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I'm assuming you're the new user here, who has been contributing quite a lot, recently? If not, Oh well, you just got a free read, anyway
This script definitely has it's faults. The main issue with this is probably overwriting. You tend to go into details that really don't matter to us. I'm estimating, but I reckon you can cut down on this by a good three pages. Although it has it's faults, it also has a lot going for it. The story for example... Not original, but it's something that people will always love. Stories about friendship and similar themes are always the stories that go far, so keep working on this one. Producers are likely to pick it up. You touch on some sensitive themes, which really are quite moving, such as poverty, friendship and family relationships. The story was worth the many writing issues
"The many writing issues..." - Sounds incredibly negative, right? Yes, there are many issues, but nothing that can't be fixed in a few minutes.
Alright, moving on.
Page 1: "EXT. TOWN - ROADSIDE - DAY - TRACKING" - First mistake, right here. Okay, so there's the possibility that you're directing this yourself, which is fine. However, as a reader seeing something like "TRACKING" isn't what I want to see. The choice of camera techniques/shots/angles is down to the director, not you. If you're directing this, scrap that last comment and mentally pull the fingers at me.
"Although his running style is an ungainly whir of legs and arms, we get an overwhelming sense of raw speed." - The dreaded "we" in this sentence. Need I say more?
As already mentioned, you do tend to overwrite in this piece by quite a bit. Below is a perfect example...
Page 1: "A small bag of shopping swings wildly from one hand as he races down the side of the park." - Normally, I wouldn't complain about words ending in "ly" but here, it seems to be a problem. Do you really need to use the word "wildly" in the above sentence? Seems picky, I know, but it's things like this that really distinguish a good script from a great script.
I don't like being a pain, so if you would like a pm, I can point out spots that I thought need a little more attention, in terms of your overwriting. Just flick me a pm, if you want me to go into more detail.
Page 2: "The girls applaud loudly before almost losing their balance and clutching each at other in peals of laughter." Think you mean "... and clutching AT EACH OTHER..."
"The lad's lost for a second..." - At first I thought you were referring to Devereaux and his friends with this. Maybe, just stick to using names when talking about characters.
On page 2, you write the slug...
"EXT. PARK - DAY"
-No initial problem with this, except you have already written us into the park. We know that's where we are, so why write another slug stating the same thing?
"SHOT - LONG WAY BACK" - Another spec script no-no, here. As we are not directing the script, including things like specific shots mean nothing to us. They just get in the way of the read.
Page 6: "The first day of a new school year..." - Other than you stating this in the previous scene, how is this going to show up on film?
Page 7:
TEACHER I know you're all excited to be back but if you could turn your enthusiasm for talking into an enthusiasm for beginning the lesson then that would be great -
- I'm sorry, that didn't make sense, for me...
Page 7:
TEACHER And you should all have got the letter about games, there won't be any excuses about forgetting. Keith, I mean you, anyone who hasn't got appropriate kit will have to do it in their underwear ok?
- Nothing wrong with this, at all. It's just an amusing line...
Page 8: "INT. SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY" - Again, you write a different slug for the same location.
I appreciate the way you describe Deveraux. You have a not-so-subtle way of suggesting he's a spoiled little shit. Good writing, here.
That's about it, really. Overall, a really good story, but the writing does need a little more attention, some major trimming down. Getting rid of that fat should be your priority from now on. The story's there, now it's about capitalising on the technical side of things.
See ya around:
Dan
P.S. If you would like me to point out some other parts that I though needed a little more attention, please let me know via pm. I'm willing to go into detail.
Page 1: "A small bag of shopping swings wildly from one hand as he races down the side of the park." - Normally, I wouldn't complain about words ending in "ly" but here, it seems to be a problem. Do you really need to use the word "wildly" in the above sentence? Seems picky, I know, but it's things like this that really distinguish a good script from a great script.
