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This is just a nitpick, but Courtenay? Where did that name come from? Is it pronounced the same as Courtney, just a different spelling?
Either way, it was short and it was snappy. It's nothing new, but regardless, it would work well on-screen, it's a good story and it was entertaining, not too mention creepy. I liked Heather a lot also.
I think in the last few pages, shorter sentences, more snappier, would have quickened the pace and added a more intense pace to mirror what was happening in the scene, but that's just me. I loved the final line. A great short, I could see more people being interested in bringing this to life, so I wish you luck
-- Curt
"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."
I'm sorry I never replied to all of my readers individually, but I definitely want to say thank you for all of the feedback and criticisms. I'll go through some of the points you guys have made.
Courtenay is named after my best friend. It's pronounced just like Courtney.
I agree that the dialogue of Heather telling the story of her childhood experience with the closet is a little clunky. I'll trim it up a little bit so the read is smoother.
I don't think the script would work with a boy substituting the place of Courtenay. How would I get around the green nail polish?
I can understand where everyone is coming from with Heather's description. I like SteveUK's idea of how to revise it, but for now, I'm leaving it as it is until I can think of something better.
On the production side of things, not only has this script given me a lot of feedback from filmmakers interested in bringing it to the screen, but it's also gotten me some attention from potential collaborators who are asking me to build a project with them from the ground up. In my eight years on this website, that has never happened before, and it's almost overwhelming.
I'm also happy to say I think I've found the right match to bring this story to the screen, and I'll keep everyone posted with news as I hear it.
I really liked this. It’s scary. One thing confused me at the end so I browsed over everyone’s comments to see if it was brought up, but it wasn’t. So now I feel like an idiot, because I didn’t “get it.” Heather finds a mutilated body in the closet with the same green painted finger nails. What does that mean? That every babysitter Courtenay ever had came up with the same idea as Heather? The little girl is killing her babysitters? I’m lost. Someone else mentioned they were fine with Courtenay making a ruckus looking for the matching hat. I have to agree. It was a “cute” ending to a very scary, suspenseful scene.
I think the ending definitely went over your head.
The general concept is Courtenay went into the closet for the dare but never actually came out. Something else -- a monster, maybe -- skinned her and is now pretending to be her. Hence the title "The Thing That Wasn't." And Heather's the next to go.
Glad you enjoyed it and found it to be scary and suspenseful.
“She’s the type of girl who wears UGG boots and a tweed pub hat to a babysitting job.
- Could be labelled as an unfilmable but I love the description nonetheless. Plus, I recognize the exact type of girl you‘re talking about.
Loving the rapport between Heather and Courtenay, well written and paced. Courtenay is very likeable, Heather too.
“More sounds -- THUMP! SCRAPE! -- from inside the closet. Like the room, or something else, is being ripped apart.”
- Great action lines, energetic and vivid while being paired down to just visuals and aural details. Almost no fat, just the meat. Good job.
“Heather looks up at the open door again. At her phone.”
- The shorter and punchier the sentences are the better so kudos on that. Its good practice to use periods rather than “and” where possible and even better again than long, rambling sentences which, to your credit, are non-existent here... but see about replacing some of the periods with commas to help the fluidity of the read.
“Slowly, Heather crawls over the thing. She places both hands on the other side of the carpet. Pushes her body forward.”
- I’m confused as to Heather’s posture here. I’m led to believe the skinless body has her trapped against the wall but is she not still on her feet, standing up? Hence, the grabbing of the carpet to push her body forward has me scratching my head.
Fantastic last line.
Man, this was great. Superb tension throughout, well balanced mixture of light humour and grizzly body-snatching horror!
Not much more to say other than I really dug it and could easily envisage it on screen. Very producible.
“Slowly, Heather crawls over the thing. She places both hands on the other side of the carpet. Pushes her body forward.”
- I’m confused as to Heather’s posture here. I’m led to believe the skinless body has her trapped against the wall but is she not still on her feet, standing up? Hence, the grabbing of the carpet to push her body forward has me scratching my head.
I'm so glad you brought this up as it was probably the most difficult part to write, and it's still not correct as I omitted a key action line. When the thing falls out of the clothes rack and Heather shrieks against the wall, she actually slides down and falls on her ass. This will be fixed for the next draft.
Thanks guys! I'm really proud of it. I think they did a pretty fantastic job.
I was quite impressed too. This is a Serbian film, isn't it? And the director is a young woman, with only a few years of experience. Congratulations to all - including, of course, you. (I loved the ending!)
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