She Knows Tom by Will Ball (albinopenguin) - Short, Drama, Sci Fi -  A woman tries to leave for work, but her daughter protests.  8 pages - pdf, format

thanks Don for putting this up. to be completely honest the logline sucks ass but oh well. i wanted the reader to go in fresh

This is a change for you, Will. It's not a sketch nor is it Opposite Sex. I dare say you've sold out.

Seriously though, a pretty straightforward short that does what a short's supposed to, more or less. A few plot devices (the dog, space shuttle, etc.) make for a not-so-easy production but I won't harp on that because scripts written exclusively for an easy production tend to be not great. Still, your ending does need a little more punch. I was half expecting the shuttle to explode, given the warning earlier on. You don't have to go that root at all but like a joke, shorts need a punchline. A cinematic punchline if you will.

That's about it. You could always beef up the story some but for all intents and purposes, your "normal" short is a success.

hey James, thanks SO much for the read. im not going to lie, i totally sold out on this one. i wanted to write something a little more conventional and less daring. plus i wanted to prove that i was capable of writing something that is a little more reflective of what you'd see on the boards.

question for you. are you suggesting that i show the ship exploding? by having the TV announcer say that its the challenger, the audience knows that it will explode. are you saying that i should actually show it blowing up?

furthermore, by revealing that it's the challenger, the audience realizes why the sketch is set in the 80's, why it's so cold out (it was an uncommonly cold day in florida when the challenger exploded. plus scientist believe the cold weather was a factor in the disaster since it messed with the ship's o-rings), and what the big deal is over the teddy bear dressed up as a teacher (a teacher was actually on the challenger because she had won a nation wide contest. she had no knowledge of space exploration). i think my other question is, did you realize that she was an astronaut before it was revealed at the end? this is something else i wanted to stay hidden until the very end (because it completely alters the meaning of the first scene where the mom is saying goodbye).

there's also an explanation for who allison is talking to, but i dont want to reveal that quite yet. it might be too subtle.

thanks SO much for your help james!

I actually didn't know the history of the Challenger. Apparently, I'm in the minority on this one. Never mind what I said. I think you're good, so long as people know what you're talking about.

SPOILERS

I don't get it.  What's the point?

The whole thing's just a build-up to the punchline, and the punchline doesn't really inform or further the story.

I dunno, that's really all I can say.  The writing's fine.  The characters are fine.  What's the point?

gotchya. did you suspect that she was an astronaut before the final scene? just curious haha

hey heretic,

thanks for the read. would you mind elaborating a bit? the reveal at the end really furthers the story and sheds light on all of the scenes before it.

the reader doesnt know that deb is a member of the challenger exploration until the very end. that tidbit alone effects the entire story before it.

sorry, just curious as to what you mean. thanks again for reading!

SPOILERS

Hey Will,

It totally does further the plotline, yeah.  But what is the story?  That some people died on the Challenger, and some people didn't, because of God (or benevolent aliens, or whatever)?

We don't get any sense of whether Deb deserved to be saved, or why she might be, or why she might not be, or why whatever the otherworldly power chose to focus on this one person.  More so, we don't get any sense of what the implications are if God (I'm just gonna go with God for now) does exist, or any particular argument for why God exists, or whatever.  

The way I see it, the story is this: God saves someone.  Well, if God exists, it saves people all the time.  So who cares?  What's important about the story is why she's saved.  Or...what's important about the story might be something else.  But if what's important about the story is that the story assumes God exists...well, who cares?

Does that make sense?  I may have missed something/everything.

Hi Will,



SPOILERS




I, for one, never thought she was an astronaut till the end. I was caught off guard. I had forgotten the name of the space shuttle, too... so

for the end, especially for those who may not remember, you may want to have the announcer say something about it being the first with a teacher on board as well as us hear the explosion.

My two cents.

Cindy

Heretic, thank you so much for the explanation. That TOTALLY makes sense. i feel as though i've brought the what, but now i have to figure out the why. doing this could give my characters greater depth. furthermore, i need to figure out what im trying to say to my audience with this one. theres only one thing that no one has caught onto yet. and that's who tom is and where he comes from.

and Cindy, thank you SO much for the suggestion. its brilliant and I'm going to add that in the rewrite. i wouldnt expect the average person to know that a teacher was aboard the challenger unless they lived through the event. i myself had no idea until doing some research.

thanks everyone!

Hey Will, I had a few extra minutes on my hands, so I did a little editing for you.  A number of these mistakes take place multiple times, but I only listed things once, maybe twice.

I don’t really see what you’re script is really about or what you’re trying to say.  If the shuttle exploded on liftoff, I think there would be more of a message here, but since it doesn’t, I just don’t know what I’m supposed to get from this.

There is something interesting and even eerie about this, but I don’t think it’s developed enough, or clear enough.

Hope this helps.  Take care.

EDIT - Just read the other reviews, as well as your response.  I didn't get that this was supposed to be based on a real event, and I'm not sure most will either.  There are hints here and there, but IMO, you might as well make it 100% clear what it is you're setting up here.

