Conwall, Fade In: should be, if included at all, to the left.  If you are using Final Draft 8 they have, for some stupid reason, Fade In set as a custom transition... You need to change it to simply "Custom", here you can name it fade in and it will automatically position it to where it needs to be.   I've no clue why they never fixed it, and many users of fd expressed concern over it and other bugs within the software.

Fade In:  should be, to the Cole & Haag standard, 1.9 inch from the left of the page.  < This is a reference for you to add it under a custom header if you so choose.  Cole & Haag is really the rule of thumb when it comes to screenplays... While it has slightly become less relevant, the teaching supplied ample space, read down the page with very little left to right wandering and very direct, precise wording.  Nothing showy and flashy... just the basics.

Hi - I've seen you a lot giving feedback to other scripts and that's good.

You've been given some good feedback, and taking that on board is valuable.

Someone said you can tell if someone can write in the first sentence. But it takes a page to see if they can't write. I read two pages: You have potential.

I'll try and nutshell some issues:

MRS KIPPLING, a short lady in a night gown enters the kitchen
tapping her wrist. Her  hair is neatly tied back.
MRS. KIPPLING
Past eleven. You know I worry.
LILITH
Mom, why do you not trust me?
MRS. KIPPLING
It�s not a trust issue Lillie, I�m trying to keep you safe.
Besides, your room looks like a pig sty.


MRS KIPPLING (53), short, hair tied back, in a night gown, enters the kitchen.
Taps her wrist.
MRS KIPPLING
Past eleven.
(beat)
You know I worry.
LILITH
Why don't you trust me?
MRS KIPPLING
I�m trying to keep you safe.
Lilith turns away.
MRS. KIPPLING
(exasperated)
Besides, your room looks like a pig sty.

See what you think.

Thank you for the review...appreciated....At first, when I landed here from my strange planet, I was timid about reviewing and replying until after the owc posted and I was told to read and review so, that's what I've done and I'm learning.

I have since taken the Mrs Kippling character out all together ..A couple of people made comment about that scene so I deleted it. I also put an opening scene in there that was more inviting that "a car rolls up into a parking lot" and I've changed the ending just slightly.

I have resubmitted it but the rewrite isn't up yet. Thank you for reading and if you have a minute or 8 would love you to read the rewrite when it's posted.

I'm not the biggest vampire fan in the world,  but I have to say your story kept me interested to the end.
It's an easy read, moves fast. You don't bog it down with unnecessary description.
The dialogue is pretty simple and has a nice flow to it. Good job there.
However, I was expecting some kind of twist at the end.
Maybe Brendan decides to kill his aunt, by slicing off her head?
Just a thought, being he got to know the other two a bit.
Also, the news report about 30 murders is a bit too much. I live in Chicago, and people would get spooked by a news report of three people getting their heads cut off. I'd recommend a smaller number to make it more realistic.

Thanks tons Steex....This was literally my 2nd attempt at screenwriting so if you made it through it....blessing enough for me. Still in the learning process...appreciate the hell out of this site and all the peeps in here for their help.

Dena

Hopefully everyone's feedback helps you make your script(s) as good as they can be.
Most people on here are pretty nice and willing to help.

Of course...I've learned a ton and continue to learn something new everyday and I owe it all to this site and the people on here! Honestly....I do!

Shout out to Don and everyone here for all your help!!!!

A special shout out to Kevin for all his help and his willingness to deal with me.

Hey Dena,

An old script from you that I've never seen. Are you still after feedback?

All the best.

Steve

No Steve...do NOT even read this It's ummm very old.

I'm still pluggin away on Clairvoyance ..maybe soon I'll get it finished Thank you for everything...the reads...advice.

dena

Quoted from Pale Yellow No Steve...do NOT even read this It's ummm very old. I'm still pluggin away on Clairvoyance ..maybe soon I'll get it finished Thank you for everything...the reads...advice. dena

Glad I asked now.

I enjoyed the opening to Clairvoyance and was sorry you couldn’t get it finished in time but your get there. I’m looking forward to reading it when finished.

Steve

Dena

Ok, straight off the bat, I have to say that I’m pretty sick of vampire and zombie films. I enjoy them as much as the next person, adored the original Bram Stoker novel and Romero’s 70s films but boy have I had my fill for the time being.

Regardless of my prejudices, this was undoubtedly an interesting piece of work with lots of potential and room for expansion. One can join the dots more or less straight away between Braeden and Ursula and this mass grave of headless corpses, I don’t think you attempt to hide that. What I took to be at the centre of this is the blossoming relationship between Lilith and Braedan, the big question on my mind was, is he going to kill her at the behest of the domineering Ursula.

You build things nicely, I liked the twist on the genre about only eating the head and waiting for the right time, it ties in with the whole idea of vampires and abstinence, a common motif as exercised to the maximum in the Twilight series. Braedan penchant for salt was also an amusing if creepy aside to his character. It was intriguing to see Braeden’s obvious urges being suppressed by Ursula and how he was going to go to react to it.

Lilith and Adriana were well drawn, typical teenage Goths; apathetic, too cool for school and fascinated by the strange and macabre looking Breadan. I appreciate your attention to slang and pronunciation associated with that particular demographic, all well observed.

However, I was disappointed by the ending in that he just ends up killing her and that’s all. It almost felt like an intro to a bigger story which is why I say it has potential and room for further expansion. I wanted more in this final scene which at least tells you I was hooked until then.

I hope you continue with this.

Col.

Thanks Col.

This was a new script when I first found the world of screenwriting. I'm not sure I've gotten better or worse since then but it was a fun story to write. I don't like vampire or zombie flicks either but everyone on here nearly had one, so I decided what the heck!

Thanks for reading it and your comments.....

Seems I'm a little late to the show. Even so, having read it, I thought I'd drop a few quick comments.

The opening is very well written. It has a cinematic feel. It reads like a screenplay. Nice work.

The dialogue was excellent. It's an easy read. It's well paced. My only real complaint is that the end was anti-climatic.

Anyway, I enjoyed the read. Thanks.  

Very kewl....glad you liked it ....I agree the end sucked.

Thank you bunches....

Thanks for posting rewrite Don