Will

I think I’ve only read a couple of skits from you so it was encouraging to see you tackle an actual self contained story with a beginning, middle and end.

HENRY
Because every damn night I tell you
no knives. And every damn night I
have to repeat myself. Annoying,
ain’t it?

-- Good comeback, Col.

MELINDA
Don’t blame me. If you hadn’t lost
the war then maybe we’d still have
some extra hands round here.

-- Nice, She bites too.

Your writing for the most part is decent. Some nice turns of phrase an inventive descriptions such as:

“Henry’s face mirrors his sinking stomach.”

I find myself recommending this a lot because I firmly believe in it but I would cut out the word “and” as much as possible in the prose and replace it with a comma, just helps the fluidity of the read. Other than that the descriptive was solid, perhaps could be trimmed here and there but brevity comes in time. As it stands, you’re developing a good style, going in the right direction, just always be looking to pair it down where possible.

As for the story, it sure was an interesting one. I loved the dreary, hopeless southern post war setting. The old colonial mansion, neglected cotton fields and empty slave quarters gave it a real sense of time and place. Henry, although having some good lines as stated above came off as almost overtly gruff and belligerent in the beginning, an almost caricature of the surly, embittered southern war veteran. Lines such as:

HENRY
You better hope someone’s there or
else I’m gonna beat a tar baby out
of you...house negro.

Felt a little overkill. I mean, why would he even say this since if no one is there does it not back up Melinda’s claim?

Anyway, I digress...and to your credit, this rude, aggressive man is justified in the latter stages of the script when we learn of his history.

I liked the build up of tension when realising Eli is missing, the ominous plumb-line hanging in the slave quarters and the sinister writing in blood on the wall. You sequence it nicely, leaving us curious as to what’s waiting for Henryback at the house.

The scenario of the ghost coming back to haunt the man who wronged him has been done a thousand times, the severed ear and sliced neck were grizzly testimonies of their past, fractious relationship but the plot-line is nothing new. However, and I’m sure I speak for anybody who reads this, I wasn’t expecting the reveal you laid us with.

“SUPER: Anderson, Georgia - April 7, 1865 (six months prior)”

-- Either have the date or the time lapse but not both. I know, it’s a small thing but it feels like you’re spoon feedin’ us.

This would catch the most seasoned, observant viewer off guard and therein lies the strength of the piece giving it an extra dimension I frankly didn’t think it had. Some might scorn it for its implausibility and accuse you of crass, shock tactics but who knows if this didn’t go on or not. I thought within the context, the period, the obvious ethnic clashes of the time on top of the way Henry is portrayed prior to the scenes in the cell that it jars so much it actually works brilliantly. Such a sucker punch from out so far out the blue that it left me dazed and confused, somewhere between shock and incredulous bemusement…but either way, it evoked a reaction from me and that’s a positive thing.

I thought you ended it rather abruptly. I was anticipating a brief epilogue where a grieving Melinda would take in the horrific scene before her, bewildered,  unknowing of Henry’s true nature...until she investigated the bible given to her by Amos. Not completely necessary of course but it would have bookended the piece nicely.

Anyway, I liked what you done here, more for the surprising twist than anything but you showed some nice flourishes in there too among the set up, characterization and setting.

Good work.

Col.

hey Col, please excuse my delayed response. this one laid low for a bit until you commented on it. overall, i don't have much to say except THANK YOU! seriously, your review was full of encouragement and i'm stoked that you liked it. i'm going to tweak a few things (some of which you mentioned) in the rewrite. but seriously dude, you rock and thanks a mill.

Hey Will,

This was different.

Are you going to do a rewrite on this one?

The reason why I ask is because the stake others mentioned is still there.

I also agree with Phil about Amos reading. It doesn't ring true.

Maybe Amos kept the love letters the Colonel wrote to him for safe keeping (even though he couldn't read) and would ask the Colonel to read them to him again because it helped him through his days in the cell. ??

But then again, I'm not sure about him and the Colonel being in love. Maybe the Colonel was using him for sex and blurted it out right before he killed him.

It was a different type of script than I usually read. Different and interesting enough to keep me reading to see what was going to happen next.

I didn't see the ending coming, so that was good, too.  

Cindy

P.S. Thanks for reading my short.  I plan on doing a rewrite for that one. Just gotta find the time.  

So what if the characters aren't likeable? You still managed to establish a mood and an interesting atmosphere.

Like someone else previously mentioned, some sort of "clue" about Henry's sexual preferences, for instance his wife mentions he's impotent, well, maybe couse he's too old i figured...but now im guessing its couse he's not into ladies, then again they had a little boy together.

What kept me reading in all this, besides being well written, was because i really wanted to find out what on earth made Amos return from the grave to haunt Henry's for not keeping his promise, and then you really suprised me in the end, like many other readers. For a second i actually thought Amos was Henry's son with some other slave or something.

I think you can work past the historical innacuries and such and still keep the same plot, and i really did enjoyed the bible reading part, his name being Amos and all, and him quoting Amos verses, had a nice tone to it.