-- picky is good. Plus if you've read my feedback on other people's writing, including your own stuff, you'll know if I complain at picky wow am I a bare-faced hypocrite. Ok, I am a hypocrite most of the time anyway, but that'd be taking the p*ss lmao.
It's all good man, it's all useful. It's stuff like that that would never have even occurred to me, but when you say it - it makes sense.]
Hey Marriot, I've seen you reading posting feedback, as well, so kudos for that. It's how SS works and you seem to have it down, which is great to see.
I opened this up and gave it a peek. Your writing structure seems solid, but as Dan pointed out, it is very long winded and full or over writing and repetition. Dan said he though you cold maybe shave 3 pages off. I'm going to tell you that I know for a fact you can shave more than 8 pages off...easily. You could possibly cut this in 1/2, actually.
You continually repeat the same Slug over and over, right after each other. If you truly want to stay in the same Slug but show passing time, just use the Mini "LATER". But, actually, alot of these repeated Slugs aren't really quite accurate.
You don't want to tell us what characters are thinking - these are called "unfilmables".
Words ending in "ly" are usually adverbs. You want to stay away from them for the most part, as they're usually a waste. Here, they're running around everywhere, sometimes repeated in the next line even.
I think the best advice right now is very simple - if you picture this script playing on a screen in your head, how long does it run? I don't think it should be more than 12 or 13 minutes, max. You know the old rule of thumb, right? 1 page of prose equals 1 minute of film - it's far from exact on a page by page basis, but overall, it's an effective way to see if you're overwriting or not.
Good to see you around here, mate. Keep at it and keep reading. It always helps.
ahaha - it was originally titled "a ten minute short" but that was before i started writing! i wanted ten minutes, because in my head that's a standard time for shorts, right-ly or wrong-ly. (See - feedback is good, the adverb advice already working). I'm a firm believer in judicious cutting as a way of forcing yourself to really examine what's needed and what's not - my creative writing experience til now was in way way shorter forms. What I need to learn is what's necessary and what's not for screenplays. But I hear the road to carnegie hall's always got room for one more, so I'm a try and walk it hard.
And I'm getting the impression that adverbs are definitely not good. No worries. Will go through line by line, cutting-ly. Plus it'll flag up in my head next time I feel my fingers loving-ly head that direction on my keyboard
Slugs are still confusing me, it's not just things like the sports day where I wanted to show reactions to the same event at the same time, from people in different locations, or intercut the dad's admonishments to devereaux with the teacher's second ready/steady/go... it is everywhere. (If you wanted to have a real laugh, I'll post the first draft, oh my oh my, talk about attack of the mutant gastropods.).
But seriously, slugs ARE confusing me. I can't quite get in my head the difference between a slug, a scene heading, a shot/pov direction, a 'suggestion', how-to sound effects, inserts - the whole caboodle.
There's different places on the web with different approaches, and like dan questioned 'tracking' which i put in after reading -- can't remember which site it was -- but some site that said 'tracking' and 'moving' (for vehicles) were encouraged.
So please, I'm looking for a guide I can follow and stick to - my preferred style would be the most minimal use of slugs I can get away with (keeping it simple). I've seen people refer to some screenplay format guide from the 1980s but I guess styles change etc. Any suggestions welcome.
But as ever, thank you for taking the time to read and give advice - it's the first screenplay i wrote, it's the first one i posted up here, and the feedback is already doing me so much good i can feel it.
Marriot, Slugs can and should be your bestest buddies, as they can say and show so much, while not taking up any extra space (lines).
Don't be concerned by using them when you need to, just remember 3 important things.
1) Be 100% consistent with your Slugs - meaning, if you start with a Slug of "SEXY SARA'S PORN DEN - TORTURE ROOM", make sure every time you go back to this place of ill repute, you stay true to your original Slug - "SEXY SARA'S PORN DEN". That's what it is and that's what it will remain. When you go to a different room, you'd have something like this - "SEXY SARA'S PORN DEN - HONEYMOON SUITE".
