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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Day When Dreams Come True Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 24th, 2012, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Day When Dreams Come True by Julia Bocharova (bo) - Short, Comedy - One day a funny poor guy finds out that water from the tap in his kitchen has turned into beer. 4 pages - pdf, format


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 24th, 2012, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey Julia,

Something about this idea attracted me, nothing to do with free beer of course.

I'll have a guess that english is not your first language. Hope I'm right.

SPOILERS

Anyway, there are quite a lot of writing issues, but let's stick to the story. It's a one punch line story, nothing wrong in that for four pages, but the way it is structured lacks bite and the twist not connected to the main story adequately, or clearly.

However, as a simple idea, probably easy to film, it may have something about it, but I would concentrate on setting up the boy so that we understand the character more. This will allow the reader to understand and feel  the emotion of his discovery and then the deflation of the reality

One to practice with.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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jwent6688
Posted: June 24th, 2012, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Julia,

Guessing you're a Britt on the use of the word FLAT in your slug.

"Marina demonstrates a lot of empty beer bottles on the
table and shakes her head."

Now I'm guessing English is your second language. You can't Demonstrate empty bottles, but you can point to them...

Okay. English is definitely your second language. I like the idea of this story, though. It needs to be set up better. You have a decent prank wanting more attention.

I would like to see the beer tap as more of a test. Maybe he wants to move, she doesn't. He says he'll only stay if the tap turns into beer... then it does. I think a scenario like that would be fun to play with. Good luck!

James


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alffy
Posted: June 24th, 2012, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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I'll agree with the previous comments here.  This is basically a 4 minute gag.  I've no problem with it but you could do more with it if you wanted?  Not really sure what else to say other than it needs some work.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Bo
Posted: June 24th, 2012, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Administrator, thank you for posting my script!

Reef Dreamer, jwent6688, alffy, thanks for your replies. They are impotant for me.

English is not my first language, you're right. I've tried to do my best in translating but it isn't so easy. Sorry for mistakes.
I hope, I'll gradually improve my English by reading the scripts and discussing them here.

//This is basically a 4 minute gag.//

Actually, it was a 2 minute scetch. That's why I didn't work on haracters as much as needed in scenarios.

I see, this script is not a masterwork. I've choosed it to translate into English because it's the shortest in my archive. ) Just to do the first step.

//Maybe he wants to move, she doesn't. He says he'll only stay if the tap turns into beer... then it does.//

Thank you for the idea! I'll think about it.


Low-budget short comedy "A day when dreams come true": http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1340547262/
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CoopBazinga
Posted: June 25th, 2012, 12:20am Report to Moderator
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Hey Julia,

Well today my dream didn't come true... there I was hoping this was a true story and there was indeed a magical sink tap out there dispersing beer but it turned out to be a gag! I'm disappointed.

But onto the script here, writing wise it needs work and is filtered with mistakes but with English being your second language, lets try to move past that.

I do love a good prank and this one is pretty good as it goes and something I wish I'd come up with myself. What would improve this, well I would have liked to have seen this happen with all his friends around, something about him boasting about it and then the reveal... it would make it more embarrassing for him.

It would also help if we knew more about him as right now all I can image is "Barney Gumble" and I don't this is the image you want.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve
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Bo
Posted: June 25th, 2012, 3:27am Report to Moderator
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Hey CoopBazinga,

Thank you for the comment!


Quoted from CoopBazinga
I would have liked to have seen this happen with all his friends around,


SPOILERS

Let me think... It could be a Valentine's Day or a St. Patrick's Day. And all the girls of their company have decided to make a surprise for the boyfriends. It seems to be a real miracle, more true-looking.

Andrew is the first guy who wakes up and finds out the maracle (so that his friends couldn't tell him about kegs when he calls them).
He is the only one who wastes all the beer. But it have been his girlfriend who offered to surprise guys and arranged it.

Something in that way?


Quoted from CoopBazinga
It would also help if we knew more about him as right now all I can image is "Barney Gumble" and I don't this is the image you want.


Well, maybe you and the previous readers are right and I should make a real story with full of life characters, not a scetch.


Thanks to all who have read my script. I'll be glad to return the read. I just need some time to come through the foreign words.


Low-budget short comedy "A day when dreams come true": http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1340547262/
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khamanna
Posted: June 25th, 2012, 3:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Julia,

Just read your script - I think it's a fun premise, liked the script too. It's entertaining. A bit light - I mean there's no learning for your main character but that's okay.

I think translating is much harder than writing from scratch in your target language. I think you better approach it differently - think of a new premise and start writing in English, no translation involved.
I usually finish a script and then I need sometime off of it, so when I proof it I see all the grammar flops.

