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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Just Coffee - Filmed Moderators: bert
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  Author    Just Coffee - Filmed  (currently 5268 views)
Conz
Posted: March 18th, 2011, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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pretty funny.  seems like everyone is taught differently on small details, but I personally capitalize every character's name regardless of dialogue.  

I was trying to think if there was a catch to this, thinking that maybe Frank would snap and Gerald would end up being some higher up who was testing them on the free refill rule, but I'm not mad that there really wasn't a catch.

This did remind me of something though, can't quite put my finger on it.  Liked it, someday I'm gonna read your full length b/c I've liked both shorts so far.  


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have made more than $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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Dressel
Posted: March 18th, 2011, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer

For a 12 page skit, I have to say this read like butter.
Some of the fastest pages I've read in a while.


Thanks Brett.  "Read like butter" is one of the better compliments I've received in awhile.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
I like the set up, but the ending does not do it justice.
I didn't see why the waitress we started with had to go home.
Why switch gears and give us new waitstaff to continue the tale.
I think there's a way to link those two characters through circumstance.
Perhaps through idle chat, the first waitress talks of a bill due or debt.
Then the betting pool ensues and she and Gerald are now connected.
Something along those lines could build some drama and urgency for you.


Yeah, I think this comes as the result of half of the script being written over a year later from the beginning.  Looking back, I'm not really sure why I sent Marie home and switched main characters.  It's a really odd choice, and I think it hurts the ending (outside of it not being wacky enough).


Quoted from Conz

seems like everyone is taught differently on small details, but I personally capitalize every character's name regardless of dialogue.  


Yeah, I think it varies.  For me, it's more about calling attention to them, and if all they're doing is one thing (like turning on a coffee pot), I don't feel the need.


Quoted from Conz

I was trying to think if there was a catch to this, thinking that maybe Frank would snap and Gerald would end up being some higher up who was testing them on the free refill rule, but I'm not mad that there really wasn't a catch.


I actually had that ending in mind at one point, but ditched it.  I figured most people would be expecting that, and I was always taught (especially in comedy) to ditch your first idea because it's probably the most obvious.


Quoted from Conz

This did remind me of something though, can't quite put my finger on it.  Liked it, someday I'm gonna read your full length b/c I've liked both shorts so far.


My last short film was featured on a show that had another short in it where a guy walks into a diner and downs 60 cups of coffee.  Personally, I didn't really like the short (moreso the style).  You could probably find it somewhere on line.

It's too bad none of my comedies are up, because you'd probably enjoy those more.  Not to say my other feature's bad or anything.  


CHECK OUT MY WEB SERIES

The Pilot is Dead

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another_punchline
Posted: March 23rd, 2011, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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I don't know what to say that hasn't been said here...

I really enjoyed the pacing on this. Like what's been said, it was very fluent with nice comical moments.

I really like the chooses that you made on were to take the plot. It starts off with this minimalistic story and you think, "okay, where to now?" But you found a way to keep us (or me) guessing with a very entertaining progression to the story.  With that being said, I do agree that you had not ending on the highest note.

I do like what you did with the free bread, but maybe if you ended it with the bread like you started it with the coffee it would bring it full circle and have more of a satisfying feel. Just throwing out an idea.  
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Dressel
Posted: March 23rd, 2011, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from another_punchline

I really enjoyed the pacing on this. Like what's been said, it was very fluent with nice comical moments.

I really like the chooses that you made on were to take the plot. It starts off with this minimalistic story and you think, "okay, where to now?" But you found a way to keep us (or me) guessing with a very entertaining progression to the story.


All kind words.  Thank you.  


Quoted from another_punchline
With that being said, I do agree that you had not ending on the highest note.

I do like what you did with the free bread, but maybe if you ended it with the bread like you started it with the coffee it would bring it full circle and have more of a satisfying feel. Just throwing out an idea.  


Yeah, I need to think of a way to enhance the ending.  I do think that making Marie a solid character throughout will help (as she squares off with Frank).  And you're right, bringing it full circle will help it a great deal as well.

Thanks for the read!



