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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  All About Janet - Filmed Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 6th, 2013, 6:42am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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All About Janet by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Drama - A woman ends her terminally ill husband's life. 11 pages - pdf, format


All About Janet from Dustin Bowcott on Vimeo.

After spending the night with her alter ego, an office worker selfishly ends her bedridden husband's life.



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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 26th, 2015, 3:19pm
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mcornetto
Posted: April 6th, 2013, 7:00am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin,

I liked the overall story for this short and the execution was fairly good.  However, there were a couple of areas that I thought had issues.  

On page 7 the back and forth between Des and Janet came across as too melodramatic and then went to exposition driven.  I would play around with that dialogue a bit more or maybe have Des attempt to kill Martin, have Janet stop her then have Des insist Janet do the killing to get her life back - something like that.

On page 10 the stack falling is too much of a coincidence and comes across as Deus Ex Machina.  I would either foreshadow it or have a more believable accident occur.  

Hope that helps.    

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Don  -  April 6th, 2013, 8:36am
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: April 6th, 2013, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin...

I have to admit I did enjoy this little tale.  Some fine storytelling.  There's many ways to tell a story like this one - but this-- "they were obviously expecting the story to center on compassionate 'assisted suicide'... to be honest so was I, but-- I'm glad you didn't go that route because I would agree -- it is boring and has been done to death.

I liked your use of the baby monitor here.  And Des was a very interesting choice, for obvious reasons.

Having said that -- I don't try to overthink shorts, they are what they are... just that.

Good Luck

Ghost



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ghost and_ghostie gal  -  April 6th, 2013, 3:00pm
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 6th, 2013, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah shorts are a great excuse to practise writing in genres one probably wouldn't attempt as a feature. Certainly not worth over thinking and if anything should just be entertaining. Features can turn into a headache with arcs and plotlines not adding up. Shorts are a welcome break. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for commenting. Oh and Des was definitely the only choice...
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jwent6688
Posted: April 7th, 2013, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good. Shame it doesn't have more reads, but I know why. I scan the boards frequently and see the arguments. Just here returning the favor because you read So Pretty... Pssst, if you check that thread, it's already been filmed. I can't really make the changes you suggest, but thanks for the read.

Your dialogue far outshines your action prose. I really liked this all the way until the ending. My issue with it is that I didn't hate Janet enough for this outcome. Sure, she says some mean shit, but sounds like an outburst from a frustrated wife taking care of an invalid husband for ten years--which you repeatedly made clear.

It is what we DO that defines us, not what we say. I think you should have Janet do some really piss poor shit to Martin to give the audience some sense of retribution when she falls into his exact condition.

I will assume Des was a part of her subconscious? Again, almost like we can't blame Janet herself. She was talked into killing him. And you made it seem as though Martin wanted to die so I thought she was making the right choice.

Only my thoughts, to each their own. I think this could easily be filmed and do well if you just give the audience what they want... Satisfaction.

James


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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 7th, 2013, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688
Pretty good. Shame it doesn't have more reads, but I know why. I scan the boards frequently and see the arguments. Just here returning the favor because you read So Pretty... Pssst, if you check that thread, it's already been filmed. I can't really make the changes you suggest, but thanks for the read.

Your dialogue far outshines your action prose. I really liked this all the way until the ending. My issue with it is that I didn't hate Janet enough for this outcome. Sure, she says some mean shit, but sounds like an outburst from a frustrated wife taking care of an invalid husband for ten years--which you repeatedly made clear.

It is what we DO that defines us, not what we say. I think you should have Janet do some really piss poor shit to Martin to give the audience some sense of retribution when she falls into his exact condition.

I will assume Des was a part of her subconscious? Again, almost like we can't blame Janet herself. She was talked into killing him. And you made it seem as though Martin wanted to die so I thought she was making the right choice.

Only my thoughts, to each their own. I think this could easily be filmed and do well if you just give the audience what they want... Satisfaction.

