Hey Matt

This is better.

I would have liked a hint of Jacob and Marie plan to call the manager in.  

I don't buy the fact that Frank who identify his manager's cough that easily. Probably cliche, but have Frank bad mouth the manager without seeing him. Just a thought.

Other than that, it's still an entertaining story.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley This is better.

Thank you, kind sir.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I would have liked a hint of Jacob and Marie plan to call the manager in.

Good thinking.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I don't buy the fact that Frank who identify his manager's cough that easily. Probably cliche, but have Frank bad mouth the manager without seeing him. Just a thought.

I don't really see a reason why Frank would bad-mouth Tom; especially seeing as he's such a suck-up.  And yeah, the cough thing is a stretch, but I guess I see it so much in movies, I thought it would work.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Other than that, it's still an entertaining story.

Always good to hear when releasing a new draft.  Thanks again!

Hey Dressel,

Bad-mouth is a bad choice of words but be angry with the manager whose coughing. Frank not knowing whose coughing would get at the person for trying to interrupt him. Hope that makes sense. Sorry for the confusion. Wrote this last night.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Bad-mouth is a bad choice of words but be angry with the manager whose coughing. Frank not knowing whose coughing would get at the person for trying to interrupt him. Hope that makes sense. Sorry for the confusion. Wrote this last night.

Ohhhhh....that makes total sense and works much better.  Thanks for clearing it up.

Hey Matt,

Kudos on a new draft, always good to see rewrites based upon earlier critiques.
This story reads better and felt more satisfying this time around.
I'm unsure exactly what changes you made, but they work.
I felt like the book was a missed opportunity.
Felt strange to intro it, but never call it back in the story.

Good work, modest production, now go film it!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Kudos on a new draft, always good to see rewrites based upon earlier critiques. This story reads better and felt more satisfying this time around.

Thanks Brett!

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I'm unsure exactly what changes you made, but they work.

I went through and I plucked out a couple sections that flat out didn't need to be there (Marie going on break, for one).  I also increased the conflict and made Frank a more dislikable villain.  I tried to really give you someone to root for in this draft.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I felt like the book was a missed opportunity. Felt strange to intro it, but never call it back in the story.

I thought a lot about that, that is, giving him a reason to be there, and I decided not to tinker with it.  It just became to muddled, thinking of motivations with a notebook or a book, and I liked the simple idea of a man just spending his time at a diner.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Good work, modest production, now go film it!

I really would like to, but I'm sure I would need at least $10,000 to film this (and that's a REALLY conservative estimate - probably closer to 15 or 20).  And that's speaking from experience, I'm not just pulling a number out of thin air.  Now, if someone wants to GIVE me the money to film it, that's a totally different story...

Quoted from Dressel I thought a lot about that, that is, giving him a reason to be there, and I decided not to tinker with it.  It just became to muddled, thinking of motivations with a notebook or a book, and I liked the simple idea of a man just spending his time at a diner.

I was more thinking of an ironic title for the book, like Oliver Twist or something.

Quoted from Dressel I really would like to, but I'm sure I would need at least $10,000 to film this (and that's a REALLY conservative estimate - probably closer to 15 or 20).  And that's speaking from experience, I'm not just pulling a number out of thin air.  Now, if someone wants to GIVE me the money to film it, that's a totally different story...

Yikes, make a friend that owns a diner in need of publicity.

E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I was more thinking of an ironic title for the book, like Oliver Twist or something.

Ha!  Ok, got ya.  I was confused because motivation was a key thing discussed with people on the first draft.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Yikes, make a friend that owns a diner in need of publicity.

Honestly, finding a diner would be the least of the worries, seeing as most classic diners close at 2 (or shortly thereafter).  I actually wrote this with a diner in mind, but sadly that diner is back in Michigan and I'm in California.

What a great ride of a script. I genuinely had fun reading it. It made me identify with my own prejudices a little. I agree and think the waitress should have definitely stayed around, on her own time.

Nice work!  

Hey Matt,

Actually, I was doing some reviewing on the proper use of slugs just last week and I happened to come across an article that said a character shouldn't be all capped if they don't have any dialogue.

I don't think it makes too much of a difference to me one way or the other, and I've never really thought about it at all in my own stuff, so I don't even know if I've capped silent roles or not.

I like Brett's idea of having the old guy reading Oliver Twist.  It'd be a pretty fun way to foreshadow.  Plus, it kind of would explain the mystery of the book, as throughout the whole story, I thought the book was going to come back into play.

In fact, I was more interested in Gerald's story than I was the conflict between Marie and Frank and wanted to know a lot more about Gerald, because you built him up as a really interesting, mysterious character, but we never find out about him.  The conflict between Marie and Frank wasn't bad, but delving into Gerald's backstory would have piqued my interest in this one a lot more.

