Trick of the Trade by Gary Howell (hawkeye) - Short, Drama - When young Harry needs money to buy a gift, he learns that crime does pay, but in an unexpected way. 18 pages - pdf, format

Hey, Don, thanks for posting this!

This was the very first screenplay I wrote--it's been awhile since I had even thought about it, but thought I would post it while I'm working on a feature.  Sorry about the length, but I was a little more verbose in my earlier years than I am now!

Gary

***SPOILERS BELOW (SORT OF)***

Gary, nice to see some of your work. For your first script, this is impressive. I enjoyed it overall.

I do think it went on a little long. Some scenes (like the first conversation between Harry and Roscoe) dragged, and could easily be condensed. I think you spent a long time with Roscoe, but not enough on Harry and Susie's relationship.

It's good that Harry has a strong goal. This seems like something a lot of writers-- especially first timers-- don't get. It drives your story. Keeps it interesting. So good job with that.

Pg 12: Look, I haven no problem at all with language in scripts, but Roscoe's dialogue here seemed a bit out of place compared to the rest of the script.

I thought the ending kinda fizzled out. The bus came out of the blue and didn't work for me. Roscoe came into the story so late, we didn't really care that much about him. I was kind of expecting you to go back to Susie at the end. You need some sort of resolution.

As far as I can tell, your writing is solid. Others will be better at judging this than me, but IMO, it reads fine.

So yeah, I liked this one. Could use a little tightening and a better ending-- but an entertaining read nonetheless.

Will

Hey Will, thanks for the read and the kind words.  I don't disagree with anything you've said.  I've learned from reading others work on here that brevity is indeed the soul of wit!

Interestingly enough, I originally had a final scene where Suzie get a piece of mail about a month later and Harry's picture is in it, but I cut it due to the overall length.  Maybe I could pare down some other scenes and re-add that back in.  That might reinforce the beginning and bring closure to the ending.

Thanks again!
Gary

Hey Gary,

I really enjoyed this. For a first time script this was nicely written. The dialogue was crisp and it flowed terrific in and out of the action lines. You have a couple of "P.O.V" and a "we see" that should be changed. Leave it for the director to decide on the camera angles unless you're filming this one yourself.

I would have loved to see Harry and Susie have one more scene together. Maybe Susie and her family driving away with her holding Harry's picture in hand. Just my two cents.

Overall, very nice job!

Dirk

For your first attempt at a script, this was nicely done.  I didn’t believe for one minute Roscoe would even blabber about his secret life to an 11-year-old boy that he didn’t know from a can of spit -- thus risking himself and his family -- but I went along with it because it was amusing.  The ending definitely came out of nowhere and was like getting hit in the face with a bag of bricks, I’ll say.  Poor Roscoe.  At least Susie gets her school picture. haha

Dirk and Reap, thanks for the reads and the encouraging words!  Always a bit daunting to put your first piece of work on here, so it's nice to hear what you have to say.

Dirk--I really like that suggestion for the ending!  That might just make it into a re-write!

Reaper--I agree that you certainly have to suspend some belief as to the relationship between Roscoe and Harry in order to make this work.  Originally I had this as a story where Roscoe secretly actually wants to use Harry in one of his crime jobs, but again, it was going on too long, so I took a lot of that out.  I could see where it makes Roscoe look silly to give out some of that info, but I kind of painted myself into a corner with the end game, so I just had to make it work somehow.

Cheers,
Gary

Gary,

You've been very generous with your time here on the forum, so I'm going to give this one a thorough look.  It might not be today but I'll get around to it soon.

Jordan

Hey Gary.

Glad to see a short from you on the boards.  I read through this and overall, I enjoyed it though I do agree with Will that the ending was a bit of a letdown and open-ended.  A final scene with Susan with the picture or something similar would have wrapped this story up nicely.

Reaper also had a good point with Roscoe spilling out his past crimes being a bit too much, though the three minute part was a nice piece for me.  I suggest slowly working into that at the start of their conversation and having Roscoe captivate Harry with his stories, all the while stealing back the coin.  Just a suggestion.  In either case, it works.

