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I think this is the first short of yours I ever read.
It's clear and easy to understand. I thought it was a bit too tragic though, they were screaming "sorry" at the end but for some reason I didn't feel their emotions as much. I liked the writing though. I'm not a drama fan on the other hand, should have picked out something lighter.
I tend to notice mechanical problems with a story and if I see too many of them, it takes me out of the story.
Xbox isn't hyphenated.
Why does Fred have a small TV if the rest of the house is so opulent? He should have a massive TV.
Fred's room probably wouldn't have clothes all over the place because he would need someone to help get dressed and undressed. They would probably put the dirty clothes in a laundry room. I picture a house like this having servants to take care of things like this. Sure Fred may not let anyone into his room all that often but someone has to bring him chips and coffee. Plus a dirty room would make it difficult for him to wheel around. If his room IS messy, I'd at least show a path worn into the carpet from the door to the spot where he plays games.
Instead of, "Fred has returned to his game", just say, "Fred returns to his game".
Instead of, "The video console is switched off", "Fred turns the TV off"
I'd use INTERCUT when showing Fred and Rocky on page 6.
These are just a few things I noticed right away. The story would read much smoother and more believable if you revised them.
Khamanna: Yeah, I think this is the first of mine that you have read. Certainly hope this one didn't put you off some of my other screenplays
I all seriousness, thanks for taking the time to read this one and respond. Sorry if you felt it was a little too tragic. It's a lot less melodramatic, now. Will have that draft up soon, but I'm currently occupied with another project. And hey, it's cool if drama isn't your thing. We all have our favourite genres, right?
Jordan: Thanks for going more in-depth with your feedback. As, I've said before, those nitpicky things are the specifics that I'm looking for in a review. People need to pick holes in my scripts, otherwise they don't improve, so I appreciate it.
I read the comments but will try my best not to repeat anything that's already been said. Or maybe I'll repeat everything that's been said because they are key problem areas and respect the members of this board so much that I feel their statements must be reiterated.
Who knows.
(p1) "slow breath in, before opening." There doesn't need to be a comma there.
(p1) "MRS. HIND (56) an apron around her waist." There should be a comma after "(56)."
(p2) Why did Rocky opt to call her Margaret this time out of all times? It's implied that she has constantly recommended he call her by her first name before and he's refused. Considering the guilt he now inhibits over injuring her son, I doubt he'd be so eager to address Fred's mother as anything informal this time around. It might have made more sense for him to nervously repeat, "Uh, thank you, Mrs. Hind."
(p2) "x-box" is spelled "Xbox."
(p2) "all he ever does, these days." No comma necessary.
(p2) "He blinks in quick succession." I know what you meant, but this sounds strange to me. When I first read it I wanted to picture Rocky twitching, then blinking rapidly in one place like his eyes were casino game slots.
(p4) "It'll" should be in lower case.
(p4) "You said you wouldn't drink." This line drive the "don't drink and drive" message home in a bad way. It became anvilicious, drilling the message over audience's heads thus losing whatever impact it could have had. You can take it out and leave the line "You were supposed to be the sober driver" all on it's lonesome.
(p4) There's a semicolon in the action line after "I don't ever want to see your face again." I don't know if that's a typo or not.
(p4) I'm also not sure if "What you looking at?" is intentional slang meant to be used by Fred or if that was a typo as well in lieu of "What are you looking at?"
(p4) The conversation between Fred and Rocky lost its power to me because it seemed like Fred was yelling. It's true that different people react uniquely to the same circumstances, and Fred very well may be the type of person to lash out at the instigator of his situation, but for the purposes of this script I would've felt more impact had he been more melancholy and prevaricating, uttering the same lines, simply without the exclamation points. For instance when he stated, "Go. Just go," that hit me.
(p4) "Walk away." This was too much. Not only does he wait until Rocky's already leaving to say it, the line itself felt cheeky.
(p5) "Fred's car pulls off." I think you meant Rocky's car.
(p5) I usually write FLASHBACK at the end of a slug.
EXT. SCHOOL FIELD - DAY - FLASHBACK
(p5) Instead of "END FLASHBACK" type CURRENT or PRESENT at the end of the next slug.
