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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Have You Registered To Vote? Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: June 29th, 2011, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Have You Registered to Vote? by Will Ball (albinopenguin) - Short - A comedic sketch about the pressure to vote and the lengths one man will take to get another to register. 3 pages - pdf, format


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albinopenguin
Posted: June 29th, 2011, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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thanks Don. i actually filmed this a while back (with no script). i recently downloaded celtx and needed something easy to write. so the main objective of this was to write a sketch that was easy to film, mildly entertaining, and very very simple.


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jwent6688
Posted: June 29th, 2011, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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DOUBLE SPACE YOUR FRIGGIN' SLUGS!!!

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Will,

I may stop reading your stuff because I feel as though I'm being hard on you. This was just a skit for me and i didn't get any laughs. Seemed very rushed and not well thought out. Just an annoying guy popping up every where this cat goes. And your punchline? "What party?" just didn't work.

I think your main character needs a solid reason not to vote. Then, after this recruiter shows up in all these strange places, show us that he's part of his subconscious. Otherwise, to me, it's just strange...

James


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TheSecond
Posted: June 30th, 2011, 12:56am Report to Moderator
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The surface is home to the mindless. Go deep.

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I laughed out loud - naked stranger in the shower is always funny.  Contact moveon, this would be a great :60 for them.
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albinopenguin
Posted: June 30th, 2011, 1:37am Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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0 and 2? oh my god James, I'm starting to doubt myself because of you haha jk jk. i was inspired to write this short during the 2008 election. there were voting recruiters on every street corner, bugging you to register. however most of these recruiters were democrats and scoffed at those who registered with a different party (mind you, I live in philly). so i wanted to embody this idea in my script without criticizing democrats (because that's not the point of this script and i certainly dont want to alienate anyone with this sketch). i'm intrigued and tempted by your idea to give the characters some depth. but i want to keep it simple. furthermore, do you think it would still make sense if the recruiter asked "have you voted yet?" and then at the end, said "you voted for the wrong person?" this avenue gets the message across clearer yet might be more confusing since people vote in booths. thoughts? i bring this up NOT to debate your opinion. in fact, i'm asking for your thoughts because i greatly respect it.

the TS! glad you enjoyed it. i will certainly investigate. i dont know who moveon is, but I'll look into it. thanks for the tip!


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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: June 30th, 2011, 2:04am Report to Moderator
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The punch line at the end is weak in my opinion, saw it coming after he started showing up at his house.

For a skit that's like one or two minutes, it works. I didn't laugh very much, but I think you can find an audience and with the right people doing the parts.


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If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
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A2n2t
Posted: July 1st, 2011, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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A good commercial at best.


"Well Bob, I'm a pone tony. Got my dillies on the peppy tang"
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A2n2t
Posted: July 1st, 2011, 7:45am Report to Moderator
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BTW Celtx FTW


"Well Bob, I'm a pone tony. Got my dillies on the peppy tang"
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 1st, 2011, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, Will, but not for me again at all.  It may be funny once or twice, but you're just beating it over our heads, much like that cell message script.  It's just exactly the same thing again and again.

And, like that other script of yours, you have ZERO description for any of your scenes.  You're going for strictly dialogue based humor and entertainment and I don't see it.

Wish I could be more positive, but I didn't find it funny at all, and actually, I was annoyed.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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albinopenguin
Posted: July 6th, 2011, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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thanks for the reads guys. once again, greatly appreciated. like i said before, this is a REALLY simple script that was originally intended for a quick college project. the final result was fun and good enough for the class.

i definitely see where you're coming from dreamscale. for me, descriptions werent really needed for this one. since it was a basic sketch, i figured it didnt matter what James' living room looked liked or how many people were out in the city streets. it could be almost any hallway or bathroom, and the sketch would work. i also didnt want to write too many descriptors because i want anyone with a camera to be able to film this. do you suggest that i develop the surrounding scenery? im not trying to come across as combatant, but rather inquisitive. because i could develop the sketch to say a lot more by adding more vivid descriptions. however, i dont want to offend anyone (in this script anyways). but i dont want to add descriptions if they dont add to the script or its punchline. then it would just be bloated script with a disappointing payoff.


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Dreamscale
Posted: July 6th, 2011, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Will, IMO, there's a big difference to alot of description and absolutely no description.

It's always a fine line but it's a line you have to cross.

I guess for me, it just wasn't funny...maybe the first 2 times, mildly amusing, but it just went on and on and the 3 pages felt more like 5 or 6 pages.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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albinopenguin
Posted: July 6th, 2011, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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i gotchya. to be honest, im still trying to find that balance as writer. sometimes i feel as though i write too much, and others too little. i actually might cut a scene to make it more concise.


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Branzig Rubenburg
Posted: September 5th, 2011, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
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Some might say that this is a little cliche, but it kept my attention.  The script was the perfect length for this type of story.  It was funny throughout and I could picture Brendan popping up out of nowhere in all of these places.  Keep up the good work!
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albinopenguin
Posted: September 6th, 2011, 12:57am Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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hey Branzig! thanks for the read. as previously mentioned, this was a bit of a "fluff" piece for me. had to make a short film in college for some bulls*** class, so i filmed this (and then wrote the script). i sincerely hope I've improved since then haha

thanks again man. let me know when you throw something onto the site so i can return the favor.


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 6th, 2011, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Hey Will,

Good on your for filming this for yourself.
Opening slug would benefit from some detail.
EXT. PHILADELPHIA - DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY, would work, IMO.

As mentioned before, the slugs are super sparse.
I guess that's because you shot this before you wrote the script.
This feels more like a PSA than a skit or short subject.
Though the party thing at the end is more skittish.

Got a link to the film?

Regards,
E.D.


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