Anyway, good luck to you! Post more;)
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Bo
Posted: June 25th, 2012, 5:58am Report to Moderator
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Khamanna, glad to meet you here. And thank you for discovering this Forum for me.  

I'll use your advise when I start working on the next story.

Where can I read you scripts?


Low-budget short comedy "A day when dreams come true": http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1340547262/
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Alex_212
Posted: June 25th, 2012, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Julia,

Great Idea though the script does need work.

Over and above what has already been stated i think you need to write for a movie as you writing needs the fluff removed. For example

"ANDREW, a funny guy of 20-25, finishes his beer and shows
the empty glass to MARINA, a nice girl of 18-22. She pours
corn curls out of the pack onto a dish on the kitchen
table."

Andrew, a funny guy ???? How do we know he is a funny guy ? It cant be filmed ?
Maybe say something about him like ANDREW (25) wears a Jester's hat, finishes his beer ......

Same for Marina. "Marina a nice girl" how can a director show she is a nice girl ?
An attractive MARINA (22)...........

Hope you get the idea and look forward to reading an edited version.

Regards Alex





PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.
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khamanna
Posted: June 25th, 2012, 11:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Bo


Where can I read you scripts?


Thanks, Julia, for the offer! My latest is Big Five O and it's in shorts section.

Please don't think you have to read it - up to you;) There are so many good writers here... -maybe you'd want to catch up first
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Colkurtz8
Posted: June 28th, 2012, 7:54am Report to Moderator
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Julia

This was ok, silly but sweet nonetheless.

Just some notes on your writing and dialogue although I’m thinking English may not be your first language. If so, this is a decent effort.

Try to pair down the prose as much as you can but still deliver the same description details:

“A jolly party is in full swing. Loud sounds of music are
deafening. Several GUYS and GIRLS, 18-25, are dancing in
the middle of the room, some of them are drinking beer and
talking.”

-- Your opening block of action lines is a case in point and could be tightened up like this:

“A jolly party is in full swing. Loud music deafens.
Several GUYS and GIRLS, 18-25, dance in
the middle of the room, others drink beer,
talk.”

-- The same information is given but in with less words. Always look to drop the present participle (-ing) which in turn omits the need for are/is. “Andrew is walking” can be written as “Andrew walks.”

Also a comma, in the majority of cases, can be used instead of “and” as it quickens the read and further reduces space.

“Marina smiles and turns on the water tap.”

-- Can be written as:

“Marina smiles, turns on the water tap.”

ANDREW
Damned…

-- I don’t think anybody has said this since before the last century, feels very old fashioned. To say “Damn” feels right but that added “ed” sets it back a hundred years.

ANDREW
What a bullshit?...

-- Again, this doesn’t feel like natural dialogue.

ANDREW
Why not? Did they bother
you? I can give parties
without buying drinks now!
And no headache in the
morning.

-- Just curious, why would he think he won’t get a hangover?  Granted its inexplicable coming out of tap so he assumes it to be no ordinary brew but it’s still an unwarranted assumption to make.

Conceptually, it has its moments. Like I said above, it’s all a bit silly as the hapless Andrew fantasizes long into the future about his plans instead of taking a moment to logically assess the situation but I realise that’s the tone you’re going for.

Perhaps make Andrew and Marina a bit older so the worrying about bills feels more organic and suited to their age. I’m not saying late teens and early twenty year olds can’t possibly fret over bills but it’s usually down to exceptional circumstances i.e. dead/negligent parents or they have a child to look after, all of which you’re not going to get into here so raising their ages would make it more realistic without requiring explanation.

I liked the final reveal and Marina’s last line, it made me smile.

Keep at it.

Col.


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Bo
Posted: July 2nd, 2012, 2:09am Report to Moderator
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Col, thank you for the analysis. Of course, you're right.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
-- Just curious, why would he think he won’t get a hangover?


He means, he'll always be able to treat himself quickly by beer in the morning.


Low-budget short comedy "A day when dreams come true": http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1340547262/
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Bo
Posted: July 2nd, 2012, 2:24am Report to Moderator
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Alex, thanks.


Quoted from Alex_212
How do we know he is a funny guy ? It cant be filmed ?


It's a simple rule and I wonder, why I've written so. It must be a wily bug. Shame on me  


Low-budget short comedy "A day when dreams come true": http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1340547262/
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Colkurtz8
Posted: July 2nd, 2012, 6:17am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Bo
He means, he'll always be able to treat himself quickly by beer in the morning.


- Ha, I never looked at it like that, a real alco's way of thinking, nice.



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