Platform / Corner by Maz Hughes (marriot) - Short, Ghost - 2 hander microbudget ghost stories.

Platform (3 page): Waiting for the last tram and frightened to be late home, Caitlin turns away from a strange girl who asks for help. What connects their fear, and will either make it home safe?


Corner (4 page): What makes the HIV support group turn their back on new member Wendell – because they don’t believe his story, or because they do? - pdf, format

***SPOILERS***

Maz,

I'm guessing this is like a mini horror anthology. Kind of an odd format, but hey, it's unique.

FADE IN: goes to the left.

Caitlin wasn't properly intro'd. Give us the character's name in ALL CAPS the first time they appear on screen.

Caitlin dropping her purse was pretty convenient for Strange Girl. Maybe make it more plausible.

You didn't intro the tram driver at all...

In most horror films, the protagonist is haunted/killed because of a "sin" they commit. In slashers, it's because the teens drink, do drugs and have sex. In this, though, I didn't really buy the whole payoff because what Caitlin did wasn't bad enough to make us hate her. I mean, yeah, she won't give Strange Girl money, so we dislike her... but does it warrant her being killed?

So overall this story has the potential to be really suspenseful, but right now it's not really anything new. I admit I didn't see it coming when the girl jumps in front of the train, but after that it was pretty obvious this was another "she was a ghost all along" story.

And the ripped coat on the edge of the platform the next day wasn't as effective as it should have been. The script was so short (not to mention Caitlin was on the phone most of the time) I didn't really get a chance to care about her.

On to part two...

Right off the bat, Wendell's dialogue was a bit on-the-nose, IMO.

And you should indicate that the next scene is a flashback.

"Wendell - before he got AIDS" is telling, not showing. Give us something visual.

It was kinda obvious Petey had died-- based on the last story and the fact that the genre is "ghost"-- which made the reveal less effective.

Okay, so overall I like the idea of a mini horror anthology, but my main problem is that these didn't seem to be connected in any way other than the fact that they were both about ghosts. It would make more sense if the stories were more related.

Hope this helps.

Will

Hey Will, thanks for the comments. The odd format is because both stories came along on similar themes one after the other, and I didn't want to spam the simplyscripts site with two scripts at once. Daft maybe but there ya go, so I tacked 'em together.

Lol at my damn missed intros. I read through more than once trying to proof it. As soon as it went up I saw a typo as well. Shucks. To be fair I'm hoping there's a little more in there about how Caitlin is the cause of her own demise - but it isn't because she snaps at the girl. If that got missed, my bad for not flagging it better.

Part 2 - ok, cheers for flashback note. Um. Where should I put it? (I'll go check my format guides, probably shoulda done that in the first place). Also: "A healthy looking Wendell" better? And yeah, the Petey died thing wasn't exactly a twist. Fair point.

Cheers for the read - and bigger cheers for the good feedback, really helps a lot. Much appreciated.

(edit - I meant to ask this from the start, but where should the title cards go? Trying to work out if "Part 2 - Corner" should be before or after the "FADE IN:" fried my fragile little mind for ages.)

Quoted from marriot (edit - I meant to ask this from the start, but where should the title cards go? Trying to work out if "Part 2 - Corner" should be before or after the "FADE IN:" fried my fragile little mind for ages.)

FADE OUT:

OVER BLACK:

TITLE: "PART 2 - CORNER"

FADE IN:

That's how I'd write it.

Will

Aha... yeah got ya.

Thanks for that Will. It really did confuse me when I wrote it in.

Hey Marriot

My thoughts on Platform:

I wonder why you don't introduce Caitlin immediately rather than saying 'woman' then 'Caitlin' in the second line?

'Caitlin drops a her purse.'  This doesn't read right.

The girl steps in front of the tram and is knocked down, right?  How does the driver not notice?  Or does he not care?  This bit confused me?...oh hang on, maybe I'm getting it now lol.

When her phone went dead I thought Phil had hung up but now I think it was the battery?

The 'effect' could be described a bit better.

I liked the story although I wasn't entirely sure of the premise, it was also a bit confusing at times.  Also you used the word 'then' quite a lot.

My thoughts on Corner:

I don't like the 'before he had aids' description, why not, he looks fit and healthy or something like that?

You have 2 slugs the same in a row, I'd suggest using LATER.

I like some of the dialogue in this one, although some is bit over the top.

I'm not sure why Tony doesn't think the support group is for Wendell?

I agree with Will that the two stories aren't really related and I guess you put them together because you didn't want to submit two similar stories.  I have an idea though, why don't you use the support group to link the stories.  Caitlin and Wendell could both be at the meeting and tell their stories.  The meeting doesn't have to be labelled as a drug group or anything and at the end it could be revealed that it is for  people with mental problems, believing they've seen ghosts?  Just an idea that could lead on to more additions.

//SPOILERS lol//
Hey alffy, cheers for the read and feedback.

I seem to have a mental block on intro-ing characters before they become 'characters', it happens in other stuff and I notice it but can't quite wrap my head around not doing it... which makes no sense but.. y'know.

Quoted from alffy 'Caitlin drops a her purse.'  This doesn't read right.

Quoted from marriot As soon as it went up I saw a typo as well. Shucks.

lol

Yeah the phone was meant to go dead at the moment Caitlin's peril begins, it's the ghost effect and/or signal fail - maybe an insert of the error message? Or she might wave it in the air? Dunno.

The effect was tricky to do, any suggestions welcome - she's meant to vanish and reappear (aha... maybe that's a better way..)...

