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The Unlikely Temptations of Christ by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Short, Comedy - After fasting for forty days and forty nights, Jesus is tempted by the devil, in the most unusual ways. 7 pages - pdf, format
This will only be available until April 10th, so please watch and like it. Help a fellow SSer out.
A cool little short which made me smile. I personally woulda been finished at the bubble wrap.
So I agree with alffy about that opening paragraph. The forty days/nights part we can't know. The tattered clothes and exhausted look on his face is enough IMO.
I think "Satan!" should be "Satan?" in the midget's dialogue on that first page. By the way, the midget isn't properly introduced. Also, God should be capitalized.
A few orphans running around. That last passage had me chuckling. I think if you had Jesus post, "Screw you Rachael", it could worked also. Or perhaps, "Guess which savior of man just scored a sweet Ferrari F12 Berlinetta?!" Just picturing our savior Jesus rolling through the streets of Jerusalem in a Ferrari and shades...so awesome. Sorry, I'm running away with your story. Haha. Good short, man.
I can just see a bunch of hardcore Christians taking offense to this one. I'm Christian, myself, but I found this incredibly amusing. The bubble wrap would have had me begging at the Midget's feet. I can't resist that stuff
I liked the way you mingled modern themes into a story obviously set in the past. I appreciate anything like that, and this is no exception.
Apart from the small mishaps that Anthony has already covered, the writing is clean. Here's what I got...
Page 1: "His body and mind has punished while fasting for forty long hard days and nights." - This is the "unfilmable" that Anthony mentioned in his review.
You need to CAP the Midget when he first appears.
Other than that, I did like it. Had me chuckling throughout.
I thought this was cute, though it dragged on a little bit for a one-joke skit.
Formatting was good, though things could be a little tighter.
Quoted Text
Alone in the desert walks JESUS CHRIST, late 30s, clothes tattered and torn. He grows weary with every step. His body and mind has punished, while fasting for forty long hard days and nights.
could be better written as:
Quoted Text
JESUS walks through the burning desert. He's dissheveled and exhausted; his clothes are tatters.
Mentioning his age and the forty days isn't needed. It's a given. Tightening things up like this could turn this into a three page script.
I was born and raised an Irish catholic, but "Life of Brian" is my favorite comedy of all time. So if it makes me laugh, I don't care about being offensive
It was written as a comedy sketch, actually for Felipe, for the Doritos superbowl commercial... but it was too edgy and he didn't have all his film crew together(I think)
I was born and raised an Irish catholic, but "Life of Brian" is my favorite comedy of all time. So if it makes me laugh, I don't care about being offensive
Good ol' Monty Python. Wasn't a fan of "Life of Brian" but "Holy Grail" is by far the best comedy ever. My Dad's sense of humor rubbed off on me
a clean, enjoyable read with nice use of visuals. Could see the back and forth between Jesus and the Midget working well. Agree with the others that the opening paragraph needs re-working.
The bubble-wrap and the face-book lines ‘that’s not what Rachel said...’ gave me a chuckle as did the quick-fire with the camel and horse -- though I’m not sure either the animals or the Ferrari would be too budget friendly, just a thought...
A couple of orphans that could be tidied up and some unnecessary extra spaces in the action lines (check page 4).
There’s a number of parentheticals that could be switched to action lines -- though it didn’t harm the read for me, I appreciate that’s a preference thing.
Good stuff -- best of luck with it.
Steve.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Congratulations, Mark. You caught me on a VERY rare occasion that I happen to be in the mood for comedy.
And I laughed at this one. The whole way through. Mission accomplished. I'm guessing you're not looking for little niggles in formatting on this one and I'm usually not one to give them anyway. You're probably just after if the idea worked or not. And in my eyes, it's a success.
And, I think it could've made a great Doritos commercial. (But ultimately, I think you guys were right. It might be a bit too edgy for some. A lot of people get angry when midgets are involved.)
(Oh yeah, and the suffering Jesus, too.)
A very enjoyable read and thanks for posting it.
- Mark
EDIT:
And don't change the title. I loved it. I would've probably never opened 'Jesus and the Midget' up no matter how in the mood for comedy I am.
I don't think any of the die-hard Jesus-freaks are on the boards now, Mark. Feel free to bash.
I'm waiting for the first "BLASPHEMER" feedback
Quoted from Steve
I’m not sure either the animals or the Ferrari would be too budget friendly
Thanks for the read Steve..Yeah I wrote it as a comedy sketch and went for the ridiculous at the end.. I think that if someone wanted to produce it, it would be very easy to substitute.
Quoted from Mark 2
Congratulations, Mark. You caught me on a VERY rare occasion that I happen to be in the mood for comedy.
When I submitted it, I left a side note with Don to post on the 23rd, because that's when Mark 2 is at his most happiest.... and it worked
I think budget wise, it would have easier to get a bag of Doritos than a horse, camel and a Ferrari
Quoted from Mark 2
And don't change the title. I loved it. I would've probably never opened 'Jesus and the Midget' up no matter how in the mood for comedy I am.
I thought "Jesus and the Midget" would have been more eye catching... but again that's why I never titled that way... I knew YOU wouldn't open it :
It's a "Mark" thing Thanks for the read, i'm glad you enjoyed it.
Eh, somebody had to say it. I thought this was a great idea, great concept. I'm a big fan of Monty Python and this seemed like it would have worked great as a sketch on their series. Still on the fence about the ending, but I think it grows on you, so probably wouldn't change anything about it.
Just some things you could correct and they're so minor it's hardly worth mentioning, but here goes:
1. Your title page -- Need to capitalize "Unlikely" and "Temptations"
2. First page you have a lower case "god" where you capitalize it the rest of the way.
3. Facebook needs to be capitalized everywhere, as does Berlinetta.
Others have already mentioned the first action sequence that should be changed. But you know, if those are the only things people have to gripe about, you have a damn fine piece here. Huzzah!
Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
MIDGET (still glancing over facebook) Ohh. That's not what Mary said and she's got a lot of followers, bro.
JESUS Really? Figures.
But that's just me.
That's funny shit Brett,, I laughed my arse off seriously and I'm stealing it
Now what is this "Bible" you speak of ?...
Thanks for the feedback
Quoted from Gary
BLASPHEMER!!!
How dare you Gary!!! My script is completely fictional, based on fictional characters that I created... any similarity is merely coincidence, especially other fictional books