2) Be as descriptive as you can with your Slug to set your scene properly. Peeps often use things like "HOUSE", "FARM" "BATHROOM", etc. But, what happens when you have multiple houses on your script? A few different fields? Know what I'm saying? "TOM'S HOUSE". SANDERSON FARM". "SEXY SARA'S BATHROOM".
3) Every single time the "scene" changes, you need a new Slug. Every single time.
Stay away from directing in your script. A "tracking shot" can be alluded to by using Mini Slugs as a character moves from 1 room to another. POV shots are completely unnecessary to the story, but can convey cool visuals if handled properly.
Keep it simple at first and produce strong visual writing. That's the real key.
Dan seems to have given you a lot to go on and he and Jeff are right, you can easily lose about half the pages here. The story is nice enough; lonely boy makes enemies who eventually become friends. I'll be honest and say it was a bit of a slog to get through as your over writing really slowed the pace down. Trim this up and it would read much better.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
The over-writing keeps cropping up hehe. I think the paraoia about not having a good enough narrative voice made me over-compensate wildly. Wild–ly lol. On which note: Had a look over the first couple of pages after reading the comments and wow - there’s more things happening ‘loudly’ than there are scenes. Made me laugh how they all slipped through, it’s been re-drafted and (what I thought was) tightened a few times. I knew it was too long but couldn’t work out how to condense, this time I’ll have an idea what to look for.
Are there any good ‘example’ scripts someone could point me to for good slug use? If memory serves, there’s a historical action screenplay somewhere on the site that starts with Vikings landing in Portugal – it got glowing reviews for description and format and I can remember thinking w00t when I read it the first time. I’m a go find that and read over, but any others would be appreciated also.
Again thanks, and also thanks to everyone who’s welcomed me in other threads and pms. It makes a telling difference, it really does. If there’s any useful reading/responding i can do in return for all the friendly help, message me.
Seen you working hard around the boards and giving out some reads so I decided to open this up and take a peek.
Sorry mate but I bailed by page 4, but I would like to point out why I stopped to help you here.
For starters, I would keep the title page simple and get rid of “a short” and the big font title style. I guess this is more preference but it does look amateur to have it like you do.
“EXT. TOWN - ROADSIDE – DAY” A tad vague maybe but then let’s look at the opening line:
An English town on a late summer's afternoon””
This is repeated information which could have all been addressed in the slug easily.
English town like “town” in the slug
How do we know its late summer? Of course, it’s about to rain like English summer’s normally do. But maybe you could mention something about his attire, think visually to get your story across.
It’s the afternoon but again “day” is already in the slug so no need to mention this.
“the air has that gloom of impending storm.” The air? Do you mean sky?
You’ve then repeated the same slug but added camera directions which were filtered throughout these opening 4 pages let me add.
“INTRO:” This can go…the reader knows you’re introducing a character, that’s why you cap them on first intro.
So straight away there were issues and this continued on.
You keep repeating the same slug which is odd, we’ve never left the scene and this is continuous action right?
You have a tendency to overwrite, some action could easily be tightened by being more specific.
“frowns a little” just frowns is enough.
“Some CHILDREN” Get rid of “some”
“about the same age as MJ” About the same age? Guess what though, it’s unnecessary because you’re about to give us their ages when introduced.
“MJ runs through the gates and up the path towards them.
EXT. PARK - DAY
MJ runs along the path towards the play area.”
Repetitive action, this is basically the exact same sentence.
“nearly matching pink trousers” Nearly matching? Are they both pink or not? Again easily tightened but this is all superfluous details IMO.
“NIKE AIR MAX” Some nice product placement, same as Converse before. I’m not sure of the relevance of the trainer designers but I’m sure there is one.
“Slips is tall, thin and ginger” I’m not to say about this normally, character descriptions can be tough and I struggle with them. It’s just none of yours have any individuality; they’re either tall or slim with brown, blonde hair. Give these characters some personality.