A few grammatical errors and some overwriting in places but still a great read.  Nice job, Gary.

Johnny

Hey Gary,

Cute script. I really liked this one. Well structured, and a protag with a clearly defined goal: nice. And it is the first thing you’ve written? Really good job, if that is the case.

Overall, it was well written. Sure, you include some camera angles which could have been avoided. Ie, “CU on Harry” could merely be “Harry appears to formulate a plan in his mind.” By focusing on Harry, the reader imagines this as a CU. “From Karl’s P.O.V., Harry’s head...” could be “Karl watches as Harry’s barely visible head disappears into the tall crops.” And the “we see” could be removed, and you could simply tell us what we see There are also instances where you don’t capitalise character’s names, which I have specifically noted below. Even though they are extras, they still need to be capitalised

But apart from that, the writing was very good, mate. So congrats on that.

Now, onto the story itself. Whilst I did enjoy it as a whole, there were a few things I think could be improved.

Certain scenes (the first scene, and the 6 page scene with Roscoe) dragged a little bit, went on for a bit too long. Whilst not ideal, you can get away with this in a feature, but as a short is, well short, scenes need to be lean. A good tip of advice is the old “get in late, and get out early”. Which basically means start the scene as late as you possibly can, and end it as early as possible, as soon as the important part of dialogue has been said/ the important part of the scene has occurred.

Like others, I also found it a bit hard to believe that Roscoe would tell all this sensitive info to Harry, and I really like Johnny’s suggestion of having Roscoe use his backstory/ exposition to get the coin back from Harry. I think this would make it seem more natural. I also think it might be better if Harry bribes Roscoe with some of this other sensitive info, versus stealing a coin from a drunk. I’m not sure what the punishment for stealing a dollar from someone would be, but I imagine Roscoe would be more inclined to let Harry  come along with him if, say, Harry was going to tell the policeman on a previous bank heist Roscoe pulled, or that Roscoe is a fugitive, or something similar.

I didn’t mind the ending. Sure, it came out of the blue slightly, but I thought it worked. Only issue I had with it is the message of crime-does-pay. Maybe increase the irony of it slightly: maybe have the scene play out so that it looks like Harry is chasing Roscoe, and then when he dies, Harry gets a reward, or something? Sure, the message of the theme is similar, but I think the irony would work well.

Some others have given you decent ideas for adding closure to the Susie part of the story, which I think would work well. Only thing I would say about the ending, is wouldn’t the policeman have apprehended Harry as well? He saw him walking off with Roscoe, and he saw part of the commotion outside the bank, so surely he would have put two-and-two together? That could be how Harry is mistaken for Roscoe's apprehender, maybe.


Below are some notes I made whilst reading:

Page 1- Capitalise ‘classmates’, as they are characters

Page 2- Susie’s “my parent’s lost the farm” dialogue sounds a bit unnatural; I couldn’t imagine an 11 year old kid saying “the bank is gonna foreclose”. Maybe cut out the “foreclose” part, and it will be fine.

Page 4- Harry climbs over a barbed wire fence without getting injured?

At the bottom of page 4, capitalise ‘men’ and ‘women’, and ‘vagabond men’ as they’re characters.


But yeah, overall, really good work on this one mate

I look forward to reading more from you.

All the best.

Toby.

John and Toby, thanks very much for the feedback!  I appreciate any and all thoughts on this.

I tend to write a lot of dialogue in my pieces, and so this one may have gotten a little away from me, but I at least appreciate the fact that you didn't have issues with the dialogue itself!  Although Toby is right about using the "foreclosure" language by Susie--that should be changed to make it sound more natural for an 11 year old to say.

I agree the ending needs some rethinking, as it does sort of end abruptly, and I like the suggestions you provide here.  The ending will definitely get a re-working.  Toby, I do like the idea of showing that crime does pay, but in a more ironic sense of the meaning.  That was what I was originally going for, but I sort of went in a different direction and now I'm thinking I should have stuck with the original idea based on all the suggestions here.

