggested this, although I've only skimmed the other comments.

In any case, I liked the update of Romeo & Juliet. I find it strange that you used this particular setting and iconography though. Not that it didn't work but my mind would've never gone to dueling food markets. How'd you come up with this? Seriously?

Anyway, I quite enjoyed this one and I'll be keeping an eye out for your future work.

Actually, I didn't kill Ray.
That's my bad in how it's poorly worded.
Ray charged Matt with the butcher knife.
Emily put herself between her brother and her lover.
The sheer inertia of the blade cuts Emily's hands as she grabs it.
Emily comforts Ray and he slumps from emotional exhaustion, not a wound.
That series of shots needs work, you're not the first to find fault there.

You really want me to pull back the curtain? Ok.
The rival markets is a real life situation from my childhood.
I dreamed once the two markets had these gang fights after hours, like turf wars.
The dream stuck with me for over two decades.
I was looking to write a short outside my wheelhouse and in a new genre.
Valentine's Day was right around the corner, so a self imposed OWC it became.
It's the first thing I've written that's a tad semi-autobiographical.

Thanks for your time, James. Your comments are always valued.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Andrew
Posted: May 17th, 2011, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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Brett,

I'm of one those guys who likes to read clever, witty descriptions as opposed to homogeneous, bland, uninspiring descriptions. You have some good stuff in here and I think I'd quote just a couple.

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT
A fat man walks across the lot and whistles an upbeat tune,
grocery bag in hand.
Overhead lights turn off, one by one. Darkness closes in on
the customer and he stops whistling.
The fat man breaks into a run and fumbles for his keys. He
opens the door and dumps the groceries on the back seat.
Tires squeal as the vehicle exits the lot.

That's a very funny visual and a I'd personally love to direct this element of the scene.

And this description:

A single bread torpedo launches from
the Almacs rear flank.

It just made me laugh. Good stuff.

The early part of the script actually evoked The Majestic for me, which in itself plays on a Capra theme. It was the image of 1950s wholesome America. As Libby says, West Side Story but also Grease kept popping into my head. You pretty expertly wrote the vibe of those worlds onto the page here while owning your own story. That's talent.

I couldn't help but think of the gloriously OTT fight scene of Anchorman with your own here. And in the words of Brian Fantana, this scene... "60% of the time it works, every time."

Good work.


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 26th, 2011, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Andrew
Brett,

I'm of one those guys who likes to read clever, witty descriptions as opposed to homogeneous, bland, uninspiring descriptions. You have some good stuff in here and I think I'd quote just a couple.

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT
A fat man walks across the lot and whistles an upbeat tune,
grocery bag in hand.
Overhead lights turn off, one by one. Darkness closes in on
the customer and he stops whistling.
The fat man breaks into a run and fumbles for his keys. He
opens the door and dumps the groceries on the back seat.
Tires squeal as the vehicle exits the lot.

That's a very funny visual and a I'd personally love to direct this element of the scene.

And this description:

A single bread torpedo launches from
the Almacs rear flank.

It just made me laugh. Good stuff.


Hey Andrew,

My bad for not responding to this sooner.
I've been deep in rewrites all month and this slipped through the cracks.
Thanks so much for pointing out that detail.
I think you're the first to do and it's a crucial beat in my eyes.
The fat man, to me, is the bridge between the romance and the battle.
He represents the move from whimsy into pure fantasy.
He's our guide into the absurd, so I wrote him with that in mind.
I'm thrilled it worked for you, the magic's in the details for me.

Quoted from Andrew

The early part of the script actually evoked The Majestic for me, which in itself plays on a Capra theme. It was the image of 1950s wholesome America. As Libby says, West Side Story but also Grease kept popping into my head. You pretty expertly wrote the vibe of those worlds onto the page here while owning your own story. That's talent.

I couldn't help but think of the gloriously OTT fight scene of Anchorman with your own here. And in the words of Brian Fantana, this scene... "60% of the time it works, every time."

Good work.


