Hi Gabriel.

I liked this story but up until the end.
It's finely paced and that's very important. It flows nicely too. Every character has a motivation, except maybe for Max - the villain and I'll touch on that in the review later again.

It's not clear enough for me visually. Not all of it but in parts where it gets complicated. Especially at the beginning, then "the throwing knives" part and the end of it. --I have it all in the notes below.

I think the "dare" tests is pretty original. Just why Max would be doing it?

What is the purpose of Angela in this? She was touching fingers at first, you gave that action in detail (p5 and p6) so I was sure it's leading to something, but what...--I didn't fully understand that part. The way I understood it - she can sense that the other couples don't have troubles and this one does and that's how she knew they are going to suffer for it. - Is that right? I think, a little clearer and that part would be perfect.

I did not understand the ending of it. I don't know what Daniel is there for, if they passed the test, if Max is a real villain...
So, the ending in my opinion is not strong. I also didn't understand it visually - "half man half woman creation" "Elena (she was Elenor) occupies the right" - I form assumptions here but not sure at all.

But overall I think it's fine, just that ending... Plus the test - this is very original and clever, I think. And nice setting!

Notes:

p1 "As the man moves" - which man, the one who said "Move"? Is he a part of the crowd or he is in the air and a part of the twirling object ?

p2 Fireball, flame breathes - this all is happening at the entrance, not even inside. A bit much for me, but if you described the establishment maybe, the surroundings, it wouldn't be perhaps.

p10 "Elenore pats her pants" - that's an interesting piece of action --not sure what for though

p 12 It's all happening on the path to the circus - again I think the most I invision is a parking car lot, maybe you could set is in a country side - that would explain much. Or maybe I missed it and I'm sorry if I did.

Also, their actions/reactions are not that clear/sharp. They are running after Smiley to get the keys - I think you could show them gasp and the sight of the keys in Smiley's hands, maybe holler something like "hey these are my keys" --just a suggestion.

p14 It's hard to buy into Max "walking out with the kids" - somehow everyone is way too calm. Maybe if it happened faster... - I know it happened fast, the door closed behind them suddenly but maybe it could be written as such.

p17 "A sneaker flies and connects..." - I get it the sneaker hit the flame breather in the head. This reads a bit slapstick funny. The sneaker knocks the man (the flame breather) off Daniel - slapstick action.

p18 - "connecting with the flame breather's chin" - he punches the flame breather in the chin, right?

p23 The juggler juggles 8 knives - I don't get why she should be scared of that. Is he supposed to throw the knives at her? Later I learn he does, but that piece is a bit too slow, I think, he's better be throwing almost right away. But almost, I think - I liked the part where they "got it" and Daniel worked the strategy to warn her.

p27 "he freezes in motion" - this is a bit out of blue, and then Daniel kind of understood what it means right away (and I didn't by the way) - did I miss something here? Was someone frozen before Ben?

It's very good, I just think you could rewrite it. Because the structure, the story is there...

Thanks Khamanna,

I'm currently revising this script and you have saved me alot of time right now. lol.

You bring up some good points.

Quoted Text I liked this story but up until the end. It's finely paced and that's very important. It flows nicely too. Every character has a motivation, except maybe for Max - the villain and I'll touch on that in the review later again.

Thanks. Max has an agenda but I guess I need to make more clearer in the story. I have an idea in mind.

Quoted Text It's not clear enough for me visually. Not all of it but in parts where it gets complicated. Especially at the beginning, then "the throwing knives" part and the end of it. --I have it all in the notes below.

I think that's why i hate this script. Because I see it perfectly in my head but can't put it down on paper as I see it. lol. In my revision, i changed the beginning but I might change it again. lol.

Quoted Text I think the "dare" tests is pretty original. Just why Max would be doing it?

I'm going to have to explain this in the rewrite.   Those tests are intended for Max to find his slaves.  

Quoted Text What is the purpose of Angela in this? She was touching fingers at first, you gave that action in detail (p5 and p6) so I was sure it's leading to something, but what...--I didn't fully understand that part. The way I understood it - she can sense that the other couples don't have troubles and this one does and that's how she knew they are going to suffer for it. - Is that right? I think, a little clearer and that part would be perfect.

She's a fortune teller. But unlike using cards, she tells the future by touching people.

Quoted Text I did not understand the ending of it. I don't know what Daniel is there for, if they passed the test, if Max is a real villain... So, the ending in my opinion is not strong. I also didn't understand it visually - "half man half woman creation" "Elena (she was Elenor) occupies the right" - I form assumptions here but not sure at all.

Not sure if you are familiar with the two face character from batman. Google him. And Two Faces scarred half, imagine Elenore occupying that area. Daniel and Elenore are joined together.

Notes:

Quoted Text p1 "As the man moves" - which man, the one who said "Move"? Is he a part of the crowd or he is in the air and a part of the twirling object ?