Thanks for pointing out those capitalization of characters--I need to pay closer attention to those types of things in my future scripts!

Toby, you asked about a barbed wire fence and how he could climb over it without getting hurt?  Here in the U.S., a barbed wire fence is commonly used around farms and ranches to denote boundary lines and to keep livestock from roaming free.  The fence might only be three feet high and it's not the type of razor wire you would see around a prison or maybe businesses.  It's really just a strand of wire that has a little barb on it every foot or so.  Every country kid here can easily scale one with no problem!

Thanks again for the feedback and I will work to incorporate some of these thoughts into a new draft!

Cheers,
Gary

Hey Gary

Had a read but didnt take detailed notes, so here's a few thoughts. It was  a pleasant read, trotted along but without wishing to be dull I would agree with others on;

Didn't need 19 pages
I liked the setup with the girl - touching and i felt he would do a lot for that, so well done
The boys dad being angry with him only needed one reaction, one line, for us to get the message, no need to follow out shouting etc
Why would Rosco talk the kid - bit of a major weakness in your plot - why not give roscoe an entrance and set him up with a explanation - eg always wanted to teach his own kid etc also why not set him up to USE the boy, so it is more believable and gives some moral come back to the boy for being used, maybe the boy does good at some stage and has the reward of the the coin??

I was interested to see this as a period piece. We don't seem to get many of those and it was nice to read because of that. It was different.

Some of the dialogue of the youngsters seemed a tad old. Now this has been discussed a lot in terms of what kids would say, should you make allowance, but to me just be mindful that something has to give their age away, at all times, so we buy their character.

If you want to practice lean writing try a five page challenge such as at movie poet, all helps.

Otherwise enjoyed it.

Hey Gary,

I liked this one a lot. For a first time effort, it's a stellar achievement. Most people's early scripts are garbage and that's a cynicism free statement.

A solid story overall. You have a strong setup that unfolds in an interesting and unpredictable manner and well illustrated characters. I loved the ending. The bus does come out of nowhere but the moment you mentioned it, it felt right. You more than deliver on your logline and end up with a somewhat familiar but nevertheless effective parable.

Personally, I would've preferred Harry NOT pick up the coin. That is to say, end it before you find out what Harry does. It leaves the story more open to interpretation, which is always great. Of course, mulling this over in my head, I agree that Harry would indeed pick it up.

That's just my personal taste though and just shy of a suggestion at that. Feel free to disregard if you like.

As for your writing, I think it's more or less strong. You create a visual and immersive world and a pace that flows without feeling like you cut too many corners. You've also got some rich details that bring about a sense of authenticity but they don't weight the story down, at least from where I'm standing. Not an easy feet when starting out. Apparently, a couple people have mentioned some scenes run too long. I don't necessarily agree but if enough people say the same thing, it's probably worth considering. Besides, if you have the opportunity to tighten something up, you might as well take it so long as you don't lose anything vital in the process.

The only thing I found to be somewhat awkward is how seamlessly the story goes from Harry running away from home to attempting to snag some change from the pharmacy. I think you need some cuts in there so it doesn't feel like it happens all at once. Harry's departure is impulsive and fueled by emotion. So what? Does he come up with this whole scheme while he's running through the wheat crying? Don't think so. Cut it up so it feels like some time has passed and that Harry's been thinking. You can still set up the town and all that.

You've also got many an orphan/window in your writing. That is, individual lines with only one word. Personally, I'd count phrases like "with Harry" and "you that?" on the first page as orphans as well since they're so short. These are quickly starting to become a pet peeve of mine as I've read so many scripts with this problem within a very short time.

Anyway, these orphans might not seem to do much harm but they add up and yield a lot of clutter to your script, sometimes even page count. They usually only require some minor tweaking to fix so there's really no excuse to having them. For example, you've got a few lines where just removing the ellipses might do the trick (watch your ellipses too, btw; far too many for my taste here). I also think watching out for orphans is a really great way to learn how to tighten up your writing. They're so easy to get rid of and the process requires you to think about simpler ways of phrasing things. It's also inevitable that they'll pop up at some point so you probably won't be at a loss of them.