Page 1 – “They illuminate a little girl’s beroom and lay gently on
several pieces of eighties paraphernalia.” – “bedroom”.  Also, the entire sentence is extremely awkward and I actually don’t even know what it’s supposed to be saying.

“keds” - ?  As in “Keds” sneakers?  If so, needs to be capped.

“Beneath her Smurf bedsheets, ALLIE (6) lays wide awake.” – “bed sheets”.  “lays” – “lies”.  The entire sentence is awkwardly phrased.

“I did just like you said Tom.” – You need a comma between “said” and “Tom”.  Pretty much always needed when you have a name in dialogue.

“The bedroom DOORKNOB turns. A frizzy haired woman with gaudy
makeups pokes her head inside the room. This is DEB (40’s).” – Why is “DOORKNOB” capped?  “makeups” – “makeup”.  Awkwardly phrased.  No reason not to intro Deb immediately, as opposed to calling her “a frizzy haired woman” – complete waste of space.

“It’s six AM in the morning.” – Awkward!  Obviously, AM means morning, so no reason to have both in this line.

Get rid of the “CONTINUED” on the top and bottom of each page!

Page 2 – “Tom isn’t real baby.” – Same deal as above dialogue.  In this case “baby” is the name and every time you have a name in dialogue, you’ll need to set it off with a comma.  SO, you need a comma between “real” and “baby”.  GENERAL NOTE – There are many more instances of this same problem throughout the script, which I’m not bringing up anymore.

Page 4 – “Deb rides passenger while CHARLES (40’s) drives on a
highway. Both are bundled in sweaters and sweat pants despite the tropical vegetation which whizzes by the vehicle.” – AWKWARD!  “on a highway” is very awkwardly placed.  “which whizzes by the vehicle” is awkward.

Page 5 – “A metal dog CAGE sits amongst pieces of living room
furniture.” – Awkward.

“lab” – “Lab”

“Andrew lays…” – “Andrew lies…”

“…and into –“ and “…and enters the-“ – these are both transitions that lead into a Mini Slug, not a full Slug.  So, instead of the full Slugs you used, just use, “HALLWAY” and “LIVING ROOM” – No time periods necessary in Minis.

Page 6 – You have “(continued)” showing up as a wrylie in Charles’ dialogue, which is incorrect.

GENERAL NOTE – Since this Lab has a name (Maxi), you should intro him as that immediately and continue calling him that, as opposed to lab or whatever.

Page 7 – “Through the window of her room, there is a docked SPACE SHUTTLE in the distance, ready for liftoff.” – Very awkwardly phrased and IMO, very unbelievable.  What hospital is so near the Cape Canaveral area that a shuttle can be seen?  I’d just have this stuff take place on the TV.

hey DS, thank you SO much for these edits. this is infinitely helpful and I'll make sure to incorporate them into the rewrite.

interesting point you make about not getting that it's based on real events (simply because several people are saying the same thing). are people just not aware of the challenger explosion these days? and i totally agree with the hospital being so close to cape canaveral. the only reason i wanted to include it through the window is so that the audience makes the connection and realizes that deb should have been on that shuttle. if anything, it should be way way off in the distance. almost like a spec.

also i should probably relay who tom is. SPOILERS this short was inspired by david bowie's "a space oddity." obviously tom is major tom and the title, "she knows" is lifted right out of the song. i might include more lines from the song into the script to hint at it even more (rather than just have andrew wearing a david bowie t-shrit).

regardless, many thanks for the read.

I had a feeling there was a reason why you mentioned the Bowie T shirt, and I am familiar with the song, but I didn't put 2 and 2 together.

I think it's kind of like the whole Challenger thing...people don't know that they're reading something that's supposed to be based on "real" things.  You elude to things and give little clues, but IMO, it's not enough for the majority of peeps to get it.

interesting point. even though i wanted this to have a bit of a surprise at the end, i can certainly see where you're coming from. i didnt want them knowing that this was about the challenger mission or even that deb was an astronaut until the final scene. if the problem persists, i'll experiment with changing the structure. thanks again!

Hey Will,

Good to see more of you on the boards.
It's been a tad quiet here lately.
Which is a perfect time for some fresh talent to post their scripts!

Jeff pointed out the technical snafus that impeded my read.
Not to mention all that licensing funding for your toys in the opener.

The prognostication gives this story an eerie tone.
Kids foretelling doom has been done lots, but somehow always feels a bit creepy.
You've got a lot of detail in here that I feel I'm missing its importance.

Finished. I honestly didn't get this one.
I assume she worked in the control room or something?
An actual astronaut would be on site for days leading up to a mission.
They do that so things like a freak accident won't scrap a costly flight.

I'll read through a few of the comments.
So, the little girl had a premonition.
And somehow, knew to let the dog out as a specific time?
That's a heaping helping of plot convenience that strains credibility.