The one who yelled move.

Quoted Text p2 Fireball, flame breathes - this all is happening at the entrance, not even inside. A bit much for me, but if you described the establishment maybe, the surroundings, it wouldn't be perhaps.

I'm working on this. This has been brought up to my attention.

Quoted Text p10 "Elenore pats her pants" - that's an interesting piece of action --not sure what for though

She's searching for her keys. Prior to that, she was rummaging in her purse.

Quoted Text p 12 It's all happening on the path to the circus - again I think the most I invision is a parking car lot, maybe you could set is in a country side - that would explain much. Or maybe I missed it and I'm sorry if I did.

It's a illegal traveling circus. They don't want to stay stationary or in a area requiring permits or such.

Quoted Text Also, their actions/reactions are not that clear/sharp. They are running after Smiley to get the keys - I think you could show them gasp and the sight of the keys in Smiley's hands, maybe holler something like "hey these are my keys" --just a suggestion.

Noted. Will go into consideration.

Just wanted to explain, Elenore didn't know that her keys were taken until she reached the car. Then I have thinking and asking around to find out where she had the keys. She comes up with the answer but I think I have an idea of how to fix this.

Quoted Text p14 It's hard to buy into Max "walking out with the kids" - somehow everyone is way too calm. Maybe if it happened faster... - I know it happened fast, the door closed behind them suddenly but maybe it could be written as such.

Probably not explained clearly but the kids and the parents were in a hynoptic trance. So when the parents are inside and screaming it's too late.

p17 "A sneaker flies and connects..." - I get it the sneaker hit the flame breather in the head. This reads a bit slapstick funny. The sneaker knocks the man (the flame breather) off Daniel - slapstick action.

Quoted Text p18 - "connecting with the flame breather's chin" - he punches the flame breather in the chin, right?

Yeah. I needed to finish this. lol.

Quoted Text p23 The juggler juggles 8 knives - I don't get why she should be scared of that. Is he supposed to throw the knives at her? Later I learn he does, but that piece is a bit too slow, I think, he's better be throwing almost right away. But almost, I think - I liked the part where they "got it" and Daniel worked the strategy to warn her.

i wanted to create tension so i dragged the scene by having the juggler juggling knives. It serves as a countdown to doom. lol.

Quoted Text p27 "he freezes in motion" - this is a bit out of blue, and then Daniel kind of understood what it means right away (and I didn't by the way) - did I miss something here? Was someone frozen before Ben?

Ben freezes. Daniel assumes Max is going to hurt his son.

Quoted Text It's very good, I just think you could rewrite it. Because the structure, the story is there...

I have a lot of revision to do. lol. Hope my explanation answers your questions. Let me know if it doesn't so I can explain it more properly.

Thanks,
Gabe

P.S. I'm going to read more of your work.

Trying to be true to my word before I depart from the site for an undisclosed amount of time... I wanted to get this review in.  No, I'm not going to jail "crosses fingers".  I always tend to take a loooooooooooooong break from this place around this time and come back around July.  It helps me purge the bullshit people spew here better.  It also allows me to focus more on my 1st love, which is music and my band.  

I'm not reading the above to see if someone has covered the same ground as me because. I really don't care what anyone has to say 9x's out of 10.  That's just me.

Anyways, I had this on my radar since it was posted -- Due to me being a sucker for Fairgrounds and Carnivals.  The further from society the better.  The more obscure the more interesting... So naturally I wanted to see what you could spin out of the whole circuit that is the traveling side show of visual delight.

Aside from a few formating preferences the script is tight.  I think there was a montage on like 23 or 24, with the knives, that could be handled way, way better.   Some of the dialect was a bit clunky, but it could be tightened within a draft or two.  

Introducing MAX on page 8 was a godsend... I was almost ready to shut the script at this point, but he added a whole new dynamic to the script.  He really encompassed what the entire gig was all about.  All knowing, the man with a plan and a way to bring it to fruition.  Some of his dialogue was off, but, again, not anything you can't fix in a draft or two.

I find it ironic we both chose to write scripts recently dealing with parents on the verge separation or already separated.  I think this just goes to back up what Ive been told by industry pro's "It's not how used the idea is when you sell it... It's how pretty it's repackaged".

You have a script, should you want to take it feature length, that could go either way -- Right now it's light on horror, which I thought it was going to be when I opened it up, and heavy on Oddity.  I kept thinking someone was bound to get hacked, but it never happened.  That, to me, is a good thing.  I like the direction and the ending was a good pay-off, regardless of how tired it may or may not be.

I enjoyed the script and the tiny game of Chess MAX played with the kids and parents.  It reminded me of Spookies in a way, but more so a Goosebumps entry.

I remember you thinking you should make a series out of this or something... I think that could work, but not long term.  Take it to feature length if anything.  