Anyway, a really solid effort. Very entertaining. Hope my comments do something for ya.

Hey Gary,

I thought this was decent read, although maybe a little overlong for what it is. There is a lot to like with the Roscoe/ Harry relationship being a highlight for me. Really think this played out well (again, if not just a little long) the dialogue at this junction felt authentic and it flowed along nicely so kudos.

While on the dialogue, the opening between Harry and Susie came off a little odd and didn't really sound like kids talking – more like 40 year olds.  I’d give that scene a little re-write and make it more realistic.

But that opening scene was decent enough to set this one up but isn't there a little plot hole here? Susie claims that the yearbook photos are being taken that day, yet we move to the next morning and later on, Harry tells Roscoe that he needs the money for the next day which makes it a couple of days later - maybe I read it wrong?

It might actually work better to keep it as happening on that one day which raises the stakes as in Harry needs to get his photo done before the end of the school day. Just a thought.

Although showing Harry's father did help us understand the hardships of this time and why Harry is forced into an attempted robbery.

Would Roscoe tell all his criminal back-story to a stranger? I don't know, maybe it could come out more naturally. How about Harry see's him steal from the guys outside the bar as he walks past them. It just needs something to help it along because the story rests on it. All Roscoe's troubles are because he blabbered like he was in confession.

I thought the ending was flat at first, he dies and then it just suddenly ends - no conclusion with Susie. But thinking it over, it works. Harry picking up the coin is reflecting that he's going to get a photo for Susie.

I only wish that there had been more uncertainty in Harry at the end, he picked up the coin without hesitation when it could be a defining moment in his life. By picking up the coin, he's achieving his goal but almost approving to Roscoe's ways.

By not picking up the coin based on what happened to Roscoe, this indicates some moral lesson of crime doesn't pay.

I guess I’m saying that the theme of crime does pay didn’t feel right here, it needed to be more ambiguous at the end. Has Harry learnt anything at all?

In saying that and after reading back through the feedback, I agree with James that leaving this open-ended would have worked. Leave this question for the reader to decide.

The writing was neat enough, while overwritten in places. I found the character intro's over the top at times with clothes and hair descriptions thrown in unnecessary, meaning nothing to the actual characters or story.

But overall, this was an enjoyable read – I liked it.

Good work.

Steve

Bill, James, and Steve,

First, thanks for the read--I greatly appreciate the time you took to give this a once over. The comments provided are invaluable to me as I try to improve my skills.  I also appreciate the compliments as well!  

Bill:

Quoted Text Why would Rosco talk the kid - bit of a major weakness in your plot - why not give roscoe an entrance and set him up with a explanation - eg always wanted to teach his own kid etc also why not set him up to USE the boy, so it is more believable and gives some moral come back to the boy for being used, maybe the boy does good at some stage and has the reward of the the coin??

Good point--this has been a recurring theme throughout the comments, and I like the idea of Harry spotting him doing something more sinister--that would provide the exposition needed for later developments and could help me pare the story down some later on.  I will look at doing this in the re-write.

James:

Quoted Text You've also got many an orphan/window in your writing.

I appreciate you pointing this out, because I think I was so concerned with formatting/grammatical stuff that I didn't even consider those.  I will make sure to tighten that up.

Quoted Text Does he come up with this whole scheme while he's running through the wheat crying?

Another good point and something that I hadn't considered but will as I go back to it.

Steve:

Quoted Text But that opening scene was decent enough to set this one up but isn't there a little plot hole here? Susie claims that the yearbook photos are being taken that day, yet we move to the next morning and later on, Harry tells Roscoe that he needs the money for the next day which makes it a couple of days later - maybe I read it wrong?

I don't think you read it wrong--I originally had it all happening on the same day, but then I couldn't figure how he would go home after school, eat with his father (making it late afternoon or evening), then run to town and still have all the businesses open.  So I made it the next day, but as you pointed out, that leaves some gap on the timing, which I need to address, so thanks for pointing that out.

Thanks again for the valuable comments guys!