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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Unlikely Temptations - Watch It!  Like It! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Unlikely Temptations - Watch It!  Like It!  (currently 7224 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Unlikely Temptations of Christ by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Short, Comedy - After fasting for forty days and forty nights, Jesus is tempted by the devil, in the most unusual ways. 7 pages - pdf, format

This will only be available until April 10th, so please watch and like it.  Help a fellow SSer out.


Unlikely Temptations from Alex Pop on Vimeo.








Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 7th, 2017, 2:44pm
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alffy
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Well I gave this a quick read, Mark, and it was pretty funny.

A few things included in the first paragraph would be deemed unfilmable...is that a word?

One thing stood out though.  You said the midget walked shoulder to shoulder with Jesus.  Should that be shoulder to waist? lol.

Anyway not sure if I can add much more other than I chuckled my way through it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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irish eyes
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Thanks Anthony... This was supposed to be titled "Jesus and the Midget"  I tried changing it, but obviously I missed my moment.

Mark


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RegularJohn
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark.

A cool little short which made me smile.  I personally woulda been finished at the bubble wrap.

So I agree with alffy about that opening paragraph.  The forty days/nights part we can't know.  The tattered clothes and exhausted look on his face is enough IMO.

I think "Satan!" should be "Satan?" in the midget's dialogue on that first page.  By the way, the midget isn't properly introduced.  Also, God should be capitalized.

A few orphans running around.  That last passage had me chuckling.  I think if you had Jesus post, "Screw you Rachael", it could worked also.  Or perhaps, "Guess which savior of man just scored a sweet Ferrari F12 Berlinetta?!"  Just picturing our savior Jesus rolling through the streets of Jerusalem in a Ferrari and shades...so awesome.  Sorry, I'm running away with your story.  Haha.  Good short, man.

P.S.  Unfilmable isn't a word but hey.


A read for a read makes the whole world...better at reading.††PM me for a read.

Ring Finger
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danbotha
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

I can just see a bunch of hardcore Christians taking offense to this one. I'm Christian, myself, but I found this incredibly amusing. The bubble wrap would have had me begging at the Midget's feet. I can't resist that stuff

I liked the way you mingled modern themes into a story obviously set in the past. I appreciate anything like that, and this is no exception.

Apart from the small mishaps that Anthony has already covered, the writing is clean. Here's what I got...

Page 1: "His body and mind has punished while fasting for forty long hard days and nights." - This is the "unfilmable" that Anthony mentioned in his review.

You need to CAP the Midget when he first appears.

Other than that, I did like it. Had me chuckling throughout.

Sorry I can't add much.

Dan


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dogglebe
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was cute, though it dragged on a little bit for a one-joke skit.

Formatting was good, though things could be a little tighter.


Quoted Text
Alone in the desert walks JESUS CHRIST, late 30s, clothes tattered and torn. He grows weary with every step. His body and mind has punished, while fasting for forty long hard days and nights.


could be better written as:


Quoted Text
JESUS walks through the burning desert.  He's dissheveled and exhausted; his clothes are tatters.


Mentioning his age and the forty days isn't needed.  It's a given.  Tightening things up like this could turn this into a three page script.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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irish eyes
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Regular John, Dan and Phil.

I was born and raised an Irish catholic, but "Life of Brian" is my favorite comedy of all time. So if it makes me laugh, I don't care about being offensive

It was written as a comedy sketch, actually for Felipe, for the Doritos superbowl commercial... but it was too edgy and he didn't have all his film crew together(I think)

thanks again

Mark


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Vaproductions
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark. Here is my review of your script.

1 star for the idea. You gave me ideas for a part 2 of this. Not too say that I would write it.

1 star for your writing. I didn't find any real problems with what you wrote.

1 star for execution. You executed what you wanted to tell fairly well besides the idea that the midget could reach Jesus ear with the bubble wrap.

Overall. I give this script a 3.20 out of 5. It would've got  a 4 or 5 if the temptations where a little bit more tempting.
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danbotha
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from irish eyes
I was born and raised an Irish catholic, but "Life of Brian" is my favorite comedy of all time. So if it makes me laugh, I don't care about being offensive


Good ol' Monty Python. Wasn't a fan of "Life of Brian" but "Holy Grail" is by far the best comedy ever. My Dad's sense of humor rubbed off on me



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stevemiles
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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Mark,

a clean, enjoyable read with nice use of visuals.  Could see the back and forth between Jesus and the Midget working well.  Agree with the others that the opening paragraph needs re-working.

The bubble-wrap and the face-book lines Ďthatís not what Rachel said...í gave me a chuckle as did the quick-fire with the camel and horse -- though Iím not sure either the animals or the Ferrari would be too budget friendly, just a thought...

A couple of orphans that could be tidied up and some unnecessary extra spaces in the action lines (check page 4).