So, yeah, got a little bit of work to do on it but it's obtainable.  I rewrite my scripts 10 to 20 times before I'm 100% content with them sometimes... It happens when you really fall in love with the world you created.

My parting words for you -- Don't dwell on the negative shit you hear here... This is a very small demograph and audience for your work.  I have my own taste and my own standards.  If you choose to listen to just me you'll never evolve into your own style.  So listen, just know what to change and what not to change to appease both sides of the pie.

G'luck

P.S.

Oh, and one more thing -- If you can, not saying you have the money at your disposal, but if you do -- GET YOUR WORK LOOKED AT BY A PRO.  

A script at this page length will run about 150 to 200 bucks, but what you get in return is super worth it.  You can also see just how much your peers know around here when they talk about orphans, windows and other passive shit.  Your story is what matters, format is changing.  But story will always be important.  It needs to hit certain highs and lows and if it doesn't you're fucked.  

Stephanie Rogers does great work and, although still a bit steep for most... Give her a call.  She is absolutely beneficial for the money... She will give you detail notes and consultation.  She won't be back until around mid April, but something to think about in the future.

Thanks Baltis,

Have a good vacation.

Just wanted to let others know, I'm currently revising this. Want to thank those who've read this and left comments. I would say to continue on reading this draft since the comments you leave on here help me with my revision.

On to Baltis,

I answered most of those comments with my other readers so let me not repeat them again. I ask those looking for the answers to these comments or questions to go to the first page and read.

But here are some responses to some comments that Baltis made:

In regards to turning this script to a feature, I've been thinking about either series or feature for this script. Feature since it has a possibility to be made.  But I love the short version at the moment. lol. So a series is a better future for this script.  I'll do three seasons. I kind of have it mapped out. Maybe later on, I'll do a feature. But I don't think now.

About gore, that was something I found not pleasing in this script. It didn't fit.  I writing something now that I might have to add gore. lol. Just to keep balance among my scripts.

About reviewers, Positive or negative, I always take something. I have to live with them. lol. They don't bother me. They're helpful. Thanks Baltis.

About stephanie, I wish I could but I don't have that cash. lol. Maybe when I make it. lol.

Gabe

- "A loud BOOM!" Eh... A weak phrase to kick off your script with. A simple thing, sure, but as it is the first line, might as well mention it. Vague, uninteresting word choices. Loud? How about deafening? Thunderous? ...speaking of thunderous, what kind of BOOM is this? Is it like thunder or like an explosion? Either way, it falls silent on the page. I'd spruce it up with more illustrative description.

- Second line. I'd stick your "from afar" at the end so the reader doesn't have a chance to get tripped up.

Again, a simple thing but for your first two lines, better not to let things slide.

- I'm not a fan of character names like MAN and WOMAN. Can't you give them some distinguishing features? FAT MAN, UGLY WOMAN, whatever... As the character count goes up, I tend to lose track of the ones with more basic names. Let's see where this goes...

- I've got no sense of your environment here and thus I'm having difficulty picturing the story in my head.

Okay. So maybe I'm coming off like I'm promoting flowery writing or something but honestly, you need to establish some surroundings. Hooking your audience with your writing is one thing but allowing them to become lost is another.

- Might be lost already, actually. A bean tossing game and hot dog stand? I figured by ENTRANCE, you meant outside the circus. Yet at this point, it seems we're on the main grounds. See the previous comment, please.

- Also, I think you were talking about a cigarette holder earlier, not a "long filter."

pg. 4 - "They're mine too, Elenore."

- "being a father..."

pg. 5 - Don't they usually sell tickets for rides instead of asking outright for money?

- I think you can trim this bit with the couple a tad.

pg. 7 - "Bother..." "...you," I'm guessing?

Okay, a couple freebies on the house. I'd give this a once-over for other typos.

- I imagine Angela's comment would be strange for an unsuspecting patron who doesn't know they're a character in a script. That said, I think Eleanor responds to it too brashly. Does she have an anxiety disorder or what?

- The family's hasty exit feels extremely forced and awkward. It seems they barely spent fifteen minutes at the place and Eleanor's claims that she "fulfilled her obligation" make her seem psycho. I also didn't get the sense that the kids were having a great time as Daniel says. Again. Fifteen minutes.

pg. 14 - These two are really not going to protest someone snatching their personal effects without any explanation? Really? And they're going to enter the funhouse afterward as well and let some creepy guy walk off with their kids?

...

You've lost me, dude.

- Also, where did everybody go? Seemed like there were tons of people in the beginning.

pg. 22 - "The clown's with some black guy on the other side!" Unintentionally comical, possibly. Can you rephrase this?