I've gotten a generous amount of well regarded titles this story is likened to.
Of course, Romeo & Juliet and West Side Story are obvious.
Other folks have mentioned Amelie and Rebel Without a Cause.
And to add Grease and Anchorman to that list is pretty rad for me, thanks.
I've never tried romance before, this was a self imposed Valentine OWC.
Your words about the little details are truly inspiring.
I put a lot of love into this and I'm pleased it spoke to you.

Regards,
E.D.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 27th, 2011, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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Here's something I thought I'd never say about this script...

It's been optioned.

I granted a UCLA film student the rights to produce West Side Markets.
It will be for their thesis project due May 2012.

She plans to add two musical numbers to the story.
One when Matt and Emily first meet under the sign.
And a second during the parking lot battle.

Once completed, she intends to enter the film into the festival circuit.

I'll keep folks posted as I get more news.
I'd love to see this one make it to the screen, fingers crossed!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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reuel51
Posted: September 27th, 2011, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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That's awesome! This will play great on screen. Definitely keep us posted.


new Ignoble 5 pgs, Shock Drama (could be disturbing)
Faking It 5 pgs MP 2nd place Feb 2011
Consequences 7 pgs Thriller
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 28th, 2011, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from reuel51
That's awesome! This will play great on screen. Definitely keep us posted.


Thanks for the words of encouragement.
Sadly, the UCLA film student dropped the option today.

However, I do get a fair amount of requests for the script.
So, we'll see what the future holds for our supermarket sweethearts!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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mmmarnie
Posted: December 28th, 2011, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Ha!  Loved it!  Had the West Side Story soundtrack playing in my head during the rumble scene.  

I thought this was written well and a very clever idea.  Maybe could be trimmed a little in the first half but other than than it flowed very well.

Too bad the option was dropped.  This would be a lot of fun to watch.  Maybe someone else will be brave enough to try it...


boop
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 30th, 2011, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mmmarnie
Ha!  Loved it!  Had the West Side Story soundtrack playing in my head during the rumble scene.  

I thought this was written well and a very clever idea.  Maybe could be trimmed a little in the first half but other than than it flowed very well.

Too bad the option was dropped.  This would be a lot of fun to watch.  Maybe someone else will be brave enough to try it...


Hey Marnie,

Thanks for dusting off this tale. I'm terribly fond of it.
So, it's great to hear it evoked those West Side Story memories for you.
This story is ripe for a song, should a director want to add to the running time.

I hope someday to see this one get made.
Had hopes that the success of "Glee" might attract a producer.
But that show's luster faded pretty fast.
Still, it was a very rewarding experience to bring this story to the page.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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LC
Posted: December 30th, 2011, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Just noticed this update.

Bummer Brett, 'optioned' then withdrawn.

This is one of my all time fav scripts on SS. I hope someone with sufficient film making cred & expertise finds this one Brett and does justice to the script... and casts it well too, cause that's pivotal.

I'm sure it'll be discovered at some point, just don't sell if off to any Tom, Dick or Harry is my advice. It's a terrific script, would be great to see it made into a terrific film.


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CoopBazinga
Posted: December 31st, 2011, 12:38am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett,

I don’t think I have read anything chessier than the ending of this but I’m guessing that was the intention.

I don’t have much to add really to what has already been mentioned in all the previous posts. This is superbly written IMO, I read through it like a speed train so didn’t even take down any notes which is good.

I thought it was well constructed and didn’t overstay its welcome, just a nice short all round.

Good luck with getting it optioned again.

Good work!

Happy New Year.

Steve
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Just noticed this update.

Bummer Brett, 'optioned' then withdrawn.

This is one of my all time fav scripts on SS. I hope someone with sufficient film making cred & expertise finds this one Brett and does justice to the script... and casts it well too, cause that's pivotal.

I'm sure it'll be discovered at some point, just don't sell if off to any Tom, Dick or Harry is my advice. It's a terrific script, would be great to see it made into a terrific film.


Hey LC!

Thanks for the kind words, I do have a big gooey soft spot for this script.
And I agree that I need to be very diligent about whom I give the option to.
The ULCA student did have a musical backgrounds as well, which helps.