I honestly don't get the benefit of hiding Deb's identity and job.
It's a plot reveal, sure. But, how does it advance the character's story?
The shuttle of the window is a bit much, and costly.
Why can't Deb just watch it on TV in the hospital?
Then we wouldn't get robbed of her reaction, add some drama, etc.

All in all, this reads decent. And you are attempting to tell your story with visuals.
So, that's a big plus. I just couldn't follow your logic too well.

Good to see some fresh faces posting stories.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

hey E.D.!

Thanks so much for the kind words! I'm trying to make an effort to contribute to boards and read as many scripts as possible. I'm on vacay right now, so please excuse my delayed response.

while reading your post, i assume that you wrote a little bit, read some of the comments, and then finished your post? im just curious so that i know where you're coming from (and how much of my input you read). i ask this because this script requires an explanation on my part. perhaps too much of an explanation.

you're absolutely right. an astronaut would be on site days prior. to be honest, im just overlooking that fact.

as far as the shuttle in the window, i kind of want to keep it for dramatic effect. cape canaveral is pretty flat and fairly desolate. you can see the launch pad from far away but its pretty far in the distance. so its a stretch for a short to portray it as in the background. in other words, you're right. it wouldnt quite stand alone so close to the hospital. but the image in my head looks pretty cool so im willing to suspend any disbelief.

and deb is supposed to be on the shuttle, not in the control room. i'm a little concerned that i didnt do a good job of communicating that (since several people brought it up as well).

overall i think i need to add more purpose to the script. i think Tom needs a bit more explaining/back story. just something to tie it all together. when you consider bowie's space oddity, im essentially saying that allison is communicating with an astronaut who floats deeper into space. how? well thats something im trying to figure out. furthermore, when you consider that space oddity is alluding to 2001 a space oddity, it gets even more complex. so perhaps i'll find a way to tie it in with that movie.

thanks for the read ED. it's greatly appreciated

I read this script a couple of days ago and I really enjoyed it.  I wasn't sure where it was going at first, but the end summed everything up.  Good story with an even better ending.  Keep up the good work!

Gave this a read, and then read all the posts. Can I say that reading the posts was more fun?  

Sorry. I don't want to sound sarcastic. It did come over very flat to me, and like Heretic, my immediate thought was, 'what was the point in that'. I did get that Deb was supposed to be an astronaut, but then it lacked punch. Like many others (dare I say most? All?) I completely missed the challenger bit, and then I didn't know a teacher was on it; it was a cold day etc etc; so all of these are good points, and the script is evidently layered, but they remain good points missed (by the reader).

For me the key problem is that Debs only 'has to go to work' and this needs playing up. Why only say work? There is more mystery, expectation etc, if she just has to go - maybe not say - alternatively, play on it - if  Allie has her make believe friend in space, why can't Allie say something like 'Are you going to see Tom in space?' - this gives hints, and Debs doesn't need to answer (she can be interrupted by Andrew etc). I think that this would help to give the story a full-circle feel -  ending are so much better when you have referenced them earlier on.

Other thing - I would have Andrew playing 'Major Tom' just to lay it on until the reveal. Without having hints/references acting as the 'guy-lines' in the script, then the reveal is in danger of just becoming a bolt-on option, so theoretically you could have anything happen at the end (and thus bear the brunt of Heretic's frustration), because there is nothing tying it in to the script. Guy-line fed reveals mean that it can only be the option that is finally revealed, and even if the reader guesses before hand, then it doesn't ruin the script because they have this great satisfaction that they put the puzzle together.

Best o'luck.

hey Branzig, thanks so much for the read. let me know when you post something so that i can return the favor.

and thanks for reading as well sicoll. ill be honest with you, i agree 50/50 with you. for example, i definitely agree that i need to shed more light on the o-ring and teacher thing. however, i feel like people should know what the challenger was. if you reside in the states and your older than 30, then you'll definitely know about it. i passed it around to some of my older friends, and they all got the challenger reference (and the david bowie references). so i dont want to spoon feed my reader too much. but i definitely see where you're coming from.

and i agree with the tom reference. thats why i included the line "i'll say hi to him if i see him." but maybe that was a bit too obscure. i feel like its a thin line between saying too little and saying too much. ill definitely put some more "hints" in the script though because the ending feels a bit flat without em.

and i definitely see what you mean about the major tom references. in the rewrite, im going to do some more investigating and somehow tie it in closer with the story. major tom is a reference to 2001 a space oddity, so im sure i can find some material there.

in all actuality, i guess i agree with you 90% and disagree with you 10% haha. regardless, i really appreciate the read and comments. they were incredibly helpful.

Hey Will,

I haven’t read through the other comments, so my apologies if I repeat something.

This one wasn’t too bad. I liked your descriptions and use of foreshadowing in the dialogue (“I’ll make sure to say hello if I see him”).  I’m still questioning the Tom character, and how exactly Maxi didn’t see Allie do whatever it was she did.

Wait, Allie didn’t sleepwalk one night and fuck with the Challenger, did she!? I now have the image of a six-year-old girl standing beneath a space shuttle with a Playskool screwdriver…

This one makes you think. Nice work.

Chris