Hey Will,

Good to see more of you on the boards.
It's been a tad quiet here lately.
Which is a perfect time for some fresh talent to post their scripts!

Jeff pointed out the technical snafus that impeded my read.
Not to mention all that licensing funding for your toys in the opener.

The prognostication gives this story an eerie tone.
Kids foretelling doom has been done lots, but somehow always feels a bit creepy.
You've got a lot of detail in here that I feel I'm missing its importance.

Finished. I honestly didn't get this one.
I assume she worked in the control room or something?
An actual astronaut would be on site for days leading up to a mission.
They do that so things like a freak accident won't scrap a costly flight.

I'll read through a few of the comments.
So, the little girl had a premonition.
And somehow, knew to let the dog out as a specific time?
That's a heaping helping of plot convenience that strains credibility.

I honestly don't get the benefit of hiding Deb's identity and job.
It's a plot reveal, sure. But, how does it advance the character's story?
The shuttle of the window is a bit much, and costly.
Why can't Deb just watch it on TV in the hospital?
Then we wouldn't get robbed of her reaction, add some drama, etc.

All in all, this reads decent. And you are attempting to tell your story with visuals.
So, that's a big plus. I just couldn't follow your logic too well.

Good to see some fresh faces posting stories.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

hey E.D.!

Thanks so much for the kind words! I'm trying to make an effort to contribute to boards and read as many scripts as possible. I'm on vacay right now, so please excuse my delayed response.

while reading your post, i assume that you wrote a little bit, read some of the comments, and then finished your post? im just curious so that i know where you're coming from (and how much of my input you read). i ask this because this script requires an explanation on my part. perhaps too much of an explanation.

you're absolutely right. an astronaut would be on site days prior. to be honest, im just overlooking that fact.

as far as the shuttle in the window, i kind of want to keep it for dramatic effect. cape canaveral is pretty flat and fairly desolate. you can see the launch pad from far away but its pretty far in the distance. so its a stretch for a short to portray it as in the background. in other words, you're right. it wouldnt quite stand alone so close to the hospital. but the image in my head looks pretty cool so im willing to suspend any disbelief.

and deb is supposed to be on the shuttle, not in the control room. i'm a little concerned that i didnt do a good job of communicating that (since several people brought it up as well).

overall i think i need to add more purpose to the script. i think Tom needs a bit more explaining/back story. just something to tie it all together. when you consider bowie's space oddity, im essentially saying that allison is communicating with an astronaut who floats deeper into space. how? well thats something im trying to figure out. furthermore, when you consider that space oddity is alluding to 2001 a space oddity, it gets even more complex. so perhaps i'll find a way to tie it in with that movie.

thanks for the read ED. it's greatly appreciated

I read this script a couple of days ago and I really enjoyed it.  I wasn't sure where it was going at first, but the end summed everything up.  Good story with an even better ending.  Keep up the good work!

Gave this a read, and then read all the posts. Can I say that reading the posts was more fun?  

Sorry. I don't want to sound sarcastic. It did come over very flat to me, and like Heretic, my immediate thought was, 'what was the point in that'. I did get that Deb was supposed to be an astronaut, but then it lacked punch. Like many others (dare I say most? All?) I completely missed the challenger bit, and then I didn't know a teacher was on it; it was a cold day etc etc; so all of these are good points, and the script is evidently layered, but they remain good points missed (by the reader).

For me the key problem is that Debs only 'has to go to work' and this needs playing up. Why only say work? There is more mystery, expectation etc, if she just has to go - maybe not say - alternatively, play on it - if  Allie has her make believe friend in space, why can't Allie say something like 'Are you going to see Tom in space?' - this gives hints, and Debs doesn't need to answer (she can be interrupted by Andrew etc). I think that this would help to give the story a full-circle feel -  ending are so much better when you have referenced them earlier on.

Other thing - I would have Andrew playing 'Major Tom' just to lay it on until the reveal. Without having hints/references acting as the 'guy-lines' in the script, then the reveal is in danger of just becoming a bolt-on option, so theoretically you could have anything happen at the end (and thus bear the brunt of Heretic's frustration), because there is nothing tying it in to the script. Guy-line fed reveals mean that it can only be the option that is finally revealed, and even if the reader guesses before hand, then it doesn't ruin the script because they have this great satisfaction that they put the puzzle together.

Best o'luck.

hey Branzig, thanks so much for the read. let me know when you post something so that i can return the favor.

and thanks for reading as well sicoll. ill be honest with you, i agree 50/50 with you. for example, i definitely agree that i need to shed more light on the o-ring and teacher thing. however, i feel like people should know what the challenger was. if you reside in the states and your older than 30, then you'll definitely know about it. i passed it around to some of my older friends, and they all got the challenger reference (and the david bowie references). so i dont want to spoon feed my reader too much. but i definitely see where you're coming from.

and i agree with the tom reference. thats why i included the line "i'll say hi to him if i see him." but maybe that was a bit too obscure. i feel like its a thin line between saying too little and saying too much. ill definitely put some more "hints" in the script though because the ending feels a bit flat without em.

and i definitely see what you mean about the major tom references. in the rewrite, im going to do some more investigating and somehow tie it in closer with the story. major tom is a reference to 2001 a space oddity, so im sure i can find some material there.

in all actuality, i guess i agree with you 90% and disagree with you 10% haha. regardless, i really appreciate the read and comments. they were incredibly helpful.

Hey Will,

I haven’t read through the other comments, so my apologies if I repeat something.

This one wasn’t too bad. I liked your descriptions and use of foreshadowing in the dialogue (“I’ll make sure to say hello if I see him”).  I’m still questioning the Tom character, and how exactly Maxi didn’t see Allie do whatever it was she did.

Wait, Allie didn’t sleepwalk one night and fuck with the Challenger, did she!? I now have the image of a six-year-old girl standing beneath a space shuttle with a Playskool screwdriver…

This one makes you think. Nice work.

Chris