INT. BEDRROOM - DAY - CURRENT
(p6) "A half-eaten sandwich lies discarded in front of him." Lies discarded? So it's been thrown out and is still in front of him? Is there a trash bin on the table he's eating on? These rich people and their kooky design schemes.
Enough has been said about the mother's reaction so I won't harp on that. Though I will add that maybe she's suppressing her emotions by overcompensating, a concept that makes sense but is never explored thus cannot be used as an explanation.
Your slugs are missing a mention of whose home we're in. I know it's obvious if you're reading the screenplay, but it's a technicality.
INT. FRED'S HOME - DINING ROOM - DAY
... would be appropriate.
The ending was less than subtle and slightly overdramatic. As a film piece it I don't think it would work because it's too on the nose, but if it was in a commercial about the dangers of drinking and driving then maybe. Perhaps. In the right time slot.
Your descriptions and such are good. I had zero problems visualizing the world of your story in my head.
Signatures can be annoying, especially when they're pointless.
I've mentioned before I like how you like to tackle serious, deep issues. Again, that respect only deepens remembering how young you are. A lot of people your age write only vampires and splatter, (including myself back in the day). I can only imagine how great of a writer you'll be in another fifteen years.
This story does work and sends the right message, but it is just a tad too melodramatic and, to be honest, all the jumping around and flashbacks at the end just seem to clutter things up and I'm losing the visuals of what's going on. That was my main problem, how cluttered the ending was. It really took away from the impact it should have had.
I think it would be a good idea, and a little more mysterious, to have Rocky's parents dropping him off at Fred's. Here's a kid old enough to drive, so why isn't he? Plus, before he gets out, they could ask him if he wants them to stay parked or drive back home and pick him up later. It just adds an extra edge and foreshadows a little more of what's to come and what's in store.
I also maybe would have liked to see Rocky fight a little harder for their friendship before walking away. Just to show that he truly cares and there's truly a friendship there. That way, in the end, we can feel a little more the sadness of the situation.
Other than that, this is another deep story that I'm glad you had the guts enough to tackle.
I've mentioned before I like how you like to tackle serious, deep issues. Again, that respect only deepens remembering how young you are. A lot of people your age write only vampires and splatter, (including myself back in the day). I can only imagine how great of a writer you'll be in another fifteen years.
Oh, stop it!!
Thanks Mark. To hear such compliments from the writer of my favourite screenplay... It's pretty awesome.
No doubt about it... this script is melodramatic. It will be toned down with the next re-write. Hope I can improve on that aspect with the next draft.
Thanks for the suggestions. I will certainly look into them and see how I can possibly incorporate them into the script. Really like that idea with the parents dropping him off.
WOW!! Mark is absolutely right. Even in five years I can imagine what an amazing writer you'll be.
I liked the script. Great writing and challenging subject matter which you handle quite well!
I don't know what I can touch on, that already hasn't been by some of the best minds on here. Plus I'm a little late to jump on the bandwagon. So I'm sure my comments might be redundant or obsolete, but I'll try and add something new.
I agree with the general conciseness about the mother's attitude. I think she can be civil, but the way she is written now, kinda makes her feel like a robot.
The dialogue is great, you build great conflict, but then you get a little too on the nose with exposition. "You said you wouldn't drink. You were supposed to be the sober driver" I think the title could work here, not only is Rocky in a wheel chair because of his friend, but Fred "walked away" unscathed from the accident. This resentment could help with the subtext between them and draw out the whole story without it feeling contrived. (Just a thought)
Side note: What does the line "I stuffed up--" mean? (Maybe I'm the only one who does't quite get this line)
Finally, although I get what you said about the "don't drink and drive" message, but the suicide at the end I think skews it a little. Its not okay to drink and drive but okay to commit suicide? Not that I believe you think suicide is okay, just, it's Rocky's solution for his situation. I don't like that, it supersedes, drinking and driving is bad, with; if you're dealt a crummy hand in life, it's not worth living. I don't think you need a Disney ending here, but this to me is the issue with the current ending. Two tragic events don't make a right
I hope I brought something new to the discussion, but if I haven't I apologize for being redundant.
