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why the money? If this is a family unit, why does Pops give money to her... am I missing something here (and could very well be) is this like giving money for grocery shopping? If so, it's an odd way to go about it... that was my only hook up on it. I understand you need that element to have the ending that you have, and fear you forced this device into the story just to get that ending, but again I might be missing something..
Okay so after some thought on this matter... I might have answered my own question, and feel, yes the money thing works... works in the sense that it makes the situation more demented and more disgusting (if that's possible)... the money objectifies Ashley, further degrading her, some sick thing that Pops gets off on, knowing he'll get the money back... so now that I view it that way, it works for me on a whole other level... okay... so That's my take on it, don't know if that's what you were going for however.
A story very well told. Loved the full circle with the more dominant characters... and i didn't figure it out till the end it was a family thing. Sorry I can't add more. I read through without a hitch and thoroughly enjoyed it.
Thanks for the review, Dustin. I was hoping that it wouldn't be obvious that this was a family until the end. I worried that by calling the father, Pops, it would give it away.
I'm glad it was an enjoyable and easy read for you.
“His back fat and dimpled ass ripple with each thrust.
“Sweat drips down his face and onto the girl.”
- Now there’s a duo of images, nice. Good writing though.
"ASHLEY, 15, can’t hold back the tears. They stream down her face and mix with the droplets of sweat raining from above."
- Before being hit with the suckerpunch...Again, the imagery is arresting and nicely worded. Except “raining” though, that’s overstating just a tad I reckon.
I don’t know if the muted wrangling of change in the shop scene worked for me. It seems a little out of place, almost Charlie Chaplin-esque silent movie shenanigans which I doubt is the tone you want to infer here.
I really like your writing style nonetheless; clear, concise and visual. This is coming off like Precious 2, not necessarily a bad thing, just an observation. We are officially in white trash-ville, right down to the skittering cockroaches.
Holy sh?t, five pages in and this reads like kitchen sink, miserablist drama taken to breaking point. With the title in mind I’m holding off making a definite judgement but everything does feel a little too ratcheted up for nothing more than mere effect and shock value; the screaming kids, the squalor, alcohol, cigarettes, the coarse dialogue, older sister “repeated kicking” younger sister, older brother hitting sister while pimping out young sister, etc, it’s all too much but as I say, I got the title in mind so I’m guessing and hoping there is more at work here.
I thought it couldn’t get any more debased but you got me on that one with the reveal of Pops’ connection to the family, wow, what a fu?ked up situation. Unfortunately, I find the title a bit misleading or just plain nonsensical (please, fill me in on its meaning) and the script doesn’t really let up on the bleak set of circumstances we’re witnessing here...except the final scene which provide some brief glimmer of hope and possibility of change for poor Ashley.
Having said all that, I’ll reiterate by applauding your writing style, a breezy read despite the difficult content, that’s a credit to you. And the so-called difficult content is certainly engaging and harrowing thus effective. I do stand behind my belief that it’s a bit overkill, later on the ultra dingy bar, cocaine use and skin crawling reveal add to this impression but then again I take it you are trying to depict a specific strata of society that most of us would like to believe doesn’t exist but unfortunately does.
I try not to miss your shorts - they are so well written. You are very attentive to detail and reading your work is like watching a real movie really. And the dialog is always very clean and good.
Same here. You didn't disappoint with your writing. I was sucked in right away and you kept me glued to the screen. The ending - if that's too easy to escape she would do it without the money. Especially what she had is pretty little. So, I'm thinking we need something stronger here. A hot-line number for abused or something. The next big decision - it's got to be big, I think.
The only thing - the ages, you write 58. Why not 60...
Okay so after some thought on this matter... I might have answered my own question, and feel, yes the money thing works...
Thanks for the compliment, Kevin. I'm glad you didn't see it as being too bleak. I was getting a little worried that I went too far and didn't end on a positive enough note.
You're correct about the money. It's some sick and twisted "allowance" that Pops gives Ashley, and he knows he's just going to get back. That's what I was trying to show with the chuckle and the smirk.
I really liked your scene descriptions, it really took me into Ashley's dark, hopeless world...
..Her arc is to get out, but why? What does she have out there in the world that gives her hope and fight?
The Pops thing I was a bit lost on too. If she willingly sleeps with her father for money for her brother is violence really enough to make her do that, since he obviously does not love her anyway?
Loulou,
I'm happy that I was able bring you into such a dark and hopeless world. I mean that in a good way.
Ashley wants to get out and go anywhere. It doesn't matter where she goes or how far she goes as long as it's not where she is now.
She doesn't willingly sleep with Pops. That's why she's pushing against him and crying. It's just that this life is all she's ever known.
Anyway, I was impressed with how well you've described and helped the read visualize the scenes. Truthfully, I haven't exactly seen a copy of Crack Whore Magazine in quite some time (the selection of periodicals at my local Walgreen's has been reduced to variations of Tiger Beat, Cat Fancy and puzzel books) but this is vivid but still tightly written.
Crusader,
You can get, Crack Whore Magazine, online. Unfortunately it's only available by stealing your Internet access from your neighbors dial up connection. That's how they ensure they reach their target demographic.