The premise was ... a bit of a stretch.

//spoiler//
It started off in my head that the girl 'died' at 14 and the ghost girl was showing the life she would have had - growing up, through uni, becomes a nurse, ends up as a care assistant like Caitlin ... then as I wrote, a link developed between the girl's abuse to Caitlin's abusive relationship.

It was then meant to be ambiguous about whether her bf killed her or the girl. So the link is a)tenuous and b)not actually consistent. So I guess I have to pick one or the other premises and stick with it.

Did I use 'then' a lot? *rereads* Oh. So I did. Good spot.

re corner - yep, think "a healthy Wendell" is better, and maybe in the opening describe him as "gaunt".

SLUGS!!! GOD DAMN **** ****ing SLUGS! (still struggling with these) - Thanks for the LATER advice - good call.

Dialogue got tricksy - trying to get the plot across, without too much exposition, but also fitting it into a short short... it troubled me as I wrote it in a lot of places but couldn't quite manage to wrestle it around enough. I think I tried to fit too much into too small a story (the 'giving Petey the needle off the ground' was ... a stretch).... I'm a try and brutalise it down to the bones in the next edit.

I just don't like Wendell is all. The guy's scum, he don't deserve a support group lol.

And yeah, the stories aren't related directly, they came from an idea for cheap-to-produce ghost stories and got tacked together to avoid spam. I thought about maybe doing a third but it's not quite got there yet.

But hey, always love the feedback - really useful alffy. Big thanks.

(off topic - we chatted about ideas getting duplicated, get this: I had an idea for a kung-fu quest movie about 3 dudes from a remote chinese snooker monastary having to come to britain to get a cue tip blessed by ray riordan, fighting off pool hustlers in london, facing off against the sheffield academy lads... so on... got a book on the history of the genre... all good until half way through read about a film from the 70s, the DAMN 70s - some Hong Kong dude pre-nicked my idea. 10 years before I was born (they do time travel, I swear down) ... bloody films man. I hate them).

Cheers again.

Maz,

Skimmed through the posts after writing some notes, so apologies if I’m repeating stuff that’s been said.

Platform:

young girl/strange girl - pick one for clarity.

Not entirely sure how this was intended to end. I’m guessing that Caitlin ended up in front of the tram? But how and why? Was it of her own free will or did the ghost have something to do with it? I was also somewhat thrown by having the strange girl appear in the same distinctive coat.

Think this could work but the story needs fleshing out. As Caitlin's poetic justice/comeuppance goes there’s just not enough here to draw us into her situation and as a result the ending suffers.

Corner:

Is the transition from the support group to the alley supposed to be a FLASHBACK?

That’s how it reads. If so it could do with FLASHBACK in the slug. I’ve placed them at the start of a SLUG before now -- others may prefer elsewhere -- as long as it’s clear to the reader.  

Does Jamal actually buy any gear from Wendell? He asked for it then walked away without it being shown in the action. Not a big deal, but it appeared that way in the dialogue.

p.5/6 You repeat ‘Petey holds the needle out.’

The reaction of the support group left me puzzled. Would have thought their support was more about coping with HIV than judging how the individual contracted it.

I’m guessing the intention was to have them leave because of the story about him contracting HIV from a needle handed to him by a ghost? The way it’s presented here reads as if they walked out because of his history as a dealer/drug use which just didn't work for me. The idea that Petey was a ghost is your main hook here; yet it seems to have been overlooked and makes the ending all the more unclear.

Hope this doesn’t sound overly negative; I think there’s merit for the premise of a support group turning it’s back on someone -- the irony’s certainly there and handled right you’ve got a dark little story, and I think that’s something that should be pursued. But the way you’ve presented it here didn’t seem developed enough to make the point.

Steve.

Hey Steve,

Thanks for the comments - don't worry about being honest, it's extremely welcome no kidding. The first script I posted got brutalised, but fairly AND usefully AND I'm kind of pleased to see a lack of 'over-written' comments from people on this one so I must have learned something. Which is why we need feedback!

Young/strange - I missed that. Good call.
And I wasn't entirely sure how it ended either . I think her boyfriend turns up and kills her (but it's veeery tenuous).
Yeah the coat was from a mixing of ideas. In a sense I thought the girl was a young version of Caitlin (but not the same person), but can't pretend there was a really strong idea (see above note).
And I had issues with how to get Caitlin's story out via one side of a phone-call. It's the bit there were most doubts over. Need a clearer line or two (without exposition)... will think on.

Corner - I'm getting the impression it needs a flashback slug . You're not the first to mention it.
Yep, Jamal is meant to buy some gear - I didn't realise he hadn't in the actions, thanks for the spot.
Petey holds the needle out - was trying to get the image of him standing there just holding it out, not moving. It's all he does really. I'll streamline that into a single line.
And yeah, the support group.. hmm.. I was hoping it would be sort of ambiguous, either they think he's taking the piss with a bull**** story, or they don't approve of how open he's being about his past bad character.
I tricked myself really, the hook was meant to be the needle more than Petey. Which maybe's why it is a bit messy - it mixed up whether Wendell's punished for selling the bad gear or giving the dirty needle. Have to pick one or the other I guess... probly the needle as it's more crucial to the story.

But all your comments were good, no way overly negative at all. I'm really pleased with the comments, they're all on the money - either stuff I missed or stuff I wasn't sure about and crossed my fingers over.

All good. And if ayone feels like pointing me in the direction of their stuff, I owe you all a read. Cheers.