I'm sure there's a good reason why things didn't move forward at this time.
The script's not going anywhere, so I'll keep my hopes up.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Colkurtz8
Posted: January 4th, 2012, 7:18am Report to Moderator
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Brett

Like you’re other works this was very well written and full of interesting, clever ideas and characters. It was a cute story, pretty formulaic in its structure and theme but what elevated it above its seen-it-done-1000-times roots was the comedic central battle sequence in act 2. The care and attention to detail concerning each shop and the associated familial dynamics and feuding between them enriched events and made for a more engaging and amusing read.

The most striking thing about it was the abrupt changes in tone which I’ve touched upon in the notes below. It starts off as a nostalgic look back at an old neighbourhood and the two shops. The flashback in conjunction with the Old Emily speaking indicated a tale of memories and lost love surrounding a particular day in February. The illicit affair of Emily and their competition’s son accentuated this along with the stereotypical over protective older brother.

Gradually, it transforms into a macho war of words confrontation, escalating into a mock battle between both shops complete with jousting before reverting back to the dreamy romanticism in the final pages similar to the opening. It’s like two different films in one, which is not a bad thing, on the contrary I think these moments of gravitas bookend the madcap action rather well.

I presume this was written around Valentine’s Day or maybe for a competition in which it as theme, if so, its seamlessly incorporated into the narrative. As I’ve said already, I think you’re a very strong visual writer and no more so then in that shot of the neon light sparking as Emily and Matt’s kiss. In a more serious script this would be cheesy and overwrought but given the comedy inflection it takes I think it works perfectly.

A sweet, well judged epilogue to finish thing off nicely too.

Well done.


Some notes, typos, grammar, observations, etc.


I would consider putting any writing/print the character or what you want us to read in inverted commas.

“Emily twirls and models the apron.”
“Matt holds Emily by the shoulders and touches her hair.”
“Emily hangs the Almacs apron on the rack and sighs.”

I would look to dropping “and” wherever possible in the prose too, helps the flow of the read. You seem to have a firm grasp on the technical writing aspects though so maybe this is a conscious decision by you to leave them in. It’s a matter of taste really.

MATT
That’s a nice first name.

EMILY
I like your first name too.

-- An odd compliment to give someone but I take it this is because of the family dispute so their last names are almost taboo between them. Is this why they draw attention to their first names? If so, nicely done.

Just read on a see you have elaborated on it. So yeah, nicely done

“The sign goes dark.”

-- Is this because of Ray’s actions with the knife and the fuse box. Has he seen them? It’s left a little unclear as it is.

EMILY
We made a promise to never let our
names get in the way of us.

-- Seems like a moot point to make since they are meeting secretly in Matt’s Senior’s office.

Sorta reminds me a little of Walter Hill’s “The Warriors” where each gang has their own outfits and talk jive to one another when face to face. The exchange between Ray and Matt in the dairy aisle, referring to each other as “Almacs pretty boy” and “Demoula thug” respectively is very reminiscent of this.

RAY
Then we settle it, with a rumble.
Your boys against mine. Tonight.
Winner takes over the parking lot.

-- The above line is something that could come straight out of that film; the meeting place, the word “rumble” and the winner-takes-all territorial prize all ring of sleazy, 70s, Jack Hill-esque exploitative cinema. Love the film and the genre so it’s all good.

The following scene of the fat customer fleeing the darkening shop fronts before you go to a montage of both sides gearing up for war also lent itself to this feel. Although a significant tonal shift from the early tender scenes between Emily and Matt but it still put a smile on my face.

“A chubby Demoula boy takes the bread upside the head.”

-- I dunno if this is a typo or just your way of describing the action but “upside the head” seems a funny way of phrasing it.

RAY
Sourdough! Take cover!

-- Great line.

The fight takes on such a tongue in cheek impression as it progresses that it became more like the parking lot scrap from “Anchorman”. I liked the use of the various supermarket paraphernalia as weapons, some great visuals in there with the pricing guns and trolley jousting.

The introduction of Ray’s blades and sharpening rod jolts us right back to reality.

Col.



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Colkurtz8  -  January 4th, 2012, 7:36am
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TheSecond
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Brett, this was great dude.  Your attention to detail in enviable at every level.  Bravo.
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