It was still a decent story, though, but kind of just regular.  Gerald is what really would have made this story pop.

- Mark

Quoted from Loulou What a great ride of a script. I genuinely had fun reading it.

Thanks Loulou.  Glad you liked it!

Quoted from Loulou It made me identify with my own prejudices a little.

I'm not entirely 100% on what that means, but I'm glad you got something out of the script.

Quoted from rc1107 Actually, I was doing some reviewing on the proper use of slugs just last week and I happened to come across an article that said a character shouldn't be all capped if they don't have any dialogue.

I was always taught to only capitalize if they have dialogue, but I thought I'd try it out for this draft seeing as it was mentioned a couple of time.

Quoted from rc1107 I like Brett's idea of having the old guy reading Oliver Twist.  It'd be a pretty fun way to foreshadow.  Plus, it kind of would explain the mystery of the book, as throughout the whole story, I thought the book was going to come back into play.

I think, as screenwriters, we try to find significance in everything, when in reality, if someone was watching this short and he pulled out a book, I doubt anyone would really care.  They'd probably say "Ok, he's reading."  In actuality, I included it because it seemed odd to have him just sit there all day doing nothing.

Quoted from rc1107 In fact, I was more interested in Gerald's story than I was the conflict between Marie and Frank and wanted to know a lot more about Gerald, because you built him up as a really interesting, mysterious character, but we never find out about him.  The conflict between Marie and Frank wasn't bad, but delving into Gerald's backstory would have piqued my interest in this one a lot more. It was still a decent story, though, but kind of just regular.  Gerald is what really would have made this story pop.

I can see what you mean, but that wasn't really the story I was trying to tell.  I wanted Gerald to remain a mysterious character, and I wanted that mystery and his bizarre behavior to fuel the going-ons at the diner.  I think, if I were to delve into what makes Gerald who he is, it would become an entirely different script.

Quoted from dressel if someone was watching this short and he pulled out a book, I doubt anyone would really care.  They'd probably say "Ok, he's reading."

Oh yeah.  I definately get what you were saying, and I do look for meanings where there probably is none probably because I hide meanings in my stuff a lot.

But also, as a reader, had it just stated that "he pulls out a thick book and reads", I would've thought nothing of it, much like a viewer wouldn't.  But it was going that extra distance and saying that the book and it's title wasn't descirnable, drew extra attention to it for me as a reader, and that's why I focused.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with it at all, and it didn't detract from the story at all.  It just especially caught my attention.

Quoted from rc1107 But it was going that extra distance and saying that the book and it's title wasn't descirnable, drew extra attention to it for me as a reader, and that's why I focused.

Ha, I actually wrote that so people wouldn't think there was anything special about the book.

I didn't read the first draft, not that it matters.

I didn't think anything of the book. I just thought he was there to read and drink coffee.

It felt a little long for what it is, but it reads very fast, so that isn't much of a factor other than opening it to see the page count.

The betting thing seemed a little odd, as did the old man chugging coffee from the pot. The betting came out of nowhere, at least the level it was at when you introduce it. it could use some setting up, but that would distract from the story here. tough call. As for Gerald chugging out of the coffee pot... it crossed my mind that he plays a better character if he remains quiet, aloof and a little mysterious. chugging coffee while people chant takes away from that.

Those were things I noticed, they aren't major issues. I was surprised by the end at how entertained I was with such a simple tale.

My favorite part is the ass manager putting on the manager's name tag. That told me everything I needed to know about that guy. Very funny. I've worked with people like that, you nailed his character.

Overall, very strong. I liked it.

Quoted from reuel51 It felt a little long for what it is, but it reads very fast, so that isn't much of a factor other than opening it to see the page count.

I tried my hardest to cut it down in between drafts, and I even cut out whole sections, but it just kept ballooning back up to about 12 pages.  I think, if performed, the dialogue would go by much faster than the one page/one minute rule though.

Quoted from reuel51 The betting thing seemed a little odd...The betting came out of nowhere, at least the level it was at when you introduce it. it could use some setting up, but that would distract from the story here. tough call.

I wanted it to come out of nowhere for comedic effect.  I used to have a line that referenced it before Frank entered the kitchen, but I took it out because it messed with the flow.  It'd be easy enough to put back in though.

Quoted from reuel51 As for Gerald chugging out of the coffee pot... it crossed my mind that he plays a better character if he remains quiet, aloof and a little mysterious. chugging coffee while people chant takes away from that.

Point taken.  Hmmm.  Not sure how to handle that, as it is a rather large part of plot.  I'll give it another gander later on.

Quoted from reuel51 Those were things I noticed, they aren't major issues. I was surprised by the end at how entertained I was with such a simple tale. Overall, very strong. I liked it.

Glad you liked it!  I don't know how I missed your review, but I'm sorry it took me so long to respond.  Thanks again for all the compliments and critiques.