James


Thanks for your thoughts and now that you mention it I see exactly what you mean. I need to show her being slightly more selfish... as that is what the film is meant to be about. With my shorts I tend to go twilight zone style and Desdemona is in reference to the Devil's Daughter... so is a figment yes... but more a manifestation of one's own selfishness. I need to make that more obvious.

Well done on getting So Pretty filmed... good luck with it.
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Colkurtz8
Posted: April 16th, 2013, 2:51am Report to Moderator
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Dustin

Are all your script titles variations on classic films? I’ve done it a couple of times too in the past but with me it’s because I’m crap at coming up with them myself!

The wordiness is a bit more of an issue in comparison to “The Greatest Escape.” There’s too much padding in the prose, pair down the sentences to the essential details while still making sense. Terse language with punchy visuals.

Take the opening of the script for example:

INT. HOUSE - DAY

“JANET (40's) arrives home, places her keys down on the
table and takes a deep breath. A baby monitor kicks
into life, a gurgling sound can be heard coming from
the tiny speaker.”

I would rewrite it something like this:

INT. HOUSE – FRONT DOOR - DAY

Janet (40s) enters, places her keys on the hallway table,
breathes deep. A GURGLING sound emanates from a
BABY MONITOR somewhere in the house.

- It’s shorter, yet all the important information is retained. See about replacing “and” with a comma where possible.  No need to say “arrives home” we can work that out from the slugline. I like to make them more specific too, just a style thing. Also, you don’t indicate where the baby monitor is and exactly how does one “kick into life”? How do we know it has a tiny speaker if you haven’t told us where it is? Which is superfluous information anyway.

All through the script there are examples of this type of ponderous writing, I’m not gonna go through each one, just take the above as typical.

Of course you’re free to discard what I recommend, just my opinion, nothing more.

“unable to look at the pathetic bastard.”

- This took me by surprise at first, I couldn’t help but giggle against my better judgement. In all seriousness though, and perhaps I’m being prudish but I would refrain from using expletives in the prose, cheapens it somewhat. Again, just my attitude towards it.

Two pages in and sh?t this Janet is an embittered soul. It’s a horrible situation depicted, heart wrenching stuff and she’s had ten years of it, truly at the end of her tether.

“apparently made of ivory.”

- What? Maybe replace “apparently” with “seemingly”.

Nice twist with lesbian intimacy, purely for surprise value if anything else.
How does Des instinctually know Janet’s situation so early on?

“Des looks hard at Janet. Janet nods and takes a hold
of Martin's arm.”

- I find it very implausible that Janet would let this stranger use a syringe on Martin with the only words of reassurance being “Trust me”,

DES
It's street grade. Works just as
well.

Janet looks at her husband and smiles.

JANET
He looks so peaceful.

- Again, I don’t believe the conversation would go something like that. I know Janet is fed up with her burden but her compliance still rings false.

DES
You already know what I mean.

JANET
I'm sorry but I really don't.

Des snorts and leaves the bedroom. Janet follows after
her.

- This leering presumptuousness exhibited by Des, also earlier in the line:

DES
I think you do.

Is really trying my patience. I mean, who does she think she is?

“Janet looks at her, puzzled.”

- You and me both, girl. I’d be wondering what are Des’s real motivations here and quizzed her on them long before now…definitely before she administers drugs to my invalid husband.

DES
I'm the only one that will ever
help you.

- And why would that be?

LIVING ROOM

"The clock on the wall ticks by as Janet sits on the
settee. Suddenly she cries out and hurries out of the
room, heads UP THE STAIRS."

- Is she trippin’ balls here or what? Why did she just suddenly remember what she had done? Although, presuming now that Des is a figment of her imagination, this probably makes sense, she is going mad!

Wow, the ending confused me even more. The loose chimney stack falling on her to exact a piece of ironic fate felt extremely contrived while Des’s last line went over my head.

My reading of the script is that Des is the devil of some sort or Janet’s personal demon, the bad conscience sitting on one’s shoulder type character who forces Janet to carry out her inner but immoral desires. By acquiescing, she therefore damns herself to hell.