- Also, please don't use the words "exam" and "examine" in the same sentence. Redundant, you know?

pg. 23 - Eh... I don't care for this exchange. I doubt any divorced couple, no matter how much they hate each other, would callously let one or the other ex get murdered by a man who juggles knives. That is, assuming they're normal folks who don't encounter violence on a regular basis.

That said, I don't think Daniel and Eleanor's failed marriage would even come up in this situation. It's a simple matter of Daniel, who seems like a normal guy, not letting someone get killed for no reason. You're letting it on too thick, I have to say.

- Also, eyes of a hawk, this one, huh? Isn't Daniel in a cage suspended over the room? How can he see things so well? Even if he were directly behind this guy, he'd be hard pressed to tell exactly which direction a flying knife is coming from, especially if the guy's a professional juggler. But in believability aside, for the sake of suspense, how about some close calls?

pg. 29 - Okay. I think I know what you're going for here. One person, split down the middle e.g. Two-Face, right? Or is this a Siamese twin kinda situation? Again, I suspect the former. Make it clear.

--

Okay.

Sorry to say I wasn't a fan of this one. I enjoyed the carnival iconography and I liked the fusion with horror/thriller/whatever aesthetics. I also liked the ending. But honestly, there's a million ways these two characters could have found such a fate. The way you've chosen did not appeal to me.

There's some intrigue to a acrimonious divorced couple being forced to come together. But when you follow this kind of Saw series morality, it just falls flat on its face. That is to say you can't teach people life lessons with violence and torture. The characters don't think "We have to put aside our differences and work together to make it through this." They think "We have to do whatever it takes not to get mutilated or killed, no matter what." It's an instinctual, one track thought process independent from the intricacies on one's personal life. I'd guess if these two were able to go free, they'd have a couple of days to bask in mutual appreciation and then they'd probably have to go their separate ways.

But even if somehow they were brought together by this, the means by which Max did so is frankly, not legitimate.

But honestly, these are the least of your worries. I really wasn't invested in your characters, regardless. They all came off considerably flat. Daniel's the nice guy. Eleanor is a crazy bitch (seriously, what's her problem?). The kids are... kids. I mean there's nothing to go on here, not even superficially. You could've at least given Ben a Transformers t-shirt or something. Behind the whole strict vs. nice, fair parent model, there's hardly a speck of characterization.

Max and co. weren't much better but that's okay because the story wasn't riding on them as much. Besides, Smiley and the others seemed intended to be mute Jason-esque goons, which is fine. I imagine Max was meant to exude a little more charisma though. You might work on him somewhat as well.

So yeah. Characterization should be your primary concern from here on out.

As for you're writing, it's not bad but a little clunky. Give this a look for typos and whatnot and try to keep your characters' surroundings in mind. This improved over the course of the script but it still could've been better.

Anyway, you have some interesting iconography to play around with here but I found the plot/character elements to be extremely weak. I'd say you've got a lot to work on.

Hope this helps.

Thanks James for the review.

To answer a few things.

How I write. I see what your saying about being illustrative but, I like to get to the point. lol. That doesn't mean I won't change but, I feel more comfortable this way for now. It's a difference of writing style.

Saw reference. Never intended it to be a morality tale. lol. They get stuck together, which is their hell. That was supposed to be the horror element. lol. They hate each other so much that now they're together. Max's motive for doing this and why Max puts them through this is something I'm trying to figure out.

I tried a superhero approach in the feature. I think I can make it work but I'm going to try something else for the time being.  

Max's people have supernatural powers. pg. 14 Max has the family under supernatural  powers. Something that Mark has brought up which I need to make clearer.

Thanks for the review. Given me alot of food for thought.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley How I write. I see what your saying about being illustrative but, I like to get to the point. lol. That doesn't mean I won't change but, I feel more comfortable this way for now. It's a difference of writing style.

This is fair. I try to keep my writing tight, personally, but I take many liberties with flowery language and such. Feel free to take me with a grain of salt. I would like to reiterate, though, that you should try to keep your reader well oriented with the character's surroundings. I think if you want to get to the point, that's definitely part of it.

Anyway, glad I could be of service.

Hey Gabe - Sorry it took me awhile to get to this. In the middle of a major rewrite on my script that you kindly looked at weeks ago. Anyways onto Max's Traveling Circus, I liked it a lot. When I was reading I kept hoping that the character of Smiley was going to play out sinister. I felt something creepy, evil about him. Maybe because he was a clown. I hate clowns. lol. I have to ask. Why is Max doing what he does to people? What's his reasoning? Either way, knowing or not knowing I enjoyed this. Thanks again for your advice and best of luck with future scripts. Dirk

Hey Dirk

I'm trying to answer those questions for the feature. I did do a feature which is posted up but I advise not to read. It sucks but, I'm working on revising. That's what screenwriting's about. Rewrites.  

Good luck on your feature. If you need another read, let me know.

Gabe