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another_punchline
Posted: March 24th, 2011, 1:35am Report to Moderator
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So it's around 1:30 in the morning here and I was trying to sleep, thinking about something completly
different when a though came to me; Frank and Gerald need to confront.
I mean thats what's being building up and at the end Frank is still just steaming on the sideline. Marie should have a more through line as an allie but this is really about Frank vs Gerald.
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jwent6688
Posted: March 24th, 2011, 3:46am Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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'He sits down and sets his back next to him". - That line reads funny. Do you mean his bag? I would rewrite this.

I'm with Screen on capping any character. I had the luxury of the famous Bert reading the opener to my elusive feature many moons ago. It starts on a boat that burns down in the 1800's. Full of weary immagrants. In a scene like that, I argued that anyone cappitalized was new to the audience. because I overused MAN or WOMAN at that point, he was confused as to whether these were the same men and women I've already introduced. Capping them, to me, means they are new to the audience.  I even capitalize PEOPLE if we're talking about mass congregation.

FRANK
Gerald. - I think this line deserves a question mark, lest I read it wrong.

Be consistent in your writing...

MARIE
$1.25. - then you have Frank respond...

FRANK
(loudly)
A dollar twenty-five? - Stay away from the numbers unless its a huge amount.

Overall, I liked this. Didn't get why Frank was such a dick, until the manager name-tag thing. Then you put this guy in perspective for me. Was wondering why he cared so much since he wasn't the owner. Maybe have a quick mention that the price of coffee has sky-rocketed. Or him pouring lemon juice in Gerald's coffee to make it taste foul. Trying to get him to leave.

Anyways, I liked it. Thought the ending could use more punch, but it still works for me.

James


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Dressel
Posted: March 24th, 2011, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from another_punchline
Frank and Gerald need to confront.
I mean thats what's being building up and at the end Frank is still just steaming on the sideline. Marie should have a more through line as an allie but this is really about Frank vs Gerald.


I agree.  I started to write this in the original draft but abandoned it for whatever reason.  I'll try again.


Quoted from jwent6688
'He sits down and sets his back next to him". - That line reads funny. Do you mean his bag? I would rewrite this.


Yeah, I meant his bag. Thanks for catching that.


Quoted from jwent6688
I'm with Screen on capping any character.


Honestly, I think a rule like this is one of those that's debatable.  Being that I used the character for one line and one line only (w/no dialogue), I think it's a toss up as to whether or not he/she should be underlined.  My general rule of thumb has always been to follow the rule if it will lead to less confusion, and I don't think the average reader would be confused by it.


Quoted from jwent6688

FRANK
Gerald. - I think this line deserves a question mark, lest I read it wrong.

I meant it kind of like he was saying it to himself.


Quoted from jwent6688


Be consistent in your writing...
MARIE
$1.25. - then you have Frank respond...

FRANK
(loudly)
A dollar twenty-five? - Stay away from the numbers unless its a huge amount.


Noted.


Quoted from jwent6688

Overall, I liked this. Didn't get why Frank was such a dick, until the manager name-tag thing. Then you put this guy in perspective for me. Was wondering why he cared so much since he wasn't the owner. Maybe have a quick mention that the price of coffee has sky-rocketed. Or him pouring lemon juice in Gerald's coffee to make it taste foul. Trying to get him to leave.

Anyways, I liked it. Thought the ending could use more punch, but it still works for me.


Thanks for the read, James.  Glad you enjoyed it.  Yeah, in the re-write I hope to punch up both the endings and the characters a bit.


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leitskev
Posted: March 24th, 2011, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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As far as the overall story, the one thing that was going through my mind was that from my experience, the staff would have been annoyed at the old guy, though possibly sympathetic. And I have a ton of experience dealing with restaurant staff. They spend more time talking about annoying customers who waste their time than anything else.

Although their turning this into entertainment might have made this different. That was what made something that is normally annoying and frustrating to them into something tolerable. That, and the fact that it pissed off the manager I guess.

I feel like there was some missing ingredient here, something that if you find it will really make this work. I don't know what it is, and isn't much. You are close to something.

Only thing I can add is that it was never revealed what was in the journal. Might not be important, but that could add something.