As you can see, I had major problems with this, Dustin, it doesn’t work near as successfully as I thought “The greatest Escape” did. My biggest issues being with the believability of Janet and Des’s exchanges this it sent alramed bells ringing that something was amiss with latter (and the former for that matter given her unforgivable critical decision making) and the contrivances of the final scenes,

Overall, a rather misguided and heavy handed morality tale, you can do better I reckon.

Col.


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trickyb
Posted: April 16th, 2013, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin,

I enjoyed this and think it would be good on film.

I do agree with other comments about wordiness but meh, easily fixed.

Will say though the first thing that popped into my head the morning after Janet met des was he's gunna do a Fight Club.

Good work

Michael


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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 16th, 2013, 6:46am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Colkurtz8
Dustin

Are all your script titles variations on classic films? I’ve done it a couple of times too in the past but with me it’s because I’m crap at coming up with them myself!


I just go with whatever suits the story best. Sometimes that means using variations of other film titles. I suppose it's hard to avoid sometimes.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
The wordiness is a bit more of an issue in comparison to “The Greatest Escape.” There’s too much padding in the prose, pair down the sentences to the essential details while still making sense. Terse language with punchy visuals.

Take the opening of the script for example:

INT. HOUSE - DAY

“JANET (40's) arrives home, places her keys down on the
table and takes a deep breath. A baby monitor kicks
into life, a gurgling sound can be heard coming from
the tiny speaker.”

I would rewrite it something like this:

INT. HOUSE – FRONT DOOR - DAY

Janet (40s) enters, places her keys on the hallway table,
breathes deep. A GURGLING sound emanates from a
BABY MONITOR somewhere in the house.

- It’s shorter, yet all the important information is retained. See about replacing “and” with a comma where possible.  No need to say “arrives home” we can work that out from the slugline. I like to make them more specific too, just a style thing. Also, you don’t indicate where the baby monitor is and exactly how does one “kick into life”? How do we know it has a tiny speaker if you haven’t told us where it is? Which is superfluous information anyway.

All through the script there are examples of this type of ponderous writing, I’m not gonna go through each one, just take the above as typical.

Of course you’re free to discard what I recommend, just my opinion, nothing more.


Yes The Greatest Escape was written after this one. I agree a couple more drafts are needed on this story to get things right. My attitude with shorts is completely different to my features. I should have a sci-fi feature listed here in the next couple of days, that i've been working on since November. i suppose I'm trying to say that this short hasn't had much work put into it aside from laying down the story... and it definitely shows.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“unable to look at the pathetic bastard.”

- This took me by surprise at first, I couldn’t help but giggle against my better judgement. In all seriousness though, and perhaps I’m being prudish but I would refrain from using expletives in the prose, cheapens it somewhat. Again, just my attitude towards it.


I think within context it is fine. The odd one... it can help bring a reader in, create some type of rapport even. Plus it depends on the type of script you are writing. I wouldn't do it in every script, only when I feel it genuinely adds something to do so.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Two pages in and sh?t this Janet is an embittered soul. It’s a horrible situation depicted, heart wrenching stuff and she’s had ten years of it, truly at the end of her tether.


He's had it too.



Quoted from Colkurtz8
Nice twist with lesbian intimacy, purely for surprise value if anything else.


Yeah, always a nice twist, lol.



Quoted from Colkurtz8
“Des looks hard at Janet. Janet nods and takes a hold
of Martin's arm.”

- I find it very implausible that Janet would let this stranger use a syringe on Martin with the only words of reassurance being “Trust me”,

DES
It's street grade. Works just as
well.

Janet looks at her husband and smiles.

JANET
He looks so peaceful.

- Again, I don’t believe the conversation would go something like that. I know Janet is fed up with her burden but her compliance still rings false.


I agree, the conversations between them need to be more realistic.





Quoted from Colkurtz8
Wow, the ending confused me even more. The loose chimney stack falling on her to exact a piece of ironic fate felt extremely contrived while Des’s last line went over my head.