That being said, I give you high praises and mad respect for your amazing talent, ambition, and attitude. keep up the great work.
This was a small idea that I just had to put down on paper. Am I happy with the final result? Nah. I think the story is lacking in anything original. This is something that gets played on my tv screen at least once a week. The idea has been killed.
Anyway, onto your feedback...
Quoted from KAlbers
I agree with the general conciseness about the mother's attitude
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking at the time. I always imagined her as a jolly person, but given her circumstances I think she would probably be a little more defensive. Maybe if I take it further back, show her how she was BEFORE the accident. I won't make the story any more unique, but it may give it an arc, which is an aspect this script needs.
Quoted from KAlbers
The dialogue is great, you build great conflict, but then you get a little too on the nose with exposition. "You said you wouldn't drink. You were supposed to be the sober driver" I think the title could work here, not only is Rocky in a wheel chair because of his friend, but Fred "walked away" unscathed from the accident. This resentment could help with the subtext between them and draw out the whole story without it feeling contrived. (Just a thought)
When I was writing that line never really struck me as on the nose at all. Reading back on it, I can see your point. I'll see what I can do with it.
Quoted from KAlbers
Side note: What does the line "I stuffed up--" mean? (Maybe I'm the only one who does't quite get this line)
It's basically a euphamism for "I fucked up..." As I originally wrote this for a teenage competition, the language used had to be at a PG level
Quoted from KAlbers
Finally, although I get what you said about the "don't drink and drive" message, but the suicide at the end I think skews it a little. Its not okay to drink and drive but okay to commit suicide? Not that I believe you think suicide is okay, just, it's Rocky's solution for his situation. I don't like that, it supersedes, drinking and driving is bad, with; if you're dealt a crummy hand in life, it's not worth living. I don't think you need a Disney ending here, but this to me is the issue with the current ending. Two tragic events don't make a right
I agree with you 100%. That's some quality critiquing. However, Fred doesn't actually commit suicide on screen. I was trying to set up a sense of mystery... Did he actually do it? I've been told before that even though it wasn't my intention, it seems that Fred ends it all. I guess that was a failure with the writing on my behalf. I wanted the reader to leave the script wondering, but if that hasn't come across, then yeah, I'll definitely have a look.
You've brought a whole heap of new stuff to the discussion mate. Don't underestimate your reviewing ability. You know your stuff. Thanks for having a look at it. Your feedback is appreciated
Hey Dan. Another great script! I've read a majority of the comments and I agree with them but I wanted to put in my thoughts on the story itself. Sometimes the dialogue is too on the nose, but that can be fixed. One thing no one else has pointed out is that Fred came across much younger than 18. More like 14.
Why does Rocky visit Fred today? Is it a year later? A week later? Is it Fred's birthday? Why didn't Rocky visit yesterday? Why doesn't he visit tomorrow? Doe she visit everyday? It almost seemed like Mom expected him. Maybe he tries to visit everyday but he's constantly turned down?
With the mother, since there's no conflict with her (Except the weird name line), I'd cut out the beginning and start with Rocky in the bedroom. If you want the mother, then make it harder for Rocky to get inside. Especially with shorts, there must be conflict from the opening scene.
It comes across really preachy. I knew what it was going to be about when you mentioned the wheelchair. What are you trying to say about drunk driving? "It's bad" doesn't work for a theme. It's obvious Rocky feels bad for what he did, but it also seems like he's already moved on. He isn't anxious to get it over with, shown by him flicking rust off his car. If Rocky's already moved on, then I haven't even caught up. Fred, on the other hand, is angry and isn't going to get over it anytime soon.
This description's weird. "Fred running at full speed." Do you mean that he's a blur against a still background? How does a photo show someone running at full speed? Seems off.
I'm assuming Rocky is too distraught to eat? Cut it. Rocky at the track? Didn't get it. I don't understand the "He smiles at the memory." crap. NO BODY DOES THIS. EVER. We may look at something and go, "Oh, I remember that" and then we move on. No one stands, swept away in the memory, for hours. Maybe if you're at a graveside, but even then, for an audience, the moment is over.
