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A Day When Dreams Come True by Julia Bocharova (bo) - Short, Comedy - One day a funny poor guy finds out that water from the tap in his kitchen has turned into beer. 4 pages - pdf, format
Something about this idea attracted me, nothing to do with free beer of course.
I'll have a guess that english is not your first language. Hope I'm right.
SPOILERS
Anyway, there are quite a lot of writing issues, but let's stick to the story. It's a one punch line story, nothing wrong in that for four pages, but the way it is structured lacks bite and the twist not connected to the main story adequately, or clearly.
However, as a simple idea, probably easy to film, it may have something about it, but I would concentrate on setting up the boy so that we understand the character more. This will allow the reader to understand and feel the emotion of his discovery and then the deflation of the reality
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Guessing you're a Britt on the use of the word FLAT in your slug.
"Marina demonstrates a lot of empty beer bottles on the table and shakes her head."
Now I'm guessing English is your second language. You can't Demonstrate empty bottles, but you can point to them...
Okay. English is definitely your second language. I like the idea of this story, though. It needs to be set up better. You have a decent prank wanting more attention.
I would like to see the beer tap as more of a test. Maybe he wants to move, she doesn't. He says he'll only stay if the tap turns into beer... then it does. I think a scenario like that would be fun to play with. Good luck!
I'll agree with the previous comments here. This is basically a 4 minute gag. I've no problem with it but you could do more with it if you wanted? Not really sure what else to say other than it needs some work.
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Reef Dreamer, jwent6688, alffy, thanks for your replies. They are impotant for me.
English is not my first language, you're right. I've tried to do my best in translating but it isn't so easy. Sorry for mistakes. I hope, I'll gradually improve my English by reading the scripts and discussing them here.
//This is basically a 4 minute gag.//
Actually, it was a 2 minute scetch. That's why I didn't work on haracters as much as needed in scenarios.
I see, this script is not a masterwork. I've choosed it to translate into English because it's the shortest in my archive. ) Just to do the first step.
//Maybe he wants to move, she doesn't. He says he'll only stay if the tap turns into beer... then it does.//
Well today my dream didn't come true... there I was hoping this was a true story and there was indeed a magical sink tap out there dispersing beer but it turned out to be a gag! I'm disappointed.
But onto the script here, writing wise it needs work and is filtered with mistakes but with English being your second language, lets try to move past that.
I do love a good prank and this one is pretty good as it goes and something I wish I'd come up with myself. What would improve this, well I would have liked to have seen this happen with all his friends around, something about him boasting about it and then the reveal... it would make it more embarrassing for him.
It would also help if we knew more about him as right now all I can image is "Barney Gumble" and I don't this is the image you want.
I would have liked to have seen this happen with all his friends around,
SPOILERS
Let me think... It could be a Valentine's Day or a St. Patrick's Day. And all the girls of their company have decided to make a surprise for the boyfriends. It seems to be a real miracle, more true-looking.
Andrew is the first guy who wakes up and finds out the maracle (so that his friends couldn't tell him about kegs when he calls them). He is the only one who wastes all the beer. But it have been his girlfriend who offered to surprise guys and arranged it.
Just read your script - I think it's a fun premise, liked the script too. It's entertaining. A bit light - I mean there's no learning for your main character but that's okay.
I think translating is much harder than writing from scratch in your target language. I think you better approach it differently - think of a new premise and start writing in English, no translation involved. I usually finish a script and then I need sometime off of it, so when I proof it I see all the grammar flops.
Over and above what has already been stated i think you need to write for a movie as you writing needs the fluff removed. For example
"ANDREW, a funny guy of 20-25, finishes his beer and shows the empty glass to MARINA, a nice girl of 18-22. She pours corn curls out of the pack onto a dish on the kitchen table."
Andrew, a funny guy ???? How do we know he is a funny guy ? It cant be filmed ? Maybe say something about him like ANDREW (25) wears a Jester's hat, finishes his beer ......
Same for Marina. "Marina a nice girl" how can a director show she is a nice girl ? An attractive MARINA (22)...........
Hope you get the idea and look forward to reading an edited version.
Just some notes on your writing and dialogue although I’m thinking English may not be your first language. If so, this is a decent effort.
Try to pair down the prose as much as you can but still deliver the same description details:
“A jolly party is in full swing. Loud sounds of music are deafening. Several GUYS and GIRLS, 18-25, are dancing in the middle of the room, some of them are drinking beer and talking.”
-- Your opening block of action lines is a case in point and could be tightened up like this:
“A jolly party is in full swing. Loud music deafens. Several GUYS and GIRLS, 18-25, dance in the middle of the room, others drink beer, talk.”
-- The same information is given but in with less words. Always look to drop the present participle (-ing) which in turn omits the need for are/is. “Andrew is walking” can be written as “Andrew walks.”
Also a comma, in the majority of cases, can be used instead of “and” as it quickens the read and further reduces space.
“Marina smiles and turns on the water tap.”
-- Can be written as:
“Marina smiles, turns on the water tap.”
ANDREW Damned…
-- I don’t think anybody has said this since before the last century, feels very old fashioned. To say “Damn” feels right but that added “ed” sets it back a hundred years.
ANDREW What a bullshit?...
-- Again, this doesn’t feel like natural dialogue.
ANDREW Why not? Did they bother you? I can give parties without buying drinks now! And no headache in the morning.
-- Just curious, why would he think he won’t get a hangover? Granted its inexplicable coming out of tap so he assumes it to be no ordinary brew but it’s still an unwarranted assumption to make.
Conceptually, it has its moments. Like I said above, it’s all a bit silly as the hapless Andrew fantasizes long into the future about his plans instead of taking a moment to logically assess the situation but I realise that’s the tone you’re going for.
Perhaps make Andrew and Marina a bit older so the worrying about bills feels more organic and suited to their age. I’m not saying late teens and early twenty year olds can’t possibly fret over bills but it’s usually down to exceptional circumstances i.e. dead/negligent parents or they have a child to look after, all of which you’re not going to get into here so raising their ages would make it more realistic without requiring explanation.
I liked the final reveal and Marina’s last line, it made me smile.