I know it is weak.. but the ironic twist has to be there. I also agree that the answer is probably in the story somewhere and not a convenient chimney stack falling on her head. Maybe she kills herself with an OD of heroin because of guilt. Actually, that would be extremely ironic.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
My reading of the script is that Des is the devil of some sort or Janet’s personal demon, the bad conscience sitting on one’s shoulder type character who forces Janet to carry out her inner but immoral desires. By acquiescing, she therefore damns herself to hell.


In a nutshell.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
As you can see, I had major problems with this, Dustin, it doesn’t work near as successfully as I thought “The greatest Escape” did. My biggest issues being with the believability of Janet and Des’s exchanges this it sent alramed bells ringing that something was amiss with latter (and the former for that matter given her unforgivable critical decision making) and the contrivances of the final scenes,

Overall, a rather misguided and heavy handed morality tale, you can do better I reckon.

Col.


I agree. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Col.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 16th, 2013, 7:12am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from trickyb
Hey Dustin,

I enjoyed this and think it would be good on film.

I do agree with other comments about wordiness but meh, easily fixed.

Will say though the first thing that popped into my head the morning after Janet met des was he's gunna do a Fight Club.

Good work

Michael


Yeah easy fixes... if a student producer wants to make a film based on this concept then we might as well work with this script and improve it as we go. Probably the wrong attitude to have, as I suppose anything we put forward should be perfected as it is a show of our workmanship.

I'll try better with my shorts from now on. Thanks for giving it a read, mate.
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rc1107
Posted: April 16th, 2013, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin.

I loved the opening set-up for this.  It was very powerful, and I could feel the bitterness in Janet and it did make me both feel sorry for her, while still disliking her a lot.  (I'm pretty sure that was your goal, to make us NOT like her, since she gets her just desserts in the end.)

So I was really into the story at the beginning.

Then, when Janet brought Des back to her house and they performed in the next room over from Martin, that was an excellent catalyst to propel this into the final part of the story.  And I thought things were going to take off from there.

Unfortunately, that's where I thought things fall kind of flat.  I don't know exactly what I was expecting, (definitely Des talking Janet into killing him), but I was hoping for something more of a twist.  You do have great Twilight Zone-themed setups, but it seems like when it gets to the (I don't know if this is the right word), supernatural, part, that's where things get a little too weird to follow and a little muddled in your intentions of what you want to pull off.

The chimney bricks falling on Janet definitely felt trite and too convenient.  Almost comedic.

I like your atmospheres in the two stories I've read of yours so far, so I can't say I didn't like them.  It's just those certain elements that I'm not clicking with for some reason.

I'm certainly not detracted from reading any of your other stories I've seen you posted, recently, though.  I'm sure I'll click with one of them eventually.  :-)



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khamanna
Posted: April 17th, 2013, 12:43am Report to Moderator
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Hi Dustin,

Overall, I liked this very much and I wish you rewrote it. I think that you should not touch the structure but just work on the writing perhaps a bit.

Also in places you have your characters show emotions in very dramatic way. I don't think you need that.

About the writing:
p1 "arrives home" you could describe what she does maybe, steps in, closes the door behind. Arrives is a little novelistic for me.

Looks like you're missing double dash after "into"

"looks much older than his years" - I notices people don't like that. Either say 50, or describe him, like unkempt etc.

I don't think you need "it' is clear that he knows what is going on despite his outward appearance." on p2

on p7 you have Janet sink to her knees and cry - I kind of don't believe it. I'd like her just stand there. I think it's overly dramatic. There are a couple of instances like that and I think letting her stand and stare would leave much more impact than sinking to her knees.

The story is very good and the rewrite is a small one in my opinion.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 17th, 2013, 4:05am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rc1107
Hey Dustin.

I loved the opening set-up for this.  It was very powerful, and I could feel the bitterness in Janet and it did make me both feel sorry for her, while still disliking her a lot.  (I'm pretty sure that was your goal, to make us NOT like her, since she gets her just desserts in the end.)