If Fred is sorry, why is he doing it? Why today? Why not yesterday? What if Rocky came by tomorrow, and Fred killed himself today? How would the mom react to him then? How would Rocky react to the news? What if Rocky came by as Fred was about to kill himself? What would their reactions be then? You've got a great scenario but it needs to be fleshed out. Nothing in a short can be coincidental. You don't have to tell the audience everything, but you need to know everything.
This could be a strong story if you don't go into preacher mode. Write a movie, not a Public Service Announcement.
Got a good laugh from that one, AB Maybe I should try and get this sold to the people who run those "Don't drink and drive" ads on TV. I'm, kidding, of course.
Thanks for the feedback. As always, you've given some decent food for thought. I appreciate the time you've taken to read it.
Wow, going into "preacher mode" was not my intention at all. Sorry if it came across that way. I think Rocky flicking rust off the car shows how nervous he is. It shows how much he DOES care, as opposed to the complete opposite. He is anxious... He knows what he's about to go through and he doesn't want to do it. It doesn't mean he doesn't care.
I think the writing as a whole needs a touch-up. Thank you for your suggestions on that part.
I don't understand the "He smiles at the memory." crap. NO BODY DOES THIS. EVER. We may look at something and go, "Oh, I remember that" and then we move on. No one stands, swept away in the memory, for hours.
Yeah. that's just me trying to sensationalize the entire piece. Maybe a little over the top. I tend to do that with my dramatic pieces. I'm still learning how things come out on film.
I'm surprised no one has brought up the title. Along with the logline, I thought it was going to be about the effects of bullying. WALK AWAY doesn't work in a movie about drunk driving.
I don't have any suggestions but I think you could come up with something better.
Quoted Text
Yeah. that's just me trying to sensationalize the entire piece. Maybe a little over the top. I tend to do that with my dramatic pieces. I'm still learning how things come out on film.
While it reads good on paper, all you've got is a guy starring into space. It doesn't translate.
Dan, I liked the script a lot better than the finished production.
I'm going against the grain on some of the comments.
I don't think it's completely out of place the mom greets the kid warmly. It's not likely, but under some circumstances it IS plausible. Something implied that he's been so close to the family that she thinks of him as another son. And while it may be very hard for her, she can't help but to forgive and maintain some kind of relationship (something worked in where that's implied could work). Same thing if it is worked in that she is a devout Christian. And maybe it has been something very difficult for her to work through, but she's been able to forgive (again, something worked in either directly or with some subtext could work...at least for me; I'd accept that premise).
It makes sense that a U.S. version of this changed the sport to American football. If a script makes American football stick, then change the running part to a 40-yard dash. A 40-time is something American football players are measured by at every level of the game.
I had no real issue with the ending. It is not a pleasant tale, anyway. Don't hold back. If you want to shake people up and get their attention, I wouldn't soften anything.
Yeah, I think there are elements that could have been handled better in the film. Then again, I can't really say anything as I doubt I could have done a better job myself. I'm very aware of the fact that I write certain techniques into a script, expecting others to be able to handle it, when I have no idea how I'd do it myself. For example, I'm a big fan of Flashbacks and try to use them wherever I need them. In this film, the Flashbacks hardly show through, but I couldn't do a better job myself.
Go against the grain all you like! It's always good to see a different perspective on things.
I think the Director's made a good decision with implying the closeness of Rocky and the mother as if he was another son. It certainly wasn't something I implied in the script, so good on them. Typically I avoid religious themes in my scripts. Don't get me wrong, I am openly christian, but I avoid preaching in my work. I know people get annoyed when they see others forcing their religion, so I avoid situations like that. I do agree with you, however, that Mrs. Hind could be a devoted Christian who can only see it as right to forgive Rocky. It makes sense. Like films, poetry and novels, scripts are open up to interpretation so it's good to see people having their own take on things.
Initially I was annoyed that they had changed Fred from a runner to a Football player, but as you've said it does make more sense.
Hehe, I'm not sure if you've read any of my other shorts, but I don't usually hold back when it comes to saying things how it is in scripts. They all tend to have some message. That's why I like Drama so much. It's the best genre if you want to create a character-driven story, IMO.
Anyway thanks mate. Your time and feedback is greatly appreciated. Awesome stuff.
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