As with other work by this author, the writing is very clear and easy to follow. Always a pleasure to venture into.
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Dressel
Posted: March 24th, 2011, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
As far as the overall story, the one thing that was going through my mind was that from my experience, the staff would have been annoyed at the old guy, though possibly sympathetic. And I have a ton of experience dealing with restaurant staff. They spend more time talking about annoying customers who waste their time than anything else.


I can see what you're saying, and you're probably right.  But I guess, when I wrote it, I imagined that 1.) it was the beginning of the day so they'd be less irritable and 2.) I wanted Gerald to be such a sweet old man that all they could do was smile at his presence.  The guy was all smiles and never really acted like a dick.


Quoted from leitskev
Although their turning this into entertainment might have made this different. That was what made something that is normally annoying and frustrating to them into something tolerable. That, and the fact that it pissed off the manager I guess.


But yeah, it was stuff like that that really made it so they didn't mind.


Quoted from leitskev
I feel like there was some missing ingredient here, something that if you find it will really make this work. I don't know what it is, and isn't much. You are close to something.


I know what you mean.  Hopefully I can figure out what that is.


Quoted from leitskev
Only thing I can add is that it was never revealed what was in the journal. Might not be important, but that could add something.


That was actually an abandoned plotline, but in the end, I figured he needed something to do while he was there.  It could be just reading, I suppose.


Quoted from leitskev
As with other work by this author, the writing is very clear and easy to follow. Always a pleasure to venture into.


Thanks!



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leitskev
Posted: March 24th, 2011, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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I like the journal better than a book. A lot of interesting things you could do.

Here's one weird thing. He's been working in it for hours, all day. What if it was empty, except on the front page, one very simple thing, like one phrase. Or a quick drawing. The kind of thing that should take only seconds to do, or minutes. Kind of zen thing.

Maybe it could say: Just Coffee.

Or maybe at the end, someone asks, and he shows them, and it just says Thank You.
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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: March 24th, 2011, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Over all, I like it. It's a fast read for me. And I could easily see this dinner, the characters ect. in my minds eyes. I also felt this ended in a good spot. Nothing over the top and in keeping with what the story is all about, simple.

Good Job!


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Dressel
Posted: March 25th, 2011, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
I like the journal better than a book. A lot of interesting things you could do.

Here's one weird thing. He's been working in it for hours, all day. What if it was empty, except on the front page, one very simple thing, like one phrase. Or a quick drawing. The kind of thing that should take only seconds to do, or minutes. Kind of zen thing.

Maybe it could say: Just Coffee.

Or maybe at the end, someone asks, and he shows them, and it just says Thank You.


You're right, bringing the journal back into the fold might be the way to go.  I think the best way to do it will probably come to me when I see what form the next draft will take.


Quoted from Hugh Hoyland
Over all, I like it. It's a fast read for me. And I could easily see this dinner, the characters ect. in my minds eyes. I also felt this ended in a good spot. Nothing over the top and in keeping with what the story is all about, simple.

Good Job!


Thanks for the read, Hugh.  I really appreciate your comments.



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wonkavite
Posted: April 25th, 2011, 7:00am Report to Moderator
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Well, having read "The Other Man", I felt compelled to read Just Coffee.  I'm glad I did.

Another win.  Really not much to say here, other than that the writing's clean - the dialogue's very natural (both with the waitresses and the betting staff - both of which could very, very easily have lapsed into cliches.)

And you actually managed to make a very plain, simple (yet amusing) story interesting.

Mark Twain would be proud.  
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Dressel
Posted: April 25th, 2011, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from wonkavite

Another win.  Really not much to say here, other than that the writing's clean - the dialogue's very natural (both with the waitresses and the betting staff - both of which could very, very easily have lapsed into cliches.)

And you actually managed to make a very plain, simple (yet amusing) story interesting.

Mark Twain would be proud.  


Thanks Janet!  I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I'm really proud of this short, and honestly, if I had the money I'd just shoot it myself.

The newest draft should be posted in the next couple of days.  I tried to tighten it up and punch up the ending without losing anything the original draft offered, so hopefully I succeeded.    Thanks again!


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Dressel
Posted: April 26th, 2011, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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The new draft is up.


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