“The lad's” Clarity is so important because it can trip the reader up. Here for instance I immediately thought you meant the three boys but later found out it was MJ so I had to re-read. So instead of:
“The lad's lost for a second.” Could be “MJ’s lost for a second.” It also tightens the action and doesn’t trip up stupid readers like me.
“loudly” Repetitive word use, mix it up. It’s only noticeable because they’re all between a few paragraphs.
“congratulates himself loudly”
“girls applaud loudly”
“laughing loudly”
A few unfilmables telling us MJ’s thoughts, show don’t tell.
“Kenny is a natural spinter” You mean the same Kenny who just lost to Deveraux in the race before and is stocky, not really a physique I was expecting for a natural runner. Also think you mean “sprinter”
“pulls ahead of Deveraux and Slips.” This name “slips” could cause confusion. I mean if you read this fast and didn’t really take note of the characters name before then this means something completely different.
I’ll be honest and say that page 3 was such a hard page to get through, all the action, although spaced read so awkward and felt clumsy just like Slips who happened to slip on a loose potato. It was difficult to follow what was happening and I had to read it a couple of times which is never good.
There seemed to be a lot of facial expressions and looks going on as well which was a personal turn-off for me.
Also watch out for typos like “Jenneifer's” I’m sure there will be a few more, easy fixable.
Sorry if this is harsh but I think it’s best to be honest and tell someone where you stopped reading. That’s why your opening pages are so important; they set the tone for the rest of the script.
There may be an excellent story here but it’s a little bit messy at the moment and needs some trimming.
Hey Steve, please don't feel like you have to apologise for being honest - it's all useful. And I'm a never complain about honesty (I'll try not to at least). I have picked up so much stuff from getting feedback from people it's unbelieveable.
Slugs are clearly an issue. Like an issue I got to get sorted and fast. Poke me, hard, if I get it wrong. It is a case of either getting them right or wrong, not too much room for personal interpretation at all, so there's no excuse for me to screw them up.
Lol (I say 'lol', I mean 'dammit Maz') at the over-writing. Er. You are not the first to have mentioned this. I think perhaps people are trying to tell me something - I will try harder. I think I mentioned in a previous reply that once I saw someone say it, I went back in and WOW. Ahem. Ah. I seeeee. Darn. There's at least 3 'loudly' s on the first page or 2. Darn.
I'm writing up another quick short at the moment that was started specifically for the purposes of learn-2-slug and write action properly.
For the trainers, yes there's a significance so I'd have to keep both the tatty Converse and the Nike. Product placement maybe, but the Converse are very tatty and the Nike tend to lose so I hope it's not free advertising. But from what's been said I need to add a touch or two more clear references to them, which is no prolems, I was kind of worried about that so I'm pleased you mentioned it. It's also why Slips got his unusual name, but yes I can see how I gotta be careful where that goes in the word order. "Pulls ahead of Devereaux and Slips". Quite.
As for the typos, that's all my bad editing. I mean I thought I'd done a pretty reasonable job. No really, I did. But no matter what sort of typo-blasting ammo I get in my head - the little bastards slip through like Mexican drug mules at the Texas border. (Inappropriate image?)
So that's an area I need some real discipline. And I'll get that most easily with people being uncompromising with me when they see them.
All in all - must do better. So hopefully next time I will. If not - kick me HARD!
Hey Dan, be really pleased to see what you think - it was written with a print out of the notes you sent pinned up in front of me, so I owe you a credit.
Ok, so it's the latest version - 4 pages shorter (although there's added story). The first line is the same, after that the edit kicks in.
Um. Sorry to be slow, but please could you give me the brutal version of 'incorrect slug'? Explicit what it is/what it should be, just for that opening one?
Scene headings and slugs are just not getting through to me... I'm clearly still confused!
Edit: Hang on. No fade in you mean? (which is my bad, I simply forgot and then missed it on the rereads. I do know it should be there though now so it's better than the first time around )
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