So I was really into the story at the beginning.

Then, when Janet brought Des back to her house and they performed in the next room over from Martin, that was an excellent catalyst to propel this into the final part of the story.  And I thought things were going to take off from there.

Unfortunately, that's where I thought things fall kind of flat.  I don't know exactly what I was expecting, (definitely Des talking Janet into killing him), but I was hoping for something more of a twist.  You do have great Twilight Zone-themed setups, but it seems like when it gets to the (I don't know if this is the right word), supernatural, part, that's where things get a little too weird to follow and a little muddled in your intentions of what you want to pull off.

The chimney bricks falling on Janet definitely felt trite and too convenient.  Almost comedic.

I like your atmospheres in the two stories I've read of yours so far, so I can't say I didn't like them.  It's just those certain elements that I'm not clicking with for some reason.

I'm certainly not detracted from reading any of your other stories I've seen you posted, recently, though.  I'm sure I'll click with one of them eventually.  :-)



These shorts are all first draft with a quick run through for typo's. I admit that if I put a little more thought into them that I could have made things crisper. The chimney stack was a quick fix in my haste to write another one.

Thanks for reading, it's appreciated.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 17th, 2013, 4:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
Hi Dustin,

Overall, I liked this very much and I wish you rewrote it. I think that you should not touch the structure but just work on the writing perhaps a bit.

Also in places you have your characters show emotions in very dramatic way. I don't think you need that.

About the writing:
p1 "arrives home" you could describe what she does maybe, steps in, closes the door behind. Arrives is a little novelistic for me.

Looks like you're missing double dash after "into"

"looks much older than his years" - I notices people don't like that. Either say 50, or describe him, like unkempt etc.

I don't think you need "it' is clear that he knows what is going on despite his outward appearance." on p2

on p7 you have Janet sink to her knees and cry - I kind of don't believe it. I'd like her just stand there. I think it's overly dramatic. There are a couple of instances like that and I think letting her stand and stare would leave much more impact than sinking to her knees.

The story is very good and the rewrite is a small one in my opinion.


Hi Khamanna. Those are all valid points that will certainly help should I choose to rewrite this. Thanks a lot for reading and I'm glad that you enjoyed most of it.
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Forgive
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Hey Dustin.

I had some minor issues with this one, so I thought I'd just lay them out as I see them, and you can take your pick.

Maybe this is an old script, but you still seem to be doing that 'repeat the title in quotes thing' at the top of page one. I've not seen it before, and I really don't think it's necessary. Each to his own, though.

New scenes - no description on the house, and I always think it's better to give some description if you go to a new location - certainly the first location I think should get something. (You do give locations better in Adm & Eiv, so maybe its just shorts?).

Still in the first scene, and I'm not sure where Janet is - it seems a little vague, especially with there being a table there - front room? Corridor? Not a major, but it came of a bit loose.

Writing's generally good throughout, no major issues there.

There's the occasional issue of vague writing taking over from more visual writing, so:

She selects the odd one tossing it down onto the bed.
--could be
She selects a pastel blue frock ...
... which just bring something a little more visual to the mind.

So -- onto the story. Overall, I did like it, but I just got the nagging feeling that it was written to convenience. After your first script was kinda gritty, I half expected an element of that, but you can obviuosly command different styles quite easily.

But Des being some kind of 'evil-thingy' seemed to detract from it somewhat, as I felt that could clearly work should a Des-equivalent be used. That and the 'immediate leabian' touch kind of made it withdraw from reality somewhat.

I wasn't too sure who 'that bitch' was (the help?), but I wondered if Janet and bitch could get together to do some evil deed. Maybe you thought that through already and had your reason, but I still felt there was room to delve into this some, motivations, temptations etc that would keep it real instead of other-worldly. I'm just not sure that it added anything to it.

Aside from that - it a good short, and it'd work well on screen, fairly easy to produce, and there's a lot of elements in here that need to be here.

Simon
--------
Just caught some of the feedback, so some of that makes more sense.
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