Thereís a number of parentheticals that could be switched to action lines -- though it didnít harm the read for me, I appreciate thatís a preference thing.

Good stuff -- best of luck with it.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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rc1107
Posted: January 24th, 2013, 12:46am Report to Moderator
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Congratulations, Mark.  You caught me on a VERY rare occasion that I happen to be in the mood for comedy.

And I laughed at this one.  The whole way through.  Mission accomplished.  I'm guessing you're not looking for little niggles in formatting on this one and I'm usually not one to give them anyway.  You're probably just after if the idea worked or not.  And in my eyes, it's a success.

And, I think it could've made a great Doritos commercial.  (But ultimately, I think you guys were right.  It might be a bit too edgy for some.  A lot of people get angry when midgets are involved.)

(Oh yeah, and the suffering Jesus, too.)

A very enjoyable read and thanks for posting it.

- Mark

EDIT:

And don't change the title.  I loved it.  I would've probably never opened 'Jesus and the Midget' up no matter how in the mood for comedy I am.



Revision History (1 edits)
rc1107  -  January 24th, 2013, 12:47am
DON'T CHANGE THE TITLE!
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irish eyes
Posted: January 24th, 2013, 7:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Vaproductions
Overall. I give this script a 3.20 out of 5. It would've got  a 4 or 5 if the temptations where a little bit more tempting.


How do you get much more tempting than bubble wrap! ?

Just kidding thanks for the review and the stars.


Quoted from Phil
I don't think any of the die-hard Jesus-freaks are on the boards now, Mark.  Feel free to bash.


I'm waiting for the first "BLASPHEMER" feedback


Quoted from Steve
Iím not sure either the animals or the Ferrari would be too budget friendly


Thanks for the read Steve..Yeah I wrote it as a comedy sketch and went for the ridiculous at the end..  I think that  if someone wanted to produce it, it would be very easy to substitute.


Quoted from Mark 2
Congratulations, Mark.  You caught me on a VERY rare occasion that I happen to be in the mood for comedy.


When I submitted it, I left a side note with Don to post on the 23rd, because that's when Mark 2 is at his most happiest.... and it worked

I think budget wise, it would have easier to get a bag of Doritos than a horse, camel and a Ferrari


Quoted from Mark 2
And don't change the title.  I loved it.  I would've probably never opened 'Jesus and the Midget' up no matter how in the mood for comedy I am.


I thought "Jesus and the Midget" would have been more eye catching... but again that's why I never titled that way... I knew YOU wouldn't open it :

It's a "Mark" thing   Thanks for the read, i'm glad you enjoyed it.

Mark







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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 24th, 2013, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

Always a hoot to drop in on scripts by SS vets.
AS to the opening paragraph dealy... that's an easy fix...

Jesus needs a hot date with a bath tub, looks like he's hasn't sponged off in forty days and forty nights.

There.

Seems a fistful of Jesus' lines come off redundant and bloat the page count.
Cuz that's never happened before *cough* Bible. *cough* Ahem!

Methinks you got the wrong female name here. Try this one...

JESUS
Say what you will, for I am the son
of God.

MIDGET
(still glancing over
facebook)
Ohh. That's not what Mary said
and she's got a lot of followers, bro.

JESUS
Really? Figures.


But that's just me.

The car gag kinda clunked for me.
But there's a lot to like here. Good stuff!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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hawkeye
Posted: January 24th, 2013, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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BLASPHEMER!!!

Eh, somebody had to say it.  I thought this was a great idea, great concept.  I'm a big fan of Monty Python and this seemed like it would have worked great as a sketch on their series.  Still on the fence about the ending, but I think it grows on you, so probably wouldn't change anything about it.

Just some things you could correct and they're so minor it's hardly worth mentioning, but here goes:

1.  Your title page -- Need to capitalize "Unlikely" and "Temptations"

2.  First page you have a lower case "god" where you capitalize it the rest of the way.

3.  Facebook needs to be capitalized everywhere, as does Berlinetta.

Others have already mentioned the first action sequence that should be changed. But you know, if those are the only things people have to gripe about, you have a damn fine piece here.  Huzzah!

Gary


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irish eyes
Posted: January 24th, 2013, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Brett
Jesus needs a hot date with a bath tub, looks like he's hasn't sponged off in forty days and forty nights.





Quoted from Brett
JESUS
Say what you will, for I am the son
of God.

MIDGET
(still glancing over
facebook)
Ohh. That's not what Mary said
and she's got a lot of followers, bro.

JESUS
Really? Figures.

But that's just me.




That's funny shit Brett,,  I laughed my arse off seriously and I'm stealing it

Now what is this "Bible" you speak of ?...

Thanks for the feedback


Quoted from Gary
BLASPHEMER!!!


How dare you Gary!!! My script is completely fictional, based on fictional characters that I created... any similarity is merely coincidence, especially other fictional books

capital letters are overrated

thanks for the feedback

Mark




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