I always try to write tight and vivid, so thank you for your compliment. I'm glad I could deliver.
The sad thing is that your script is no doubt a sad reality for a-lot of people.
You painted a very clear and dark picture, good work.
Michael
Thanks for the read, Michael.
There was a point while I was writing this where I felt ill from how disheartening the subject was. I know that there are children suffering out there right now, and there's no jar of quarters or a bus to take them away.
I don’t know if the muted wrangling of change in the shop scene worked for me. It seems a little out of place, almost Charlie Chaplin-esque silent movie shenanigans which I doubt is the tone you want to infer here.
I really like your writing style nonetheless; clear, concise and visual.
Having said all that, I’ll reiterate by applauding your writing style, a breezy read despite the difficult content, that’s a credit to you. And the so-called difficult content is certainly engaging and harrowing thus effective. I do stand behind my belief that it’s a bit overkill, later on the ultra dingy bar, cocaine use and skin crawling reveal add to this impression but then again I take it you are trying to depict a specific strata of society that most of us would like to believe doesn’t exist but unfortunately does.
Overall, an affecting piece.
Col.
Thanks for another great review, Col.
I initially didn't want Ashley to have a single line of dialogue, and make that role extremely difficult to play, thus the muted scene in the store. I could have had her ask for her change, but I went with the silent approach. In no way did I envision that as a Buster Keaton style scene. I'll be more aware of that in the future.
I'm glad you like my style. I'm glad you think I have a style.
You're correct about a lot of things in this script, Col. I did intend this to be overkill but hopefully just on the safe side of "sickening".
I initially didn't want Ashley to have a single line of dialogue, and make that role extremely difficult to play, thus the muted scene in the store. I could have had her ask for her change, but I went with the silent approach. In no way did I envision that as a Buster Keaton style scene. I'll be more aware of that in the future.
- Maybe if you played her completely silent from the beginning (in other words, take out one line) it wouldn't feel so out of place. I was exaggerating when I said Charlie Chaplin-esque, (the preceding scene tells us, unequivocally, that we ain’t in Hollywood nor Kansas anymore!) it was just the call and response actions of the characters I found a little darkly comic but in a silly, caricatured way, if you know what I mean. Anyway, it’s a small thing, just my opinion.
Had a quick read, sorry no detailed notes but you seem to have been well served so far.
Ok. It's bleak, buts that's fine if there is a story. To me the family connections is the link that pulls this through, however, I did feel the Pops element wasn't quite for me. Not saying it can't work but a few things I struggled with (1) the payment which he would know goes to her brother which he then demands? (2). The openness switch which the father reveals his intentions for Ashley. Now there are sick folk out there, and this thing happens, but there doesn't seem to be any subtly to it which makes me feel it is a tad too much.
I loved the Crack Whore Mag line - great stuff.
Ashley - I didn't feel I knew her much, other than she is living in hell and secretly saves the coins.
I loved the fact she uses the coins to go anywhere - I didn't mind us not knowing where, just remember to stress her desperateness to get anywhere and far
Overall sound, yet depressing work, with my final thought being to embellish the Ashley character so we know her more, feel her hopes, want er to leave etc maybe use Pops to suggest she will be disposed of so there is a clock ticking on her life.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
I try not to miss your shorts - they are so well written. You are very attentive to detail and reading your work is like watching a real movie really. And the dialog is always very clean and good.
Same here. You didn't disappoint with your writing. I was sucked in right away and you kept me glued to the screen. The ending - if that's too easy to escape she would do it without the money. Especially what she had is pretty little. So, I'm thinking we need something stronger here. A hot-line number for abused or something. The next big decision - it's got to be big, I think.
The only thing - the ages, you write 58. Why not 60...
Wow. Thank you very much for the great compliment, Khamanna.
As far as the script goes, this is the only life that Ashley knows. It took a lot of courage for her to break away into the unknown.
She received 51 cents every time she went to the liquor store. If she saved all of that money for an entire year, she would have about $180, which would weigh about 9 pounds. That's a good amount of money to travel with and it's not too heavy.
I do like the idea of there being a path for her escape, but I wanted to leave it up to the reader as to where Ashley was going.
The reason that Pops is 58 and not 60 is because...well he IS 58. All of my characters exist in my mind. Pops is 58. As a boy, he was frequently beaten by his mother until he joined the Army in 1973. He was dishonorably discharged in 1974, during the Vietnam War. He has 3 children, that he claims, and multiple others that he doesn't know about. His wife overdosed under questionable circumstances. And he's a waste of life.
Ashley - I didn't feel I knew her much, other than she is living in hell and secretly saves the coins.
Overall sound, yet depressing work, with my final thought being to embellish the Ashley character so we know her more, feel her hopes, want er to leave etc maybe use Pops to suggest she will be disposed of so there is a clock ticking on her life.
Bill,
Thanks for the read and the notes.
I like your idea of getting to know Ashley better. Right now, the reader feels her pain, but they don't really know anything personal about her. They know what happens TO her, but nothing about who she is. I'll have to fix that.